Bake Your Heart Out Season 1, Episode 2
We're Number One!
Leslie returns to the set of Bake Your Heart Out after a meeting with Paul.
Leslie: Guys, I just talked to Paul and I have some exciting news for us!
Sam: We’re canceled? Thank god, I can finally devote my time to my line of affordable wines.
Leslie: No Sam, we aren’t canceled.
Diane: Did they change the fall schedule to put a more worthy show than Freddy & William behind us?
Leslie: No, the show that The New York Times called “almost a comedy” will keep our lead-in for another season.
Garry: Do we get to re-shoot our promos? No news would be better than being assured that no one would ever see us in overalls and plaid.
Leslie: That’s not it either, and I think it’s time for you guys to stop guessing so I can just tell you my news.
Frances: I agree, we cl-
Leslie: So, Paul just told me that LBC is canceling Chauncey Manor.
Diane: What? No! That’s my favorite show!
Leslie: Yeah, it’s a lot of people’s favorite show. That’s why it’s the #1 show on all of television. No longer!
Diane (fighting back tears): Why- why did they cancel it?
Leslie: Valerie Pratt, who starred in it, created it and wrote it, tweeted something extremely racist today. She then followed that up with something anti-semitic. Then she threatened to kill the Governor of California.
Sam: What did she say?
Leslie: Legally I can not say that while at work. He could have me fired for just repeating it.
Diane: Oh, that is not good.
Leslie: It is for us! Since our competition is out, we are now the #1 show on all of television!
Sam: I don’t see the news of it getting canceled anywhere. How does Paul know?
Leslie: He has a source at LBC. Paul and the other network heads have been talking to each other about it all day. It’s going public in fifteen minutes.
Frances: What is Chauncey Manor? I mostly prefer cinema to television so I don’t watch many of the programs.
Sam: Speak English, Frances.
Frances: I like movies more than TV so I don’t watch most shows.
Diane: Chauncey Manor is, or was, a gripping historical drama about a family in Rhode Island at the turn of the 19th century.
Sam: Gripping isn’t the word I’d use but the rest of it is accurate.
Frances: That sounds like something I’d have actually watched. Too bad it got canceled.
Leslie: No, this is very exciting news, guys! Be happier!
Garry: Hundreds of people are out of work.
Leslie: But we are number one!
Garry: Are you that petty Leslie?
Leslie: Yes, we all are. We are the most selfish group of people I’ve ever seen.
Frances: Hey! I’ve been nothing but kind my entire life.
Leslie: Frances…
Frances: What?
Leslie: You’re just like the rest of us. Maybe even worse because you act like you’re better than us.
Frances: That is not fair.
Leslie: It is, but I’m moving away from my point and the bakers are going to be here in a few minutes. There’s more exciting news: Paul is so excited that the network is finally home to the #1 show on all of TV, the network has ordered a documentary about our show!
Sam: Who the hell would want to watch that?
Leslie: Fifteen million people, give or take.
Sam: There’s that many people out there that watch this?
Leslie: More than that, I just figure some of them aren’t going to care about a documentary. But at least 80% of them will, I’m sure.
Sam: Wow. No wonder America elected a reality host as president. They don’t have any taste!
Leslie: Our show has won 15 Emmys, including 5 for Outstanding Competition Series!
Garry: And don’t say that about our president, we used to co-host a show together!
Sam: Oh yes, I forgot that Tom Neuberg hosted a flop reality show on the Baking Network for that one season with his bestie Garry.
Garry: I didn’t say we were best friends, but I know the president and that’s cool!
Frances: He even tweeted about our show before!
Sam: Yes, because we were airing as the lead-in for his show Ballroom Celebrities.
Leslie: Guys, we are getting off track again!
Clement: Hello everybody!
Sam: Clement! What are you doing here?
Leslie: I called him in.
Sam: Leslie, can we talk?
Leslie: Sure.
Sam: The rest of you should also come.
The group goes to talk in Sam’s dressing room.
Sam: What the hell is Clement doing back? He couldn’t bake to save his life!
Leslie: Paul thinks he’s going to be an audience favorite, so he’s been b-
Sam: WHAT?!?!
Frances: Leslie, that really isn’t fair. We eliminated him for a reason.
Leslie: Guys, you’re jumping to conclusions. He is not coming back. My god, I ate his eclair and almost had to go to the hospital from inhaling all that ash. But Paul and I both agreed that he would be a good interviewee for the documentary, along with the rest of the competitors that were kicked off the show first. We just brought him here before he flies back to Minnesota in two days.
Diane: I’m usually a very nice person -
Sam: No you’re not.
Frances: Sam, she is in mourning! Family Matters got canceled today!
Sam: It’s Chauncey Manor.
Frances: Yeah, that.
Diane: As I was saying, I’m usually nice, but Clement’s eclair was truly inexcusable. So I’m glad he’s just being interviewed.
Leslie: Thank you for being sane, Diane. Everyone here just likes to jump to conclusions.
Diane: See, Sam. I’m sane.
Sam: Are you really going to take Leslie’s word for it? She -
Leslie: Are you really going to finish that sentence? I am your boss.
Sam: My lips are sealed.
Leslie: Alright. Now, can we stop holding up filming now on this fine Tuesday morning?
Garry: Isn’t Clement being interviewed right now?
Leslie: That is separate from the show. The bakers are down there waiting for us.
Frances: Then let’s go!
The group heads to the baking cabin for filming.
Diane: Hello bakers!
Sam: It’s a fine morning on our second week of competition. Which means only one thing.
Diane: It’s cookie week!
Sam: Since our show began five years ago, cookie week has always been our week two challenge.
Diane: And this season, for this very special fifth season, cookie week is tougher than ever.
Sam: For today’s Judges Challenge, you will be making a dozen pirouette cookies.
Diane: Yes, those are those cookies you get in a can. Trust me though, there is nothing canned about what you will be making.
Sam: That’s right. Every element, from the cookies themselves to the filling inside, must be made right here, by hand. Nothing can be pre-made.
Leslie (in Sam & Diane’s earpiece): Make a joke about them resembling cigars!
Sam: I like to say that these cookies remind me of cigars. It’s quite fitting, actually, because if you mess them up today, your chances of winning will be up in smoke!
Leslie (in Sam & Diane’s earpiece): Nailed it!
Sam: You have seventy-five minutes to prepare a dozen perfect pirouette cookies.
Diane: You can use whatever you want as your filling. Anything at all. As long as it’s available in the Bake Your Heart Out kitchen, that is.
Sam: Get ready, bakers!
Diane: It’s time to bake your heart out!
After thirty minutes of chatting with the bakers, Sam and Diane walk out of the baking cabin and talk with the rest of the group.
Sam: So, I was thinking. I know I act like it’s not a big deal, but it’s great that we’re the #1 show on TV. We need to celebrate
Frances: Not another party. I think I sand about wanting to have sex with Garry at the last one.
Diane: You did, and it was terrible. You will never be turning any chairs on The Voice.
Frances: I couldn’t compete on The Voice, that’s on a rival network.
Diane: That was a joke, Frances!
Frances: Oh!
Diane: Up too late last night petting Mr. Snuggly?
Frances: We were watching a beautiful romance movie last night and it was a little long so I was up later than usual.
Sam: Titanic?
Frances: No, The Shape of Water.
Sam: Isn’t that the one where -
Diane: Yep.
Sam: My god.
Frances: It’s an Oscar winner!
Sam: But should it be?
Frances: Yes! It was equal parts touching and thrilling and -
Sam: Frances, I do not care.
Leslie: Why can we never stay on topic? It’s like we’re allergic to focusing on one issue at a time.
Diane: It’s one of our only bad qualities.
Leslie: So, you were saying about a celebration, Sam.
Sam: We should go out for drinks on the town.
Diane: You paid for the party last time, so I’ll pay for the drinks this time.
Sam: They aren’t really equal expenses but I thank you for the generous offer.
Garry: I really should stay home with Carly, she’s pregnant and I don’t think it’d be right to leave her home alone while I go and drink.
Sam: Wait a second. You’re going to become a father and you didn’t even tell us about it?
Garry: We were trying to wait because we wanted to make sure the baby was healthy before we went and told people about it.
Sam: Congratulations!
Diane: What are you naming it?
Garry: It’s a little early for that. I’ll let you know when we know.
Frances: Can I be the godmother?
Garry: I can’t make any promises.
Frances: Why not?
Garry: Because I have four female best friends and only one will get to be the godmother.
Sam: If you come out for drinks tonight, you can take me out of the running.
Garry: Alright, I’ll come. You making this decision any easier at all for me is enough reward.
Leslie: I hate to break up this party, but it’s time for you guys to go do your jobs.
Frances: We’ve been talking about this for forty-five minutes?
Leslie: Yep! Time flies when we’re having fun!
Two hours later…
Sam: Bakers, it’s time for the final challenge of cookie week!
Diane: This sure has been a great cookie week. We’ve had so much fun, we don’t even know where the time has gone.
Sam: This third challenge of the week is the grandest of the day.
Diane: I’d even say it’s the grandest cookie week challenge we’ve ever done.
Sam: You need to prepare one type of cookie that reminds you of your childhood.
Diane: And no chocolate chip allowed! That’s too easy!
Sam: Everything else is on the table. The judges want six dozen made, all the same size.
Diane: Why so many you ask? That’s because you will be making a cookie tower, wedding cake style. A cookie tower that will be used not just to feed the judges, but to feed your own families.
Sam: That’s right, your families have all flown out here to share this special moment with you, because what reminds you more of your family than baking cookies?
Diane: Plating and presentation count more than ever for this challenge, so be careful.
Sam: Good luck, bakers!
Diane: It’s time to bake your heart out!
Sam and Diane walk around to ask each baker what they’re making.
Diane: Veronica! Where’s Betty?
Veronica: Who’s that?
Diane: It was a joke, dear. A reference to Riverdale, which my producer informs me is a show the kiddos enjoy very much.
Veronica: Oh.
Diane: So, what are you making for us today?
Sam moves on to another baker while Diane chats with Veronica
Sam (in a terrible southern accent): Hello Raleigh!
Raleigh: Hello Sam! Is that your attempt at a southern accent?
Sam: Why yes it is.
Raleigh: Despite my name, I am not from North Carolina, actually. I’m from Maine.
Sam: Ooh, you must know Stephen King then!
Raleigh: No, we do not all know each other, even though my town is very close-knit.
Sam: What are you making today?
Raleigh: Because of my deep Maine roots, I'm making a blueberry and maple pancake cookie.
Sam: Sounds delicious! Thanks, Raleigh.
Sam and Diane both talk to another baker.
Diane: Hailee! You were last week’s Top Baker! Does that add any pressure?
Hailee: It certainly does, but I’m here to show the judges the best that I’ve got no matter what so that’s what I intend to do.
Sam: So what are you making for us today?
Hailee: I’ll be making a honey-glazed walnut spice cookie.
Diane: Is the honey a reference to the fact that you were in the movie Bumblebee when you were a child?
Hailee: Not quite. My grandmother was a beekeeper and I would visit her house all the time as a child, so it’s a nod to that.
Diane: Why do our attempts to be hip and cool keep going over everyone’s heads?
Sam: Raleigh got my joke, so maybe it’s just you, Diane. Guess I’m funnier.
Diane: We’ll see about that.
Diane heads to another baker’s station.
Diane: Hi Clarissa. what are you making for us today?
Sam: Explain it all!
Diane: See critics, we’ll pander to viewers in every age demographic, not just millennials!
Clarissa: I’m making butter cookies filled with various flavors of jam and marmalade.
Diane: How does that tie into your childhood, dear?
Clarissa: My family used to always take vacations to the mountains of North Carolina when I was a child, and we would always buy freshly-made bottles of jam from the locals, and that’s inspiring my cookies today.
Sam: So you’re the contestant with the strongest ties to North Carolina, not Raleigh?
Diane: That’s a twist!
Sam: Speaking of twist, why isn’t anyone making Oreos today?
Diane: Maybe because that’s a trademarked brand and we can’t make them!
Sam: Oh, that might be it!
One hour later, the judges begin to taste the contestants’ cookies…
Frances: We’ll go in alphabetical order today, so Andrea please come on up.
Garry: What have you made for us today?
Andrea: I’ve made you some watermelon-shaped sugar cookies with a hint of watermelon extracts, inspired by my childhood summers back home in Florida.
Frances: That is quite a flavor.
Andrea: You don’t like it?
Frances: It would have been better with actual watermelon instead of extract.
Garry: And the dough appears to have been over-mixed. It’s all a bit of a mess.
Andrea: Oh no, I’m so sorry.
Diane: It’s still better than anything Sam could make!
Sam: That’s true!
Frances: Up next is Bud!
Sam: Come on Air Bud! You’re gonna get that three-pointer!
Bud: I’ve made a peach cobbler cookie for you today. Growing up in Georgia, my mom made peach cobblers all the time and it was the first thing I thought of today.
Frances: It’s delicious, Bud. It’s perfectly baked and the chunks of fresh peach just elevate it.
Garry: Last week wasn’t your best week, but you’ve really redeemed yourself this time. Great job.
Bud: Thank you so much!
Thirty minutes later, Sam and Diane deliver the weekly results to the contestants.
Sam: We’re going to start with the good news!
Diane: The top three of the week are…
Sam: Bud
Diane: Hailee
Sam: And Patrick! Please step forward.
Diane: Bud, the judges loved your Georgia-inspired peach cobbler cookies almost as much as they loved your work in Air Bud.
Sam: Hailee, the judges didn’t know they were starving until they tasted your honey-glazed spice cookies.
Diane: But Patrick, you took the cake this week with your peanut butter fudge cake-inspired cookies. You’re this week’s Top Baker!
Patrick: Thank you!
Sam: And now for the bad news.
Diane: Charles and the truly unbreakable Kimmy, you both created some of the weaker dishes of the week, but the judges did not put either of you in the bottom two.
Sam: DiDi and Andrea, unfortunately, you are the bottom two for the week.
Diane: Andrea, we’re pretty sure you’re a character from 90210, but your over-mixed watermelon sugar cookies just had the judges saying “oh no.”
Sam: DiDi, your lemon meringue cookies didn’t taste anything like the real thing and left the judges wanting more.
Diane: Since I had to deliver the unfortunate news last week, Sam gets that honor this week.
Sam: I’m sorry, it’s the end of the line for you, Andrea.
Diane: Thank you for baking your heart out with us Andrea.
Sam: A round of applause for her, everybody!
Diane: Next week on Bake Your Heart Out, a tour of Italy!
Leslie: Cut! Another great show everybody!
Sam: Leslie, why do you make us say all of those cringe-inducing lines?
Leslie: Like what?
Diane: The million and one cultural references to things we don’t even know.
Leslie: It’s charming.
Sam: It’s not.
Leslie: We’ve been doing this for years, the viewers like it.
Sam: It just feels really grating this time around. Some of our jokes are real stretches.
Leslie: I’ll try to get better joke writers.
Sam: That’s all I ask for.
Diane: Anyway, where do you guys want to go to celebrate tonight?
Sam: How about the 8th Street Bar in LA?
Garry: Not all of us are fortunate to live in Los Angeles, Sam.
Sam: You live in Malibu, Garry!
Leslie: Let’s let Diane pick. It is her money after all.
Diane: I just want to go somewhere on the beach. I miss the beach.
Leslie: Don’t you live in Santa Monica?
Diane: Yes, but I never get to go to the beach.
Sam: Diane, you have a perfect view of the beach. It’s the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen.
Diane: It really is. That settles it, we’re going to the beach-side bar down the road from my house, The Seashell. Let’s meet at 7.
Sam: I really wanted to go to one of those swanky LA bars I never get a chance to go to.
Frances: Don’t whine Sam, you’re only like twenty minutes away. I live in Santa Monica, I’m like forty minutes away on a good day.
Leslie: I’m an even farther drive. And no, I’m not telling you guys where I live.
Frances: I’m sorry I posted your address on Facebook! It was an accident, I swear!
Leslie: I’m still not telling. But I’ll be there at 7.
Diane: See you all then!
That night, at The Seashell.
Diane: Finally! I can’t believe it took you so long to get here!
Sam: I am so sorry.
Leslie: You’re the closest of all of us and the last here. Where were you?
Sam: I have a very good excuse.
Leslie: How about we hear it.
Sam: I was on the phone.
Leslie: Seriously, Sam? You always act like you don’t care about this friendship and I try to brush it off but then you act as if a phone call is more important than us and I just can’t brush it off anymore. It’s insulting.
Sam: I was talking to my wife.
Leslie: Oh.
Sam: She heard about Bake Your Heart Out being the #1 show in America and wanted to congratulate us. She also told me that Valerie Pratt was arrested today for threats against the governor, so that’s cool.
Leslie: You were thirty minutes late because of that?
Sam: Well, I pulled over to talk to her and when I tried to drive back out onto the road, a speeding car hit me.
Diane: Oh my god! Are you okay?
Sam: I’m fine. I got his name and insurance information and my car wasn’t that damaged, it’s fine. But that took up a lot of time.
Leslie: You actually got here kinda quick then.
Sam: I know! It’s because I care so much about this friendship.
Leslie: I’m sorry I said what I said.
Frances: Can we just go get drunk on the beach?
Diane: My thoughts exactly, Frances!
The group heads into The Seashell.
Frances: Hostess! Table for five, please.
Leslie: Why are you getting a table? Aren’t we going out to the beach for some sunset drinking?
Frances: Scratch that, then.
Diane: Isn’t this nice, guys? We get to get trashed like classy people do. At the beast as the sun sets!
Frances: We get drunk a lot.
Garry: I can’t get drunk tonight. Carly’s mad enough that I’m spending the night at the bar.
Sam: She needs to calm down.
Leslie: Alright, Taylor Swift.
Sam: Oh my god, you were the one that wrote all of those awful puns about the contestants. No wonder you took such offense.
Leslie: I spent a lot of time on those and they were very funny!
Diane: Everyone stop arguing! We’ve done a great thing and we need to be happy about it and celebrate.
Leslie: You’re right. Let’s all just be peaceful and serene tonight.
Diane: It’s time for a toast.
Sam: You sure like making those.
Diane: To us! We all made magic with this show and we need to be proud of it. To many more years at #1!
Garry: And especially to Leslie to creating the whole thing and hiring us all!
Sam: And to Valerie Pratt for being a racist idiot that got her show canceled!
Leslie: And to whoever made this mudslide because it’s delicious!
Frances: And to, uh, I don’t know!
Sam: To Mr. Snuggles!
Diane: Let’s keep this dream team together for many, many more years!
Leslie: Aww, I love you guys.
Sam: I know.
What did you think of this week's Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return next Monday for the next episode!
