CAST
Kurt: long-term reliever-turned starting pitcher
Lorenzo: middle-relief pitcher
Jason: bullpen coach
Robert: 8th inning/setup pitcher
Bryan: closer
Eli: left-handed specialist
Lorenzo: I’m pitching today.
Kurt: No you’re not. Or is this one of those things where you think that if you picture something happening, it comes true?
Lorenzo: It works. And no. I’m pitching today.
Bryan: I’m confused. Are you delusional or just joking? It’s hard to tell with you sometimes.
Eli: Sounds like both to me. Lorenzo likes to have a good time but he also thinks he has potential to be a good pitcher.
Lorenzo: Eli, I know I’m not a good pitcher, I just like to ask every game to make sure I’m not pitching. And today, they told me I am.
Robert: I don’t think you understand, our team needs to win this game if they want to keep playing. Why would they put you in, even if the game is a blowout? Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re the team’s 6th-best pitcher at best.
Bryan: They must be trying to lose. I bet some of our teammates have money on our team losing!
Kurt: Guys, why are we coming up with conspiracy theories when common sense says he’s not pitching?
Robert: Here comes Jason, he can shut down this rumor right away.
Eli: Hey Jason!
Jason: What? Why are you saying hi to me, when have we ever greeted one another when we arrived?
Kurt: Let me try. Jason, Lorenzo has these guys thinking he’s actually going to pitch today.
Jason: He is. He’s starting.
Kurt: What?
Jason: He is.
Kurt: I heard you, I meant why?
Jason: They didn’t want to have an actual starter pitch today if they didn’t have to.
Eli: But Lorenzo sucks. We all suck.
Jason: That’s not true, Kurt is mediocre-to-decent now.
Kurt: Hold on. He’s starting??!!
Lorenzo: No way, I’m starting?! Even I know that makes no sense.
Jason: Just get out there and do your best.
Lorenzo: Can I bring a snack with me?
Jason: I don’t think there’s a clear rule against it...
Lorenzo: So yes. Anyone have a frozen hot dog?
Eli: Why would any of us have frozen hot dogs?
Lorenzo: I’m flag down the hot dog guy myself. They come frozen now. Budget cuts.
(Lorenzo walks up to the mound with a frozen hot dog in his hand. He gets ready to throw the first pitch and hears the crowd chanting “Fatty”.)
Jason: Wow, this is a tough crowd.
Eli: Guess that’s what happens when we’re not playing at home.
Bryan: Should we do something?
Kurt: What’s there to do? Lorenzo just can’t let this get to his head.
Robert: Oh, he’s letting it get to his head. The batter’s head, that is.
Jason: He’s wild out there, he’s almost hit the guy twice now!
Kurt: Is he eating the hot dog now?
Jason: Uh oh. That’s not going to help with the chants.
Eli: He can’t throw a strike as it is. Poor Lorenzo, he doesn’t deserve this.
Robert: That ball looked hard hit.
Bryan: Did I just see that happen?
Jason: What?
Bryan: A triple play! Lorenzo got out of the inning!
Kurt: How did that happen?!
(Lorenzo comes running back to the bullpen.)
Jason: I’m so sorry Lorenzo.
Lorenzo: What?
Eli: Did you not hear the crowd chanting Fatty at you?
Lorenzo: Oh yeah! How cool was that?! The crowd acknowledged me!
Kurt: Seriously, is it not registering with you that they’re trying to fat-shame you?
Lorenzo: Why, do they think I don’t know I’m heavier than the average baseball player? Now if they broke some bad news to me, that would be a whole different thing.
Jason: How would they break bad news to you before you knew it? Don’t your family and friends keep you in the loop?
Lorenzo: There was that one time they canceled my favorite show. Me and Patty would watch it together every week.
Kurt: Who’s Patty?
Lorenzo: Oh, Patty’s what I call the hamburger I eat every time I watched it. Good stuff.
Bryan: Of course it is.
Jason: So Lorenzo, what’s been your strategy so far?
Lorenzo: Easy. I throw a slowball, they hit it. Then I take a bite of my frozen hot dog and repeat the process.
Robert: What’s a slowball?
Lorenzo: It’s basically a fastball, except slow.
Robert: How is that thrown?
Lorenzo: Slowly. Really, the fastest I can pitch since I have no velocity.
Kurt: And then you hope they just hit it at someone?
Lorenzo: Not necessarily. I just hope the fielders catch enough of them to not score any runs.
Jason: Hold on, I’m getting a call...(On the phone) Hello? Yes. OK. Thanks. Bye. (Hangs up)
Jason: That was the team manager. Change of plans, they’re going with the actual starters for the rest of the game.
Lorenzo: Really?
Jason: I’m afraid so.
Lorenzo: I THREW A NO HITTER!!!!
Jason: Technically yes. You walked a couple guys, hit someone, and your pitches were all over the place, but yeah.
Lorenzo: I REALLY THREW A NO HITTER!!!!
(Lorenzo walks onto the field, tipping his cap. The crowd boos. Not because of Lorenzo, but because of a called ball four against the home team.)
Kurt: Wow. A no hitter, and the crowd is booing for something unrelated to us.
Eli: Think we win the game?
Robert: Maybe. Maybe not.
Bryan: I’m sure the score will be online. Let’s get out of here.
Jason: OK, I guess it’s settled, we’re leaving the game.
Lorenzo: Is this our last game?
Jason: Who knows. If our team wins, we play again. If they lose, I’ll see you all when I see you.
Lorenzo: My restaurant, same place same time?
Jason: Sure. But again, that’s only if our team loses. If they win, we have to go to the game. Alright everyone?
Lorenzo: Alright.
Jason: You’re the only one still here, aren’t you?
Lorenzo: Yep.
Jason: Let’s leave.
