Olivia is at a marina reopening when her phone begins to ring.
Fred: Honey, your purse is buzzing.
Olivia: It’s not what it looks like, I swear!
Fred: It looks like you’re getting a phone call.
Olivia: Oh, then it’s exactly what it looks like.
Fred: Will you be answering?
Olivia: Everyone’s already staring at me. I suppose I will. Hold down the fort for me, please.
Fred: Okay, I’ll, uh… well, I’m not sure what we’re actually doing here, really.
Olivia: Just smile and wave.
Olivia answers her phone.
Olivia: What’s up, dear? I’m on official business, it’ll have to be quick.
Todd: Mum, I have something to tell you. Could Margo and I come by your place for dinner tonight so we can talk with you?
Olivia: I think I know what it is, and I’m excited! I’ll make something good for us all.
Todd: Well, I don’t think it’s what you’re expecting, but see you tonight.
Olivia: Now you’re got me curious, see you soon!
Olivia hangs up.
Fred: Everything all right?
Olivia: I think so. He and Margo have some sort of big announcement.
Fred: Is she pregnant again?
Olivia: That’s sort of what I was thinking, but she’s a bit old, no?
Fred: She’s forty-three, stranger things have happened.
Olivia: You’re right, it could be. He said it’s not what I’m expecting, so I’m a bit perplexed.
Fred: Well, it’s no use guessing. We should get back to the smiling and waving.
Olivia: You’re right, we do need to do that. This country is built on our waves.
Later that night, at Olivia’s…
Olivia: You want any water, dears?
Gigi: I’m going to need some vodka to handle a night with Todd.
Todd: Why is she here, actually? I dint ask you to invite her. She bullies me.
Olivia: I decided to make it a full-blown dinner party. I’d feel guilty inviting you and not her.
Warren: We always appreciate the invite.
Todd: well, I’m glad to see you, Warren.
Gigi: Your words can’t hurt me, I don’t respect you enough for them to hurt me.
Olivia: So, no water?
Todd: I’m good. You, Margo?
Margo: I’m, uh, I’m fine.
Olivia: You look like a deer in the headlights.
Margo: I think we should tell them now, Todd.
Todd: Mum made dinner, we could at least enjoy it first. She worked hard.
Fred: I worked hard. Your mother cut the bread and cheese.
Olivia: It’s not a competition.
Margo: We can still enjoy the dinner after we tell them.
Todd: Can we?
Olivia: Tell us what?
Todd: Fine, we can tell them now.
Gigi: If you think I care, you are sadly mistaken.
Fred: Can you not, please? This is clearly something important.
Gig: Fine, fine. I’ll sit in silence like a dunce.
Todd: Margo and I have decided to get a divorce.
Olivia: Fred, did he just say -
Fred: I believe so.
Olivia: Say the words, Fred.
Fred: They’re getting divorced.
Olivia: Well, I don’t suppose we both need hearing aids, so, what happened?
Gigi: Who cheated?
Olivia: They would never!
Margo: No one cheated.
Todd: I know it’s cliche, but we truly did just drift apart. We still love each other, we’re still close, it’s just in a different way.
Margo: For example, one night last year -
Olivia: Last year? You’ve felt this way for a year?
Marge: He touched my breasts, and it made me feel so physically repulsed that I threw up in my mouth.
Gigi: That doesn't sound like a blissful marriage, you’re right. May be time to pack it in.
Olivia: Last year? You’ve felt this way for a year?
Todd: We did a trial separation. You know, see if she stops feeling repulsed by the thought of my hand grazing her body.
Margo: When that proved unfruitful, we were ready to announce it, but then everything started to happen.
Olivia: What is “everything?”
Gigi: It’s a word, it means “all-encompassing.”
Olivia: Shut up!
Gigi: Just trying to lighten the mood!
Todd: Grandpa died, and you rejoined the Royal Family, and started taking on a lot of work. It just did not feel like the right time to dump this all on you.
Olivia: My god. My own child was going through the crumbling of his marriage, and I was too caught up in my own world for him to even feel comfortable telling me about it.
Todd: It’s not your fault! Not at all, mum!
Olivia: Whose fault is it, then? The neighbor’s?
Warren: You have neighbors?
Margo: We both would’ve wanted to keep quiet about ti for a while, anyway. We had to make sure we were one hundred percent certain about it before we told a single soul.
Olivia: So it’s over? No counseling?
Todd: We’re past that, trust me. This is for the best!
Olivia: Who’s getting the kids? Will I ever see Winter and June again?
Gigi: Well, winter is just around the corner, and you’re young enough, you should easily make it to next June.
Olivia: You’re not funny.
Gigi: I’m pretty funny. Someone’s gotta be the comic relief, the family’s falling apart.
Margo: I can assure you, it is not falling apart. You’ll be seeing me just as much as you do now. The girls, too. We’re sharing custody. Heck, we’re still living together and have no plans of changing that in the immediate future.
Fred: This has to be the most mature and amicable divorce I have ever seen.
Olivia: I know, and I’m traumatized!
Todd: Why are you traumatized?
Olivia: It bothers me that you didn’t feel you could tell me.
Todd: We’ve been over this! It wasn’t because we didn't feel we could tell you. You're the first one to hear about it, actually. We just didn’t want to add any more stress to the situation at that time. Trust me, if grandpa never died and grandma never abdicated, we’d have been divorced already.
Olivia: They do love to mess things up.
Todd: So you feel better? You ready for dinner?
Fred: I hope so, I put a lot into it!
Olivia: This is so bizarre.
Todd: You’ll get used to it. We did.
Olivia: That’s not the same thing!
Todd: You’re right, but not in the way you want to be right.
Two days later, at Buckingham Palace…
Claude: Madame Prime Minister, back again so soon? Oh dear.
Meredith: Every Wednesday, your majesty. Don’t you remember?
Claude: Of course I remember, I’m not you. I don’t forget that easily.
Meredith: What are you accusing me of?
Nothing, nothing. Though, you make so many political u-turns, I’m going to start calling you Tina.
Meredith: The lady’s not for turning!
Claude: You say that, and yet…
Meredith: The only turning I do is turning this country around!
Claude: Anyhow, you seem to have something weighing on you. You’re not your typical chipper self.
Meredith: To tell you the truth, your majesty, my daughter’s really been getting on my nerves.
Claude: Oh, I thought it was problems with Parliament. I can fully relate to child troubles. Mine drive me nuts.
Arthur: You know, I’m right here, papa.
Claude: Papa can’t hear you!
Arthur: I’m going to go if I’m not wanted. I’m not desperate!
Claude: That’s great, son. So, Prime Minister Truss. What is concerning you?
Meredith: Well, you know we’ve been working on a budget -
Claude: I mean with your daughter!
Meredith: The king is asking me about my daughter? How is this happening?
Claude: Don’t be so starstruck, I know you want me abolished.
Meredith: Technically, I said that about your mother. Moving on, my daughter is having boy troubles and she’s miserable and it’s making me miserable.
Claude: Oh, how old is she?
Meredith: Thirty-one.
Claude: That’s a bit older than I was expecting, to tell you the truth.
Meredith: Imagine being me.
Claude: So, uh - this is ridiculous, I might add - what’s going on with this boy?
Meredith: Well, he’s getting divorced, but he doesn’t want to tell anyone yet, while she is ready to take it public. It’s really ridiculous, but I’m not getting involved in it, no matter how much she cries to me about it.
Claude: If it were me, I would dump him. I’m just the king, though, it’s not my place to meddle.
Meredith: I haven’t told you the best part, though.
Claude: Oh, there’s more. Hooray.
Meredith: Her new guy is your nephew!
Claude: Todd? I’m not terribly close with him, by your daughter must be mistaken. Todd’s not getting divorced. Did she fall for a hoax? They ran a show in America about dating my son, but it was just some cheap imitation. Maybe someone did that with Todd and your daughter fell for it.
Meredith: With all due respect to your nephew, I don’t think he’s quite famous enough for that to be a lucrative scam. He must be keeping secrets from you, that’s not too uncommon in normal families.
Claude: Normal families? Are you implying something?
Meredith: I wouldn’t say the Royal Family is representative of the average family in Britain.
Claude: You always have to get your digs in!
Meredith: It wasn’t meant negatively, I promise.
Claude: I think this is psychological warfare.
Meredith: Can we talk about the country now? People would be beyond embarrassed if they thought the King didn’t respect the PM enough to even discuss running the country with her and gossiped with her instead.
Claude: I guess we can do that, if you insist.
The next day…
Olivia: Is there a particular reason for this family meeting?
Christine: Oh, you really got us in a doozy now.
Olivia: Whatever I did, I’m sorry and I didn’t mean it.
Ethan: I wasn’t told what happened, so don’t look at me.
Eleanor: Olivia, we have concerns.
Olivia: That much I could tell.
Eleanor: They’re about Todd.
Olivia: Did he Twitter again?
Claire: Twitter’s not a verb.
Olivia: Like I care.
Claude: I spoke with Lady Trayman -
Olivia: Oh, that idiot. I’m surprised you were able to carry on any conversation with her, she’s a bit simple.
Claude: I don’t think you’d find anyone to disagree with that.
Olivia: The Tories might, they elected her somehow.
Claire: Well, you know what I say? Tories and disastrous PMs go together like fish and chips.
Ethan: How is this woman still in office? I know it’s been two weeks, but what a mess.
Eleanor: Everyone, stop making comments about our incompetent Prime Minister! My incompetent grandson is the topic at hand.
Christine: Well, they sure do go together, seeing as Trayman’s gonna be Toddie’s new mum-in-law.
Olivia: What?
Fred: Honey, you look ill.
Olivia: I feel ill! What are you trying to say, Christine?
Claude: I was supposed to ease her into it!
Christine: That wasn’t easing, that was dancing around the issue.
Olivia: I still don’t know what, exactly, the issue is.
Claude: Todd, your Todd -
Ethan: For the love of Todd!
Arthur: So help me Todd!
Claire: Todd help me!
Claude: Yeah, him. He is dating Meredith Trayman’s daughter.
Olivia: Are you kidding me?
Eleanor: It’s a regular Romeo and Juliet situation, isn’t it?
Christine: This is worse.
Arthur: That ended in both of them dying, I hope it’s not worse.
Christine: Juliet’s mom didn’t want Romeo’s entire family to be abolished.
Claire: I would argue with that.
Olivia: What do you all want me to do? I’m not exactly Trayman’s biggest fan myself, I’m not happy with this.
Claude: We just thought you needed to know. It’s your son, you can handle it however you see fit.
Christine: This can’t get out, though. You know it, we know it. Their little rendezvous has to end.
Eleanor: I have to ask, dear. Why did you not tell me about Todd’s marital problems?
Olivia: I only found out a few days ago. I was waiting to tell you in person.
Eleanor: I take it he was the one who wanted the divorce.
Olivia: They said it was amicable, they just grew apart. They became ships in the night, you know?
Christine: Yeah, now he’s docking in someone else’s port.
Olivia: Don’t say that about my child, please.
Eleanor: What are you going to say to him?
Olivia: I don’t know. He’s a grown man.
Claire: None of us like this, and Trayman is rubbish, but you have to let Todd make his own decisions. He’s forty years old, you can’t control him forever.
Arthur: Yes, we saw how well it went when papa tried to control Nathan.
Claude; I never tried to control Nathan!
Christine; Do you not recall the family meeting about it?
Claude: I was only asking for thoughts on the engagement, that is all.
Eleanor: Darling, you know that isn’t the truth.
Claude: I’m not going to be talked to like this!
Olivia: Okay, so I drove all the way to London for a family meeting that could’ve been a phone call? I don’t even have to do anything with Todd? You really are a bunch of gossip hounds.
Eleanor: Talk to him, that’s all. See where his head’s at, what his intentions are with the Trayman girl.
Olivia: Isn’t that Meredith’s job?
Ethan: You want to invite that to your house?
Olivia: God, no. I’d rather die.
Ethan: Then you have to do it.
Christine: Imagine being Claude, he has to have her inches house once a week.
Eleanor: It’s my house!
Claude: It’s not mine or yours.
Eleanor: Wrong.
Olivia: Anyone else have anything they’d like to add about my son’s relationship?
Christine: No, I think we’ve about covered it.
Two days later…
Todd: Two visits in a week? What did I do to get deserve such an honor? And without Gigi this time!
Gigi: I’m here! Just late!
Todd: Oh...
Olivia: Honey, I know who you’ve been dating.
Todd: Oh…
Gigi: Things have really taken a turn for you over the past thirty seconds.
Olivia: Meredith Trayman’s daughter? Todd, really?
Gigi: This is so funny to me, I’m sorry.
Todd: She’s a wonderful girl, we connect so well.
Olivia: I don’t care how you connect, and I sincerely hope that’s not a euphemism for anything else.
Todd: Norah and I love spending time with each other.
Olivia: She’s still a Trayman!
Gigi: Mom is so upset, she turned into Olivia Rodrigo. God, she wishes Todd had thought this through before he went and fell in love with her.
Olivia: Are you in love with her? Is she just a rebound?
Todd: I don’t know what it is, she just makes me happy. I met her at uncle Claude’s coronation -
Olivia: What was Trayman doing at the coronation? She’s a republican! That would be like a vegetarian going to a meat convention.
Todd: A meat convention?
Olivia: I couldn’t think of a metaphor quick enough.
Todd: Norah isn’t like her mother.
Olivia: Good to know you’re not dating an ignorant simpleton.
Todd: It’s my life.
Olivia: That I agree with. I’m not happy about it, but I’m not going to do anything to stop this. It’s not my place. I wish you well, Todd.
Gigi: Mom? Really?
Olivia: I saw firsthand what happened when a parent forbid a relationship for an adult child. I’m not doing that.
Todd: So we can be seen in public together?
Olivia: The rest of the family’s not going to be happy about it one bit, but yeah, you can. At the very least, it’ll be a big headache for Trayman.
Todd: Do you want to meet her?
Olivia: Baby steps, Todd.
Todd: Sorry.
Olivia: You’re just excited, happens to the best of us.
Gigi: And also to Todd.
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return for the new episode next week!
