Olivia: I can’t believe they’ve called another family meeting.
Fred: They? Isn’t that more Claude’s singular doing?
Olivia: That’s what he wants you to believe. Him and mum are a team. Partners in crime. The crime in question, of course, being driving me stark raving mad.
Gigi: What is this meeting about?
Olivia: He wouldn’t tell me. He dragged me all the way from the country, where I was watching my racing, for a family meeting about something he refused to discuss over the phone. I want him dead.
Fred: Let’s not say that aloud. You never know when he’s listening.
Olivia: Fred, he’s the King, not Santa Claus.
Fred: He could have this whole car bugged!
Olivia: I’m not nearly interesting enough for him to waste his time spying on me.
Gigi: What do you think this meeting could be about, though? We haven’t done anything wrong, have we?
Olivia: Like I said, no clue. We’ll find out soon enough, though.
Todd: Are they going to pat me down before I go into Buckingham again? It’s like the guards don’t even realize I’m in the family.
Gigi: Probably because the entire family wishes you weren’t.
Olivia: Stop being rude too your brother. I feel like I have elementary schoolers again.
Gigi: That’s just the level that Todd’s brain is developed at.
Todd: I am a husband and a father!
Gigi: Not a very good one!
Olivia: I’m sorry, Fred. I’m going to crash the car. I can’t take it any longer.
Fred: We’re almost there, they’ll be on their best behavior at the palace.
Olivia: What about after? We’re going to have to stay at St. James’s with them overnight.
Gigi: You know, we’re right here.
Thirty minutes later…
Claude: Ah, Olivia. Finally, you found your way here.
Fred: Lots of traffic, sorry.
Olivia: Ethan and Selina aren’t here. What’s it matter that we weren’t, either?
Claude: I know, I just like giving you a hard time.
Christine: Anyone watching anything good on TV lately? How’s Strictly been?
Claire: A lot of dancing. It’s Strictly.
Christine: They had one of the Loose Women on, I had to boycott. They mocked me, you know?
Arthur: We’ve heard, mum.
Fred: I prefer Bake Off, anyhow.
Christine: They said I’m not the real queen as long as Eleanor’s still around.
Eleanor: Do you want me to die so you can be the real queen?
Christine: That’d be great, thank you.
Ethan: We’re here, sorry we’re so late!
Claude: Olivia just got here, too, no problem.
Olivia: I still got here before you, it’s a win!
Gigi; Uncle Claude, what is this meeting about?
Claude: Should be get right to it?
Arthur: I guess.
Olivia: You all look so serious. Did Mandy die?
Mandy: I’m right here!
Olivia: Oh, you’re so slumped in that chair, I didn’t see you there.
Mandy: Most people don’t.
Claude: My news is even worse.
Mandy: Hey!
Claude: Nathan is planning to ask that American girl to marry him.
Olivia: Oh no, your beloved son is in love. This is basically D-Day.
Ethan: You realize we won on D-Day, right?
Olivia: Look at you, retaining information you learned in school.
Claude: Be serious! This is a major crisis!
Olivia: In what way? How is an engagement a crisis?
Claude: We haven’t had time to investigate her. We barely know anything about this woman and he wants to bring her into our family. This is beyond rushed.
Claire: Like I said, he’s been thinking about proposing for a while. They’ve been together for a year, that’s a long enough time to get to know someone.
Claude: We’ve barely met her at all.
Selina: May I chime in?
Olivia: You’re not family, you don’t get a vote.
Selina: Claire does!
Olivia: The woman’s a saint, you’re Satan. There’s a difference.
Selina: I’ve been a far more active member of this family this century than you’ve been!
Olivia: Always throwing the in my face…
Eleanor: Am I allowed to speak?
Claude: Of course, mother.
Eleanor: I know we haven’t vetted his girl, which is unusual, but she seems like a very nice girl. She’s respectful, she has made attempts at learning how the family operates, she doesn’t appear to have any skeletons in her closet. I see no reason to panic.
Claude: People tend to hide their darkest secrets.
Christine: Not to mention, she’s a divorcée.
Ethan: No one in this family would ever marry a divorcée!
Christine: Yes, my point exactly. We all saw what happened the last time someone in the family married a divorcé.
Olivia: That won’t happen as long as you’ve all learned how to act.
Ethan: Wha would ever give you the impression they’ve learned that?
Olivia: One would hope they would grow up after twenty years.
Ethan: You’d hope, but, no such luck.
Claude: I have nothing against her for being divorced!
Fred: What is it, then? Xenophobia?
Claude: It’s okay when they’re American! It’s not xenophobia then.
Ethan: What else you got? You’re going to need more than “She’s American” to stop your son from marrying the woman of his dreams.
Christine: Woman of his dreams? They barely know each other!
Olivia: At least they know each other more than the two of you did! You were engaged within two months!
Christine: Of all the dirty lows -
Eleanor: Olivia, that’s a bit different. Christine’s father is a lord. Ms. Millstone’s father is, a -
Claire: A freelance photojournalist.
Arthur: She comes from old money, though!
Eleanor: Rockefeller, Vanderbilt, Getty?
Arthur: No, he dad’s the heir to the Millstone Family dog food fortune.
Eleanor: So the Kibbles & Bits girl is about to be par of our family tree. I step down less than a year ago and it’s already gone to hell in a hand basket.
Claude: On the topic of family, did you see her mother? The woman appeared to be high on some sort of drugs.
Todd: Like Gigi!
Gigi: Shut up, Todd!
Claire: Veronica is an eccentric woman.
Claude: She’s a mental patient!
Claire: She’s interesting! We need interesting in this family, anyone boring gets in here and they’ll put Mandy to sleep.
Eleanor: She’s already sleeping now.
Gigi: She is just sleeping, right?
Arthur: I have a question.
Claude: Your questions are always reasonable, continue.
Arthur: Why is the marriage any of our business, anyway? This Nathan’s life to live, he’s never going to be the reigning monarch, it doesn’t really matter. Even if she turns out to be completely insane -
Olivia: She can’t be any worse than my ex!
Arthur: the family will be fine. Just let Nathan be happy.
Claude: You know very well from your training why it’s our business. As monarch, it’s my duty to ensure that everyone that marries into the family is fit for the role.
Selina: And Alicia is not! She's wrong for the family, she’s wrong for the job, and she’s wrong for the country. It’s not a match.
Claire: I noticed you didn’t care to mention whether she’s right for Nathan or not.
Selina: Doesn’t matter. It’s the sacrifice this family must make.
Olivia: Will you shut the hell up and stop acting as if you’re in this family by birthright? You had to marry in just like Alicia, this same discussion was had about you!
Selina: Ethan! Defend me!
Ethan: Staying out of this one, darling.
Claude: As I was saying, it’s my duty tot approve it or deny it, just as it was mum’s when she was queen.
Olivia: Yes, we saw how that went.
Eleanor: We’re back together in the end, that’s what matters!
Olivia: Look, I think I have a bit more insight into this than anyone else here. I’ve married someone that was divorced, and my marriage wasn’t accepted. The media treated us terribly! I persevered. I don’t want Nathan to struggle like I did, but if I never made that decision to allow the struggle, I wouldn’t be as happy as I am today. Claude, if you don’t let him marry her, he will leave this family just like I did, and he might not ever come back. At the end of the day, he a smart guy and he knows true love is worth the struggle.
Fred: Aww, we really are true love.
Christine: What is the point you’re trying to make, exactly?
Olivia: I’m saying that while I do fear the treatment Nathan will receive from the media, and from this family, I see no point in trying to stop the marriage. Just like me, he’ll go through with it where he gets the blessing or not.
Claude: So you’re saying I’ve been rendered powerless by a dog food heiress?
Olivia: No! You’ve been rendered powerless by true love!
Selina: You watch too many Disney movies.
Olivia: Well, how could I not? So many of the characters remind me of my dear old sister-in-law. Cruella de Vil, Ursula, the Wicked Stepmother…
Claude: So, I have to give my blessing or I risk him walking away?
Eleanor: That’s been my experience. Thank you Olivia for that.
Olivia: My pleasure.
Two weeks later…
Claude: I’m glad you’re all here for dinner. We need all hands on deck.
Eleanor: Tonight is the night!
Gigi: That two become one?
Claire: I love the Spice Girls!
Gigi: Who doesn’t?
Eleanor: I’ve me the Spice Girls. Not really cuppa tea, but they’re nice girls.
Todd: They’re more Spice Women now.
Claude: Claude and Lady Liberty are coming for dinner and he’s popping the question on the balcony.
Arthur: He’s asking her at a family dinner? Oh, Nathan…
Christine: I gave him the idea!
Arthur: Even better. Getting proposal advice from mummy. Is he ready?
Claire: Of course he’s ready. Have you seen the way he looks at her?
Arthur: The look of lust? Yes.
Selina: You never look at me that way, Ethan.
Ethan: I’ll try harder next time, dear.
Arthur: That look doesn’t mean he’s ready for marriage. It just means he wants to -
Eleanor: No! This talk will not occur in my house! I met dignitaries here for sixty years, I am not listening to this filth!
Christine: It’s really our house now. Not that I want to hear it, either. I thought you had more tact than that, Arthur.
Arthur: I said nothing wrong!
Nathan: What are you all talking about?
Christine: Darling, you’re early! Dinner’s nowhere near ready.
Nathan: That’s fine, it doesn’t need to be. We won’t explode if we have to spend some time talking with all of you while we wait.
Olivia: Christine, you’d better get to the kitchen and get to work on dinner. Just because Nathan’s understanding doesn’t mean the rest of us are.
Christine: Very funny.
Alicia: Nathan, am I supposed to curtsy before them? I don’t remember.
Claude: No need to, dear. We’re in private, my head’s not nearly large enough to make you do that in private.
Alicia: That you, your majesty.
Claude: Call me Claude!
Alicia: I don’t feel comfortable doing that.
Claude: Fair enough.
Olivia: Nathan, since we’ve got the time, may I speak with you in another room?
Gigi: Ooh… how secretive!
Todd: You are like a human gnat.
Nathan: Of course we can speak, aunt Olivia. Alicia, I know they’re scary, I’m just a room away.
Alicia: My first time alone with them. Very exciting!
Ethan: I won’t let them give her too much grief, don’t worry Nate.
In the hall outside the dining room…
Olivia: So today’s the day?
Nathan: It is the day. Thank god I’ve got a royal chauffeur because I’ve never been so nervous before. I’m shaking so much, I’d have crashed the car.
Olivia: Your grandfather had a remarkable ability to crash cars, even if he wasn’t nervous.
Nathan: Ah, grandpa. I miss him.
Olivia: Imagine being me, Nathan.
Nathan: I know, I know.
Olivia: No use dwelling on it now, not on your special day. However -
Nathan: Oh no, not a “however.”
Olivia: Darling, I love you. I just fear for you. She’s a divorced American woman. The media is going to rip her apart limb by limb, for the tiniest of offenses.
Nathan: I’ve already considered that.
Olivia: You’re ready to start that kind of life? It’s not easy, believe me.
Nathan: Do you not wan me to marry her?
Olivia: No, I do! I just want you to know what you’re getting into. I worry for you is all.
Nathan: hat’s very sweet, I do appreciate it.
Olivia: I was one of the main people in the family pushing for your father to give his blessing. He was undecided.
Nathan: He was what?
Olivia: Oh, I’ve said too much.
Nathan: I don’t think you’ve said enough. My father was undecided on whether to give his blessing or not? I thought that was just an outdated formality, like asking the bride’s parents for permission!
Olivia: How is Veronica, by the way? Lovely, fascinating woman.
Nathan: How hard did you have to push for him to give his blessing?
Olivia: Uh… a normal amount.
Nathan: A normal amount would be none! You would accept your child’s choices.
Olivia: Tell me about it!
Nathan: Not about you right now, auntie.
Olivia: Oh, right. Of course not.
Nathan: I’m going to go and have a talk with him and tell him just how insipid I find his whole process to be.
Olivia: I understand why you’re mad, but please don’t get into an argument with your father on your special day. Don’t jeopardize your happiness just because it took a bit of convincing to make your father do the decent thing.
Nathan: Why shouldn’t I?
Olivia: It’ll cause a fight, I’ve been down that road. The important thing is he’s on board now.
Nathan: I suppose you’re right. I’m still mad, though!
Olivia: You’ve got every right to be. Now, let’s get back to the dining room and get you engaged!
Two hours later, in the dining room…
Nathan: Alicia, my love, can I speak with you on the balcony?
Alicia: The balcony? Isn’t there somewhere warmer we can speak? Maybe Antarctica.
Christine: Silly Californians, they don’t know what cold is.
Nathan: Just, step on out here with me. You can take your jacket with you.
Alicia: Okay, I will, if it’s so important to you.
Nathan: We’ll just be a few minutes, everyone carry on with dessert.
Olivia: Oh, we were planning on it.
Nathan and Alicia step out to the balcony.
Claire: Don’t you all just love love?
Arthur: Of course, dear. It’s lovely.
Eleanor: I think it’s so sweet he’s using my balcony for the proposal.
Claude: Your balcony?
Eleanor: You heard me.
Olivia: Her nose is running.
Fred: Maybe the outdoor proposal in forty-degree weather wasn’t the wisest move.
Christine: I still think it was romantic.
Ethan: You would, you old kook.
Christine: I am NOT old!
Gigi: I can’t see what’s going on out there, someone tell me.
Olivia: Maybe turn around?
Gigi: I don’t want to look like I’m a voyeur!
Fred: Doubt they’re worried about that right now. They’re more concerned with other maters at the moment.
Claire: Oh, he’s getting down on one knee!
Eleanor: God, I wish that I could do that.
Claire: She’s crying.
Olivia: I’d cry too if someone were asking me to join this family.
Claude: Must you be so negative?
Olivia: Negative? Me? I’m the only one here who wanted this proposal to happen at all! Well, me and Claire.
Claire: It’s so beautiful.
Olivia: By the way, Claude, I may have let it slip to Nathan that you were not particularly enthused about this.
Claude: This is why we shouldn’t ever leave you alone with anyone! Remember the conversation with the Prime Minister?
Olivia: So I called him a drunkard? Big deal! Everyone knows he is one!
The door to the balcony swings open.
Alicia: We’re engaged!
Olivia: What a joyous occasion!
Claude: You’e going to have to reel in those emotions in public, dear. Can’t go jumping about like crazy on royal duties.
Olivia kicks Claude under the table.
Claude: What was that for?
Olivia: Being a dunce.
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return for the new episode next week!
