Our House Season 5 Episode 5 - Our Nightmare on Burnett Avenue

Our House Season 5, Episode 5
Our Nightmare on Burnett Avenue

Betty: Oh, I can’t believe it’s almost Halloween! It’s my favorite time of year!

Teri: I thought that was Christmas?

Betty: Okay, fine. Second-favorite time of year. No need to be a buzzkill.

Teri: I am not a buzzkill, I am a truth teller. You were stretching the truth about your love for Halloween.

Ralph: Yeah, if someone really loved Halloween, they would’ve started decorating for it before it was only two weeks away during the year they were in charge of doing it.

Betty: I had to special order custom decorations because ours were so old and ratty. Thanks a lot for that, by the way, Mitchell.

Mitchell: It’s not my fault! It was all old.

Betty: Leaving it out an extra month last year sure didn’t help any.
Mitchell: You all knew the risk when you stuck me and Velma with it.

Velma: I was very busy, you know with work and going to the movies and all that jazz.

Cindy: We needed new decorations anyway.  Would have been nice if they were ordered in time to be up for Halloween, but there’s always next year.

Betty: Jesus would be very disappointed to see you talk to your mother like that!

Jerry: I think Jesus would be more disappointed to see a house without any scary decorations out for Halloween.

Teri: What church do you guys go to? You’re the strangest Christians I’ve ever seen.

Ralph: They’re the strangest people I’ve ever seen.

Teri: That’s fair, yeah.

Cindy: You have Steven slow-creeping around in a Michael Myers mask, but we’re the strange ones?

Steven: I am Michael Myers!

Frank: Honey, do we need to be concerned about that?

Tammi: He doens’t have a sister or a babysitter to attack, we’ll be good.

Danielle: You’re all weird. It’s your charm.

Teri: So, Halloween.

Betty: It’s getting there! Stop nagging me!

Ralph: It’s revenge for all those years of you nagging us.

Betty: No one respects me.

Karl: How much did these, uh, “custom” decorations cost us?

Betty: It’s all part of the magic.

Karl: Is it time to take out a second mortgage on the house?

Velma: That reminds me, Halloween Monopoly on Saturday, people! Up to eight people can play!

Teri: Now that’s the scariest thing I’ve heard this October.

Danielle: You’re gonna struggle to find two people, honey.

Velma: You people are no fun!

Jerry: No, Monopoly is no fun.

Two weeks later…

Ralph: Why did we all have to cover our eyes?

Velma: Yeah, it’s five in the evening and I’m standing in my front yard with a sleep mask over my eyes.

Mitchell: You could have just closed your eyes.

Velma: I was told to find a blindfold, sorry for listening to the instructions.

Betty: Welcome to the greatest Halloween horror display in the greater Lakey area.

Teri: What a remarkable accomplishment, definitely something to brag about.

Karl: Please let your mom be happy. She worked hard.

Teri: Not harder than she’s working on my patience.

Jerry: Did the neighbors also have to cover their eyes while driving past the house, just to make sure no one saw it before you were ready?

Betty: Don’t be ridiculous.

Jerry: We are standing in our yards with towels wrapped over our eyes, we are past the point of ridiculous.

Betty: Okay, I’m ready. You can all look now and stop yelling at me.

Velma: Wow, this is -

Karl: My bank account is crying.

Cindy: If you look a little bit closer, it's easy to trace the tracks of its tears.

Teri: Smokey Robinson is rolling over in his grave.

Ralph: Smokey Robinson is still alive.

Teri: That was so bad, Smokey killed himself just so he could roll over in his grave.

Cindy: You are mean.

Teri: Not mean, a truth teller! What are people not getting about that?

Betty: Someone comment on my hard work!

Danielle: I’m just trying to, sorta, take it all in. I think I’m gonna need someone to walk me into the house when I get home from work. This is terrifying.

Betty: Ain’t it great?

Frank: You w-

Betty: Don’t care, didn’t ask.

Cindy: I think this is even more excessive than the Christmas display.

Jerry: Not very Christ-like of you.

Ralph: You’re an idiot.

Betty: Don’t worry, I ordered new decorations from he same place for Christmas. I’m going all-out on the holidays this year.

Ralph: You had to get her going, Cindy.

Cindy: They were already ordered, not my fault!

Steven: This is awesome! All my friends have to see this.

Tammi: Ah, great, we’re gonna be known as the murder house at school.

Frank: Just in time for parent-teacher conferences, too.

Betty: Is Steven the only one who appreciates it?

Teri: It’s great, mom. Just a bit excessive, but we’ve come to expect that from you.

Betty: I’d rather be excessive than boring!

Danielle: Don’t worry, no one’s going to see this as boring.

Ralph: Will they see it any think the person behind it needs to go to a mental institution? Definitely. Will they think it’s boring? No way.

Betty: I aim to dazzle, glad I did.

Jerry: Why is there so much blood?

Betty: You’ve never seen a blood fountain before?

Jerry: Maybe in a movie about a serial killer?

Danielle: That corpse in the casket looks so real.

Ralph: It is real, she actually carved up Anita before you guys all got home. Gonna have to hide that from the police.

Frank: I’ll tell the police if they come here.

Ralph: You would say that.

Danielle: I just have to ask. You’re joking, right, Ralph? She didn’t really kill Anita?

Steven: That would be bad for my relationship, I hope she didn’t do it.

Tammi: Is that the only reason it would be bad?

Steven: Yeah, yeah, murder is bad…

Betty: I didn’t kill Anita, even if I’d like to. This is all the makings of the genius Gene Harleton of Harleton Decor in Los Angeles.

Cindy: Oh, so this is all shipped out of California. No wonder it took forever to arrive

Jerry: The taxes on this must’ve been outrageous.

Velma: You said they were custom, I was really worried all this twisted crap came from your mind. It’s a bit of a relief.

Betty: It was a collaboration. I described most of it, he brought it to life.

Velma: Oh… I’ll be watching my back.

Betty: Just because I wanted a scary display doesn’t mean I’m crazy.

Teri: No, it just means you’ll be giving many children lifelong nightmares for this year’s trick-or-treat.

Karl: This sounds so expensive.

Betty: We’re doing well! We can afford it for some festive fun.

Karl: I’ve seen the finances. We’re not doing that well…

Tammi: Steven, get off that swing!

Betty: Oh, yeah, that’s not sturdy at all! He’ll fall.

Steven: Ouch!

Betty: That’s gonna cost you! Four Saturdays’ worth of pay!

Frank: I’ll just pay it.

Betty: I don’t want your blood money.

Frank: Blood money?

Betty: Yeah. Taking anything from you makes my nose bleed.

Teri: That is fitting for the holiday, no?

Four days later, there is a knock at the door.

Velma: I’ll get it, since you’re all busy with dinner and I’m banned from entering the kitchen while food is being prepared.

Cindy: Yup, sounds good.

Tammi: Preparing dinner is the one time we can get Mitchell to help with anything around the house, we take the help we can get there.

Velma: That doesn’t mean I can’t help.

Tammi: Doesn’t it?

Teri: The door! Someone’s still waiting at the door!

Velma: Oh, right.

Velma opens the door.

Velma: Oh, Anita. I didn’t know Alysa and Steven had a date tonight.

Anita: Hi, Velma. They don’t have a date, I’m actually here on official HOA business.

Velma: Can we step outside please?

Anita: I’m a bit afraid out here alone, so I’d like having someone out here with me, sure.

Velma closes the door.

Velma: What’s the HOA business? I’d really prefer they not hear, they get so worked up over it.

Anita: You’re going to have to tell Betty. The Halloween decorations are going to have to come down.

Velma: I am not telling her that. She has more pride in that display than she has in her own children.

Anita: It has to come down, so just set this note on the table and let her find it if you’re so afraid of how she’ll react to you telling her it has to go.

Velma: She worked hard on that. Her and some guy from California named Gene.

Anita: She’s free to argue against it if she’d like at our next HOA meeting, which is tomorrow. But it has to be down by trick-or-treat.

Velma: That’s in four days! Three days before Halloween. You can’t just let her leave it up one more week?

Anita: I don’t make the rules.

Velma: But… you do?

Anita: Just give her the letter. See you around, Velma.

One hour later…

Betty: Are you kidding me?

Ralph: What did the Republicans do now, mom?

Jerry: Not what MSDNC is telling her they did, that’s for sure.

Betty: It’s from the HOA.

Tammi: That’s never good.

Jerry: I can’t stand those nosy busybodies.

Frank: They can be nice sometimes.

Tammi: Shut up, Frank!

Teri: You know it’s bad when she’s saying it…

Betty: I have to take down the Halloween display.

Cindy: What? They jealous or something? Too cool?

Karl: That cost far too much, it’s not coming down!

Ralph: What’s with you worrying about the cost, dad?

Karl: If you managed the finances at the boutique, you’d be panicking about the cost, too.

Betty: It says here, in the letter from that bitch Anita -

Steven: She’s not so bad!

Betty: Tammi -

Tammi: You don’t even have to say it.

Betty: He’s taking after your husband far more than I’d like.

Tammi: I know.

Frank: Hey!

Tammi: I’d really rather he not be an Anita DeFleur fan.

Steven: She’s nice to me.

Frank: And me!

Teri: Only to upset mom.

Frank: That’s hurtful.

Betty: You know, Steven, she wanted me to try to split you two up.

Steven: What?

Betty: Before your first date, she tried to get me to spread lies about her to get to your head. I never considered it.

Steven: What a bi-

Betty: Now can we focus on me? All that work, down the drain.

Karl: All that money!

Betty: That too. Anita’s taken this feud too far this time.

Cindy: What does the letter say?

Betty: It says they got many complaints about the display being “too scary” for a “family-friendly neighborhood” and it has to be removed in order to fit their decorating standards.

Danielle: I promise it wasn’t me! I was scared, but I kept it to myself.

Teri: I don’t believe you. I’ll get you in your sleep tonight. Jerry, let me borrow your Freddy Krueger costume.

Jerry: That went back, not paying Bezos fifty bucks for something I’ll only wear once.

Teri: Damn you, never useful.

Velma: Anita said you can appeal the decision tomorrow at the HOA meeting if you want.

Ralph: Ahh! Nothing scarier I can think of than an HOA meeting!

Jerry: Communist censorship is scarier. Coincidentally, that’s exactly what they’re doing. Those monsters!

Ralph: Do you know what communism is?

Jerry: Bad things I don’t like.

Ralph: His vote counts just as much as mine does. Oy.

Betty: How do you know about what Anita said? Did you read my letter?

Velma: She was here. I talked to her, butI thought you reading it in a letter gave me better odds of surviving.

Betty: I’m not going to kill you. I’ll be too busy working on my speech for the HOA tomorrow to do that.

Mitchell: Are we going to eat or what? I worked hard on this food!

Tammi: You cut some bread!

Velma: And it’s the hardest he’ll work all week.

Jerry: I work with him. Can confirm.

The next day, at the HOA meeting…

Anita: And our next order of business is… the appeal to the HOA order for the removal of the Bellwood family Halloween display. Up first to speak is Betty Bellwood, who I see is dressed for the occasion.

Betty: I hope my outfit is HOA-approved, I know I’m walking a thin line here.

Anita: Gaudy, sure, but I reluctantly rule it to be appropriate nonetheless.

Betty: I thank you all for your time, and for listening to me. Yesterday, as most of you are certainly aware, I was instructed to remove my Halloween display. A display lovingly crafted, with so much hard-earned money -

Karl: So much!

Betty: put into it. It was a display made to celebrate this wonderful holiday known as Halloween, as a way to give back.It was something positive, and fun. I’m now being told to take it down, because I’ve apparently scared a few people. Anyone with half a brain can tell that it’s nothing more than a silly Halloween display, but people decided to target me and my home with complaints. Who is to blame? I’m afraid it’s the DeFleur fans, the censorship brigade, the coalition of no fun, the Lakey Gazette-reading, candy corn-eating wokerati who don’t think our families can handle a bit of spooky fun. This, to me, is anti-American. Let us celebrate, let us have fun, and let us enjoy our silly holiday for ghouls and monsters. I yield.

Anita: Thank you for that… interesting rant, Ms. Bellwood. It’s good to see you practicing for your apparent upcoming service in Congress. Does anyone else have anything to comment on this matter before we take it up for a vote among the full board?

Alysa: I do!

Anita: Alysa, what are you doing here? My daughter, everyone.

Alysa: The Bellwoods should be allowed to keep their Halloween display.

Anita: She’s always been a joker!

Alysa: I’m serious! You always say that the outrage of a few shouldn’t get to control what all of us do.

Anita: That doesn’t sound like me.

Alysa: They put up a fun display for all of us to enjoy. A little gory? Yes, but so is the Barney Park Halloween Horror, and the whole town loves that. I think people are just a bit jealous that the Bellwoods went all-out, while their houses are decorated in cheap stuff they got from Walmart.

Marcel: Anita, control your daughter.

Anita: Oh, shut up you mime!

Alysa: There’s nothing wrong with enthusiastically embracing a holiday! We should thank the Bellwoods for putting in so much time and effort to raise our community’s sense of Halloween spirit.

Anita: Betty…

Betty: Yes?

Anita: Can you dial back on the fake blood?

Betty: I can try.

Anita: Okay, fine. Keep your display. You win.

Betty: I do?

Teri: After that speech?

Anita: Shush before I chance my mind. My daughter only has so much sway on my opinions.

Betty: Look at that, Steven! Your little high school relationship just saved the world!

Steven: You’re welcome.

Teri: Well, it saved a Halloween display.

Betty: Some would say that’s more important than saving the world.

Ralph: Who would say that?

Teri: Kate Bush? Stevie Nicks? Kelly Ripa?

Ralph: Kelly Ripa?

Teri: She's a witch, too. I just know it.

Betty: You people have no Halloween spirit!

What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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