The Princess Royal Season 2 Episode 2 - Not Bloody Likely

The Princess Royal Season 2, Episode 2
Not Bloody Likely

Olivia and Fred are returning home from Olivia’s official appearance at a school when she receives a phone call.

Olivia Fred, pick it up.

Fred: It’s for you.

Olivia: I’m a bit busy, am I not?

Fred: But -

Olivia: Just do it!

Fred: I don’t want to talk to your brother right now.

Olivia: Nor do I, but you can put it on speakerphone.

Fred: That’ll do!

Fred answers the phone and puts it on speakerphone.

Claude: Olivia -

Olivia: It’s “Your Royal Highness.”

Claude: Not when I’m speaking to you, it’s not.

Olivia: Just get to it, Claude, I’m driving home right now.

Claude: You’re talking while driving? Are you trying to crash?

Olivia: I’m on speakerphone, don’t be such a worrywart.

Claude: You could have specified.

Olivia: Yes, but that’s not as fun.

Claude: May I tell you my news, or are you still “messing with me?”

Olivia: Go ahead, shoot your shot.

Claude: Someone tried to kidnap Marina today.

Olivia: It happened again?

Fred: Again?

Claude: Hello, Frederick!

Fred: Again?

Olivia: Long story, I’ll tell you later. I don’t talk about it very often.

Fred: Did you kidnap her before or…?

Olivia: Claude, what happened and how are Claire and Arthur doing?

Claude: Everything’s fine, they’re just shaken up. Can you get to Buckingham?

Olivia: Uh… sure. Let me just find a place to hook a u-turn.

Claude: A u-turn? Where were you driving to?

Olivia: Home, where I live.

Claude: In the country?

Olivia: Yes. It’s peaceful. No kidnapping attempts there.

Claude: How long until you arrive here?

Olivia: Not long, Claude. I should be there by five.

Claude: See you then, I suppose.

Olivia hangs up.

Fred: So, what’s this about a prior kidnapping?

Olivia: Story for another time, babes.

Fred: All right then, onward to Buckingham.

Olivia: I guess no movie tonight.

Fred: We may as well just stay in London tonight, the drive home’s too long at this hour.

Olivia: Ah, goodie. My favorite place.

Fred: We’ll go back to being country bumpkins tomorrow. The family needs us. Well, need you.

Olivia: They’ve grown to like you!

Fred: That’s debatable. They certainly don’t need you.

Olivia: I don’t know. You’re pretty necessary to balance out Selina.

Fred: You really dislike her, don’t you?

Olivia: Almost as much as she dislikes me!

One hour later, at Buckingham Palace…

Eleanor: About time, Olivia!

Olivia: You know, I was halfway home.

Eleanor: Your home should be here with the rest of us!

Olivia: None of us say that to you during the two months a year you’re at Balmoral.

Eleanor: That’s because you all gladly join me there. Never any complaints.

Claude: Anyway, we’re not here too discuss Olivia, her impractical living situation, or the tardiness caused by that living situation.

Olivia: My living situation is fine!

Gigi: Mother, I got here before you did.

Olivia: That’s because you’ve been shacking up with your cousin.

Gigi: Don’t put it that way. I beg of you.

Claude: Family meeting, everyone! Not a meeting of How Do We Solve a Problem Like Olivia!

Selina: It may be a bit late, but I say preparatory school!

Claude: Family, please.

Ethan: You’re doing a great job reigning everyone in, Claude. That’s our monarch!

Eleanor: Ethan, behave. You’re speaking like your sister.

Olivia: You should encourage that. I speak truth to power!

Claude: Arthur, Claire, care to discuss the issue at hand?

Claire: You mean the attempted kidnapping of my daughter?

Claude: Yes, that one.

Claire: Okay, good, just wanted to clarify that this was important thing we were discussing today.

Claude: Of course it is! I don’t just gather this family together, even Todd -

Todd: Always lovely to get a shoutout!

Claude: I don’t gather us all together just for no reason. We’re here to provide support.

Claire: Well, now that I know I’m allowed to speak, I’ll describe what happened.

Claude: Why is everyone acting like I’m some tyrant? I let people speak when they want.

Olivia: Not me!

Claude: You’re a different case.

Claire: So, anyhow, Marina was out for the day with her favorite nanny, Rachel, and her bodyguard.

Todd: Marina has a bodyguard? Isn’t she, like, ten? I don’t have one now!

Arthur: She’s the heir apparent’s heir apparent’s heir apparent. She must stay safe

Christina: Plus, look what happened. Thank God she had that bodyguard!

Todd: What if someone tries to kidnap me?

Gigi: Don’t worry about that. Even the biggest village idiot can see no one would pay your ransom.

Todd: That was rude.

Gigi: Truth hurts.

Claire: Can I continue the story?

Arthur: Please do, darling. Mandy’s falling asleep.

Mandy: No, I’m fine! Do continue.

Eleanor: You look less alive than Paul!

Mandy: Paul? McCartney?

Eleanor: My husband!

Gigi: How am I related to these people?

Fred: Thankfully, in the case of Mandy, distantly.

Claire: So Marina is with Rachel and the bodyguard, when a pair of men in masks approach with guns. They knock Rachel to the ground and grab Marina by her arms. Thankfully, her bodyguard acted fast and shot and wounded both of them. It was all over in an instant but it was obviously horrific to hear about. The police said they found a typed letter at one of the assailant’s homes and said they were trying to take revenge out on the King.

Claude: Lovely to know I’m to blame for my granddaughter nearly being kidnapped.

Arthur: No one’s blaming you, papa.

Claude: I am! If I weren’t king, Marina would’ve have this target on her back.

Olivia: That’s mum’s fault, though, ain’t it?

Eleanor: Hey, leave me out of this!

Christine: There’s no use thinking of it that way, Claude. These were sick men who wanted to use an eleven year-old an do god knows what with her as leverage against someone they’d never even met. There’s no logic to that.

Claude: I understand. Still feel guilty over it, though.

Olivia: May I tell a story?

Christine: Oh, lord above.

Eleanor: Let me fetch myself a hot toddy.

Ethan: Mother’s developing a drinking problem, but I’m the one who’s misbehaving?

Claire: Go ahead, Olivia. Maybe it can get my mind off the fact that

Olivia: Okay, I want to say that this is not a story I tell often.

Fred: Is this the one about the previous kidnapping?

Olivia: Uh-huh.

Fred: Ooh, can’t wait!

Christine: Dial back the excitement for the harrowing tale of a royal kidnapping, Freddy boy.

Fred: Is it wrong to have interest in learning more about my wife?

Arthur: I think the wrongness lay in the level of interest you displayed.

Olivia: It was a dark and stormy night.

Claude: Get to the story, Anne Rice!

Olivia: I was traveling back to Buckingham after a night at the opera with my first husband, Ted. It was some time in the 1980s.

Eleanor: 1982, you were twenty-nine.

Olivia: So it was, 1982. Duran Duran’s Rio was playing on the radio.

Gigi: Oh Rio, Rio dance across the Rio Grande.

Olivia: Ted and I are returning home from a wedding, being driven by my chauffeur Elton. I gave my bodyguard, Chris, the night off. Who would come after a princess at her best friend’s wedding? It’s too sick to imagine.

Todd: That’s a lot of setup, mum. You gonna get to the story?

Olivia: If you stop interrupting me!

Todd: Done!

Gigi: What an idiot.

November 20, 1982. Olivia and Ted are in their car, driving down The Mall.

Elton: I’m sorry, Your Royal Highness. I’ve got to stop here for a moment.

Olivia: For what reason? I have the get back the the children, I’ve left them with mother for far too long

Ted: Don’t worry, Paul will make sure your mother doesn’t let the children stay up too late or get into any trouble.

Olivia: That’s precisely the issue. Mother probably sent them to bed at six, that’s practically nap time for them. They’ll be awake soon and ready to cause mayhem. I don’t know how eager mother is to deal with that.

Elton: There is a car parked in the way.

Olivia: You can go around it, no?

Elton: Afraid not.

Olivia: This is really ruining the evening for me, Elton.

Ted: Darling, do calm down. You’re going to burst an artery.

Olivia: I should hurry up and do it, I’ll get out of this damned car faster if I do.

Elton: So, other than this, how’d you enjoy the day? Was the wedding nice?

Olivia: It was a dream come true, and this is the cherry on top.

Ted: She’s had a long day, excuse her outbursts.

Elton: There appears to be a man getting out of the car and walking our way.

Olivia: That’s lovely. Turn the song up, please. I love Simon Le Bon.

Howard (man from car): Out.

Elton: Excuse me?

Howard: Get out, on your knees. You’ll live if you cooperate.

Elton: Okay, all right, will do.

Howard kicks Elton and knocks him out.

Olivia: What’s the commotion up there, Elton?

Ted: Shh.

Howard: Hello Your Royal Highness. I’m Howard, nice to meet you.

Olivia: Is there a particular reason for the knife in your hand?

Howard: Ignore it. Let’s get to know one another better.

Present Day…

Arthur: This man faces your driver from the car whilst holding a knife and then approaches to have a regular, normal conversation with you?

Olivia: He was a strange man.

Christine: How did you not panic?

Olivia: Simple. I’d had too much to drink at the wedding. Inhibitions, out the window.

Fred: How have I never been told this?

Eleanor: She doesn’t discuss it. It had a psychological impact on her. Poor Paul, he could never quite help her out of her shell after it no matter how hard he tried

Olivia: Let me tell my own story, mother!

Back in 1982…

Howard: How are you, ma’am?

Olivia: I’m well, aside from being referred to as “ma’am.”

Howard: Would you prefer I call you “miss”?

Ted: I wouldn’t.

Olivia: I must ask -

Howard: I ask the questions here, your highness.

Olivia: Of course, sir.

Howard: Let’s get to know one another better.

Ted: What is your aim here?

Olivia: Ted, he asks the questions.

Howard: Thank you, I appreciate it. I suppose I should just fess up what my goal here is. I just want to have a conversation.

Olivia: I talk a lot, I’m always willing to converse. You can put the knife away.

Howard: No, I will keep it.

Olivia: Very well. Your choice!

Howard: How’s your mother, princess?

Olivia: She’s, uh, she’s the queen. That’s for sure.

Howard: If this conversation were to take a turn for thaw worse, how would she feel?

Olivia: I don’t know what you’re implying there.

Howard: If I were too harm you in some way. How would she feel?

Olivia: She would be sad?

Present day…

Gigi: How did you remain so calm?

Olivia: Well, he was holding a knife to my throat and I figured, best to not cause a scene.

Todd: You didn’t mention the knife?

Olivia: I didn’t?

Ethan: You never mentioned it to me, either.

Olivia: You were too young to understand it then, and I, shockingly, have not had much of a desire to discuss it since.

Christine: Am I the only one who thinks it’s funny that she went from a husband named Ted to one named Fred?

Claude: That’s what you’re focused on now?

Christine: I just never realized it. Sorry for mentioning it.

Claire: So, back to the story.

Olivia: So he continues going on for about ten minutes after that, random discussion at knifepoint. doors locked, him sitting in the front seat, doors locked, his front turned two me. I felt like I was in the face of evil.

Gigi: So, what happened after that?

Fred: You don’t know the story either?

Gigi: Not the details.

Back in 1982, Howard gets out of the car and opens Olivia’s door.

Howard: Come on Olivia, we’re going.

Olivia: Not a chance in hell!

Howard: Why not?

Howard grabs Olivia by the arm and tears her dress.

Ted: Unhand her!

Olivia: Glad you’ve finally woken up, Teddy!

Howard: We have to go!

Olivia: Go where? 

Howard: Away from here! You have to come!

Olivia: Listen, I don’t have to go anywhere. And you’ve ruined my favorite dress, so there’s no one I want to go with less than you!

Olivia starts screaming and a man runs towards the car.

Olivia: Help me! Help! He’s got a knife!

Julian (man running): I’m on my way!

Olivia: I’m going to die!

Howard: I’m not going to kill you!

Julian: Stop right there!

Howard: What do you want?

When Howard turns to Julian, Olivia kicks him to the ground and grabs his knife.

Olivia: Ted, be helpful for once and take this knife.

Ted: No need to berate me.

Olivia: There’s always a need to berate you.

Julian: Your Royal Highness, I hope you are okay.

Olivia: I am fine. Can someone phone the police?

Julian: Already here. Detective Julian Garfield, happy to assist.

Olivia: Put this madman away. Please.

Julian: On it.

Olivia: I suppose I have to go tell mother what happened.

Ted: Um, Elton.

Olivia: Julian, can you get a medic for him?

Julian: Yes, of course. You go on with your day.

Olivia: That was quite a stroke of luck, wasn’t it, Ted?

Ted: What exactly was lucky about the near-kidnapping.

Olivia: Well, I’m not fish food, I could have been. That’s lucky.

In present day…

Olivia: So, one could really say he brought a knife to a leg fight.

Christine: I’ve heard about the arms race, but this is ridiculous!

Claire: What ever happened to Howard?

Olivia: Still in a mental ward, last time I checked.

Arthur: What was his motivation for trying to kidnap you? He didn’t sound all that prepared.

Eleanor: To extort me! The man was insane enough to think he could kidnap the monarch’s daughter and then get millions of pounds in exchange for her and get away with it. He seemed to fashion himself as some super villain. And all he had as a weapon was a knife!

Christine: I think it’s good that the pacifists are getting into domestic terrorism.

Todd: Gives us a chance to win!

Gigi: Don’t overestimate yourself.

Eleanor: So, Claude, don’t feel too bad. You’re not the only one who was almost the reason someone you love was kidnapped.

Claude: Your loved one isn’t a future monarch, though.

Olivia: You know, I’m right here. And it doesn’t make me any less important.

Christine: Of course not! This country would have come to a halt if anything happened to you!

Olivia: You joke, but imagine the BBC coverage if I were killed! They love nothing more than a royal scandal. Months of coverage!

Fred: That raises a question.

Christine: Just one?

Fred: How did I never know about his? Surely the Beeb would’ve been all over this?

Eleanor: I told them to dial it back on the coverage. Olivia didn’t want to relive her trauma over and over. So don't you ever say I did nothing for you!

Olivia: Speaking of selflessness, did that make you feel better, Claire?

Claire: Um… not really? It sort of made me think about just how screwed up the world is. It gave me anxiety.

Olivia: I got your mind off Marina’s incident!

Arthur: Did you?

Ethan: Didn’t that feel good to get out, though?

Mandy: I missed it, what happened?

Ethan: Father’s alive again.

Mandy: Oh, that’s nice. Back to bed.

Arthur: Granny, is she okay?

Eleanor: Probably. No need to worry, she’s just a tired old lady. Nothing revolutionary.

Olivia: Do you guys want me to talk to Marina about this and reassure her that all will be well?

Arthur: No, aunt Liv, that’ll be fine. You can talk to her about Baby Shark though.

Olivia: I don’t think sharks are any less scary a subject that a story of me, as the kids say, “kicking ass.”

Arthur: I don’t think telling her it’s happened before and will probably happen to one of her relatives will really make her feel at ease.

Olivia: Okay, fine. If you need someone to lean on for support that knows what you’ve been through, though, I’m here any time. No physically, but emotionally. Just a phone call away.

Claire: And we do appreciate it.

Christine: Okay, time to move on to another topic. Anything else. Bake Off?

Olivia: Glad to see how appreciative you are that I’ve trusted you to hear of my trauma.

Claude: Olivia, stop talking like a Twitter teen.

What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return for the new episode next week!

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