Our House Season 1, Episode 12
Our Wells Beach House, Part 1
Betty: So everyone, are you excited for our trip on Friday?
Teri: Getting trapped for ten hours in an RV with my entire family and Frank? Never been less excited for anything in my life!
Betty: But we’re going to Wells! You used to love going there as a little girl!
Teri: I know, I’m excited to be there. Just not excited to be stuck in a tin can with my family in order to get there.
Betty: It won’t be bad. Heck, we already live in the same house as one another. How will this be any different?
Teri: But we aren’t all so close here. It’s a huge house, we can walk away from someone if they really annoy us. Not in an RV!
Karl: It’s only ten hours. Plus, nobody will dare to make a scene when I’m driving.
Teri: I guess. I’m just so glad you’re driving. I remember when mom used to drive us up in the station wagon when we were kids. That was… a unique experience.
Karl: No worries, that’s not happening this time.
Velma: I’m just excited to finally go to Wells. I keep hearing about it and seeing your pictures of it on Facebook, and now I finally can see it for myself.
Teri: I know you Velma. You’re on Facebook so often that you probably have fonder memories of Mom and Dad’s last trip to Maine than they do.
Velma: That is not true. I only go on during my lunch break at work.
Teri: Bull! We live together now, I know when you’re on lunch break. And you’re on Facebook way longer than that.
Cindy: Well I’m excited. I finally get off of work, and so does Jerry.
Teri: I know, feuding with the HOA is a great full-time job!
Cindy: You know I work hard.
Teri: I know. I still can’t believe the school let you take off for two whole weeks to go on vacation!
Cindy: I’m the principal, what are they gonna do? Fire me?
Teri: Maybe.
Jerry: They’ll never fire her. She’s too good at… whatever an elementary school principal actually does.
Teri: I really can’t believe that the Army let you take two weeks off. I mean, principals don’t do much -
Cindy: Hey!
Teri: But you guys are like actually doing things.
Jerry: They cheered when I told them I needed the time off. They’ve been telling me for about a decade that I need a vacation and I’ve taken a collective two weeks off since then. So, they were more than happy to see me finally go somewhere.
Teri: Yeah, that’s not why they were happy for you to take off. They were just happy to get a break!
Jerry: What’s that supposed to mean?
Teri: You’re a lot, Jerry.
Jerry: A lot of what?
Teri: Just… a lot.
Jerry: Alright, thanks for the great explanation.
Betty: Is anyone packed and ready to go? I’m going to pick up the RV in ten minutes, so bring your bags down to the living room by the time I’m home. It’s always best to get everything early ready instead of late.
Velma: As you may know, I am always packed early. I’ll get it to the living room by the time you’re back.
Betty: I can’t believe we’re going in two days and you and I are the only two that are ready.
Teri: That’s because the rest of us all have lives outside the house. Velma works from home and you’re a retiree who spends all day watching CNN. You see Erin Burnett more than you see any of us.
Betty: That’s not true and you know it.
Teri: Well, you see more of her than you see Frank, at least.
Betty: Yeah, but he’s Frank.
Frank: Hey!
Teri: Come on Frank. You’re from New Jersey, that makes you automatically the worst of any of us.
Tammi: I’m married to him and even I can’t really argue with that.
Teri: See, Frank! Even your wife agrees, We make fun of you because you deserve it, not because we’re mean.
Frank: Didn’t you guys just go on a four day trip to New Jersey.
Teri: That was different.
Frank: How so?
Teri: Because we only went on that trip so we could see Christine McVie and Stevie Nicks.
Frank: Seeing Fleetwood Mac required a four-day stay.
Teri: We were in Atlantic City, we obviously needed to gamble. I’m addicted to Blackjack. It’s a real problem, Frank!
Frank: So all you did there was see a concert and gamble for four days.
Teri: Yes.
Betty: That’s not true! We went to the beach and walked on the boardwalk in Ocean City and got orange twist ice cream.
Tammi: You wouldn’t even come to Ocean City when I got married there, Teri!
Teri: Oh, so I’m just Teri now?
Tammi: Don’t deflect.
Teri: Alright, fine. I just didn’t want to go because I didn’t like Frank, not because I’m allergic to New Jersey. But now I like him and I regret not going.
Velma: You’re lucky you didn’t come, Teri. Your parents and I all stayed in the same hotel together and I would barely even consider it a hotel. It was more like hell on earth.
Teri: See Tammi, I made the right decision. I didn't have to sleep in a hotel that probably had roaches and bedbugs, and your wedding still went on just the same.
Tammi: That’s touching. Now if you excuse me, I should go finish packing. Should I take my bathing suit with.
Teri: It’s April and we’re going to Maine. I’ll let you make that decision for yourself.
Tammi: Yeah, the bathing suit will remain here.
Teri: Good choice.
Friday morning…
Karl: Betty…
Betty: Karl, you sound terrible!
Karl: I’m not going.
Betty: What? No!
Karl: I haven’t been feeling well for a few days and it’s so much worse today. I have a fever and I can barely talk. I think I have the flu. You guys need to just go without me and I need to get back to sleep.
Betty: I don’t remember how to drive there. I need you!
Karl: Use the GPS. It’ll get you there.
Betty: Alright. But it won’t be the same without you. I will miss you.
Karl: I’ll miss you, too. Now go have fun with the family. I’ll be here when you get back.
Betty: Well, then I’m gonna go get ready. You get some rest.
Two hours later…
Betty (singing): Voulez-vouz!
Teri: Mom, are you going to sing along to ABBA the entire way to Maine?
Betty: Your father never lets me do it in the car because it distracts him. So I will enjoy my singing privileges while I have them.
Teri: You’re driving! How do you not find it distracting?
Betty: ABBA calms me.
Teri: Well it’s making my blood pressure fly through the roof. Can they not calm you without you needing to sing along?
Betty: Nope. Sorry.
Teri: Oh mom. Cindy, how are you not flipping out right now?
Cindy doesn’t respond.
Teri: Cindy!!!
Teri notices earbuds in Cindy’s ears and rips them out.
Cindy: What was that for?
Teri: If I have to listen to our mother cover ABBA’s entire discography, then you do too.
Cindy: Won’t she stop?
Teri: Nope.
Cindy: Just start singing along. She'd rather not sing than have to share the spotlight.
Betty (singing): I had a dream, a song to sing!
Frank: Hey Teri, does your mother know that its actually called “I HAVE a Dream?”
Teri: Are you proud of yourself Frank? Making puns during a crisis like this, how dare you?
Frank: I thought it was funny.
Teri: Of course you did, you’re from New Jersey! The entire state is a damn joke!
Tammi: Wow Aunt Teri, you’re in a cranky mood.
Teri: If you had to listen to her struggle to sing along to Waterloo in two different languages, including the one she actually speaks, you would be cranky, too. But you are protected by those blessed earbuds that I somehow forgot to pack.
Velma: I would just like add that I have been listening to the whole thing, and it brought me joy to hear someone sing so enthusiastically for three whole hours.
Teri: Shut up Velma.
Betty: Hey guys, we’re stuck in traffic right now in DC and it looks pretty bad. It looks like the trip’s gonna take an hour longer than we expected.
Teri: Does anyone have a bat or a crowbar or anything heavy? I’m going to smash the window and escape.
Betty: Oh Teri, you always overreact. Just sit back and relax, we’ll be there soon enough.
Cindy: Here Teri, you can have these earbuds.
Teri: Where did these come from?
Cindy: I had an extra pair. They aren’t the best, but it’ll work.
Teri: You are a godsend.
Three hours later…
Betty: Great news guys, we’re in New Jersey!
Teri: How is that great news?
Frank: New Jersey is beautiful if you just give it a chance.
Teri: Is it?
Frank: Yes. It’s a great place to live, and a great place to raise a family.
Teri: Okay. Fine. I don’t actually hate New Jersey. It just seems like a popular place to dump on, and that’s why I do it.
Frank: That was very brave of you.
Teri: Thank you.
Cindy: Jerry, are you filming this?
Jerry: Of course.
Cindy: Good. We need her to never forget that this happened.
Betty: Hey Ralph, how are you? I haven’t heard anything from you today.
Danielle: He’s been sleeping the entire trip. So has Mitchell.
Betty: That’s adorable.
Danielle: Adorable?
Betty: Alright, maybe not adorable.
Danielle: Definitely not.
Betty: So, how many people are listening to me?
Danielle: I’d say about half of us. You giving up on singing really helped stop us from listening to stuff on our phones. It also gave plenty of people the opportunity to sleep.
Betty: Alright, so who’s excited to get to Wells? This place is so special to me and I’m just happy that I’m going to get the chance to share it with you all in just a few hours.
Danielle: I don’t know about the rest of these wackos, but I’m excited. For the last five years I just went on vacation to Colonial Williamsburg with my daughter and my son.
Betty: We only live an hour away from Williamsburg! That’s not a vacation!
Danielle: It was to me. I didn’t have anyone in my family willing to go farther than that and I wasn’t going to go alone.
Betty: Well now you have us!
Teri: And sometimes, you will certainly wish that you did not.
Danielle: Don’t kid yourselves. You guys are the truest family that I have.
Teri: Aww, poor baby. If you think this is good then you must have had it even rougher than I ever imagined
Cindy: Mom, I’m getting hungry! Can we stop somewhere?
Teri: There's food in the fridge. Mom, do not stop.
Betty: But there’s a sign for Popeye’s Chicken.
Teri: Mom!
Betty: I love that chicken from Popeye’s!
Teri: Please don’t drag this drive out any longer, I beg of you.
Betty: Oh fine. Cindy, there’s a Lean Cuisine in the freezer if you want it?
Cindy: Why is that in there?
Betty: I packed a dozen of them for us for dinner. But you can have it for lunch, since I also made spaghetti and mashed potatoes. And a green bean casserole!
Cindy: What is this, Thanksgiving? How long did you think we’d be in here?
Betty: I just wanted to make sure we’d have enough food for the whole ride. I also baked two strawberry rhubarb pies if anyone wants a slice later on for dessert. It’s your father’s favorite.
Three hours later…
Danielle: Hey Betty, why does it look so familiar outside? Are we in the right place?
Betty: Totally. We totally just drove over the George Washington Bridge. Didn’t you hear my panic attack?
Danielle: Are we in Brooklyn?
Betty: Absolutely not. We definitely did not just drive through Staten Island.
Danielle: Betty! How did we end up here?
Betty: Wrong turn. But it’s fine! We're going to end up in Maine soon enough.
Danielle: I grew up in Bensonhurst. I know this place like the back of my hand. Do you want me to drive us out of here?
Betty: Nah, I’m good!
Teri: Wait, we’re in New York? Quick, put my Taylor Swift CD in.
Tammi: Must we?
Teri: I want to hear Welcome To New York while we’re still in New York!
Betty: Put it in. But after that, ABBA is going back in.
Teri: Seriously, how many albums did they record? We’ve been listening to them for eight hours!
Betty: Well, I have the live album, the two greatest hits albums, the Spanish album…
Teri: That was a rhetorical question, I really don’t care.
Betty: I think we’re stuck in traffic again, so…
Teri: What else is new?
Betty: As I was saying, we’re stuck in traffic so who wants to chat about our trip? What is everyone most excited to see?
Teri: I’m most excited to not have to work for two whole weeks.
Danielle: I’m most excited for the sunset walks along the beach.
Cindy: I want to go see our friend Jeanne at that little gift shop.
Betty: Cindy, you haven’t been to Maine in almost twenty years.
Cindy: So?
Betty: Well uh, Jeanne. She retired.
Cindy: She did?
Betty: Cindy, she was 75 years old in 2000.
Cindy: I saw her every summer for twenty years. I can’t believe I’ll never see her again.
Betty: Cindy, people die sometimes.
Cindy: Die? You said she retied!
Betty: Welp. I lied.
Cindy: When did it happen?
Betty: Five years ago. It actually happened while we were there, we went to the funeral.
Cindy: Why didn’t you tell me?
Betty: I’m old. I forget things!
Cindy: Not an excuse. Did any of our other friends die without you telling me?
Betty: Well, there’s Meredith and Joe and Pat and Carly…
Cindy: Are you kidding me?
Betty: I’m just kidding! Well, Carly is pretty old so she might not have survived the past year. But the rest are probably fine! And just think, Mary is still alive and she’s still in the house next door!
Cindy: I miss her! She was always so nice.
Betty: I know, she was always my best friend from Maine.
Teri: Hey mom, why don’t you tell everyone that story about that time you met Barbara Bush.
Betty: Ooh boy, you guys are gonna love this!
Five hours later…
Betty: It looks like we’re only about three hours away now.
Teri: This feels like the never-ending trip.
Cindy: The traffic in Washington and our three hour excursion in Brooklyn sure didn’t help.
Steven: Mom, I really have to pee!
Tammi: You can go ahead.
Steven: Mitchell’s been in there for twenty minutes.
Tammi: Mitchell, get out of there!
Mitchell: I’m sorry, I think that fish that I ate earlier tonight was spoiled. This is going to be awhile.
Betty: Wait, what fish?
Mitchell: It was in the fridge.
Betty: I didn’t pack any fish.
Mitchell: Oh my god!!! What did I eat?
Betty: I think you ate someone else’s old trout.
Mitchell: I’m going to puke. Again!
Betty: Don’t worry Steven, I’ll pull over at this McDonald’s.
Cindy: Can we find a Wendy’s?
Betty: Cindy, put aside your feelings about McDonald’s for a minute so your grandson can go to the bathroom!
Cindy: Fine.
Steven: Thank you grandma Betty!
Teri: Are we in Connecticut?
Betty: Yes!
Teri: I can’t believe it’s taken us thirteen hours to get here. At least we’re still alive.
Betty: Just throw in a movie. I brought a few DVDs with.
Teri: Okay, so we’ve got Bumblebee, The Favourite, and The Shape of Water.
Betty: Three great choices!
Teri: No, they aren’t. There is a child in the RV with us.
Betty: What, he can't watch all of those?
Tammi: Heck no!
Betty: Why not?
Tammi: Do you know anything about The Favourite or The Shape of Water?
Betty: No, I just picked out whatever I found at Target. The one looks like a nice sci-fi adventure and the other looks like a good historical drama.
Tammi: Okay. Well I guess you can describe them as that.
Teri: It looks like we’re watching Bumblebee.
Cindy: Oh goodie! Just what I was hoping for!
Tammi: It’s not like it’s going to make this trip any worse! Do you want to hear more of grandma's ABBA karaoke?
Cindy: Oh boy, put it in.
Teri: Should we maybe wait for Steven and Frank to get back in the RV?
Tammi: Nah, they’ll catch up!
Teri: Sounds good to me!
To be continued…
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