Marietta Season 5 Premiere - Scandal (Not That One, Tammy)

Raymond Island Season 5, Episode 1
Scandal (Not That One, Tammy)

Marietta is at Patty Lynn and Martin’s for family dinner.

Marietta: So, Milton, how is everything going? With the midterms and all?

Milton: You know, I wish I could say! The polls aren’t quite where we want them to be, but we are ahead. We’ll easily hold control of the Senate. Washington’s been a problem.

Sarah: Isn’t the nominee there a murderer?

Milton: An attempted murderer.

Kathleen: Well, that’s much better. Get him in the Senate.

Milton: Don’t worry, we’re not spending a penny on his campaign. If he wins, though, it wouldn’t be the worst thing for the party.

Tammy: He doesn’t belong within ten miles of the Senate

Milton: I agree, that’s why I endorsed Ferrera Donahue. Still, if he wins, he easily gets expelled and then we win a special election with a normal candidate who hasn’t dabbled in homicide.

Marietta: Is anything happening in a state other than Washington? That race depresses me.

Patty Lynn: Do we have to talk about politics? We don’t get to come together as a family every day, there’s no need for work to get dragged into it now.

Martin: I agree, we should talk about something less contentious.

Marietta: What’s contentious about it, we all agree on politics?

Martin: Less stressful, then. Politics is stressful. Family dinners are supposed to be happy.

Marietta: How about that Liz Truss? Outlasted by lettuce, now that’s funny!

Patty Lynn: That’s politics!

Marietta: It’s hilarious! The UK is even more screwed up than we are!

Martin: No politics, not even funny politics.

Marietta: Okay, but this salad I’m eating is in honor of Liz.

Sarah: Who else is watching Abbott Elementary?

Marietta: Everyone with taste.

Patty Lynn: We missed it this week, I accidentally put another channel on and forgot what night it was.

Marietta: Don’t you have Hulu?

Sarah: Aunt Marietta, please don’t?

Martin: What is a Hulu?

Patty Lynn: You’re not making sense, dear.

Marietta: Never mind. Forget I said anything.

Milton: What about the Taylor Swift CD, you guys hear that?

Kathleen: I ordered the CD, it’s supposed to be delivered tomorrow.

Marietta: Ordered the CD? Like, from the internet?

Sarah: Who listens to CDs? Spotify, come on!

Milton: You’re confusing them. Look at those faces, they’re perplexed.

Patty Lynn: Maybe the political discussion isn’t so bad.

Marietta: Ah, I always love these family dinners. They’re just magical.

Two days later, at Marietta’s office…

Henrietta: Hey, Marietta! How are you today? Have a good weekend?

Amy: Can I just say, hiring her full-time was the best decision you ever made! It’s good to have someone else competent around here.

Tammy: Excuse me? Don’t get me wrong, I love ya, Henrietta -

Henrietta: Love you, too.

Tammy: But I’m the former Senate Majority Leader and she’s a teenager! I am clearly competent!

Henrietta: I’m twenty-two. I can drink now!

Tammy: That’s still a teenager in my eyes.

Amy: Wow, I really know how to get you going.

Tammy: You’re the devil.

Marietta: I have yet to get a word in. Another day in paradise.

Henrietta: This really is paradise, ain’t it? We get to serve the people, nothing better than that.

Amy: Aww, she’s adorable. She still thinks this is about service!

Marietta: I’m gonna go to my office. I’m exhausted.

Amy: Oh, do you need a nap?

Marietta: No! I don’t nap!

Amy: You look like you need a nap.

Marietta: I don’t!

Tammy: Okay, stop bugging Marietta. She’s clearly a bit cranky this fine morning.

Marietta: I am not cranky!

Tammy: Of course not!

Marietta: All right, I’m going in my office to work on a budget. No one bug me unless it’s an emergency!

Fifteen minutes later…

Henrietta: Is she serious about not bugging her? I had something to ask her?

Amy: What is it?

Henrietta: Charlotte has her big five-year checkup today, I have to leave early, around two.

Amy: You can go. I’ll hate being left alone with Tammy and Grumpy, but kids come first.

Tammy: Three years of being alone with us, now she’s got a problem with it.

Amy: Yes, because the comments never really bugged you before. You’ve gone soft.

Henrietta: Do you two promise you won’t kill each other if I leave you alone?

Tammy: If we’re lucky, Marietta will emerge from her hibernation before the day’s over.

Marissa: Hey, everybody! How’s the day going?

Tammy: Oh no, what’s wrong? What did Reggie tweet now?

Amy: You two are like the delivery girls of bad council news.

Moira: No bad council news today

Amy: Ah, that’s a relief.

Tammy: Just here to pressure Marietta top pressure Milton to pop the question, then?

Moira: Lord, no! If that should ever happen, I don’t want him doing it until he’s ready.

Tammy: That’s what we all say, isn’t it?

Amy: Come on, you have to see this spritely little thing with a ring on her finger and be a little jealous?

Henrietta: I am so uncomfortable.

Marissa: I think you should stop before HR gets called.

Amy: She would never, she loves us!

Moira: Anyway, we are here to deliver bad news of another sort.

Amy: Who died?

Marissa: Why does your mind always jump to that?

Amy: It’s the sort of news people tend to deliver in-person.

Moira: I take it none of you have read today’s edition of the Times.

Tammy: They always blame both sides, I’m not down with that. Too much on the line to blame Democrats equally when Republicans are actively trying to -

Moira: Anyway, they have a new article out. No one here is going to like it.

Amy: Considering how calm you are, I take it it’s a hit piece on Marietta and not Milton.

Moira: Indeed.

Amy: This is a witch hunt.

Henrietta: It is the season of the witch, after all.

Amy: No time for jokes, Henrietta! This is a disaster!

Tammy: We don’t even know what it is, it could be nothing.

Amy: Look at their faces, it’s something.

Marietta: Good lord, can someone just tell me what it is instead of dancing around it like this?

Marissa: Mayor Landfield, you’re here! I just assume you were off at breakfast or something, given that your office door was closed.

Marietta: I was trying to get the budget written, this is intriguing me, though. What is this disaster that seems to be brewing?

Marissa: You want to tell them, Moira? You’re basically her sister-in-law.

Moira: The Times ran an article -

Marietta: Heard that part.

Moira: They claim that you mishandled campaign funds. They said you used official campaign funds to fun personal plane trips to New York for Tammy to visit her family.

Amy: See what I said? Incompetent.

Marietta: That’s, uh, that’s a crime. They’re accusing me of a crime. I could go to jail.

Marissa: It’s just one source.

Marietta: Oh, god. I could go to jail!

Amy: She’s malfunctioning.

Tammy: The threat of jail time will do that to a person.

Henrietta: It could be worse, Marietta. You’re white, rich, and powerful. Those kinds of people get off scot-free all the time!

Marietta: For some reason, that does not comfort me.

Marissa: Well, it should. You’re probably not going to jail for it.

Marietta: Even in the event I don’t go to jail, I can still lose re-election. That’s not quite ideal.

Moira: Listen, Marietta. I understand the concern. I’d be worried myself. However ,here’s a long road ahead and a lot of accusations like this turn out to be nothing. Don’t let it get to you too much.

Amy: Wise words. More likely than not, this amounts to nothing more than some idiots talking about it on Twitter and a mention on the local news. And Reggie Barrack probably tries to have you impeached.

Moira: Poor Reggie, too worried about petty fights and not worried enough about doing his job.

Amy: I have to say, it is sort of intriguing to finally have a good old-fashioned scandal on our hands. You’ve been too squeaky-clean before this.

Tammy: That reminds me, I have to get back to watching Scandal.

Marietta: Haven’t you been watching that for, like, five years?
Tammy: Things take time!

Marietta: Well, anyway, thank you both for popping in to inform me I’m a criminal. You can go back to yelling at Reggie now.

Moira: Glad to help! And I’ll be glad to yell at Reggie.

That night, at Martin and Patty Lynn’s…

Sarah: Ooh… you’re in trouble…

Marietta: I don’t want to hear it from you! You’ve probably done worse today alone!

Sarah: That’s not the point, I’m not the one on trial here.

Marietta: I feel so welcomed home.

Sarah: Technically, we’re not home yet.

Marietta: Technically, I can leave you here.

Kathleen: Please, no! 

Sarah: Wow!

Kathleen: We need some peace and quiet here, dear. We’re old, you’re too energetic. We just want to sit down and watch Dancing with the Stars.

Marietta: Oh, you guys have figured out Disney+?

Kathleen: Very funny…

Marietta: You said on Saturday you don’t even know what Hulu is, why would I expect you to be Disney+ experts?

Patty Lynn: Can we talk about the Times article?

Marietta: I thought you said no politics?

Patty Lynn: Only at family dinner!

Marietta: Glad to see the exception lifted, I desperately wanted to come talk about this.

Martin: I sense some sass.

Marietta: I could go to jail, dad! Jail! The place Bill Cosby should be!

Sarah: Kany-

Marietta: No.

Sarah: Sorry, too far.

Martin: Campaign finance scandals happen all the time, usually they turn out to be nothing. I witnessed a few of them firsthand.

Kathleen: I was on the Ethics Committee when I was in the House many, many, many years ago-

Patty Lynn: You didn’t say “many” enough.

Kathleen: ABCDEFU.

Sarah: Wow, aunt Kathleen is catching on to the music of the kids!

Kathleen: I know Olivia Rodrigo. I know Billie Eilish! I know Adele! I’m hip!

Sarah: Not one of them sings that song.

Kathleen: As I was trying to say, I was on the Ethics Committee, I’ve seen a lot of people accused of violating finance laws, and it usually just gets brushed under the rug. Unless there’s a long, multi-year history of it, and they can prove it was a consistent issue you were aware of, it won’t go anywhere.

Marietta: That does make me feel slightly better, but that was forty years ago.

Kathleen: Ouch!

Martin: I think what she’s trying to say is it was a more corrupt time.

Kathleen: We were not corrupt!

Martin: Honey, I was there. I was holding office. It wasn’t great.

Patty Lynn: Okay, we get it, you were both wildly corrupt. How does that help Marietta?

Martin: I’m saying she’ll be okay, but rules from the 70s and 80s probably aren’t there reason why. She didn’t do anything wrong.

Marietta: Ah, good, a jury of my parents and aunt have found me innocent? Look like I’m safe!

Patty Lynn: You don’t have to be rude about it.\

Martin: She’s stressed, she can be a little mean.

Sarah: You don’t let me be mean when I’m stressed!

Martin: What do you get stressed about? TokTik?

Sarah: It’s TikTok!

Martin: Okay.

Marietta: Okay, Sarah, we need to get home. This did make me feel a little better, so I guess I do appreciate mom breaking her ban open politics.

Patty Lynn: I don’t have a ban on politics!

Marietta: Not what you said when I was talking about the lettuce lady!

The next day…

Marietta: Henrietta, why are you crying? Are you pregnant? It’s okay, you’re married this time, your mom’s not going to yell at you.

Henrietta: I’m just…

Marietta: Did the check-up go badly?

Amy: No pregnancy, check-up went fine, Tammy has news.

Henrietta: Thank you. Exactly that.

Marietta: Tammy, look at me.

Tammy: No.

Marietta: Look at me!

Tammy: You’ll try to talk me out of it!

Marietta: Talk you out of what?

Amy: We’ll give you some space, I want to go buy a croissant. I’ll buy you one, too, Hen.

Henrietta: I don’t have an appetite.

Amy: Just come with!

Marietta: Tammy, please tell me what is going on!

Tammy: I feel awful, about this mess I’ve gotten you into, and, uh, here.

Marietta: I have to read it?

Tammy: I’ll just tell you. It’s my letter of resignation.

Marietta: You’re not going anywhere.

Tammy: Amy is right, I’m incompetent and I need to just retire. I might cost you your job. Hell, I might send you to prison! How can I be your chief of staff slash campaign manager slash closest confidante when I’m dragging you down like this?

Marietta: I won’t accept it. You have nothing to resign over.

Tammy: I already told the girls, I already told Mitch. I’m packing my desk and going, for your sake. You can throw me under the bus and I’ll take all the blame.

Marietta: You drive me crazy.

Tammy: Thank you.

Marietta: Get back to work.

Tammy: I’m quitting!

Marietta: You are not. It’s my responsibility to approve these things, you made a mistake and I’m not letting you take the fall.

Tammy: You’re really not going to let me fall on the sword over this?

Marietta: No! I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I fired my best friend over something so ridiculous. Look what the President got away with just this year. You’re not getting fired over a few flights going on the official campaign tab.

Tammy: So I still have to work?

Marietta: Yes.

Tammy: I guess I should tell Mitch to cancel that trip to Cancun.

Marietta: Yes, you should.

Henrietta: Yes!

Amy: Shh!

Marietta: You two can come out, I know you were eavesdropping the whole time.

Amy: How’d you know?

Marietta: Aside from Henrietta just celebrating loudly? Since when do you leave right after coming to work to grab a croissant?

Henrietta: You’re really staying, Tammy?

Tammy: I don’t seem to have a choice in the matter.

Henrietta: I love forced labor! That came out wrong.

Marietta: Well, we just lost the union endorsements.

Tammy: That one wasn’t my fault!

What did you think of the season premiere of Marietta? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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