Olivia and Fred are sitting at the dining room table eating breakfast.
Fred: Livie, you see this?
Olivia: How could I see it, Fred? You’ve been hogging the paper all morning.
Fred: Prime Minister Cromwell is in some hot water again.
Olivia: What’s the other top story? Water is wet?
Fred: It’s quite bad this time. Accused of abusing cocaine!
Olivia: Cocaine? Wow, was he partying with Gigi?
Fred: She does’t use cocaine, come on!
Olivia: You never know with her!
Fred: Well, there doesn’t seem to be too much of a question in this case - he definitely used it. Party guests are on record saying he was “doing lines.”
Olivia: I say he’s a man of the people. Who among us hasn’t let a bit loose at one point or the other.
Fred: You’re kidding, right?
Olivia: Of course! We can’t have a Prime Minister on the white stuff! He was incompetent enough when he was sober.
Fred: Do you think this is going to be the one?
Olivia: The one what?
Fred: The one that ends him. He’s been on thin ice forever.
Olivia: I thought the horse betting scandal was going to be “the one.” I clearly don’t have the proper insight on what it’ll take for them to dump this walking scandal of a man.
Meanwhile, at Buckingham Palace…
Claude: This man is an absolute embarrassment! Cocaine?
Claire: He do like, he do like, he do like… cocaine.
Arthur: Erica Clapton, stay out of this one.
Christine: Can you not just fire him? He serves on your discretion.
Eleanor: He can, but it’s relatively unprecedented.
Christine: So is a Prime Minister being caught on video using cocaine, no?
Eleanor: Catching it on video is quite unprecedented. PMs on drugs… less so.
Christine: Who else was on drugs?
Eleanor: That’s for me to know and only me.
Christine: Now I’m incredibly curious.
Arthur: This is not exactly his first scandal.
Claire: Or his second, or third, or fourth…
Eleanor: He obviously has to go, I just see no need for Claude to do it.
Claude: I agree. If he has any respect for the country, he’ll resign. If he doesn’t, then I’d hope his party does and they enact a vote of no confidence.
Arthur: Dad is expecting politicians to do the right thing, how funny!
Christine: What will you do if no one does anything?
Claude: I will call him myself. I can’t let our country get embarrassed like this constantly. He got in a Twitter feud with Olivia Rodrigo last week!
Claire: Honestly, not the Olivia I was excepting him to feud with.
Christine: Olivia Colman doesn’t have Twitter, or she probably would’ve jumped in first.
Claire: Not that Olivia, either.
Arthur: I just can’t believe my father knows who Olivia Rodrigo is.
Claude: I’m hip! I’m cool. I watch the BRITs. Traitor is what I listen to any time I see a news story about Chuck Cromwell, actually.
Arthur: How do you play it?
Claude; On a CD!
Arthur: You own an Olivia Rodrigo CD?
Christine: Your father’s a very sensitive man, Arthur.
Claire: I hope you have a Dua Lipa CD, as well. She’s a national treasure.
Eleanor: Who are these people? These are nonsense words! What happened to John Lennon?
Arthur: I don’t think we should tell her.
Ethan: Oh, I see I’ve missed the call for a family meeting.
Christine: It wasn’t formal, we all just found our way to one another naturally.
Ethan: Have you heard about Prime Minister.
Claude: The whole Kingdom has by now.
Ethan: At least that sleaze had the decency to do one thing right.
Eleanor: You think doing cocaine at a party is doing something right?
Ethan: What? Of course not! I meant his resignation, he announced it at eight on the nose. I saw it on BBC Breakfast.
Christine: I took you as more of a Loose Women viewer.
Ethan: Love them, but I’m a bit busy during airtime.
Claire: Wait, resignation?
Claude: You mean to tell me Cromwell decided to resign and the bloke didn’t even have the decency to let me know first?
Christine: Don’t we wish he would just die?
Claude: Well… that’d be a start.
Christine: I was joking! My god, Claude.
Eleanor: He’s turned into Henry VIII.
Claude: I know I’m the King, but I can joke, too, you know? That’s not just reserved for the Queen Consort.
Claire: I wonder who the next clown is that they’ll put in charge of the circus.
Arthur: You think our country’s a circus?
Claire: The government certainly is. Today, I saw a video of our Prime Minster swinging his trousers above his head with white powder coming out of his nose.
Claude: We’re going to find all of that out soon enough. I must say, though. I am excited about this whole affair.
Christine: Excited?
Claude: I’m sure not excited that the country’s sign through turmoil, but I am excited that I get to appoint my first Prime Minister. I feel guilty about it, but it’s a new experience.
Christine: Darling, you’re seventy. Why are you talking like you’re a teenage girl learning to drive?
Arthur: I think it’s the Olivia Rodrigo music.
Eleanor: I understand how he feels. Everyone always remembers their first.
Christine: Yours was, what, seventy years ago?
Eleanor: Don’t push it.
Claude: I really do wonder who they’ll chose.
Claire: It should be a woman. It’s time.
Eleanor: There’s been a woman before.
Claire: Okay, I’ll rephrase it: a woman people like.
Arthur: Well, that’ll be hard. A politician people like?
Three weeks later, at dinner…
Gigi: Has anyone been following the leadership race?
Claude: I’ve been a bit concerned with other matters. I barely know’s even running.
Ethan: You didn’t discuss it during your audience with Cromwell this week?
Gigi: Oh, by the way, did you ask him if he’d take me partying within next time?
Todd: You’re an idiot.
Gigi: I’m Einstein compared to you!
Claude: We didn’t talk about it. We didn’t talk about much of anything. It’s been very awkward as of late.
Eleanor: Not just as of late. I hated spending time with him, what a little freak!
Olivia: I think that’s the most the mom has ever hated anyone.
Fred: Aside from me, of course.
Eleanor: I did not hate you! You just irritated me initially. You’ve been lovely lately.
Fred: Warms the heart.
Olivia: So, who is running in this leadership race? All lunatics, I presume?
Gigi: So the frontrunner is an MP from London named Mark Pendleton, he’s served in Cromwell’s cabinet -
Claire: Next!
Gigi: There’s Nedra Paulsen from Wales, she’s a bit eccentric, but well-respected in Parliament.
Olivia: Sounds pretty Funkadelic to me.
Ethan: You know, I always did say Kate Bush should be Prime Minister.
Gigi: Three’s also Thomas Greenawald from Essex, he’s run before.
Arthur: He’s a loser.
Claude: You sure are opinionated about these people you barely know anything about.
Gigi: The last one is a bit of a wildcard. Meredith Trayman from Northern Ireland.
Eleanor: An Irish Prime Minister? Are you joking?
Christine: What’s next, a Scot?
Gigi: It gets better.
Todd: It was already pretty bad just from the Irish part.
Ethan: Stop being xenophobic! Hate her for her politics, not the place she’s from.
Gigi: Also hater her because she’s an anti-monarchist.
Eleanor: She’s a what? And this woman’s in Parliament?
Gigi: She wants to abolish the monarchy.
Claude: That woman has a chance of being Prime Minister?
Gigi: An outside chance. She’s fourth in polling right now.
Claude: I’m going to be ill.
Olivia: Why, you want her to be in first?
Claude: A woman who's campaign has centered on wanting us abolished is in fourth place in a party leadership election. That’s terrifying! Are we really that unpopular?
Todd: I got booed at the beach yesterday.
Olivia: Gigi, do not.
Gigi: I was saying nothing. I’m disciplined enough to not body shame my own brother.
Todd: No you aren’t!
Gigi: Anyway, hating us is not the primary focus of Trayman’s campaign, it’s just a supplement of it. Lower taxes, repealing environmental regulations, getting people back to work, and executing the Royal Family. Traditional campaign cornerstones.
Claude: Executing?
Gigi: I’m kidding! She’s not a super villain!
Claire: She’s a bit more cartoonishly evil.
Two weeks later…
Ethan: You know, Claude, it’s not so bad. What does the Prime Minister really do, anyway?
Claude: Abolish our family, apparently.
Claire: I take it Trayman has won? I’ve been out all day. You know, working.
Claude: Don’t worry about work, we won’t have jobs in Trayman’s Britain.
Eleanor: Stop panicking! She cannot do anything to us. She serves at our discretion, not the other way around.
Christine: Can’t you just dismiss her already?
Claude: I’ve just inverted her to form a government.
Ethan: A government formed in your name, even though she’s an abolitionist.
Claire: She is certainly a politician, isn't she?
Eleanor: She’s not the first PM we’ve disliked, she won’t be the last. You simply have to be diplomatic and try to form some sort of working relationship with her.
Claude: Mummy, I don’t want to!
Christine: I have never been less attracted to you.
Claire: Claude, my daughter is the future queen. She is about ten. She respond to problems more maturely than that.
Claude: Then let her meet with Meredith Trayman!
Eleanor: This is the first major historical event in your reign, Claude. How you react in tense times like this will form people’s perception your leadership skills. Keep your chin up and make do with the situation you’re given.
Claude: I wish Olivia were here.
Ethan: My god, why?
Claude: She’s be able to make me laugh.
Claire: Where is she, by the way.
Claude: I asked her to come, she said, and I quote “I’m at the races today, deal with your problems on your own for once.”
Arthur: You’re right, she would’ve been very helpful in diffusing this situation.
The next day…
Olivia: Claude, what are you so worried about? You think a woman named Meredith is going to castrate you int he drawing room of Buckingham Palace?
Claude: I suppose not.
Olivia: She’s just one politician. A very powerful one, sure. Also a relatively incompetent one. You’re going to be fine. Just don’t do anything to explicitly get on her bad side.
Claude: Why are you unmoved over this?
Olivia: Her approval rating is currently sitting around thirty percent. I don’t envision her being the one to take a wrecking ball to our empire. She’ll certainly do no more damage to our public image than Twitter has done.
Claude: This is why I wanted you here yesterday. You strangely calm me.
Olivia: I do have a telent.
Christine: Darling, Ms. Trayman is here.
Claude: I must go, Liv.
Olivia: Good luck, and don’t fu-
Claude: Bye!
Meredith walks into the room.
Meredith: Your majesty.
Claude: Ms. Trayman, welcome.
Meredith: You may call me Meredith, sir.
Claude: I’m sure that curtsy nearly killed you.
Meredith: I’m not sure why you mean.
Claude: I’ve read up on you. I know your feelings regarding my family.
Meredith: I have great respect for your family.
Claude: You wanted us abolished.
Meredith: It’s nothing personal. I simply think the idea of being born into power is outdate and regressive. I feel no shame in stating that.
Claude: So, there will be no attempts to oust us from power?
Meredith: I ink we both know I couldn’t do that even if I wanted to. Your family is wildly popular, even your sister.
Claude: We’ve got that out of the way, then.
Meredith: Thank the heavens above! That’s one of the biggest misconceptions about me, that I somehow have some sort of vendetta against your family.
Claude: I’d like to congratulate you on your victory in the leadership race. I know your path to power wasn’t a traditional one, and we've got that in common.
Meredith: It can take people a while to warm up to me. I’m hoping that will be the case with the two of us, as well.
Claude: I am officially inviting you to form a government. This is a very exciting moment for any new Prime Minister, and a rare gift to bestowed upon anyone. You are now part of a very small group of people who have had the privilege of serving in this role. I know you will do all you can to serve the people of this country well.
Meredith: Thank you, sir. I sincerely appreciate it.
Claude: I am also inviting you to weekly audiences here at Buckingham Palace. I’ve done one with your predecessor every week since I assume the role of king, and my mother the Queen did the same with each of her Prime Ministers for her sixty-year reign,
Meredith: I am loving forward to them. Particularly the tea.
Claude: I do love a good cuppa. Now, you ready to smile for the cameras? We’re going to take our first official photograph together. I’m warning you to look your best, this picture will be plastered upon every newspaper in the country.
Meredith: Say cheese?
Thirty minutes later…
Eleanor: So, was it as bad as you anticipated?
Claude: “Say cheese”? Is she five years old?
Christine: I feel like you’re focusing on that and not that she does not actually want to send us away into exile.
Arthur: She’s a politician. Never trust a politician. She’s just not revealing that she plans to act on her desires to abolish the Royal Family.
Christine: She has no power to do that. We have no need to worry about the funny Irish lady obsessed with pastrami.
Claire: Yeah, why does she talk about it so much?
Christine: She was the minister for food.
Claire: We have a minister for food?
Ethan: We’re not doing a good job pushing back on those claims we’re ignorant, are we?
Claude: Claire’s barely a member of our family.
Claire: What? I’m not Selina!
Ethan: I should defend my wife, but you raise a point. She mostly just yells at people. You work.
Claire: Olivia’s the only one who does more royal duties than I do.
Christine: And yet, you’re always here, and she is not. Just how it should be!
Eleanor: I will again ask: was the meeting as bad as you expected it to be?
Claude: Trayman’s a simpleton, and I don’t like her, but it could have gone worse. I give her two years tops, but I think our working relationship will be fine for those two years. Can’t believe she’s my first PM, though. How embarrassing.
Eleanor: You have to learn, and I think you will, that it’s not always about you. You’ll have to serve alongside a ton of leaders you don’t like, and that is okay. You’re not here to get involved in politics, you’re here to provide a steady hand for the nation, and to advise the premier.
Claude: I have to give her advice? Dear lord… this is going to be the longest two years of my life.
Arthur: And maybe longer!
Claude: Out. Now. Can’t have such negativity hovering around me. Begone.
Claire: One day on the job and Meredith Trayman’s already tearing families apart.
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return for the new episode next week!
