The family is at Windsor Castle having dinner.
Claude: Isn’t it so nice to be back at Windsor, everybody? A change of scenery does the mind well.
Olivia: The minds in this room sure could use all the help they can get.
Gigi: Come on, mother. Claire’s not so bad.
Claire: Thank you. Wait -
Gigi: Never mind.
Nathan: We really appreciate being invited, papa.
Claude: Of course! You needed a break from the wedding plans, I thought a weekend at Windsor was just the remedy for it.
Alicia: I’ve never seen a place more beautiful!
Eleanor: You’ve not even seen the best part yet, I’ll have to give you the full tour.
Claude: Dinner’s not over yet, don’t drag her away yet.
Eleanor: We’re both finished.
Claude: We’re supposed to remain seated until everyone’s done, that’s what you taught me.
Ethan: Oh, it’s getting intense.
Anthony: I’m glad i came for this, I love a power struggle.
Olivia: You’ll get to watch another one when Trayman resigns in disgrace, should be any day now.
Arthur: You’re always on that woman’s case, aunt Olivia.
Claire: Have you seen her? I can’t blame Olivia, she’s laughably awful at, well, everything.
Arthur: She’s only been on the job a few weeks.
Olivia: And she’ll only be on it a few more!
Fred: Have you all forgotten that Todd is supposed to join us this weekend with his girlfriend?
Anthony: Is his girlfriend a tory? Olivia, I thought you’d raised him better than that.
Ethan: Wow, he’s sure out of the loop.
Christine: You’re gonna love this one, Tony. Todd is dating the Prime Minister’s daughter.
Anthony spits out his food.
Eleanor: Come on, Alicia. We’re going for that tour before my son splatters his soup all over your new dress.
Alicia: Sounds good to me. I have no idea what a “Tory” is. Do you mean Spelling? Amos?
Eleanor: Silly child.
Christine: Must you always remind everyone that you’re American?
Ethan: Don’t think that’s something I’d ever want to remind anyone about!
Anthony: The Prime Minster’s daughter? The Prime Minister who wants our family abolished?
Christine: That’s her! A real peach, no?
Anthony: Olivia!
Olivia: I have nothing to do with it, let’s not blame me.
Claude: Let’s talk about something else. Anything else.
Claire: It’s Halloween on Monday!
Olivia: I can tell it’s Halloween, the Prime Minister has turned Britain into a horror show.
Claude: Exactly, brilliant, Claire!
Ethan: What was brilliant ‘bout that?
Fred: It shut you lot up for a second.
Claire: What’s everyone doing for Halloween?
Olivia: No one’s going to laugh at my joke?
Christine: You’re been telling it for about two weeks straight in some form.
Claire: I will be taking the children to a costume party at their friend’s house. They always love the holiday, they get to play make-believe and that’s not something they get to do all that much in this family.
Ethan: That’s not true, Claude always gets to play make believe when he meets with the Prime Minister and pretends he has any influence.
Olivia: With a normal Prime Minist-
Fred: Olivia, shush.
Olivia: It’s not lik-
Butler: Your Majesty, Mr. Williams and Lady Trayman have arrived.
Claude: Welcome, both of you! It’s so nice to meet you, Ms. Trayman.
Norah: Your Majesty, you can just call me Norah.
Todd: And, mother, what was it you were saying about the Prime Minister as we were coming in?
Olivia: Lovely lady, really respect her plan to abolish the monarchy.
Norah: Oh, mum doesn’t mean it. She used to, but she likes you now.
Christine: Someone from Northern Ireland likes us? That I refuse to believe.
Norah: She says she’s really been charmed by His Majesty’s warmth and grace.
Olivia: I know you’re trying to make a good first impression, but I already know you make my son happy. You don’t have to lie about your mum finding Claude charming.
Fred: You’re a bit early, aren’t you? You said you wouldn’t get here until eight.
Todd: We just couldn’t wait to get the weekend started.
Claude: Do you want me to have the cooks prepare you something?
Todd: No, that’s too much of a hassle. How about we just sit down and talk in the sitting room instead?
Claude: That sounds like a plan. We were just in the middle of discussing our Halloween plans.
Norah: The Royal Family does Halloween?
Ethan: We’re more fun than you’d imagine!
The next morning, Olivia and Fred are laying in bed.
Olivia: Last night was fun!
Fred: It was nice, just to talk. I got bullied a bit, but you know, the comes with there territory.
Olivia: Yeah, sorry about that. You, Claire, mum and Christine just really looked like the Golden Girls, sitting there chatting together.
Fred: No need to apologize, I can see it. It’s fitting.
Olivia: god, what time is it? I feel like we’ve overslept.
Fred: I woke up an hour ago.
Olivia: Course you did.
Fred: You’re the only one who was still sleeping, but I didn’t want to leave you alone in here. Didn’t want to be a bad husband.
Olivia: Oh, looks like I’ve missed a phone call.
Fred: How can you even tell on that old thing?
Olivia: Just because it’s old doesn’t make it bad!
Fred: It’s falling apart,
Olivia: If everything that was slightly broken got thrown away, I’d have been in the bin decades ago.
Fred: It has an antenna!
Olivia: So do the aliens from Toy Story, everyone loves them!
Fred: Anyway, did the caller leave a message?
Olivia: I have trouble finding my messages on this phone.
Fred: Are you joking?
Olivia: Wish I were!
Fred: Maybe someone else can figure it out for you.
Olivia: I’m not an idiot, Fred. If I can’t figure it out, I doubt anyone else will swoop in and get it done.
Fred: You’re crabby when you just get up.
Olivia: I was fine before you teased me about my phone.
Fred: The phone was asking for it.
Thirty minutes later…
Claude: Olivia, you’re just poking at your omelette while you stare at your ridiculous old phone. We had to call the cook off her break to make you that, you really should eat it.
Olivia: I’m trying to figure out how to open my voice messages. I think I have one on there, but I don’t know how to get to it.
Claude: Maybe one of the kids can get it.
Gigi: No one in this castle is a kid.
Claire: My actual toddlers are just upstairs.
Gigi: Okay, no one in this castle that is an actual kid can help you. The rest of us that you’re calling “kids” are all old.
Arthur: I like to think of myself as “aged.”
Gigi: If that’s what you have to tell yourself to get through the day.
Norah: I could try to take a look.
Gigi: Someone’s really trying to make a good impression! That’s impossible, though, since you’re dating Todd and therefore my opinion of you will always be low.
Olivia: Could you take a look? I would be so grateful.
Norah: Okay, here you go.
Olivia: You didn’t even -
Norah: It was pretty self-explanatory. My mum had one of these about ten years ago and I had to show her, too.
Christine: See, Liv, you’re closer to Meredith Trayman than you thought!
Olivia: Not to be rude, Norah, but what you just told me will haunt me for the rest of my days.
Norah: I am aware.
Gigi: She’s getting sassy, mum may have finally met her match.
Olivia: Okay, time to play the message. Can’t wait!
Christine: I hope it’s a nonsense call.
Olivia: Love you, too. You’re the sister I never had.
Norah hits play on the message.
Caller: Your Royal Highness, hello. I am Hector Bradford of the Windsor Equine Club. I apologize for how last-minute this is, but we are having a charity event on tomorrow, the 30th, and would like to know if you could come. We’re well aware of your love for horses and were hoping you’d be willing to take part in a charity horse race. If you have the time, please call me back and let me know if you’d like to attend. Thanks, bye.
Christine: Like I said, nonsense call.
Olivia: I don’t think it was nonsensical. I love a good horse race.
Claude: You’re not really considering going, are you?
Olivia: Would that be so bad?
Claude: That’s not really something we do, is it? Last-minute horse races?
Olivia: Spontaneity isn’t a bad thing.
Eleanor: You could seriously hurt yourself!
Olivia: I feel like a teenager again, getting biased around by my mother.
Eleanor: The fact that you’re not a teenager is precisely the reason I don’t want you doing it. You’re brittle!
Olivia: Brittle? I am not brittle!
Ethan: It’s okay to be honest with ourselves, Olivia. We still love you anyway.
Olivia: I am not brittle!
Eleanor: Even if you weren’t, which you are, how long has it been since you’ve ridden a horse?
Gigi: I could go in your place, I am a -
Todd: We know. You’re an Olympic medalist.
Gigi: I feel like I don’t get the credit for it, on account of you all having your fancy titles.
Olivia: I want to do it. I think it’ll be fun. I’m sure it’s not going to be anything intense, they’re not going to let me get hurt.
Eleanor: You’ve always been stubborn, but you’re usually able to get a grasp of reality and see my point of view.
Ethan: Are we forgetting her twenty-year hiatus from the family?
Eleanor: We don’t talk about that. Just like we aren’t talking about this horse… thing.
Olivia: It’s for charity, mother. Do you hate charity?
Christine: I think she hates the idea of her daughter being injured.
Olivia: And the idea of her daughter living her own life.
Nathan: I’m so sorry you have to listen to this, dear. They’re not always like thjis.
Alicia: It’s fine.
Claire: Good, because they really are always like this. Sometimes even worse!
Arthur: I know it’s borderline impossible to imagine, but she’s right.
Norah: It’s not so bad. My mum and I -
Olivia: Oh, I can only imagine.
Todd: Mother!
Olivia: Sorry.
Norah: No need to apologize, I know more than anyone how laughably insane my mother is.
Christine: Hey, she’s breaking barriers. First PM from Northern Ireland, a country where we are notably very popular.
Ethan: Ich bin ein Dubliner.
Claire: That’s in Ireland, Ethan. Also, they don’t speak German there, but I think that’s pretty commonsense.
Ethan: What’s the difference?
Claire: You did not just ask that!
Norah: It’s fine, it’s a hard concept for some people to grasp.
Claire: I would hope that -
Arthur: So, what do we -
Claire: You did not just interrupt m1
Nathan: You want to head back to bed, darling?
Alicia: More than anything.
Christine: Wen have things planned for today!
Nathan: Yeah, so do we, we’re planning on more sleep.
Eleanor: So, is this horse business put to rest?
Olivia: You’re still on that?
Eleanor: I have to know you’re not going to hurt yourself.
Claude: And I have to know you’re not going to embarrass me. I don’t need any more embarrassment, not when her mother’s got a target on us.
Norah: As I said, she’s over that.
Claude: Right.
Olivia: We have put it to rest, I’m going.
Eleanor: Why do you never listen to me?
Ethan: Weren’t you jus-
Claire: Let it go.
The next day, at the Windsor Equine Club…
Hector: Your Royal Highness, it’s such an honor to have you.
Olivia: It’s not, really. I’m nothing special.
Gigi: In fact, she’s a bit of a bore.
Olivia: I always love a good ABBA reference.
Gigi: ABBA reference?
Hector: No matter what you say, it’s great to have you. Shall I show you your horse?
Olivia: Yes, that’d be great.
Hector: His name is Mommy’s Little Hellraiser.
Olivia: Is there… any particular reason that you named him that?
Hector: He’s just a character. A good boy, though.
Fred: Good fit for her, then.
Olivia: I haven’t ridden in a long time, fair warning. Don’t expect me to be any good. Certainly not as good as I used to be.
Hector: We have actors and reality stars and politicians out here. I don’t think any of them have even seen a horse. We have a queen from RuPaul’s Drag Race. She’s in drag. I would guess that that provides some logistical issues, but what do I know?
Olivia: She’ll be better at it than the actual queen.
Gigi: You know, if you need someone else, I’d be more than willing.
Hector: It’s really more of a celebrity charity event.
Todd: That just made my day.
Hector: I didn’t mean it like that! I meant, it’s for people without experience, not actual athletes.
Gigi: Mother is a real athlete.
Hector: It’s sort of like Strictly, you know? Sometimes they get someone with experience, but not someone who’s been trained so recently. Hope you can understand.
Gigi: Oh! I’m just too good for the charity event? That’s sweet.
Olivia: All right, this thing about to start? I have to get back to the Castle, I promised I’d be back for some dumb thing Claude wants to do before we head home.
Hector: Yes, let’s get going.
Fifteen minutes later…
Todd: Look at that, she’s really flying out there.
Fred: She is the only one with experience, guess she remembered more than she thought.
Gigi: The drag queen’s catching up.
Todd: Time for her to sashay away.
Gigi: You watch Drag Race?
Todd: Of course! Bimini is an icon.
Fred: Watch, she’s about to win!
Gigi: Oh no…
Todd: What just happened?
Fred: Mommy’s Little Hellraiser lived up to him name.
Gigi: Looks like granny had a point.
Todd: She’ll heal. Right?
Four hours later…
Eleanor: Mother knows best!
Olivia: I’m fine, thanks.
Christine: You look good. Lively, alert. Better than I’d expect for someone with a broken femur and dislocated shoulder.
Olivia: Thank you, I appreciate it.
Claude: You did it, Liv. You embarrassed me.
Olivia: I raised fifty thousand dollars for charity.
Claude: Could you not have done that without providing fodder for the Daily Mail?
Olivia: Who cares what the Daily Fail says?
Claude: I’d prefer to avoid negative headlines.
Olivia: Shut up!
Fred: She’s a little high on painkillers, excuse her.
Olivia: When you were young and your heart was an open book you used to say "live and let live.”
Gigi: We were listening to Wings in the car.
Claude: Well, just, uh, dump her in her room. We have a Halloween maze to go visit!
Fred: Dump her in her room? She has a broken leg.
Claude: She’ll fall asleep. Throw on some Kate Bush music, that’ll keep her content for a while.
Gigi: It is a great time for Kate Bush.
Todd: It’s always a great time for Kate Bush.
Eleanor: What is this conversation?
Olivia: I'm conscious, you know? I’ll live if you leave me alone for two hours.
Claude: Okay, problem solved. Let’s go!
Olivia: You have fun. Punch horse for me.
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return for the new episode next week!
