DARNELL is sitting in his living room when he hears a knock on his door. He jumps out of his chair and runs to the door. Former President Evan Fixeworm greets him.
EVAN
You ready to do this?
DARNELL
Am I?!
EVAN
Alright, selfie!
DARNELL and EVAN take a selfie.
EVAN
Nice meeting you Sir.
EVAN starts to leave.
DARNELL
WAIT!
EVAN turns around.
DARNELL
That’s it? No kind words or anything?
EVAN
I mean…I don’t really know you.
DARNELL
Fair enough, but don’t you want me to win for the sake of the country? Think of the country President Fixeworm!
EVAN
Fine, what’s your key position, I’ll write about it in the caption when I post our selfie.
DARNELL
Defeating radical socialism and RINOs. Remember, I am many things but I am not a socialist and I am not a RINO. My opponent is a socialist.
EVAN rolls his eyes.
EVAN
Spoken like a true New Yorker who moved to Ohio to try to win an election.
DARNELL
What?! No!
EVAN
You’re lucky my kids are addicted to Quizzical Quiz. They’ve been begging me to endorse the Quizzical Quiz guy ever since they found out you entered the race. Now if you don’t mind I have to get back to doing what I do.
DARNELL
Which is?
EVAN
Finding the balance between staying active and not always recognized as the former president. Trust me, you don’t want to be president. Post-presidency life is terrible. Anyways gotta get back to it now, you should expect to see our selfie online this afternoon!
EVAN leaves just as DARNELL is getting a call. He answers the phone. It is sitting President of the United States, SAM.
DARNELL
Hello?
SAM
Darnell! Sorry that this is an unexpected call but I have a very busy schedule and I have a short opening now. I just wanted to give you a slightly advanced noticed that I am about to give you an endorsement.
DARNELL is silent for several seconds.
DARNELL
Who is this?
SAM
Oh my God.
DARNELL
Um…kidding! I’m kidding!
SAM
Well that’s good, it’d be abhorrent if you didn’t recognize the voice of the sitting President of the United States. Anyways gotta go, I have an endorsement to make.
SAM hangs up the phone.
DARNELL, realizing he got the endorsements of two Presidents in one day, calls TOMMY and CASEY to meet him at his apartment.
TOMMY
Are you dropping out?
DARNELL
Why are you always asking me that? I have good news!
CASEY
You called an in-person sit-down meeting, I thought you were dropping out too.
DARNELL
Would someone who just got the endorsements of President Fixeworm and President…the current President be dropping out?
TOMMY
Hard to say with you.
DARNELL
Well I’m not dropping out! In fact, I think we’re gonna win this thing.
CASEY
I’m glad you feel that way.
DARNELL
I got two major endorsements and still have like another month until the election. Imagine how much my lead can grow by then!
TOMMY
Sure, but did it ever occur to you that there’s a thing called primaries?
CASEY
Yeah you keep saying your opponents are radical socialists but all your opponents are Republicans right now.
DARNELL
Oh no. I should’ve been calling them RINOs this whole time.
TOMMY
That would’ve worked, probably.
DARNELL
Alright, we can retool. When are primaries.
TOMMY
Tuesday.
DARNELL
TUESDAY?!?!?!?!
CASEY
We tried telling you.
TOMMY
No we didn’t.
CASEY
Yeah, we didn’t.
DARNELL
It’s like you guys don’t even want me to win. Sure, maybe none of us are actually Republicans, but we can pull this off.
TOMMY
Honestly I’m just impressed you haven’t imploded by saying women shouldn’t have equal rights in the workplace yet.
DARNELL
So it’s settled, I got this in the bag!
CASEY
Sure you do. Alright, I’m leaving because this was uneventful.
TOMMY
Yeah me too.
DARNELL
By the way how many people are running in the primary?
TOMMY
Just you and one other person.
DARNELL
Oh so I need, like 50% of the vote to win?
TOMMY
Maybe a little less depending on how many people write in Oprah.
DARNELL
Oh no. This might be tougher than I thought. Anyways, all we can do at the point is sit back and watch the circus!
CASEY
You mean the show?
DARNELL
Sure.