Below are the top 50 programs on cable on Friday, 5/24/24. Items of note include NHL Playoffs on ESPN, NBA Playoffs on TNT and The Five on Fox News.
(Note: Click the name of any show with its title in purple or blue to be taken to its page in the TV Ratings Guide Cable Ratings Database.)
Ratings Analysis: Though Fox's MasterChef (0.30) returned with a new series low on Wednesday night, this rating was only slightly below its summer 2023 premiere (0.33). In the 9 p.m. hour, Food Stars (0.19, 0.00) tied last week's meager premiere rating and lost out to a rerun of Willie Nelson's 90th Birthday Celebration (0.26). The Price Is Right At Night (0.45, +0.09) jumped on CBS and was the top-rated program of the night. Walker (0.06, +0.01) ticked up on the CW, while Sight Unseen (0.03, 0.00) matched its week-ago installment. ABC aired repeats of The Conners (0.22/0.18/0.17/0.13) and Shark Tank (0.15). NBC went with encores of Chicago Med (0.20), Chicago Fire (0.18), and Chicago PD (0.19).
Below are the top 50 programs on cable on Saturday, 5/25/24. Items of note include NHL Playoffs on ESPN, AEW: Collision on TNT, and On Patrol: Live on Reelz.
(Note: Click the name of any show with its title in red to be taken to its page in the TV Ratings Guide Cable Ratings Database.)
Ratings Analysis: It was a vaguely promising night for Fox as long-running game show Beat Shazam (0.22) matched its year-ago premiere rating (0.22) in its return, and new game show The Quiz with Balls (0.25) debuted with a fairly respectable rating and built on its Shazam lead-in. On NBC, America's Got Talent (0.45) returned with a rating that was two-tenths behind its summer 2023 start (0.65) and did nothing to help out Password (0.24, -0.05). Police 24/7 (0.05, -0.02) fell on the CW, while Hostage Rescue (0.03, -0.04) dealt with a more severe decline. ABC re-ran Celebrity Wheel of Fortune (0.37), Celebrity Jeopardy! (0.27), and The $100,000 Pyramid (0.18). CBS went with reruns of the FBI trio (0.29/0.24/0.22).
Ratings Analysis: As usual, there were very few original offerings on Memorial Day, and the new installments that did air clearly suffered. Weakest Link (0.17, -0.10), for instance, completely collapsed on NBC and trailed its, already feeble, American Ninja Warrior lead-in (0.23). Over on the CW, All American (0.06, -0.03) also dropped and set a new series low. ABC went with reruns of Celebrity Wheel of Fortune (0.33), Celebrity Jeopardy! (0.28), and Press Your Luck (0.21). CBS re-ran The Neighborhood (0.24/0.23), NCIS (0.20), and NCIS: Hawai'i (0.20). Fox re-aired MASH: The Comedy That Changed Television (0.14), a special it originally showed on New Year's Day.
Ratings Analysis: NBC's Indy 500 broadcast (0.72) was a clear step above Fox's Coca-Cola 600 (0.47) and easily topped the night in the Adults 18-49 demographic. CBS aired a rerun of 60 Minutes (0.29), 60 Minutes Presents (0.25), and Elsbeth encores (0.18/0.18). ABC re-ran America's Funniest Home Videos (0.28/0.28/0.25/0.24) throughout the evening. The Blind Side (0.05) underperformed on the CW.
Ratings Analysis: The Celtics v. Pacers NBA Playoffs game (1.72) excelled on ABC and was a tenth higher than the week-ago Thunders v. Mavericks game (1.58). MLB: Regional Coverage (0.33, +0.14) also climbed higher on Fox. Repeats of The Wall (0.15), Weakest Link (0.14), and Dateline (0.15) made up NBC's lineup. CBS went with encores of The Equalizer (0.13) and 48 Hours (0.14/0.15). I Am Steve McQueen (0.03) was a hundredth below last week's I Am Bruce Lee (0.04).
Below are the top 50 programs on cable on Thursday, 5/23/24. Items of note include NBA Playoffs on ESPN, Jersey Shore Family Vacation on MTV, and NHL Playoffs on TNT.
(Note: Click the names of the shows written in purple or blue to be taken to their pages in the TV Ratings Guide Cable Database.)
Ratings Analysis: RuPaul game show Lingo (0.20/0.18) underwhelmed in its CBS return and was a clear step below last week's drama finales (0.34/0.39/0.26) in the Adults 18-49 demographic. On Fox, WWE Smackdown (0.56, -0.03) declined a bit but remained well above the night's other offerings in the key demo. ABC aired reruns of Shark Tank (0.22) and 20/20 (0.18). NBC went with repeats of Night Court (0.18/0.15) and Dateline (0.25). 100 Days to Indy (0.02, 0.00) held flat on the CW.
Below are the top 50 programs on cable on Wednesday, 5/22/24. Items of note include Reginald the Vampire on Syfy, the series finale of Grown-Ish on Freeform, and Top Chef on Bravo.
(Click the names of the shows written in teal or blue to be taken to their pages in the TV Ratings Guide Cable Database.)
Below are the top 50 programs on cable on Tuesday, 5/21/24. Items of note include Vanderpump Rules on Bravo, NBA Playoffs on ESPN, and WWE NXT on USA.
(Note: Click any show with its name in green or blue to be taken to its page in the TV Ratings Guide Cable Ratings Database.)
Below are the top 50 programs on cable on Monday, 5/20/24. Items of note include Summer Baking Championship on Food Network, WWE Raw on USA, and the NBA Playoffs on TNT.
(Note: Click any show with its name in yellow or blue to be taken to its page in the TV Ratings Guide Cable Ratings Database.)
Ratings Analysis: CBS's Elsbeth (0.28, +0.02) was bumped up an hour on finale night and grew slightly as a result. The Price Is Right At Night (0.36, +0.01) also improved a bit at 8. Meanwhile, Fox continued to roll out its summer lineup, but the results remained abysmal. Like Food Stars, Don't Forget the Lyrics! (0.19) could only tie last season's low in its premiere but did, at the very least, outpace its I Can See Your Voice lead-in (0.17, 0.00). On ABC, 9-1-1 (0.46, +0.02) ticked up, Grey's Anatomy (0.35, 0.00) matched its week-ago rating, and Station 19 (0.20, -0.01) descended to a new low. NBC's Red Nose Day: Cheers to Ten Years special (0.15) did not make much noise. It was followed by reruns of The Wall (0.15) and Law & Order: SVU (0.13). Patti Stanger: The Matchmaker (0.03, 0.00) and Lovers and Liars (0.03, 0.00) were both steady on the CW.
Below are the top 50 programs on cable on Sunday, 5/19/24. Items of note include The Sympathizer on HBO, Interview with the Vampire on AMC, and When Calls the Heart on Hallmark.
(Note: Click any show with its name in orange to be taken to its page in the TV Ratings Guide Cable Ratings Database.)
Ratings Analysis: On ABC, Jeopardy! Masters (0.45, +0.04), Abbott Elementary (0.44, +0.11), and The Conners (0.30, +0.08) all soared for their season finales, with Abbott growing by more than a full tenth! Survivor (0.75, 0.00) also ended its season on CBS and tied last week's rating. On Fox, the season finale of The Masked Singer (0.35) led into the season premiere of Gordon Ramsay's Food Stars (0.19). Food Stars could only tie its series low in its return and barely retained more than 50% of its lead-in. NBC's Chicago Med (0.40, -0.04), Chicago Fire (0.40, -0.07), and Chicago PD (0.39, -0.06) all dropped on finale night. Walker (0.05, -0.02) dipped on the CW, but Sight Unseen (0.03, +0.01) got back a precious hundredth.
Below are the top 50 programs on cable on Saturday, 5/18/24. Items of note include Everything Puppies on Hallmark, the NHL Playoffs on ESPN, and On Patrol: Live on Reelz.
(Note: Click the name of any show with its title in red to be taken to its page in the TV Ratings Guide Cable Ratings Database.)
Ratings Analysis: ABC's The Good Doctor (0.22, +0.02) did not have a Young Sheldon-sized surge on series finale night but was still up a touch as it closed out its seven-season run. Earlier in the night, Will Trent (0.33, +0.03) and The Rookie (0.30, +0.03) were also up for their respective season finales. NBC's The Voice (0.40, +0.05) was on the rise for its closer as well and found itself in a tie with the FBI finale (0.40, -0.04). CBS also aired the finales of FBI: International (0.34, 0.00) and FBI: Most Wanted (0.32, +0.01). The Cleaning Lady (0.14, -0.01) lost a hundredth for its Fox finale. Police 24/7 (0.07, +0.02) bounced back on the CW, while Hostage Rescue (0.07, 0.00) matched last week's premiere.
Below are the top 50 programs on cable on Friday, 5/17/24. Items of note include Real Time with Bill Maher on HBO, NHL Playoffs on TNT and NBA Playoffs on ESPN.
(Note: Click the name of any show with its title in purple or blue to be taken to its page in the TV Ratings Guide Cable Ratings Database.)
Ratings Analysis: A Pope Francis interview on CBS managed a meager 0.17 rating and dropped noticeably from the NCIS rerun (0.25) that led into it. Earlier in the night, The Price Is Right At Night (0.35) placed third in its 8 PM time slot. On Fox, MasterChef Junior (0.24, -0.01) and So You Think You Can Dance (0.10, -0.03) declined for their respective finales. Jeopardy! Masters (0.41, +0.12) bounced back on ABC and led into repeats of Celebrity Wheel of Fortune (0.26) and Press Your Luck (0.20). NBC's The Voice (0.41, +0.02) inched up, while Weakest Link (0.27, -0.03) weakened. On the CW, All American (0.09, -0.02) slipped.
It's time for Walker to walk on. CW has canceled their Walker, Texas Ranger reboot, just a day after reports of the show's set being dismantled. The series was one of only three shows to remain from the pre-Nexstar era of The CW, and was said to be too expensive to produce for its producer CBS for them to justify its low licensing fee to the CW. In spite of its cancelation, Walker is CW's most-watched show in total viewership, and out-rates most shows on the network in the key 18-49 demo, though with just a 0.06 average, it's still a far cry from nearly every shows on the other broadcast networks, and was down 30% year-to-year. Before the Nexstar, The CW seemed to be moving towards a Walker franchise, with Walker: Independence ordered to series in 2022. That show ended up canceled after a single season, while Walker was one of just four scripted shows to survive last season's CW programming purge. Now, the Walker franchise is entirely over, as fortunes changed on the network that used to renew nearly every show regardless of their ratings. Jared Padelecki, Molly Hagan, Keegan Allen, Mitch Pileggi and Odette Annable starred in the series, which will wrap up its four-season run on June 26. This is a correct prediction for The TV Ratings Guide.
Ratings Analysis: The American Idol season finale (0.65, +0.02) topped the night on ABC, with the singing-competition series rising for Katy Perry's final episode. However, America's Funniest Home Videos (0.50, -0.06) dropped for its own finale in the 7 p.m. slot. On Fox, The Simpsons (0.14, -0.02) fell to a new series low on finale night, but Krapopolis (0.14, +0.02) and The Great North (0.16, +0.04) were actually up for their respective season closers. In the 9:30 slot, Bob's Burgers (0.18, -0.11) aired an original episode for the first time in over two months, one that doubled as its season finale. It was a new series low for Bob's, but it still outpaced the other three despite taking such a long hiatus. 60 Minutes (0.55, +0.12), The Equalizer (0.43, +0.07), Tracker (0.46, +0.04), and CSI: Vegas (0.35, +0.10) were all up for their CBS finales. For Vegas, this served as a new season high for the drama's final ever episode. NBC's showing of 2018 film Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald (0.12) did not move the needle in a significant way and was beaten by a 10 p.m. Dateline rerun (0.13). 2009 film The Proposal (0.07) was a hundredth lower than the week-ago Mamma Mia! on the CW.
Ratings Analysis: NBC's Saturday Night Live (0.66, -0.02) dipped on finale night but was still the second-highest rated program of the evening. On ABC, the Thunder v. Mavericks NBA Playoffs game (1.58) was slightly above last week's game (1.54). CBS's 48 Hours (0.20, +0.01) picked up a hundredth for its finale. MLB: Regional Coverage (0.19, -0.06) took a hit on Fox. I Am Bruce Lee (0.04) tied last week's ABBA special on the CW.
The 2023-24 season is a wrap, with ABC making its final decisions and launching its fall schedule since our last renew/cancel. This week, I take a look back on the season that was, after a short, strike-impacted year of programming.
Ratings Analysis: CBS dramas SWAT (0.34, +0.01) and Fire Country (0.39, +0.05) were up on finale night, while Blue Bloods (0.26, -0.01) shed a hundredth. ABC's Jeopardy! Masters (0.29, -0.13) dipped to a new low, and 20/20 (0.21, -0.04) came down with it. Fox's WWE Smackdown (0.59, -0.03) slipped as well. NBC aired reruns of Password (0.21) and Dateline (0.23). 100 Days to Indy (0.02, +0.01) ticked up on the CW.
Below are the top 50 programs on cable on Thursday, 5/16/24. Items of note include NBA Playoffs on ESPN, Jersey Shore Family Vacation on MTV, and NHL Playoffs on TNT.
(Note: Click the names of the shows written in purple or blue to be taken to their pages in the TV Ratings Guide Cable Database.)
Below are the top 50 programs on cable on Wednesday, 5/15/24. Items of note include Reginald the Vampire on Syfy, Grown-Ish on Freeform, and Top Chef on Bravo.
(Click the names of the shows written in teal or blue to be taken to their pages in the TV Ratings Guide Cable Database.)
Below are the top 50 programs on cable on Tuesday, 5/14/24. Items of note include Vanderpump Rules on Bravo, WNBA on ESPN2, and NBA Playoffs on TNT.
(Note: Click any show with its name in green or blue to be taken to its page in the TV Ratings Guide Cable Ratings Database.)
Below are the top 50 programs on cable on Monday, 5/13/24. Items of note include the season premiere of Summer Baking Championship on Food Network, WWE Raw on USA, and the NBA Playoffs on TNT.
(Note: Click any show with its name in yellow or blue to be taken to its page in the TV Ratings Guide Cable Ratings Database.)
Ratings Analysis: CBS's Young Sheldon ended its seven-season run in monumental fashion. The long-running sitcom posted a monstrous 0.71 rating at 8 p.m. and then climbed to a 0.76 for its final ever episode at 8:30. One would have to go back to January 2022 to find an episode with a higher Adults 18-49 rating than this series finale. In terms of total viewership, both episodes of Young Sheldon cleared the 9-million mark, a feat it has not accomplished since April 2020! But Sheldon was not the only series finale of the night, as canceled drama So Help Me Todd (0.35, +0.08) aired its series finale right after the boy genius's antics came to a close. However, Todd retained less than half of its monstrous lead-in and was not even able to set a new season high. At 10, Elsbeth (0.26, +0.04) also rose but not nearly as much as the others. On NBC, Law & Order (0.35, +0.05) and Organized Crime (0.33, +0.04) were up for their respective finales, but SVU (0.41, -0.01) ticked down. 9-1-1 (0.44, -0.06), Grey's Anatomy (0.35, -0.04), and Station 19 (0.21, -0.05) all slipped on ABC. Fox's I Can See Your Voice (0.17) was significantly weaker than Next Level Chef in its return, and the Farmer Wants a Wife finale (0.19, -0.04) suffered as a result. Patti Stanger (0.03, -0.02) dipped on the CW, while Lovers and Liars posted its third-straight 0.03.
Below are the top 50 programs on cable on Sunday, 5/12/24. Items of note include The Sympathizer on HBO, the season premiere of Interview with the Vampire on AMC, and When Calls the Heart on Hallmark.
(Note: Click any show with its name in orange to be taken to its page in the TV Ratings Guide Cable Ratings Database.)
Ratings Analysis: Though Jeopardy! Masters (0.42, 0.00) was stable on ABC, comedies Abbott Elementary (0.33, -0.10) and The Conners (0.22, -0.06) nosedived. This serves as a brand-new series low for The Conners. Like Jeopardy!, CBS's Survivor (0.75, 0.00) matched its last installment, and The Amazing Race (0.41, +0.04) enjoyed a nice boost on season finale night. Chicago PD (0.45, +0.08) surged on NBC, while Chicago Med (0.44, +0.01) and Fire (0.47, +0.01) each picked up a hundredth. Fox aired a clip show of The Masked Singer (0.35) and a Masked Singer original (0.34). Over on the CW, Walker (0.07, 0.00) tied last week's episode, but Sight Unseen (0.02, -0.01) became an even bigger eyesore.
Below are the top 50 programs on cable on Saturday, 5/11/24. Items of note include A Whitewater Romance on Hallmark, the NHL Playoffs on TNT, and On Patrol: Live on Reelz.
(Note: Click the name of any show with its title in red to be taken to its page in the TV Ratings Guide Cable Ratings Database.)
CW has announced their fall schedule for 2024. The schedule is, once again, a near-complete shakeup from their previous fall schedule, with less than half of last fall's programs returning to the schedule this year. The schedule includes multiple new series, including Trivial Pursuit and The Librarians: The Next Chapter, and just one scripted original from the pre-Nexstar era: the final season of Superman & Lois.
Ratings Analysis: The Jimmy Fallon iteration of The Tonight Show celebrated its 10th anniversary with an NBC special (0.41) that put up a strong rating and even built on a stable edition of The Voice (0.35, 0.00) in the Adults 18-49 demographic. Will Trent (0.30, +0.01) and The Rookie (0.27, +0.01) picked up a hundredth apiece on ABC, while The Good Doctor (0.20, +0.06) grew in a more noticeable way. On Fox, The Cleaning Lady (0.15, +0.02) posted a higher rating than it did last week, but Alert: Missing Persons Unit (0.11, 0.00) failed to rise on finale night. FBI (0.44, -0.02), FBI: International (0.34, -0.03), and FBI: Most Wanted (0.31, -0.01) all dropped on CBS. Hostage Rescue (0.07) had a decent debut on the CW and outpaced its sinking Police 24/7 lead-in (0.05, -0.04).
Below are the top 50 programs on cable on Friday, 5/10/24. Items of note include Real Time with Bill Maher on HBO, the season finale of BMF on Starz, and NBA Playoffs on ESPN.
(Note: Click the name of any show with its title in purple or blue to be taken to its page in the TV Ratings Guide Cable Ratings Database.)
Below are the top 50 programs on cable on Thursday, 5/9/24. Items of note include NBA Playoffs on ESPN, Jersey Shore Family Vacation on MTV, and NHL Playoffs on TNT.
(Note: Click the names of the shows written in purple or blue to be taken to their pages in the TV Ratings Guide Cable Database.)
Ratings Analysis: ABC's Celebrity Wheel of Fortune (0.32, +0.02) inched up for a season finale that doubled as Pat Sajak's final episode as host. Earlier in the evening, Jeopardy! Masters (0.42, +0.12) rebounded after Friday's poor showing. The Voice (0.39, -0.02) dipped on NBC, but Deal or No Deal Island (0.32, +0.02) was up for its finale. MasterChef Junior (0.25, +0.02) improved on Fox, while So You Think You Can Dance (0.13, -0.01) lost a hundredth. CBS re-ran Young Sheldon (0.27/0.25), NCIS (0.20), and NCIS: Hawai'i (0.20). All American (0.11, -0.01) ticked down on the CW.
Ratings Analysis: ABC's TIME100 special (0.24) proved to be a Nielsen ratings dud, retaining less than 40% of its soaring American Idol lead-in (0.63, +0.12). In the 7 p.m. time slot, America's Funniest Home Videos (0.56, +0.12) grew by the same amount as Idol and remained a notch above CBS's 60 Minutes (0.43, +0.07). On the drama front, The Equalizer (0.36, +0.01) and CSI: Vegas (0.25, +0.01) perked up, while Tracker (0.42, -0.01) ticked down. On Fox, The Simpsons (0.16, -0.10), Krapopolis (0.12, -0.08), and The Great North (0.12, -0.05) all collapsed. Grimsburg (0.09, -0.04) was also down considerably for its season finale. On NBC, American Ninja Warrior: Women's Championship (0.20) was modest at best. 2008 film Mamma Mia! managed a 0.08 rating on the CW, a minor improvement over last week's Walk the Line (0.06).
Ratings Analysis: Former cast member Maya Rudolph returned to Saturday Night Live as host, but the ratings (0.68, -0.09) were down markedly from last week's Dua Lipa-hosted episode (0.77). On Fox, MLB: Regional Coverage (0.25, -0.03) also declined but not as much as SNL. ABC outpaced all other networks in the key demo with its Celtics v. Cavaliers NBA Playoffs broadcast (1.54). Over on CBS, 48 Hours (0.19, 0.00) tied its week-ago installment. ABBA: Against All Odds (0.04) was modest by CW standards.
ABC has announced their fall 2024 schedule. The schedule includes multiple new series and time slot moves, as well as the benching of multiple veteran series, including Celebrity Jeopardy!, The Conners, Will Trent, and The Rookie.
Gretchen walks into her office.
Gretchen: Where is Massachusetts?
Carol: On our northern and eastern borders.
Gretchen: I meant Sarita.
Carol: Oh! She called out today.
Gretchen: What’s the excuse now?
Susana: There’s no way it can top previous classic excuses like “I’m listening to the new Ariana Grande album,” “Venus was voted out of Survivor last night,” and “I ate a spoiled piece of pumpkin pie.”
Gretchen: I’m partial to the time she was out from work for a whole week because her neck hurt.
Susana: Why didn’t she go to the doctor? Or for a massage?
Gretchen: The world may never know.
Carol: Yeah, well apparently her friend from college is in town.
Gretchen: Good reason to skip work.
Susana: Surely we can find someone else who’d want her job, no?
Gretchen: She does good work when she does show up, I don’t want to let go of that.
Carol: What did you need her for anyway?
Gretchen: Oh, Pratt requested a meeting about something. Why on earth would I want to talk to her?
Carol: You were going to send your comms director to meet with your lieutenant governor?
Gretchen: I figured it was better than sending my lowly assistant! No offense, Susana.
Susana: None taken! I wouldn’t put my personal assistant on official state business if I were the governor, either.
Gretchen: That being said… Susana, would you mind meeting with Pratt?
Susana: Oh, no, of course!
Carol: Mary called, by the way. She wants to meet with you. Should I call Sarita and ask her when she’s available for that one?
Gretchen: No, I actually like my sister! Well, most of the time.
Carol: So when do you have time open for your meeting?
Gretchen: Well, we’re gonna be on the road today after lunch, no?
Carol: Yes.
Gretchen: Tell her tomorrow.
Carol: Will do.
Susana: You could squeeze her in before lunch if you wanted, we have a light morning.
Gretchen: Eh, nah. I wouldn’t really do that for anyone else, and I don’t want to be accused of making special exceptions for family.
Carol: You meet with Jeanne and Hank whenever they request a meeting.
Gretchen: They hold my entire agenda in their hands, I have to play nice.
Carol: But you’re so rarely nice to them!
Gretchen: What can I say, I can’t help myself.
Two hours later…
Gretchen: My god, Susana! You deserve a medal for putting up with the pain in the ass for that long! Ninety minutes?
Susana: It actually wasn't so bad. She was disappointed you were “too busy” to show, though.
Carol: What did she have to tap about? I mean… she’s the lieutenant governor. Of Rhode Island, no less! What kind of gossip could she even possibly have?
Susana: Well, like half of it was just chatting about our families and all that.
Gretchen: You listened to her yap about her family for forty-five minutes? I’ve worked with her side-by-side for five years and I couldn’t even tell you her husband’s name.
Susana: She’s divorced.
Gretchen: See! My point exactly.
Carol: You tried to help set her up on a date last year, clearly you have some interest in her personal life.
Gretchen: In just wanted to get her off my back! She’s so clingy!
Susana: Anyway, I found out why Mary wants to meet with you
Gretchen: What trouble did my sister get herself into now? Is it a DUI? I can’t help her, look what happened the last time people merely thought I helped her get out of a traffic violation.
Susana: She didn’t do anything wrong. I think it’s great what she’s doing.
Carol: Don’t be so cryptic, just spit it out!
Susana: Samantha has heard through the grapevine that Mary is filing a motion to vacate against Hank and is actively meeting with Democrats in the house to gin up support.
Gretchen: How the hell did Pratt of all people know this before me? Not only am I the governor, she’s my sister!
Carol: She barely even has a job, that gives her plenty of time to rub elbows with all sorts of people on Capitol Hill.
Gretchen: Does Hank know about this? This is gonna be a huge headache for me once he catches wind of it!
Susana: Samantha says he doesn’t know yet, but he’ll probably find out soon.
Gretchen: I can buy her having closer ties to members of the house than me, but how could she find out before Hank? It’s happening in his own caucus!
Susana: When has Hank ever been intuitive or self-aware?
Gretchen: That’s true.
Susana: I’m surprised you’re worried about this, I figured you’d be doing cartwheels.
Gretchen: There’s nothing to do cartwheels about yet, there’s no sign it’s actually going to succeed.
Susana: Samantha seems convinced it’ll be close.
Gretchen: Pratt is convinced of a lot of things. She was convinced she’d beat me in the primary. Needless to say, she didn’t.
Susana: Regardless, for the first time since you took office, Hank is going to need your help to keep his job.
Gretchen: Well, I’m certainly not doing that! I can’t stand the man!
Susana: We can’t let our personal feelings get in the away of what’s smart, politically.
Carol: Is it smart to save him, politically? Hypothetically, let’s say we make a deal with him to bail him out in exchange for him being less of a pain in the ass. Who’s to say that he’ll stick by his word? He’s not the most trustworthy guy.
Gretchen: He’s a politician, off course he’s not trustworthy!
Carol: Are you aware of what your profession is?
Gretchen: That’s beside the point. So, you think I should just let him flatline?
Carol: I think we need to get a gauge on the support in the state house for this before we weigh in one way or another. Not only would it be a horrible look for you to come out on the losing side of the battle, it’d be a nightmare if you supported the motion to vacate and he survived.
Gretchen: Yeah, if I take that shot, I better not miss.
Susana: So what are we going to do here?
Gretchen: I don’t know yet. I honestly sort of wish I could’ve talked to Pratt about it to get her thoughts on it.
Samantha: What was that?
Gretchen: Gah! How do you always do that?
Samantha: Really thin walls in this place!
Gretchen: First of all, that’s not true. Second, you work on another floor.
Samantha: That’s neither here nor there. So what are you doing here?
Gretchen: It’s my office!
Samantha: Susana told me you were busy.
Gretchen: I, uh, I… uh… um… I am very busy! You’re interrupted our work.
Samantha: You seem to just be sitting around eating chips.
Gretchen: We’re still working on provisions on the housing bill, Pratt. The chips are our brain food.
Samantha: I feel like you might have just lied to me to avoid meeting with me.
Gretchen: Never! And you know how I can prove that to you? I need your advice right now.
Samantha: Oh, I’m really busy.
Gretchen: Really?
Samantha: No, I’m the lieutenant governor of Rhode Island, how could I ever possibly be busy? What do you need advice on?
Gretchen: I know you have more connections with members of the house than I do. Do you think this motion to vacate is going to pass?
Samantha: I don’t know, I just heard about it earlier today from one of my friends. All they said was that Mary is very confident in its chances, I didn’t get any estimate on the number of members willing to vote with her.
Gretchen: So, in your view, what should I do about it?
Samantha: It’s hard to say. I know Hank derails a lot of our agenda.
Gretchen: Our?
Samantha: Our administration’s agenda.
Gretchen: Try again.
Samantha: Your agenda.
Gretchen: That’s more like it. So, you’re saying I should get involved and try to get him ousted?
Samantha: I think it might be beneficial for you, but don’t say anything just yet. I’ll try and get a grasp on how many are even hypothetically willing to vote to oust him. Plus, we can’t automatically count on the Republicans to vote to take him down, which I believe Mary is doing.
Gretchen: All right, you can be my tinker tailor soldier spy.
Samantha: Finally, some real responsibility around here!
Gretchen: Yes, we’re all very proud of you for this accomplishment. I never thought I’d see the day where I’d trust you enough to actually ask you to do me a favor.
Samantha: Today’s a momentous day!
Later that day, while Gretchen is at a restaurant with her family…
Anthony: So, Gretchen, how was your day?
Lucinda: No one ever asks me how my day went!
Anthony: Every day is the same. You wake up, you watch the Today Show, you knit on the couch, you yell at us, repeat ad nauseam each day.
Lucinda: That’s not true! On Wednesdays I go to bingo!
Anthony: Today’s not Wednesday.
Lucinda: I still did a lot today. I cleaned. You’re welcome.
Christina: She did clean, and I really appreciate it. The floor was getting a little… sticky.
Gretchen: I’m sorry, I should’ve called in a new cleaning lady, I keep forgetting Conchata is on maternity leave.
Lucinda: I’m glad someone realized it. I did it right in front of Toby and not a peep out of him.
Christina: I noticed it right away. It’s like night and day!
Toby: I didn’t see it! I was on my computer.
Lucinda: Kids these days… we had to entertain ourselves when I was your age.
Gretchen: Is that why Aunt B had three kids by the time she was Christina’s age?
Lucinda: Some of us entertained ourselves in unsavory ways. It’s a natural part of life.
Gretchen: This is why I hate leaving them home alone with you.
Christina: Mom, do you think I don’t know what sex is?
Gretchen: I like to think of it that way.
Toby: What is sex?
Anthony: This is a terrible, terrible conversation.
Lucinda: You shouldn’t feel awkward talking to your kids about these things! It’s natural!
Gretchen: Nope.
Anthony: I never did get an answer to my question, Gretchen. How was your day?
Gretchen: Oh, god. Another headache.
Anthony: What now?
Christina: Is it the housing bill?
Gretchen: No, that’s coming along, I promise! Though, how I react to today’s development could impact that bill’s passage.
Anthony: So what happened?
Gretchen: I feel a bit uncomfortable discussing this in public, I wouldn’t want anyone to hear.
Anthony: We can talk about it at home if you’d like.
Gretchen: Eh, I don’t see any harm in it. So, Mary is filing a motion to vacate against Hank and I have to decide what to do about it, whether to support it or not.
Christina: You hate Hank, how is this even a question?
Anthony: She’s rightfully concerned about making waves.
Gretchen: Oh no, conflicting views!
Anthony: How do you want us to feel? I’ll support whatever decision you’re leaning towards.
Lucinda: Kissass.
Anthony: It’s called being supportive.
Lucinda: Kissass.
Anthony: How mature.
Gretchen: I want to hear your genuine opinions. I’m really not sure what to do here.
Lucinda: Well-behaved women seldom make history.
Gretchen: Thank you, Eleanor Roosevelt.
Lucinda: Not her quote, actually!
Anthony: She’d know, they were childhood friends.
Lucinda kicks Anthony under the table.
Anthony: Footsie? Come on, that’s inappropriate.
Gretchen: So mom thinks I should stab Hank in the back.
Lucinda: He’s always stabbing you in the back!
Gretchen: More in the front. He’s not shy about it.
Christina: Reminds me of grandma.
Anthony: I never say this… I agree with your mother.
Gretchen: Are you sure? Didn’t you say I shouldn’t make waves?
Anthony: No, I said I understand the hesitation.
Toby: I don’t know what this is about, but I love vacation, so -
Christina: It’s not about vacation, doofus.
Anthony: Christina!
Christina: I’m an adult, that doesn’t work on me anymore.
Anthony: Really? Whose roof do you live under?
Christina: Sorry, Toby.
Gretchen: So you all feel like I should help Mary oust Hank?
Christina: Yes! He’s a menace!
Gretchen: Well, that’s settled. My most trusted advisors are all united on this one.
Lucinda: Maybe you can finally get something done if he goes!
Anthony: She gets plenty done!
Lucinda: Sure.
The next day…
Susana: Governor, Representative Raymond-Hoffman is here to see you.
Gretchen: You can just call her Mary.
Susana: Okay, Mary’s here.
Mary: Long time no see!
Gretchen: I know, Mare, I’ve been so busy. From what I’ve heard, so have you!
Mary: Yeah, the house is really time-consuming, considering the fact that like ten people live in our state.
Gretchen: That’s not really to what I was referring.
Mary: Oh, you know about… that.
Gretchen: Is that now what you’re here to meet about?
Mary: It certainly is, I just thought I’d have to explain it all to you.
Gretchen: What did Hank do to inspire this action?
Mary: He’s terrible at his job!
Gretchen: That, I will not argue with you about.
Mary: He stalls progress. You know that housing bill?
Gretchen: My administration’s main focus of the last two months? Yes, I’m familiar.
Mary: He’s not even trying to whip votes for it like he claims! He hasn’t asked a single person about it!
Gretchen: You’re joking.
Mary: Wish I was!
Gretchen: All right, I’ll do it.
Mary: Do what?
Gretchen: I’ll help you out. I’m going to come out in favor of it?
Mary: Wow, really? I thought that’d take far more convincing.
Gretchen: Mary, you just said that he’s been blatantly lying to me for the last eight weeks! I may have had a heart attack that stalled my end of progress, but what the hell’s he been doing in that time? They haven’t sent one actually-substantive bill to my desk in months!
Mary: I have a list of people who I believe are on the fence - mostly Democrats, but also a few Republicans.
Gretchen: I doubt I’ll hold much sway with the Grand Ole’ Party.
Mary: Yeah, I’d rather you focus your efforts on the Democrats.
Gretchen: What do you want me to do?
Mary: Call them, let them know you’ll have their back if they vote against Hank, that you support the motion to vacate.
Gretchen: You’re sure this can pass?
Mary: I can make it happen.
Gretchen: All right, get me that list.
Mary: One more thing…
Gretchen: Yes?
Mary: I’ve heard rumors you have some major dirt on him. That might be useful when you’re making those calls.
Gretchen: I don’t know if I can play that dirty.
Mary: What are you got on him?
Gretchen: It’s so personal, it’s really got nothing to do with the job.
Mary: Well, it was worth a try.
Gretchen: I’ll think about it, okay? Don’t look too defeated yet.
Mary: Thank you! You’re the best!
Gretchen: Hey, if you manage to get rid of my biggest headache in this place, YOU are the best.
Susana: Gretchen, the lieutenant governor is here.
Gretchen: Speaking of headaches… send her in.
Mary: I’ll leave you to deal with this while I go get that list together.
Gretchen: Thank you.
Samantha: Great news, Gretchen!
Gretchen: Is it about Hank? I’ve already decided, I’m coming out in support of the motion.
Samantha: Oh, you gotta be kidding me…
One week later…
Hank: RAYMOND!
Susana: Mr. Speaker, the governor is not -
Hank: I don’t care! Gretchen, what the hell is going on?
Gretchen: Hank! The soon-to-be-former Speaker! How the hell are you?
Hank: Why are members of my caucus telling me they’re getting calls from you suggesting they join your sister’s little rebellion?
Gretchen: Oh, because you’re terrible at your job!
Hank: We’re finally working together on something!
Gretchen: I’ve ben told that all this times you were “whipping votes,” you were just stalling.
Hank: That’s patently untrue.
Gretchen: Yeah, let’s say I believe you.
Hank: It is!
Gretchen: Hank, you betrayed me. You gave me your word, but that didn’t matter, you stabbed me right in the back and tried to kill my key piece of legislation.
Hank: Why are you talking like Olivia Rodrigo?
Gretchen: That’s not really the think you should be focusing on, Hank!
Hank: You’re not gonna win this fight, Gretchen.
Gretchen: Maybe not. But I’m done trying to appease you. I’m the governor, you’re just a little man who thinks too highly of himself. Please leave.
Hank: If you can’t find it in yourself to be professional, I am going to leave. I have no reason to talk with someone who operates the way that you do.
Gretchen: Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
Carol: I take it he’s found out?
Gretchen: Carol, would it be terrible of me to tell people about his little… incident?
Carol: The cheating? Don’t people know?
Gretchen: No, the fact that it was with an employee.
Carol: That would be low. I love low.
Gretchen: If it’s what it takes to get this done, then so be it. He has to go.
Three days later…
Gretchen: That was so unimaginably stupid!
Susana: How were any of us to know that dropping that bombshell about Hank cheating with his secretary would cause the Republicans to switch to opposing the motion?
Gretchen: This is not my first rodeo, I should’ve known better. Not everyone takes these things seriously enough.
Carol: Take you for example - you knew for years and said nothing!
Gretchen: Not the time, Carol.
Samantha: Hey, don’t beat yourself up! It only failed by one vote, they can try again some other time and get him out then!
Gretchen: Look at me, getting pick-me-ups from friggin’ Samantha Pratt! This is the pits. I’m a joke.
Samantha: Hey, you're in good company.
Gretchen: Am I?
What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
