Our House Season 5 Episode 4 - Our Tombstone

Our House Season 5, Episode 4
Our Tombstone

Betty: I’m going to the cemetery, everyone!

Ralph: Already? But you’re still breathing!

Betty: To visit, not to be put in the ground!

Karl: Would anyone like to join us?

Teri: To clarify: you want us to visit the cemetery… for fun?

Betty: To pay respect to your grandparents. Not just for fun.

Teri: In my defense, you didn’t specify which cemetery.

Jerry: What cemetery were you under the impression she was visiting? The one from Halloween?

Steven: I love Halloween!

Cindy: Yes, honey, we’re aware.

Velma: Please don’t put on the Michael Myers mask. I want to be able to sleep tonight.

Steven: If you insist…

Velma: Tammi, your kid’s creepy. You know that, right?

Tammi: Well aware.

Teri: He got it from his father.

Frank: Hey, which one of us is married, Teri?

Teri: Shut up!

Jerry: Hell, Steven’s in a more serious relationship than Teri!

Teri: I’m not looking right now, shut up!

Danielle: He’s in a relationship with a DeFleur, too. That’s nuts!

Ralph: Are you trying to send my mother to an early grave?

Betty: Speaking of grave… last call!

Karl: Doesn’t look like we’ve got any takers.

Betty: What a waste of time, asking all of you.

Teri: You have fun, okay?

Betty: Have fun? We’re not going to the movies!

Velma: You better not be! I’d go to the movies!

Betty: Cemetery not good enough for you, then?

Velma: Not in mid-October. I’m scared.

Danielle: God, you sound like me.

Teri: The girl from Bensonhurst is scared of Halloween? Dear lord.

Betty: I don’t have enough time to yell at you all, so I’m just going to go now. See you all later. 

One hour later, at the cemetery…

Betty: Karl, where in the heck are you?

Karl: Sorry, dear. Carrying two heavy flower pots up a hill is far easier said than done.

Betty: That doesn’t sound so easy, either.

Karl: Could you help, then?

Betty: You know I have such spaghetti arms. They’ll snap.

Karl: Okay, sure. I’ll be up as soon as I can.

Betty: Thanks, you’re a doll!

Karl: Oh, it’s no p-

Betty: Ahhh!

Karl: What’s wrong? Is there a spider on the tombstone? This is the outdoors, honey, that’s where they’re supposed to live.

Betty: Where they’re supposed to live is under my foot. But no, that’s not it, come here and look.

Karl: I’m trying as I can to get there. This is a heavy burden for me to carry up the hill.

Betty: Just set the flowers down and come here.

Karl: Set them down where? With Mr. and Mrs. Jamison?

Betty: Who cares? We’ll come back for them. Right now… urgent business to attend to.

Karl: All right, I must ask. What am I looking at here? What was the urgent business?

Betty: Look at mom’s stone!

Karl: Did someone do something to it? Maybe on the side not visible to me?

Betty: Look at it! With your eyes!

Karl: Spell it out for me, please.

Betty: It’s faded, you can’t read it! None of it! If it weren’t for dad’s stone, I’ve never have even known this was her stone.

Karl: You know, you’re right. It is pretty faded.

Betty: Of course I’m right, I’m not crazy!

Karl: W-

Betty: Don’t even start.

Karl: What are you going to do about the stone?

Betty: I’m going to go to office and complain. The cemetery is obviously responsible, so they have to fix it.

Karl: Just say your respects here first, okay? We’re getting out of here as soon as you’re done in the office.

Betty: What’s the matter, you scared of the cemetery?

Karl: Well, it is Halloween. I do sort of get the heebie-jeebies here.

Betty: Ah, you’re scared!

Karl: Must you make fun of me for it?

Betty: Just a little. Now, come on, let’s go to the office.

Karl: I’m not going.

Betty: You’re not joining me? You wanna be left here alone? In the scary cemetery?

Karl: I have to haul the flowers up here yet.

Betty: Oh, yeah. That’s right. see you back at the car, then.

Karl: See you then.

Twenty minutes later…

Betty: You look pissed. I wasn’t gone that long!

Karl: A security guard accosted me for “stealing” the flowers from the Jamison graves because I set them near them when you called me up to check out the stone. So I had to leave the flowers there.

Betty: I didn’t have much more luck than you.

Karl: I narrowly avoided arrest.

Betty: Honey, a cemetery security guard doesn’t have the authority to arrest anyone. Heck, I don’t even know if they have a security guard. You may have been talking to a ghost!

Karl: Moving on, uh, how bad was your meeting?

Betty: You’re going to be shocked to hear this one: they said there’s nothing they can do.

Karl: I think we’re cursed.

Betty: Happy Halloween!

Karl: How can they not do anything? It’s a stone in their own cemetery.

Betty: They said since they’re only the cemetery and not the makers of the tombstone, they can’t help, only the stone crafter can.

Karl: So who made the stone?

Betty: Hell if I remember! It’s been fifteen years almost!

Karl: Oh, I am aware.

Betty: I’ll have to look through my old records to find it. I know it’s there somewhere.

Karl: So we’re going home then?

Betty: Yes, home it is!

Karl: Good, the sun’s starting to go down. Don’t like that one bit.

That night, when Betty and Karl return home…

Jerry: So, how was the trip to the cemetery? See any ghosts?

Betty: It was awful! And, yes, I think Karl saw a ghost.

Karl: I did not.

Cindy: It’s okay to admit it, dad. We all know the truth.

Teri: That you’re a loon? Yes, we do all know that. It is painfully clear, Venkman.

Cindy: The Ghostbusters are cool, so that is not a burn.

Velma: What made the trip so bad?

Danielle: Thank you for changing the subject, that was painful.

Betty: Mom’s stone is faded. Look.

Tammi: Wow, that’s awful!

Betty: I know. And I don’t know who to get into contact with to fix it.

Frank: Can’t the cemetery help you?

Betty: What a stupid idea, Frank. Shut up.

Karl: She already asked the cemetery for help, they said there’s nothing they can do.

Frank: Figured as much from the fiery response.

Betty: You make me angry! Angry!

Tammi: He didn’t do anything, grandma.

Betty: He put forth a stupid idea, that’s something.

Teri: What are you going to do about it, mom? Chisel a new stone yourself?

Frank: She better get mad at that idea if she went off on me for mine.

Betty: Teri’s was clearly a joke, and I need a laugh right now. Thank you, Teri.

Teri: No problem!

Frank: You can’t be for real.

Betty:  I have to call whoever it is that we ordered the tombstone from. I have no idea who that was, though.

Teri: Are you just going to call every tombstone maker in Virginia? How about West Virginia? Maryland?

Betty: I’m going to look through my papers and find the order form for it.

Mitchell: I’m sure that’ll be quick. There aren’t many papers in this house.

Velma: Why are you so negative?

Mitchell: I tell it like it is.

Velma: So do I. You’re a bum.

Betty: Take this as an official request for someone to help me  look through my documents tomorrow. I know it’s filed somewhere safe, it shouldn’t take too long.

Teri: Maybe Ralph can take some time off from mourning Liz Truss to do it.

Ralph: I am not mourning her, I am laughing at her. There’s a difference.

Jerry: Who the hell is Liz Truss?

Ralph: The Frank of the United Kingdom.

Frank: I don’t know what that means, but I know it wasn’t a compliment.

Ralph: It’s a little unfair to Liz, but mostly fitting.

Danielle: I’ll help you find it. No one else seems like they’re gonna step up, and I have nothing else to do, so I might as well have a conscience and help you out.

Betty: See that, kids? Some people care, even if you don’t.

Cindy: I have to work tomorrow, mom.

Betty: So do I!

Jerry: I’ll bet you ten bucks she doesn’t show up to the store tomorrow.

Mitchell: I know she won’t show up either, so that’s not a bet I’m going to take.

Jerry: Dammit, thought I could get some easy money.

The next day…

Betty: Any of you can join in and help us if you want. Just because you didn’t speak up last night doesn’t mean you can’t help now.

Danielle: Ah, look at them, all pretending they can’t hear you.

Velma: It’s a damn shame my room was soundproofed recently, can’t hear anything going on out there.

Tammi: Wow, I’ve never been swamped like this before!

Ralph: I just don’t want to help. I don’t want a paper cut, for one.

Danielle: I think I found something, anyway.

Betty: No, that’s just a deed for the cemetery plot.

Danielle: Wouldn’t they be near one another?

Betty: I hope so. This is really tedious.

Danielle: I think I found it, right here.

Betty: I can barely read it, it’s so faded. Clearly, they used the same thing on their receipt paper that they used on their tombstones.

Danielle: Do you want your glasses?

Betty: No, I have my contacts in. I need young eyes. Steven?

Steven: Did I do something wrong?

Betty: Aside from dating that DeFleur girl? No. I just need your help with this. Can you read the name of the company on this paper and their phone number?

Steven: I’ll try.

Danielle: If even he can’t read it, we are truly screwed.

Steven: Lakey Memorial Crafters is the name, I think.

Betty: Sounds generic. They really put no thought into that name, no wonder I forgot it. The phone number, please?

Steven: 840-6161.

Betty: Thank you, that really helps.

Steven: Is that all?

Betty: Yes, but I will call you back if I find out you’re talking to Anita’s girl.

Tammi: Grandma, stop!

Betty: I’m only messing with him!

Danielle: So, are we done here?

Betty: Yes, thank you very much!at went much faster than I expected thanks to your help.

Danielle; It took a full hour.

Betty: I know, I had it pegged for a three hour job. Look at all these papers here.

Danielle: Let me clean these up, you go ahead and call. I know how much this is weighing on your mind.

Betty: Thank you. This is why you’re one of my favorite members of the family.

Danielle: I’m not even really a member of the family.

Betty: That’s what makes you so great!

Ten minutes later…

Betty: I’m not getting an answer. It just keeps on ringing.

Danielle: That bill was how old, ten years? They could have changed their number since then. Maybe just look it up.

Betty: Yeah, I’ll do that.

Danielle: I’ll keep cleaning up, since this room still looks like a tornado tore through it.

Betty: Danielle, I need help.

Danielle: With what?

Betty: I didn’t remember the name of the place.

Danielle: Just hand me the phone, I’ll look it up.

Betty: Sounds like a plan to me.

Danielle: Oh boy…

Betty: That sounds bad.

Danielle: Well, it’s not great. The stone place shut down in 2016.

Betty: Thanks a lot, Liz Truss!

Danielle: Yeah, like she was in charge of anything six years ago. Couldn’t even hold on six days, let alone six years.

Tammi: Who is this woman everyone keeps talking about?

Velma: Isn’t she the lady that looks like lettuce?

Ralph: Okay, so she -

Betty: Enough Liz Truss! I am in a crisis!

Ralph: We can see.

Betty: I think I need to just lay down for a bit. Cry. Do what I can to get my mind off it.

Danielle: Okay, you do that.

Tammi: You want me to get you up then?

Betty: No, I’ll crawl out of bed whenever I snap out of this.

Tammi: Don’t get too down about it. Memsy wouldn’t want that.
Betty walks upstairs to bed.

Danielle: Okay, what are we going to do about this?

Velma: It’s a lot of money, Danielle. I don’t know what we can do. It’s not really a pressing matter, is it?

Tammi: I have an idea. It might not work, but it could. Steven, come here.

Steven: What did I do now?

Tammi: You keep asking that, is there something I should be worried about?

Jerry: Just tell me you didn’t follow in my footsteps in regards to, you know…

Steven: No! I did nothing!

Tammi: Okay, Mr. DeFleur does engraving, does he not?

Steven: I think so?

Tammi: Can you ask Alysa to ask her dad if he would engrave my memmy’s gravestone for us? I don’t know what he’d charge, but it’s worth asking.

Steven: I can ask. Mrs. DeFleur doesn’t like grandma Betty, though.

Velma: It can’t hurt. Well, maybe it can when Anita’s involved. She might drop a dynamite stick on the stone.

Tammi: Did you see what it looks like? Dynamite would be an improvement.

Two days later, there is a knock on the door.

Cindy: I’ll get it!

Betty: I sense evil. It’s either a murderer, a Jehovah’s Witness, or Anita. I don’t know which of those is the scariest option.

Cindy opens the door.

Cindy: How in the hell -

Anita: Shh! Is your daughter here?

Cindy: Tammi, it’s for you!

Tammi: Coming!

Cindy: She’s coming.

Anita: I appreciate it. I don’t have all day.

Tammi: What’s up, Anita? Did our kids get into trouble?

Anita: No, they’re perfectly fine. This is about the request for the stone.

Tammi: Oh, right!

Anita: My husband will do it for free. I urged against it, but he felt bad about the whole thing and didn’t want you all to have to pay.

Tammi: Are you joking?

Anita: Do I joke?

Tammi: You’re serious?! Thank you! I could hug you!

Anita: No. No, you could not.

Tammi: Always a pleasure, Anita.

Anita: Send a rough design of what you want on the stone in an email, he’ll get it done soon.

Tammi: This is the nicest thing you’ve ever done, aside from allowing our children to see one another.

Anita: Oh, that was entirely thanks to your grandmother. I’m still furious, but nothing I can do.

Tammi: That warms the heart.

One week later…

Cindy: Mom, you have to come see this cute cat video I just saw on Instagram.

Teri: No one ever shows me cat videos!

Cindy: This is one I think mom in particular would love.

Teri: You just don’t want to show me. Fine.

Ralph: You always hog the phone when anyone shows you something!

Teri: I have bad eyes!

Ralph: And ears, and nose, and teeth…

Tammi: I saw the video she’s talking about, it’s really wonderful.

Betty: Okay, I’m coming, I’m coming. This better be cute!

Mitchell: Let me see, too!

Velma: Mitchell, let Betty have her moment.

Mitchell: I don’t think me seeing a cute cat video wi-

Betty: You didn’t!

Tammi: Surprised?

Betty: How did you get this done without me knowing? This must have cost a fortune!

Tammi: It was all, shockingly, done out of the goodness of one man’s heart.

Betty: Karl’s?

Karl: I have no idea what you’re even talking about.

Tammi: Anita’s husband Ted did it.

Jerry: And all we had to do was sell Steven to them for their daughter. Fair trade, no?

Betty: This has to be a sick joke.

Tammi: No, shockingly not. Anita seems to just be the rotten one in a good bunch.

Betty: I’m gonna have to go and see this in person to make sure it’s real.

Karl: Maybe someone else will join us this time to carry a flower arrangement for me?

Betty: Highly doubt that.

What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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