Our House Season 2, Episode 6
Teri steps into the house and finds the family arguing.
Cindy: Mitchell, you said you were running to the store for a strand of lights for the porch and then you’d be back to decorate. You were gone all day and we never decorated! Christmas is in two weeks and we look like a bunch of grinches!
Mitchell: Hold on a minute! I was driving there but I felt nauseous on the way to the store and I had to pull over and throw up.
Cindy: So you just disappeared all day? We were worried about you! We had to go look for you!
Mitchell: I went to the doctor.
Tammi: Mitchell, you smell like beer and smoke. You were clearly at the club.
Velma: That’s unfair.
Ralph: You’re right, that’s always what he smells like. It could’ve been from yesterday.
Mitchell: None of you believe me? Seriously?
Cindy: Maybe if you’d stop making up excuses when you break promises, we’d believe your lies. But this is clearly a lie. Christmas is ruined and it’s your fault.
Betty: Please, everyone, stop fighting!
Cindy: Keep out of this mom.
Karl: Don’t talk to your mother like that.
Teri: Could you all just shut the hell up?!?
Cindy: Oh, now you’re gonna chime in.
Velma: This really isn’t your business, Teri.
Teri: I live here. I just spent five hours shopping of presents for you people. I deserve some peace. It’s my business.
Mitchell: I’m just mad that nobody believes me and you’re all blaming me for “ruining Christmas!”
As he finishes talking, Mitchell swings his hands, knocking over a ceramic Christmas decoration on the shelf behind him.
Betty: Mitchell! What did you do?
Mitchell: I’m so sorry.
Betty: My mother made that! How could you?
Mitchell: It was an accident! I swear, I didn’t mean to!
Betty: I don’t want to hear it. My Christmas is entirely ruined, thank you very much.
Teri: Mitchell, that wasn’t cool. My mom love that so much, and so did the rest of us. We’ve been living with each other for a little more than a year and how much stuff have you seen in here that was from my grandmother? Not much. You just destroyed a priceless memory. Now if you excuse me, I’m tired and I’d just like to go to bed. Merry Christmas to none of you.
Teri walks to her room with multiple bags of gifts in tow, tossing them onto her floor and changing into her pajamas before collapsing into her bed.
Teri: Oh, how I wish I was never born into this family.
Teri falls asleep soon after and wakes up in the middle of the night with a man standing over her bed.
Teri: AHHHHH!!!! Help me! There’s a man in my room!
Man: It’s no use. Nobody’s going to hear you.
Teri: Oh my god, is this how I go out?
Man: I’m not here to kill you. I’m your guardian angel, and I’m here to grant your wish.
Teri: What wish? That the Tree didn’t get eliminated on The Masked Singer?
Angel: No, that you wish you weren’t born.
Teri: Oh, that.
Angel: I’m going to show you what things would be like if you were never born. All the way back to when you would’ve been born, in 19-
Teri: Don’t. Don’t say it.
Angel: 1983.
Teri: Angel! I said no!
Angel: You can call me Clarence, by the way.
Teri: You are ancient, so that name checks out.
Clarence: Hey! Don’t insult your guardian angel! Now come on, back to your childhood home in 1983.
Teri: Why does everyone look so sad?
Clarence: You weren’t born. The pregnancy that resulted in you never happened. After your uncle died, your mother’s pregnancy was what brought your parents together.
Teri: But why do Cindy and Ralph look so upset? It’s not like they’d know what was going on.
Clarence: Your parents were going through a bit of a rough patch when you came into this world. You brought them together, and since that pregnancy didn’t happen to provide them with some happiness, they started to have loud and sometimes violent fights. Cindy and Ralph were devastated to see their once-happy home fall apart.
Teri: Violent? My parents attacked each other?
Clarence: Can you just watch?
Teri: Jeez, fine.
Betty: I lost my brother and cried for two weeks straight and you start hanging around the bar and leaving me alone with the kids every single night? You didn’t even care about me!
Karl: Think about how I felt! My wife and I are finally starting to rebuild our relationship and then she becomes cold and distant for weeks on end because of something that I didn’t even do! I was devastated. And you didn’t care about me! Just about you!
Betty: Karl, I lost a brother. Someone who was there for me all of my life. Everything was seemingly fine, and then it wasn’t.
Karl: But that wasn’t just you. He was my friend, too.
Betty: Everything’s all about you, isn’t it? You turn everything around on me when I just needed some time to heal.
Karl: I want a divorce.
Betty picks up a vase and throws it at Karl.
Teri: Why are they crazy now?
Clarence: This is what they were like back then. At least, ever since you didn’t exist.
Teri: Okay, this is not my fault. You can’t blame my mom throwing a vase on me.
Clarence: Nobody’s blaming anyone. We’re supposed to just be observing, not fighting with each other.
Teri: I wouldn’t be fighting with you if you weren’t being condescending.
Clarence: I’m an angel. For that reason I will resist the urge to say anything mean right now. Now, let’s take a trip to 1987.
Teri: Nothing interesting happened then.
Clarence: Well…
Teri: Why is my mom packing up the car?
Clarence: Teri, just watch.
Teri: Fine, Clarence.
Betty: Cindy, Ralph, get in the car. It’s time to go home.
Cindy: I don’t want to go home!
Betty: Cindy, I know you like going to see your dad. But it’s been two weeks, we have to get home.
Ralph: Why can’t things be like they used to be?
Betty: Sometimes people drift apart. That’s what happened to me and your father. It’s been a year since we’ve lived in New Jersey and I know you miss him but this is for the best. None of us would want for us to all be living together again if that meant we were always fighting.
Teri: Wait, mom moved to New Jersey? No way.
Clarence: Her job moved there, and she went with it. Your dad begged her not to take the kids, but she took them anyway. They drive five and a half hours every few weeks. Your mom stays with your grandparents over the weekend so she doesn’t have to do eleven hours of driving in one day, and she heads back to New Jersey on Sunday. The kids will stay in Virginia for two weeks, then she comes back down and they go up to New Jersey.
Teri: How does the work with school? Surely it has to be a disaster.
Clarence: Home schooling.
Teri: But if they’re both working, how does that work?
Clarence: Can you stop asking questions for just a minute?
Teri: Fine.
Clarence: It’s time to make an even further leap, to 1997.
Teri: 1997? Please don’t show my hair, Angel, it was terrible back then. I was going through a phase.
Clarence: Teri, you were never born.
Teri: Oh, that’s right. That’s just my first reaction whenever anyone says 1997. Trust me, my hair was really bad.
Clarence: I’ve seen it, and I agree.
Teri: You’re supposed to be an angel, you’re only supposed to be nice!
Clarence: Who told you that?
Teri: You did.
Clarence: No, I said I wouldn’t say anything mean. Not that I couldn’t agree with your assessment of your hair. Anyway, let’s pay attention to what’s going on. So you don’t ask another question, I’ll set the scene. It’s the holiday party that Velma and Mitchell met after. The one -
Teri: Where I got arrested for underage drinking! I forced Mitchell and his friend Paul to take me with them, and then the old lady that lived next door to the kid throwing the party called the cops on us and we all went to jail! And then Velma and Mitchell fell in love. So romantic.
Clarence: Exactly! Now watch.
Mitchell: Paul, I think I’m going home. My stomach isn’t feeling well, I don’t think I should’ve drank that beer.
Teri: Aww, he’s still faking nausea even when I don’t exist.
Paul: Come on Mitchell, it’s only 9:30. We haven’t even been here an hour, just stick around for a little while. I heard some of the girls from the Swann School are coming!
Mitchell: I don’t even know any of them, you’re gonna need to do better than that to make me stick around.
Paul: I drove.
Mitchell: Yeah, my car.
Paul: Crap.
Mitchell: So, I guess I’m gonna get going. Call me when you’re ready to come home, I’ll come pick you up.
Paul: No worries, I’ll get a ride. Just go home and rest if your stomach feels that bad.
Mitchell: Alright, thanks. See you later.
Paul: Bye Mitch.
Teri: So what you’re trying to show me here is that because I didn’t delay Mitchell and Paul by having to pick me up, they got there too early. Then Mitchell got all scared to be at a party he didn’t think he was cool enough to be at, so he pretended to use that single beer he drank as an excuse to leave. So therefore, he didn’t meet Velma and they didn’t get together.
Clarence: Pretty much. But let’s just watch it all play out. I’ll skip ahead about two hours to the interesting part.
Teri: Oh my god! Velma, what are you doing?
Clarence: She’s kissing Paul. By this point, you had already turned up the music so loud that the neighbor called the cops and Velma and Mitchell got to know each other in the jail holding cell. Since you and Mitchell weren’t there, she formed a connection with Paul.
Teri: I have so much impact.
Clarence: How about we jump forward three years to 2000?
Teri: You’re the one in charge.
Clarence: Before you ask, we’re at the hospital on the day that your sister Cindy is about to give birth to her first child.
Teri: I’m assuming where you’re going with this one is that Tammi and Zeke never existed because Cindy didn’t meet Jerry because she lived in Jersey and she never became a teen mom.
Clarence: Yes, that’s what I’m trying to show you.
Teri: But does this also mean that Frank never becomes a part of the family?
Clarence: Yes, Cindy only had sons.
Teri: You must be crazy if you think that I see this as a negative in any way.
Clarence: Cindy did marry someone I’m sure you’ll hate even more than you hate Frank.
Teri: That is literally impossible.
Clarence: She’s married to Dan Brent, the congressman.
Teri: Former congressman.
Clarence: Not if you weren’t born.
Teri: How did me not being born change Dan Brent’s electoral fate?
Clarence: Your mother was one of Alicia Spanheim’s most enthusiastic supporters and volunteers. Since she didn’t move back to Virginia when Cindy did, she never volunteered for the Spanheim campaign, never gave Alicia the debate advice, and Dan Brent was re-elected.
Teri: This is extremely far-fetched.
Clarence: I’m an angel, you should probably believe me.
Teri: So you’re telling me that Cindy is married to current congressman Dan Brent, never had Tammi and Zeke, moved away from mom, and this is all because of me?
Clarence: Yes.
Teri: Alright, I’m done with Cindy. Show me Ralph.
Clarence: I wish I could.
Teri: What the hell’s that supposed to mean?
Clarence: To explain that, we’re going to have to backtrack.
Teri: Guess you made a mistake. Got you, angel.
Clarence: Alright, it’s Christmas Eve, 1998. Ralph is driving back from Virginia to spend Christmas with your mom.
Teri: What is he doing? Why is his car going off the road.
Clarence: Along the way, he started to fall asleep behind the wheel. It’s late, it’s dark. His eyes shut for a brief second. He drifts off the road, and runs into a traffic light. He doesn’t make it.
Teri: Oh my god. Poor Ralph. Why was he driving? We doesn’t drive.
Clarence: He had to learn if he ever wanted to see both of his parents.
Teri: You have to be showing me the worst case scenario in every situation. There’s no way that me not being born had a unanimously negative result.
Clarence: It did. You are a good person, one that’s responsible for a lot of good things happening. But just to convince you more, how about a look at Danielle’s life.
Teri: Let me guess, she fell off a cliff on that trip we took to Utah?
Clarence: Actually, yes.
Teri: Seriously?
Clarence: No! She probably turned out the best out of all of them. She ended up moving back to Bensonhurst in 2002.
Teri: She always used to say she was going to.
Clarence: Except without you there to beg her not to leave, she actually did it. Since she moved in with her mom, her and her sister started driving each other crazy and they became estranged. They’re great together in small doses, but for too long, they run each other up the wall.
Teri: So I tore another family apart. Great.
Clarence: Technically it was the lack of you doing that, not you. You kept them together.
Teri: I guess I did.
Clarence: There’s one more thing I’d like to show you.
Teri: Man, you take forever to make a point.
Clarence: Thank you.
Teri: That wasn’t really a compliment, ole’ Clarence.
Clarence: Welcome to Christmas 2019. Two weeks into the future. At your dad’s house in Lakey. He’s arguing with Dan, while Cindy sits awkwardly in the corner. Their kids are out in the kitchen making Christmas cookies with your dad’s wife, Karen.
Teri: Karen?
Clarence: Karen.
Cindy: Hey Dan, are the rumors true?
Dan: What rumors?
Cindy: Oh come on, you know.
Dan: No, I don’t. What are you talking about?
Cindy: I know you’re cheating on me.
Dan: No I’m not!
Cindy: I saw your texts, Dan. I don’t know who Shari is but I sure hope you have a nice life with her. Now get out of my father’s house.
Dan: Cindy, let me explain.
Cindy: Let me explain something. We’re getting divorced, I’m taking you for all you’re worth, and I’m going to run for Congress against you. Because I want to take everything you love away from you.
Dan: You’re acting crazy.
Cindy: I’m not crazy, you’re crazy. For pissing me off. When has that ever went well for anyone else?
Dan: I’m going to leave now.
Ralphie (Dan’s son): What’s going on, mom?
Cindy: Get in the kitchen, Ralphie. You don’t need to hear this.
Ralphie: We heard it all, the door was open.
Cindy: Dammit Karen!
Karl: Dan, you should leave now. Happy holidays!
Teri: Wow, that unraveled quickly.
Clarence: Sure did.
Teri: So Christmas still sucks even without me, what a shock.
Clarence: The point is that without you, your family is miserable. Now, let’s go somewhere else.
Teri: Where to?
Clarence: Your mom’s house. Take a look.
Teri: There’s no way she isn’t celebrating Christmas.
Clarence: Well, she’s not. Not anymore. Cindy and her family haven’t been to see her for Christmas in ten years. Your grandma passed away five years ago, and your grandfather ten years ago.
Teri: At least that didn’t change.
Clarence: No, you didn’t have any impact on their lifespans. But…
Teri: Back to mom, please.
Clarence: Oh, right. Your uncles both passed away many years ago. Your aunt Cheryl is on tour for the holidays. Your mom didn’t have any reason to celebrate the holidays this year. Her favorite time of year, and she didn’t even bother decorating. She knew she’d be the only one to see them.
Teri: What about Mitchell? Is he not visiting her?
Clarence: He’s spending the holiday with his wife’s family, in North Carolina.
Teri: Man, I really messed everything up, didn’t I? I never should’ve wished that I was never born.
Clarence: You shouldn’t have. But things can all go back to the way they were before.
Teri: How? Tell me how, Clarence!
Clarence: Just say that you wish you were born.
Teri: Alright. But wait, you didn’t show me anything about Carlene. What happened to her?
Clarence: You didn’t really have much of an impact on her yet. The only difference is that her and Betty never would have met. That’s all.
Teri: I figured as much. Guess you can influence everyone you meet. Alright, I want to go back now. I wish I was born.
Teri is back in her bedroom, where it is now morning. She immediately runs down the stairs.
Teri: Guys! You’re all here!
Betty: Of course we’re all here.
Teri: Mom! You and dad are still married!
Karl: Of course we are! She may be crazy but I still love her.
Teri: And mom doesn’t live in Jersey!
Betty: Jersey? Why the hell would I live there?
Teri: Velma, where’s Mitchell?
Velma: I don’t know, he hasn’t been home since I woke up.
Teri: Oh no, everything’s not the same! Darn you Clarence!
Velma: Huh?
Teri: Ralph, I’m so happy you’re still alive! And still not driving, I suppose.
Ralph: Of course I’m not driving. When have I ever?
Teri: Jerry, I have never been so happy to see you!
Jerry: Thank you?
Teri: I’m even happy to see you, Frank!
Frank spits out his coffee.
Frank: WHAT?
Teri: Tammi, Zeke, Steven, I’m even more excited to see you.
Frank: Aww man.
Teri: Danielle, call your sister.
Danielle: Okay? Will do, Teri.
Carlene: Any weird comment for me, Teri?
Teri: Nah.
Betty: Teri, why are you acting so strange?
Teri: I’m just really happy.
Betty: I’m glad you are. I’m still upset about your grandma’s ceramic snowman.
Teri: I did the dumbest thing. I wished that I was never born. And then this angel was there, and he showed me what life would be like if I wasn’t born. It was terrible! Ralph was dead, and you and dad were divorced, and Cindy married Dan Brent, and Velma got together with Mitch’s friend Paul, and Danielle. went back to New York and became estranged from her sister, and so many things were just different. It was a nightmare.
Betty: Teri… you were only dreaming. You inserted yourself into the plot of It’s a Wonderful Life.
Teri: Oh my god, you’re right! How didn’t I realize that? The angel was even named Clarence!
Just then, Mitchell storms into the house.
Teri: Mitchell! Give me a hug!
Mitchell: You want to give me a hug? You wanted to kill me last night!
Teri: None of that matters! Cherish every moment, no time to be angry.
Betty: Unless your mother’s antique ceramic snowman was broken, then you get to be angry.
Mitchell: About that. I’ve been outside all day fixing that snowman. It doesn’t look quite as perfect as it used to but I fixed it pretty well. And Cindy, I finished putting the Christmas lights up. I’m sorry for the way I acted yesterday.
Teri: Look at me bringing this family together. I’m so needed.
Cindy: Thank you, Mitchell.
Betty: Yes, thank you. I really appreciate it that you used yesterday as a learning opportunity.
Teri: Alright guys, I think the only answer to all this goodness happening is to watch a Christmas movie together!
Betty: It’s A Wonderful Life?
Teri: I’ll pass on that one. How about Elf?
What did you think of tonight's episode? Make sure to comment your thoughts below and make sure to read the show when it returns in early 2020!
