Our House Season 5 Episode 3 - Our Romeo & Juliet

Our House Season 5, Episode 3
Our Romeo & Juliet

Steven walks into the house and runs straight into his room.

Karl: What in the heck is his problem?

Betty: Maybe he’s having bathroom issues.

Teri: One would hope he’s not doing that in his bedroom.

Betty: I didn’t see where he ran off to, just that he did.

Teri: Tammi, you gonna go check on him?

Tammi: He’s a teenage boy, I don’t know if he wants his mother immediately rushing into his room to check up on him.

Velma: So what you’re saying is he wants a talk with Frank?

Betty: Who would ever want that?

Teri: Maybe he needs a man talk.

Betty: As if he could possibly get that with Frank.

Tammi: I know he’s invisible to you, but Frank is not home yet.

Betty: It has been blissfully peaceful today.

Teri: As if “bliss” could ever describe anything in this house.

Cindy: Tammi, you need to go talk to your son.

Tammi: If he gets mad at me, I’ll be so mad at you!

Cindy: I can live with that.

Tammi: I’m going to talk to Steven now. Anyone need anything from the hall closet first?

Mitchell: I could use a -

Velma: Get it yourself.

Tammi: Okay, I’m doing it. I’m willingly wandering into the bedroom of a teenage boy. The belly of the beast! God only knows what I’ll find!

Teri: Don’t worry, Tammi. Ariana Grande won’t let anything bad happen to you.

In Steven’s room…

Tammi: Honey… what’s going on?

Steven: Nothing.

Tammi: Two questions: Why are you under your sheets, and is it safe for me to lift them?

Steven: Why would it not be safe?

Tammi: No reason. No reason at all. So why are you hiding in here?

Steven: I don’t like talking about this.

Tammi: Did something happen in gym class? It’s perfectly normal to be afraid of climbing the rope, I was!

Steven: No. It’s Alysa. I feel about her the same way you feel about dad.

Tammi: Steven… you are fifteen! It’s too early to know that!

Steven: She’s so pretty and kind. My makes my heart race. It doesn’t matter, though. Josh Lann asked her out today and she said yes.

Tammi: Josh Lann? He’s a loser!

Steven: A loser who gets to go on a date with the prettiest girl in school!

Tammi: You are too young to get so singularly focused on anyone. That girl may be sweet, but there’s much more to love than being sweet. True love finds a way. Now, don’t wallow too long and get your homework done. I’ll take you for ice cream after dinner if you’re done by then.

Steven: Soft serve?

Tammi: Of course, whatever you want. Your grandfather may swing along if he knows, though.

Steven: That would be okay, grandpa has good advice.

Tammi: Steven, I love your grandfather very much. Teenage love advice is not an area where I’d take his advice.

Steven: Okay, I guess you’re right. Although, his mess-ups did lead to you and, eventually, me.

Tammi: Homework.

Tammi walks back out to the family room.

Teri: So… what’s wrong?

Tammi: His love life.

Danielle: Join the club, man!

Velma: If I ran off to my room every time I was having romantic problems, I’d never leave my bed!

Mitchell: Love you too, honey.

Cindy: I didn’t even realize he was in a relationship.

Jerry: Neither did I. What a stud!

Tammi: Dad, no.

Jerry: Don’t be such a snowflake.

Tammi: He’s not in a relationship, the girl he likes is just seeing some other boy and he’s upset. Normal teen stuff, it’ll pass.

Teri: Just tell him to put on the Olivia Rodrigo album and it'll make him feel better.

Danielle: Feel… better?

Teri: Just listen to the pain in Olivia’s voice. He will never have to hurt the way he knows that she does!

Ralph: Mom’s, like, a damn sociopath.

Betty: I said nothing. I was silent.

Ralph: That’s a shakeup.

Frank: Let me go talk to him. A father-son talk is what this situation calls for.

Betty: Ah, god! I didn’t see you slip in.

Tammi: He’s doing his homework, please don’t disturb him.

Frank: Homework can wait.

Teri: Excellent fathering skills. What a role model!

Frank walks into Steven’s bedroom.

Steven: What is with you guys today?

Frank: I’m here for support!

Steven: I’m good. Mom offered to take me for ice cream, we’re going for dinner if you let me get my homework done. I’m past it.

Frank: Bud, I don’t know who this girl is that you’re upset about, but she must be pretty special for you to react like this. So, if she really is that special, you need to take a leap of faith and tell her how you feel.

Steven: She’s with someone else. I can’t be a homewrecker!

Frank: I don’t think you’re using that work correctly, unless this girl and her new guy have already purchased an estate together.

Steven: Mom said I should find another girl I like and let Alysa go.

Frank: Your mother’s not always right. If I took that advice she gave you, well, neither of us would be here right now.

Steven: We’d be able to afford an even nicer house without living with all our family?

Frank: Eh… no. Your mother was seeing someone else when we first met, but I asked her out anyway. Sure, it was because I didn’t know she was seeing someone else, but still. That’s what I did. It ended up working out pretty well, don’t you think?

Steven: I don’t know about that.

Frank: Look, Steven. In the words of Billy Joel, tell her about it! Oh, and while we’re on the subject of one William Joel, your aunt Teri wanted you to have this.

Steven: Sour by Olivia Rodrigo?

Frank:: She says it’ll make you feel better. I’d trust her, she’s familiar with failed romance..

Steven: Is that… a CD? They still make those?

Frank: Ouch! You may as well have just called me old!

Steven: You are old!

Meanwhile, in the dining room…

Tammi: I know how selfish this sounds, but I’m sort of relieved that that girl is going out with some other boy. I’m not ready for Steven to start dating. He’s still my little baby!

Betty: My little baby was only a year older than yours is when that bozo knocked her up!

Jerry: And it created the ball of joy that is Tammi!

Tammi: Don’t even talk like that. 

Cindy: My little bundle of joy was two years older when that bozo in the room knocked her up!

Teri: I feel like I’m watching Dr. Phil.

Danielle: I was thinking Maury, but fake mustache doctor works, too.

Tammi: I mean it, guys. I’m having such a tough time with it.

Cindy: You’ll learn to live with it. I did. It hurts, but getting to see your kids grow up and flourish is so much more rewarding than holding them back and stopping their growth for the same of your own self.

Teri: That’s what mom tried to do with me, after how bad your mother screwed up.

Betty: I did not do that!

Karl: You did sleep in her bed with her until she was twelve.

Betty: She had night terrors! I had to protect her!

Teri: That’s a lie! I didn’t want that!

Tammi: It feels so sudden, though. I didn’t realize he even thought about about girls in that way.

Jerry: He’s at that age. Actually, he’s off to a later start than most.

Teri: Jerry’s definition of a “late start” and most people’s definition are certainly quite different.

Tammi: I know it’s all in the process of growing up. I just didn’t realize how quickly that could happen. It feels like fifteen years have gone by in a flash.

Karl: That’s life, honey. Time always seems to just fly by. Children get older, and I’m getting older too, as Stevie Nicks says.

Tammi: That song makes me cry.

Cindy: Wait until you can really relate to it. You’re not a grandmother yet, that’ll really slap you across the face.

Ralph: It’s funny, Cindy became a grandmother at a younger age than Teri is now, and she’s not a mother yet.

Teri: Thanks, Ralph. Now i’ll have to deal with mom asking when it’s going to happen.

Ralph: Happy to help!

Four days later, at Betty’s Boutique…

Betty: Security! Jerry, Mitchell, do something!

Mitchell: Did someone try to steal something?

Betty: Maybe you’d know if you weren’t “resting your eyes” instead of working.

Anita: Betty! We have to have a talk.

Betty: We’re closed.

Jerry: All right, me and Mitch are taking lunch. Want us to bring you back a sandwich?

Betty: If you leave me alone with her, you’re fired!

Mitchell: Well, it’s been nice.

Anita: You are so easy to trigger.

Betty: I would like to pull a trigger in your face.

Anita: Ah, so clever.

Betty: Why are you here?

Anita: I’m sick -

Betty: You’re dying? Oh well…

Anita: Sick of your family meddling in mine!

Betty: What are you talking about?

Karl walks into the store.

Karl: Oh, Anita’s here! I think I’m just going to go -

Betty: Don’t you even think of it.

Karl: Worth a try.

Betty: Answer me, Anita.

Anita: Your grandson is taking my daughter on a date tonight! They’re going to see the new Halloween, how romantic.

Betty: Are you joking?

Anita: I don’t joke.

Betty: That’s true, you have no sense of humor.

Anita: What are we going to do about this?

Betty: Your daughter is the girl he was so hung up on a few days ago? There’s no way a DeFleur is worth anywhere near that reaction.

Anita: Alysa’s been talking about him ever since they got back from camp. They’ve both been bit hard by the love bug. 

Betty: What about that boy she was seeing a few days ago?

Anita: She just did that to make Steven jealous.

Betty: How sneaky! She really is your daughter!

Anita: I taught her every trick I know. Sadly, now she’s used it for evil.

Betty: Dating my grandson is “evil”?

Anita: Yes, of course!

Betty: I don’t want them dating, either, but he’s a good boy. She’d be lucky to have him.

Anita: You’re seriously okay them dating? You want do joint family functions and see one another on Christmas and go on vacation together?

Betty: Nothing sounds worse! I want them broken up immediately!

Anita: Well, we’ll have to work together on that. We can’t split them up without each other’s help.

Karl: Or, you could just nature take its course. People never end up with their boyfriend or girlfriend from when they’re fifteen. Let them go on a few dates and then go their separate ways.

Betty: Karl, have you taken a look at our family?

Anita: Exactly! For all I know, your Steven will make me a grandmother by the time I’m forty!

Steven: I don’t think he’s going to time travel to 2007.

Anita: The point is, I don’t think you want to become a great-great grandmother, and knowing your family history -

Betty slaps Anita.

Mitchell: You guys are still yapping?

Betty: That was a fast lunch!

Jerry: We came back just in time to witness a misdemeanor act of battery.

Anita: I sort of deserved it, I did point out a cruel truth about her family. Hard pill to swallow, I suppose.

Betty: Anita, can we speak outside, away from these bozos?

Anita: I guess. It’ll get me away from the awful smell of that candle, at least.

Karl: I think it smells good!

Anita: You thought marrying Betty would be good. Your taste is questionable.

Karl: Always nice to see you, Anita.

Outside, on the sidewalk…

Betty: So how are we going to break them up?

Anita: Suddenly someone’s on board! I’m so influential.

Betty: Yes, you annoyed me so much, it made me realized that seeing you any more than I already have to would be hell.

Anita: I feel the same way about you!

Betty: So, what are we going to do about it? How do we get into the heads of two teenagers who think they’re in love?

Anita: We each have to defame the character of the other. I’ll rip Steven a new one while talking to Alysa, you do the same with Alysa when you talk to Steven.

Betty: You think that will work? They don’t listen to us to begin with. Plus, what could we believably say about a fifteen year old that would cause the other to flee.

Anita: You’re crazy. Think of some crazy lies.

Betty: I’ll try, I guess.

Anita: Just don’t tell anyone else what you’re doing! This is our secret!

Betty: This is the first and last time I will ever work with you.

Anita: Trust me, I feel the exact same way about you.

Later that night, at home…

Betty: Hey, Steven. I wanted to talk to you real quick before your date.

Steven: Sure, grandma Betty. What’s up?

Karl: Betty…

Betty: Stay out of it, Karl.

Karl: You worry me.

Jerry: She worries us all, join the club.

Betty: Steven, I know you’re going out with Alysa DeFleur. You know the problems I have with her mother, but I want you to know, I want you to have a great time tonight. All I want is for you to be happy and have fun and enjoy your life. Even if it’s with my sworn enemy’s daughter.

Steven: I really appreciate that, grandma Betty.

Karl: Very mature of you, dear.

Betty: Shh!

Tammi: Okay, enough chitchat from all of you. We have a movie to get to.

Jerry: Tammi, are you really going with him on his first date?

Tammi: It’s rated R! I have to go in with him. I promised him I’m walk out immediately, though.

Steven: Immediately!

Tammi: That’s what I said!

Ralph (whispering): Mom, I can’t believe you’re okay with all this.

Betty (whispering): You know, I’m really not. But Anita’s really melting down over it and knowing the pain it causes her just warms my heart.

Twenty minutes later, outside Anita’s house…

Anita: So, they’ll be back by eight?

Tammi: Nine. Movie’s two hours, and then I thought we could go for some ice cream.

Anita: Okay, nine. Let me know if it’ll be any later. Have fun, honey!

Alysa: I will, mom!

Tammi: Okay, see ya Anita!

Tammi drives away.

Alysa: I’m so excited! And nervous! I’ve never done this before.

Steven: Neither have I!

Alysa: Can you believe what my mom tried to tell me?

Steven: I’m scared.

Alysa: She said you got another girl pregnant and that you’re a “womanizer.”

Steven: That’s insane!

Tammi: It better be!

Steven: I’ve never been on a date before, let alone… you know.

Tammi: Again… that better be the case!

Alysa: I think she’s just trying to scare me because she hates your grandma.

Steven: Trust me, if we ever did anything, I will not get you pregnant. I took sex ed!

Tammi: None of that talk! None of it! I see how far her shirt is buttoned up right now, mister! It better be in the same place when I pick you up! Or maybe even higher. That’d be nice.

Steven: Mom! I’m just messing with you!

Tammi: I am your mother, you don’t mess with me! You mess with your aunt Teri and your grandma Betty. Not your dear old mom.

Alysa: Are you playing Olivia Rodrigo? I love Olivia Rodrigo!

Steven: Yeah, that was a gift from my aunt Teri when I was sad because you were going on a date with Josh Lann.

Alysa: I’m sorry for being a traitor. I just needed some way for you to notice me. That was all staged.

Tammi: Oh my god! That’s exactly how I got Steven’s father to notice me!

Alysa: It is?

Steven: Mom, you’re embarrassing me.

Tammi: We got ten more minutes until the theater, bud. Buckle up, it’s about to get much worse.

Steven: Don’t see how that’s possible.

Tammi: Oh, it’s possible! Let me pull over and show her the baby pictures!

Alysa: That would be so cute!

Tammi: He ate so many carrots once, he turned orange! We thought his kidneys were failing, it was a very memorable night in the emergency room.

Steven: Oh my god…

Tammi: You asked for it!

Steven: mom, let talk to my girlfriend in peace!

Alysa: Aww, girlfriend?

Steven: Yes, of course!

Tammi: I feel an aneurysm coming on suddenly.

Fifteen minutes later…

Tammi: Okay, kiddos. You guys go enjoy your violent Jamie Lee Curtis movie. I’ll be back here in two hours to pick you up.

Steven: Thank you, mom. For being so cool about this.

Tammi: I’m cool! Don’t be so surprised about it.

Steven: Remember, mom. Nine months until you’re a granny!

Tammi: You do that to me, you’ll be deader than Michael Myers better be after this movie ends!

What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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