Gretchen walks into the house after a long day on the campaign trail.
Gretchen: What is going on here? You guys turned this place in the Addams Family mansion!
Lucinda: It was all your daughter. I had nothing do do with the destruction of your family home.
Christina: Destruction? Grandma, I put up some Halloween decorations.
Lucinda: It’s disgusting now. There are webs, and body parts, and dust -
Gretchen: That’s my fault, I haven’t done he cleaning.
Anthony: You have a valid excuse, you’re running for office. We need to start picking up the slack while you have such long campaign trail days.
Lucinda: No need to kiss her ass, Anthony. She already married you.
Anthony: I’m only supporting my wife, what’s wrong with that?
Lucinda: You go about it in such an annoying way.
Christina: Anyway, my decorations. Aren’t they delightful spooky? I worked so hard on them, spent all day. Most of it in the attic, trying to find where everything was.
Gretchen: Was it that difficult to find?
Christina: It shouldn’t have been, but grandma went up there over the summer and rearranged everything.
Lucinda: It was a mess!
Christina: It was an attic!
Lucinda: Your house is only as nice as its least-cluttered room.
Gretchen: Who has ever said that?
Lucinda: She found everything eventually, and it looks great!
Anthony: You just said it’s disgusting.
Lucinda: Well you’re all giving me the third degree, I have to say something positive!
Gretchen: Ah, I love torturing you, mom.
Lucinda: I can tell!
Toby: Mom!
Gretchen: Yes, honey? You’re the only one here who doesn’t give me a headache!
Anthony: Why do I give you a headache?
Gretchen: Only when you fight with mom.
Anthony: You fight with you mom, too.
Gretchen: She always instigates it.
Lucinda: Lies!
Toby: Mom!
Gretchen: Oh, right!
Toby: Halloween is in two weeks, and I don’t have a costume!
Gretchen: Oh, god! I thought your father was dealign with that.
Anthony: Why would you think that?
Gretchen: I don’t know, to get the blame off me, maybe?
Anthony: You’re usually so on top of it. I guess it’s easy to see why you’re not this year.
Gretchen: Honey, until I pulled in the driveway and saw the inflatable Sanderson Sisters in our yard, I didn’t even remember it was Halloween. By the way, how much did that cost?
Anthony: I bought it, as long as Christina agreed to not make me put any decorations out this year. Felt like two hundred bucks well-spent.
Gretchen: Halloween is such a magical time! We spend so much money on funny decorations that you would never, in a million years, consider bringing anywhere near your home at any other time of year.
Christina: It’s the best part of the season.
Anthony: Lucinda is all the witch energy we need in the house for eleven months out of the year.
Lucinda: I really enjoyed last year’s display, there were no cobwebs. You know, that’s the only part I really don’t like. They’re tacky.
Christina: They’re whimsical!
Toby: I still don’t have a costume!
Gretchen: Oh, honey. I keep forgetting because your sister won’t shut up.
Christina: I-
Gretchen: She’s so thrilled about Halloween. Head-over-heels excited about it. That’s why she’s taking you to buy a new costume.
Christina: What? Why can’t you just find one on Amazon?
Gretchen: There’s nothing like going to the store and finding a costume and taking it home with you.
Anthony: Also, Jeff Bezos is evil.
Christina: That is true.
Gretchen: So you’re going with Toby. Tomorrow.
Toby: I hope they have good costumes. I don’t want to be doctor again because it’s the only costume left.
Gretchen: Well, you’re going so early in the season… it’ll be fine.
Christina: Amazon…
Gretchen: Costume store. No exceptions. It’ll be a fun sibling bonding experience.
Christina: Okay. But only as a favor to you, since you’re so busy.
Gretchen: Thank you for begrudgingly agreeing to spend time with your brother. You’re so sweet.
The next day, in Gretchen’s office…
Gretchen: Did everyone just now get the memo that it’s Halloween? Christina also just finished up decorating our place.
Susana: I was decorating at home, and I thought, “Wouldn’t it be nice if I took the leftover decorations in to decorate the office?”
Gretchen: Oh, so we get the junk here?
Carol: Yes, that’s why the Halloween tree only halfway lights and the scarecrows look weathered and the knickknacks look like they’re from the dollar store.
Gretchen: Well, I suppose it’s nice to get some Halloween spirit in here either way.
Susana: That’s what I thought!
Samantha: Ah! Why’d I just walk into the Island of Misfit Halloween Decorations?
Gretchen: Lieutenant Governor Pratt! Broom in the shop?
Samantha: I thought we were friends now.
Gretchen: I only razz two types of people: those I’m friends with, and those I detest. A bit of mocking does not mean I’m not a friend you can lean on.
Samantha: Well, speaking of friends to lean on, I have some gossip. Mind if I shut the door?
Gretchen: Sure, go ahead.
Samantha shuts the door, locks it, and pulls the blinds down.
Gretchen: I didn’t realize you were going to do all that. The hell are you telling me, are you a Russian spy?
Samantha: No, I’m just a spy for you now.
Gretchen: We’re really allies now? After all this time?
Samantha: I like you more than I like those other two bozos at the moment. My loyalties lie with you. But I don’t want them to know.
Gretchen: So what did Hank do now? What bill’s he going to screw over?
Samantha: Carol, I’m shocked you didn’t hear this yet.
Carol: I was busy decorating last night, my phone’s been off.
Gretchen: What you always want to hear from your campaign manager slash chief of staff.
Samantha: Mike Durkin, the Democratic nominee in Jeanne’s district, dropped out. No one knows why, but there has been a lot of speculation about Jeanne being involved. The party is selecting her to be the replacement nominee, so her plan sure seems to have worked out.
Gretchen: Hell is a place on earth.
Samantha: I figured you’d appreciate that!
Gretchen: It may be Halloween, but here’s no movie I’ll watch this season that’s more bone-chilling than that. You finally think you’re getting rid of a pain in your ass, and then it turns out she’s a cat and that was just the first of her nine lives.
Samantha: She might not be quite as bad now with blocking you. She sees you’re popular, and she wants to be governor one day. Becoming an ally to you may be the only way to make this second chance be worthwhile.
Gretchen: Is that why you’re working with me now, too?
Samantha: No, I jus genuinely appreciate that you helped save my son’s life, like a normal mother. I’m not nearly as cynical as Jeanne is.
Jeanne (outside the door): Are you talking about me?
Gretchen: How does this always happen? Did you people bug my office?
Jeanne: Let me in!
Carol: Should I get the shotgun?
Jeanne: I’m going, I’m going!
Samantha: I should go, too. I just thought you should know what’s going on.
Gretchen: You don’t need to rush off. We’re probably just going to spend the next hour rearranging the Halloween decorations.
Susana: I think they look beautiful as-is!
Gretchen: I think that melting clown can be moved somewhere a bit less… prominent.
Susana: I made that in school!
Carol: And it was a horror show then, too.
Four hours later…
Hank: Gretchen, what is this?
Gretchen: Hello, Hank. Want to sit down in my office, Hank? What a lovely day it is outside, Hank.
Hank: No need for niceties. What the hell is this on your Twitter account?
Gretchen: Aww, you follow me on Twitter?
Hank: No, but my assistant does. And hopefully our spouses do not.
Gretchen: What are you talking about, man?
Hank: “I have something to admit: Hank Matthews and I have been having an affair.“
Gretchen: Maybe in your wildest dreams!
Hank: That is sick! I think it’s your wildest dream!
Gretchen: I’m sorry, Hank, but it’s not exactly out of this world to imagine you’d want to have an affair, after, you know…
Hank: That never happened again! I’m a faithful husband. Now.
Carol: That tweet is on your account, though, Gretchen. One of quite a few. You also confessed to financial crimes, admitted to bribing political opponents, and said you want to raise taxes.
Gretchen: Only the las one is true.
Carol: Someone has clearly hacked us.
Hank: You’re welcome.
Carol: Why, were you the one that hacked us?
Hank: I let you know about it! Imagine the disaster if you’d have let those stay up!
Gretchen gets a phone call.
Gretchen: Hank, excuse me, I have to take this. Ladies, you, uh… figure something out.
Susana: Already on it!
Hank: Should I show myself out?
Gretchen: Whatever makes your heart content, Hank.
Hank: Okay, well, see you later… lover.
Gretchen: I feel ill.
Gretchen steps away to answer her phone.
Gretchen: What is going on? This better be an emergency, because I’m at work, and you know that.
Christina: Grandma -
Gretchen: Oh, god! What happened to your grandmother?
Christina: She insisted on coming with us to the costume store.
Gretchen: Wow, it really is an emergency.
Lucinda: Hi, Gretchen!
Susana: Is everything okay?
Gretchen: Yes, Susana. Just my family being criminally insane. Go deal with the crisis.
Susana: Will do.
Christina: What crisis?
Gretchen: Oh, nothing. How’s shopping going?
Christina: Not well. They barely have anything left.
Gretchen: It is October 15th, that’s not a massive shock. People always take the good costumes by now.
Christina: Why did you force me to bring him here, then?
Gretchen: For bonding!
Christina: Oh, yeah. We sure are bonding. Say Tob?
Toby: We’re having a blast!
Christina: Any costume Toby likes, grandma hates. Any one that she likes, Toby doesn’t like.
Gretchen: I don’t think grandma’s the one wearing it.
Toby: That’s what I said!
Lucinda: My grandson is not going to wear some ridiculous costume. It’s got to be useful.
Gretchen: What do they have that Toby likes?
Toby: There’s a David Pumpkins costume from SNL -
Gretchen: That’s it! That’s the one!
Toby: They also have -
Gretchen: Toby, honey, pick the one you like best. You have my full permission to ignore your grandmother.
Christina: You’re not the one who’ll have to hear about it all day!
Gretchen: Tough luck. Get him the costume he wants.
Toby: Thank you!
Christina: Yeah, thanks…
Gretchen walks back out into the office.
Carol: What was your family annoying you about?
Gretchen: Halloween costumes.
Carol: What’s with all the Halloween talk today?
Susana: ’Tis the season!
Carol: I don’t mean to distract from the holiday, but we’re sort of in dire straits here.
Gretchen: I love the Sultans of Swing.
Carol: Not the musical kind. The, “we have a scandal” kind.
Gretchen: What’s going on?
Susana: Remember Calvin Donaldson?
Gretchen: You may as well be speaking Mandarin.
Susana: He was a paid campaign staffer.
Gretchen: We’ve got a lo of those.
Susana: Yeah. Well. Most of them aren’t spies.
Gretchen: Oh, them Russians!
Susana: Not that kind of spy.
Carol: You keep talking about the Russians today.
Gretchen: They’re the first thing my mind turns to when I think of spies, sorry.
Carol: Well, these spies are from Cranston.
Gretchen: The Thorne campaign?
Carol: Yeah.
Gretchen: Bad things happen in Cranston!
Carol: You don’t seem to be taking this seriously.
Gretchen: I’m really not very worried about he desperate attempts of a man trying all he can to be relevant. This is a last-ditch effort to get him out of the hole he’s in. How he thinks this helps him, though, I don’t know.
Carol: I don’t know what his aim is, but I’d guess he was trying to find some dirt on you with this spy. He probably didn’t, since he decided to send out some dumb tweets instead of releasing any actual dirt. Someone said our donor list was accessed, I don’t know what that was supposed to do for him.
Gretchen: So he got my voter list and sent a few tweets. I now get to run on the fact that he spied on my campaign. What a genius.
Carol: Maybe we don’t run on the fact that we hired an opposition campaign’s spy because we’re bad at vetting people.
Gretchen: Good point.
Susana: I hate that he just gets away with this, though. No repercussions for his actions.
Gretchen: What if we break his kneecaps? As revenge! Like Nancy Kerrigan!
Carol: Yeah, that worked well for Tonya.
Gretchen: TP his house? Happy Halloween!
Carol: The best revenge is beating him at the ballot box.
Gretchen: Boring!
Carol: It’s not a competitive race right now, I see no need to shake it up right now by throwing a wrench into the plans.
Gretchen: So there will be no justice.
Carol: It’s your job. If you really insist on running on this, we can. Again, it might open you up to more scrutiny than it’s worth, but if it’s what you want…
Gretchen: It’s what I want!
Carol: Okay. Then we’ll go guns blazing on this.
Gretchen: Finally, you listen to me.
Carol: Finally? I always listen to you!
Gretchen: Eh…
Carol: Susana, back me up!
Susana: Staying out of this!
Gretchen: When are we running the ad?
Carol: I don’t know, we should probably delete those tweets first.
Gretchen: You didn’t delete them yet? What is wr-
Carol: Got you!
Gretchen: She drives me crazy.
Later that night, at home…
Toby: Mom! I can’t find my costume!
Gretchen: Oh, cool, glad I get to deal with this again.
Toby: I put it in my room and now it’s gone. I wanted to show you.
Gretchen: Mother, where is it?
Lucinda: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Anthony: Is it orange?
Toby: Yes.
Anthony: It’s on her bed.
Lucinda: Snitches get stitches.
Anthony: There’s also what appears to be an Aqua-Man costume in there.
Gretchen: So mom’s a superhero now, very cool. Toby, go get your costume from her room.
Anthony: How was your day, honey?
Gretchen: We found out my campaign had a spy infiltrate it. Other than that, pretty good.
Christina: James Bond was volunteering for your campaign?
Gretchen: No, not that sexy - I mean, not the exciting.
Anthony: Terrible save.
Gretchen: It was some Republican staffer pretending to wan to work for us. He was terrible at his job, though. Didn’t get any dirt. Probably because I’m incompetent, not corrupt. And everyone already knows hat!
Lucinda: That should be your campaign slogan.
What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read a new episode next week!
