Betty: I’m going to the cemetery, everyone!
Ralph: Already? But you’re still breathing!
Betty: To visit, not to be put in the ground!
Karl: Would anyone like to join us?
Teri: To clarify: you want us to visit the cemetery… for fun?
Betty: To pay respect to your grandparents. Not just for fun.
Teri: In my defense, you didn’t specify which cemetery.
Jerry: What cemetery were you under the impression she was visiting? The one from Halloween?
Steven: I love Halloween!
Cindy: Yes, honey, we’re aware.
Velma: Please don’t put on the Michael Myers mask. I want to be able to sleep tonight.
Steven: If you insist…
Velma: Tammi, your kid’s creepy. You know that, right?
Tammi: Well aware.
Teri: He got it from his father.
Frank: Hey, which one of us is married, Teri?
Teri: Shut up!
Jerry: Hell, Steven’s in a more serious relationship than Teri!
Teri: I’m not looking right now, shut up!
Danielle: He’s in a relationship with a DeFleur, too. That’s nuts!
Ralph: Are you trying to send my mother to an early grave?
Betty: Speaking of grave… last call!
Karl: Doesn’t look like we’ve got any takers.
Betty: What a waste of time, asking all of you.
Teri: You have fun, okay?
Betty: Have fun? We’re not going to the movies!
Velma: You better not be! I’d go to the movies!
Betty: Cemetery not good enough for you, then?
Velma: Not in mid-October. I’m scared.
Danielle: God, you sound like me.
Teri: The girl from Bensonhurst is scared of Halloween? Dear lord.
Betty: I don’t have enough time to yell at you all, so I’m just going to go now. See you all later.
One hour later, at the cemetery…
Betty: Karl, where in the heck are you?
Karl: Sorry, dear. Carrying two heavy flower pots up a hill is far easier said than done.
Betty: That doesn’t sound so easy, either.
Karl: Could you help, then?
Betty: You know I have such spaghetti arms. They’ll snap.
Karl: Okay, sure. I’ll be up as soon as I can.
Betty: Thanks, you’re a doll!
Karl: Oh, it’s no p-
Betty: Ahhh!
Karl: What’s wrong? Is there a spider on the tombstone? This is the outdoors, honey, that’s where they’re supposed to live.
Betty: Where they’re supposed to live is under my foot. But no, that’s not it, come here and look.
Karl: I’m trying as I can to get there. This is a heavy burden for me to carry up the hill.
Betty: Just set the flowers down and come here.
Karl: Set them down where? With Mr. and Mrs. Jamison?
Betty: Who cares? We’ll come back for them. Right now… urgent business to attend to.
Karl: All right, I must ask. What am I looking at here? What was the urgent business?
Betty: Look at mom’s stone!
Karl: Did someone do something to it? Maybe on the side not visible to me?
Betty: Look at it! With your eyes!
Karl: Spell it out for me, please.
Betty: It’s faded, you can’t read it! None of it! If it weren’t for dad’s stone, I’ve never have even known this was her stone.
Karl: You know, you’re right. It is pretty faded.
Betty: Of course I’m right, I’m not crazy!
Karl: W-
Betty: Don’t even start.
Karl: What are you going to do about the stone?
Betty: I’m going to go to office and complain. The cemetery is obviously responsible, so they have to fix it.
Karl: Just say your respects here first, okay? We’re getting out of here as soon as you’re done in the office.
Betty: What’s the matter, you scared of the cemetery?
Karl: Well, it is Halloween. I do sort of get the heebie-jeebies here.
Betty: Ah, you’re scared!
Karl: Must you make fun of me for it?
Betty: Just a little. Now, come on, let’s go to the office.
Karl: I’m not going.
Betty: You’re not joining me? You wanna be left here alone? In the scary cemetery?
Karl: I have to haul the flowers up here yet.
Betty: Oh, yeah. That’s right. see you back at the car, then.
Karl: See you then.
Twenty minutes later…
Betty: You look pissed. I wasn’t gone that long!
Karl: A security guard accosted me for “stealing” the flowers from the Jamison graves because I set them near them when you called me up to check out the stone. So I had to leave the flowers there.
Betty: I didn’t have much more luck than you.
Karl: I narrowly avoided arrest.
Betty: Honey, a cemetery security guard doesn’t have the authority to arrest anyone. Heck, I don’t even know if they have a security guard. You may have been talking to a ghost!
Karl: Moving on, uh, how bad was your meeting?
Betty: You’re going to be shocked to hear this one: they said there’s nothing they can do.
Karl: I think we’re cursed.
Betty: Happy Halloween!
Karl: How can they not do anything? It’s a stone in their own cemetery.
Betty: They said since they’re only the cemetery and not the makers of the tombstone, they can’t help, only the stone crafter can.
Karl: So who made the stone?
Betty: Hell if I remember! It’s been fifteen years almost!
Karl: Oh, I am aware.
Betty: I’ll have to look through my old records to find it. I know it’s there somewhere.
Karl: So we’re going home then?
Betty: Yes, home it is!
Karl: Good, the sun’s starting to go down. Don’t like that one bit.
That night, when Betty and Karl return home…
Jerry: So, how was the trip to the cemetery? See any ghosts?
Betty: It was awful! And, yes, I think Karl saw a ghost.
Karl: I did not.
Cindy: It’s okay to admit it, dad. We all know the truth.
Teri: That you’re a loon? Yes, we do all know that. It is painfully clear, Venkman.
Cindy: The Ghostbusters are cool, so that is not a burn.
Velma: What made the trip so bad?
Danielle: Thank you for changing the subject, that was painful.
Betty: Mom’s stone is faded. Look.
Tammi: Wow, that’s awful!
Betty: I know. And I don’t know who to get into contact with to fix it.
Frank: Can’t the cemetery help you?
Betty: What a stupid idea, Frank. Shut up.
Karl: She already asked the cemetery for help, they said there’s nothing they can do.
Frank: Figured as much from the fiery response.
Betty: You make me angry! Angry!
Tammi: He didn’t do anything, grandma.
Betty: He put forth a stupid idea, that’s something.
Teri: What are you going to do about it, mom? Chisel a new stone yourself?
Frank: She better get mad at that idea if she went off on me for mine.
Betty: Teri’s was clearly a joke, and I need a laugh right now. Thank you, Teri.
Teri: No problem!
Frank: You can’t be for real.
Betty: I have to call whoever it is that we ordered the tombstone from. I have no idea who that was, though.
Teri: Are you just going to call every tombstone maker in Virginia? How about West Virginia? Maryland?
Betty: I’m going to look through my papers and find the order form for it.
Mitchell: I’m sure that’ll be quick. There aren’t many papers in this house.
Velma: Why are you so negative?
Mitchell: I tell it like it is.
Velma: So do I. You’re a bum.
Betty: Take this as an official request for someone to help me look through my documents tomorrow. I know it’s filed somewhere safe, it shouldn’t take too long.
Teri: Maybe Ralph can take some time off from mourning Liz Truss to do it.
Ralph: I am not mourning her, I am laughing at her. There’s a difference.
Jerry: Who the hell is Liz Truss?
Ralph: The Frank of the United Kingdom.
Frank: I don’t know what that means, but I know it wasn’t a compliment.
Ralph: It’s a little unfair to Liz, but mostly fitting.
Danielle: I’ll help you find it. No one else seems like they’re gonna step up, and I have nothing else to do, so I might as well have a conscience and help you out.
Betty: See that, kids? Some people care, even if you don’t.
Cindy: I have to work tomorrow, mom.
Betty: So do I!
Jerry: I’ll bet you ten bucks she doesn’t show up to the store tomorrow.
Mitchell: I know she won’t show up either, so that’s not a bet I’m going to take.
Jerry: Dammit, thought I could get some easy money.
The next day…
Betty: Any of you can join in and help us if you want. Just because you didn’t speak up last night doesn’t mean you can’t help now.
Danielle: Ah, look at them, all pretending they can’t hear you.
Velma: It’s a damn shame my room was soundproofed recently, can’t hear anything going on out there.
Tammi: Wow, I’ve never been swamped like this before!
Ralph: I just don’t want to help. I don’t want a paper cut, for one.
Danielle: I think I found something, anyway.
Betty: No, that’s just a deed for the cemetery plot.
Danielle: Wouldn’t they be near one another?
Betty: I hope so. This is really tedious.
Danielle: I think I found it, right here.
Betty: I can barely read it, it’s so faded. Clearly, they used the same thing on their receipt paper that they used on their tombstones.
Danielle: Do you want your glasses?
Betty: No, I have my contacts in. I need young eyes. Steven?
Steven: Did I do something wrong?
Betty: Aside from dating that DeFleur girl? No. I just need your help with this. Can you read the name of the company on this paper and their phone number?
Steven: I’ll try.
Danielle: If even he can’t read it, we are truly screwed.
Steven: Lakey Memorial Crafters is the name, I think.
Betty: Sounds generic. They really put no thought into that name, no wonder I forgot it. The phone number, please?
Steven: 840-6161.
Betty: Thank you, that really helps.
Steven: Is that all?
Betty: Yes, but I will call you back if I find out you’re talking to Anita’s girl.
Tammi: Grandma, stop!
Betty: I’m only messing with him!
Danielle: So, are we done here?
Betty: Yes, thank you very much!at went much faster than I expected thanks to your help.
Danielle; It took a full hour.
Betty: I know, I had it pegged for a three hour job. Look at all these papers here.
Danielle: Let me clean these up, you go ahead and call. I know how much this is weighing on your mind.
Betty: Thank you. This is why you’re one of my favorite members of the family.
Danielle: I’m not even really a member of the family.
Betty: That’s what makes you so great!
Ten minutes later…
Betty: I’m not getting an answer. It just keeps on ringing.
Danielle: That bill was how old, ten years? They could have changed their number since then. Maybe just look it up.
Betty: Yeah, I’ll do that.
Danielle: I’ll keep cleaning up, since this room still looks like a tornado tore through it.
Betty: Danielle, I need help.
Danielle: With what?
Betty: I didn’t remember the name of the place.
Danielle: Just hand me the phone, I’ll look it up.
Betty: Sounds like a plan to me.
Danielle: Oh boy…
Betty: That sounds bad.
Danielle: Well, it’s not great. The stone place shut down in 2016.
Betty: Thanks a lot, Liz Truss!
Danielle: Yeah, like she was in charge of anything six years ago. Couldn’t even hold on six days, let alone six years.
Tammi: Who is this woman everyone keeps talking about?
Velma: Isn’t she the lady that looks like lettuce?
Ralph: Okay, so she -
Betty: Enough Liz Truss! I am in a crisis!
Ralph: We can see.
Betty: I think I need to just lay down for a bit. Cry. Do what I can to get my mind off it.
Danielle: Okay, you do that.
Tammi: You want me to get you up then?
Betty: No, I’ll crawl out of bed whenever I snap out of this.
Tammi: Don’t get too down about it. Memsy wouldn’t want that.
Betty walks upstairs to bed.
Danielle: Okay, what are we going to do about this?
Velma: It’s a lot of money, Danielle. I don’t know what we can do. It’s not really a pressing matter, is it?
Tammi: I have an idea. It might not work, but it could. Steven, come here.
Steven: What did I do now?
Tammi: You keep asking that, is there something I should be worried about?
Jerry: Just tell me you didn’t follow in my footsteps in regards to, you know…
Steven: No! I did nothing!
Tammi: Okay, Mr. DeFleur does engraving, does he not?
Steven: I think so?
Tammi: Can you ask Alysa to ask her dad if he would engrave my memmy’s gravestone for us? I don’t know what he’d charge, but it’s worth asking.
Steven: I can ask. Mrs. DeFleur doesn’t like grandma Betty, though.
Velma: It can’t hurt. Well, maybe it can when Anita’s involved. She might drop a dynamite stick on the stone.
Tammi: Did you see what it looks like? Dynamite would be an improvement.
Two days later, there is a knock on the door.
Cindy: I’ll get it!
Betty: I sense evil. It’s either a murderer, a Jehovah’s Witness, or Anita. I don’t know which of those is the scariest option.
Cindy opens the door.
Cindy: How in the hell -
Anita: Shh! Is your daughter here?
Cindy: Tammi, it’s for you!
Tammi: Coming!
Cindy: She’s coming.
Anita: I appreciate it. I don’t have all day.
Tammi: What’s up, Anita? Did our kids get into trouble?
Anita: No, they’re perfectly fine. This is about the request for the stone.
Tammi: Oh, right!
Anita: My husband will do it for free. I urged against it, but he felt bad about the whole thing and didn’t want you all to have to pay.
Tammi: Are you joking?
Anita: Do I joke?
Tammi: You’re serious?! Thank you! I could hug you!
Anita: No. No, you could not.
Tammi: Always a pleasure, Anita.
Anita: Send a rough design of what you want on the stone in an email, he’ll get it done soon.
Tammi: This is the nicest thing you’ve ever done, aside from allowing our children to see one another.
Anita: Oh, that was entirely thanks to your grandmother. I’m still furious, but nothing I can do.
Tammi: That warms the heart.
One week later…
Cindy: Mom, you have to come see this cute cat video I just saw on Instagram.
Teri: No one ever shows me cat videos!
Cindy: This is one I think mom in particular would love.
Teri: You just don’t want to show me. Fine.
Ralph: You always hog the phone when anyone shows you something!
Teri: I have bad eyes!
Ralph: And ears, and nose, and teeth…
Tammi: I saw the video she’s talking about, it’s really wonderful.
Betty: Okay, I’m coming, I’m coming. This better be cute!
Mitchell: Let me see, too!
Velma: Mitchell, let Betty have her moment.
Mitchell: I don’t think me seeing a cute cat video wi-
Betty: You didn’t!
Tammi: Surprised?
Betty: How did you get this done without me knowing? This must have cost a fortune!
Tammi: It was all, shockingly, done out of the goodness of one man’s heart.
Betty: Karl’s?
Karl: I have no idea what you’re even talking about.
Tammi: Anita’s husband Ted did it.
Jerry: And all we had to do was sell Steven to them for their daughter. Fair trade, no?
Betty: This has to be a sick joke.
Tammi: No, shockingly not. Anita seems to just be the rotten one in a good bunch.
Betty: I’m gonna have to go and see this in person to make sure it’s real.
Karl: Maybe someone else will join us this time to carry a flower arrangement for me?
Betty: Highly doubt that.
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
