DARNELL leaves his apartment with a bunch of flyers. He is set to go door-to-door to campaign for himself. After a short drive, he stops at the first house and knocks on the door. A man, 30s, opens the door.
MAN
Hello?
DARNELL
Hi! As you may know my name is Darnell, and I am running for Congress. I just secured the Republican nomination and would love to have your vote in the general. Here, take a flyer.
MAN
Ok…sure.
DARNELL
So I have your vote.
MAN
Oh no…I meant sure to the flyer. I don’t trust you to recycle all these so I’m gonna do my share.
DARNELL
Wait! What if I told you I’m not like all the other Republicans.
MAN
Go on…
DARNELL
I am running not just as a Republican, but as a person who will represent this district to the best of my abilities.
MAN
That tells me nothing. This flyer also tells me none of that.
DARNELL
My opponent is a socialist. Straight-up socialist.
MAN
Wait…what?!
DARNELL
You heard me.
MAN
I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’m voting Republican this year!
DARNELL
Good talk, bye!
DARNELL leaves, excited that he converted a skeptic into a voter. He heads to the next house, hoping to make the pitch shorter. A woman, 50s, answers the door.
DARNELL
Hello, I’m Darnell, I am running for the Republican nomination for—wait no I already won that—I am running AS the Republican candidate for House this November. My opponent is a socialist. Straight-up socialist.
WOMAN
You don’t have to tell me twice.
DARNELL
Take a flyer.
She takes a flyer from him.
DARNELL
Do I have your vote?
WOMAN
So you’re NOT a socialist, right?
DARNELL
Correct.
WOMAN
Then yes.
DARNELL
Thank you!
DARNELL leaves and moves on to another house. A man, 60s, answers.
DARNELL
Hello, I am Darnell, I am running for House, and my opponent is a socialist. Straight-up socialist. Here, take a flyer.
MAN
That’s a damn lie and you know it.
DARNELL
Excuse me?
MAN
Since when were you even a Republican? I’ve followed you for years, Quizzical Quiz was my go-to site to waste time. I’m supposed to believe that you’re just suddenly a Republican?
DARNELL
I’ve actually always been conservative.
MAN
Yeah, sure. In New York?
DARNELL
The radical left wouldn’t let me speak my mind. And as I said, my opponent is a socialist. Straight-up socialist.
MAN
So am I. But if you’re so inclined, I’m willing to listen to your pitch.
DARNELL
My pitch?
MAN
Yeah, tell me about your policies.
DARNELL
Well, I’m gonna start with voting to fix what’s broken. Stopping the radical left, stopping socialism, stopping the crisis at the border, that kind of stuff.
MAN
Let me tell you one more thing.
DARNELL
Yes?
MAN
I know my politics and I am VERY involved in this district.
DARNELL
Glad to hear it!
MAN
I am the Democratic nominee for House in this district. And yes, I am a socialist. And I’ve been very active on the campaign trail. And I also voted early already. So if you were my opponent, I think I’d know.
DARNELL
But…I won the primary.
MAN
You won A primary. Somehow. Not this district’s primary, though.
DARNELL
You mean to tell me—
MAN
You’re campaigning in the wrong district? That’s right.
DARNELL
Well then. I better get going.
DARNELL leaves and heads back to his apartment, rethinking his strategy.