Gretchen gets in her campaign van after a speech.
Christina: I still don’t know why you guys didn’t get a campaign bus instead of squeezing us all into this thing.
Gretchen: It’s an eight person van, it’s all we need. There are seven of us and we barely spend any time in it. This state takes about twenty minutes to drive from one end to another!
Christina: Okay, fine, won’t make any helpful recommendations in the future.
Gretchen: Thank you. Carol, where do we have to go next?
Carol: Hell if I know.
Susana: We’re going to Newport for a speech at a library.
Lucinda: A speech at a place where quiet is mandatory. The crowd volume should be able to remain the same as normal.
Gretchen: People get fired up at my rallies.
Lucinda: Republicans getting excited about potentially winning the election every time you stick your foot in your own mouth doesn’t count as getting the crowd “fired up.”
Gretchen: Be honest, mother. You’re voting for Thorne, aren’t you?
Lucinda: Obviously not! I could never -
Gretchen: Betray your own daughter like that?
Lucinda: No, vote for a Republican!
Gretchen: Of course that’s what you meant.
Two hours later, after Gretchen’s speech at the library…
Gretchen: Carol, is this a thinner crowd than usual? It felt like some people walked out in the middle of it, too.
Carol: So…
Anthony: It’s nothing at all!
Gretchen: Yes, that’s a great song by Heart. Why do you all look like someone died? I hope, if it has to be anyone, that it wa-
Carol: Don’t finish that thought, some reporter may hear it.
Gretchen: Why would a reporter be hanging out at a barely-publicized Sunday afternoon campaign event?
Lucinda: Remember when you were arrested when you were about, I don’t know, sixteen?
Gretchen: Why are we talking about this in public?
Lucinda: Everyone knows anyway!
Gretchen: Oh no…
Carol: Yeah, oh no. How have you never told me about this?
Gretchen: I thought I put it behind me! It was supposed to be sealed!
Anthony: Someone clearly broke the law here.
Lucinda: Yeah. Gretchen!
Gretchen: Mom, that is not helpful right now.
Lucinda: I wasn’t intending to be helpful. You’ve embarrassed me all over again!
Christina: Mom got arrested?
Anthony: I was waiting for you to weigh in!
Christina: I’m just so taken aback. The woman who set a strict ten PM curfew for me until I was TWENTY and threatened to disown me if I ever drank and drove was
Toby: I have to go sit down.
Lucinda: Look what you’ve done. Your children are devastated. I am embarrassed! What a mess you’ve gotten us in.
Gretchen: It was almost forty years ago. I’m sorry to disappoint you all but I’ve sort of moved on from this.
Susana: Am I the only one wondering what she got arrested for? I just can’t imagine her doing anything illegal.
Carol: I’m not wondering. I read the article.
Gretchen: Who ran the article?
Carol: The Providence Star.
Gretchen: Disgusting rag.
Christina: It’s the most trusted paper in the state.
Gretchen: Good for them. My opinion remains unchanged
Susana: No one has told me what the arrest was about yet!
Carol: You wanna tell her, Gretch?
Gretchen: I would rather go home and watch Addams Family Values.
Carol: She was arrested for underage drinking -
Christina: Hypocrite!
Carol: and destruction of property.
Christina: Destruction of property? You got drunk as a kid and pulled a Beyonce?
Lucinda: Don’t drag Beyonce into this.
Gretchen: It wasn’t anywhere near as bad as it sounds. I went to a high school party -
Christina: You used to be invited to parties?
Lucinda: She wasn’t allowed to go to them. She snuck out this time.
Christina: This is horrifying. I am so disappointed in you.
Gretchen: I’ll try harder next time. But, as I was saying, it really wasn’t all that serious. I got buzzed at a party and my friends and I went out and smashed some gnomes and garden decor in my neighbor’s yard. She was furious about it and pressed charges and that, kids, is how I got arrested.
Christina: That was the worst episode of How I Met Your Mother ever. Even worse than the finale!
Gretchen: Sorry my story’s not more scandalous. I don’t know why anyone cared about it at all, honestly.
Carol: Well, you said in 2000 that Faherty should drop out for a similar scandal.
Gretchen: I was a kid then, you can’t take anything I said at face value!
Lucinda: You were thirty!
Gretchen: You know, this isn’t all that bad. I’ve seen candidates come back from worse October Surprises than this.
Carol: Gretchen, it’s very bad. If there’s anything we can all agree that we hate, it’s a hypocrite. Not to mention, “property destroyer” is a rough attack angle to have lobbed at you.
Gretchen: I wonder if the old biddy is still alive.
Lucinda: Mrs. Grafleney? She was ancient in 1984. I’d be surprised if she made it out of the eighties.
Gretchen: Well, there goes my idea.
Carol: Your idea?
Gretchen: Yeah, get her to cut an ad for me and say she forgives me.
Lucinda: Her great-granddaughter might still be alive, you think that’ll work?
Gretchen: Why would the Star even go digging through my old legal history? How’s that relevant to how I do my job today?
Susana: I’d wager a guess that Thorne’s campaign is behind this. He’s vicious.
Lucinda: He looks like a nice family man.
Susana: He’s not! I’ve never seen a more aggressive opponent in my life!
Lucinda: In all fifteen years?
Carol: He uses his appearance as a weapon. Builds up that “family man” image in public, then he digs up everything he can about you to tear you down. And he’ll always deny he was the one who did the digging.
Susana: That’s how he won two terms as Cranston’s mayor. It’s relatively blue overall, but when you have a strong candidate like him…
Gretchen: Are you all trying to bring me down?
Carol: We’re just pointing out that an opponent like him is not easy to navigate, and this isn’t something we were hoping to run into with only two weeks to go.
Gretchen: Well, what are we going to do about it?
Lucinda: Accuse him of doing something even worse. Say he murders puppies or something.
Christina: Who would believe that?
Lucinda: Throw up some clips of him set to the Cruella de Vil song, you’re golden. Who needs evidence?
Gretchen: Mom, that’s ridiculous.
Lucinda: What if you accuse him of being from Massachusetts?
Gretchen: That’s too awful to even accuse someone of being.
Librarian: I’m sorry, the library is closing for the night. I’m going to have to ask you to head out.
Carol: That’s all right, we have to get going, anyway. Gretchen, don’t speak to any reporters. We’re going to figure this all out tomorrow.
Anthony: You’ll get this cleared up, I know you will.
Lucinda: I make fun of you a lot, but Gretchen really needs a blindly-loyal lap dog right now, and you’re doing the job great.
Anthony: Thank you, I try.
The next day, in Gretchen’s office…
Gretchen: Okay, girls. How are we turning this one around? And what are you doing here, Pratt?
Samantha: I am here to provide light and guidance in this troubling time.
Gretchen: You got here before I even did.
Samantha: Well, no one ever accused you of being punctual.
Gretchen: I thought you were here to “provide light”?
Samantha: We clarified this last week, remember? Friends make jokes about other friends. You said so yourself.
Gretchen: Oh, I was just talking out of my ass because I wanted to mock you without you getting offended.
Samantha: Well, now I’m offended.
Gretchen: Does anyone have a plan to get me out of the mess I made for myself?
Susana: You made it almost forty years ago, don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s not like you knew back then that you’d be governor one day.
Gretchen: Oh, but I did. I’ve always known I would be a politician one day. This was always my dream.
Susana: I was trying to give you an out, Gretch.
Gretchen: I need an out with the voters. I’m getting killed over this!
Carol: We don’t know that. There hasn’t been any polling. For all we know, it’s one of those scandals that only the media cares about. In that case, our best bet is to just lay low.
Samantha: With all due respect, that’s terrible advice.
Carol: How so?
Samantha: Laying low after a scandal allows your opponent to define you by it.
Carol: I’ve been a campaign manager for a long time, Pratt. I know what I’m doing, and it’s never failed me before.
Samantha: What other scandals have you had to fight back against before? Aside from incompetence.
Carol: Fair point. Scandals don’t hit all that often in Rhode Island, no one really lives here.
Susana: Didn’t one of our governors have mob ties before?
Carol: One?
Susana: Two?
Carol: Anyhow, what do you have in mind here, Pratt?
Susana: Please don’t suggest killing Thorne. Gretchen already had that idea last week and we rejected it.
Hank: Hey party people! I brought potent potables!
Gretchen: Hank, it’s ten in the morning!
Hank: I’ve heard you don’t mind what time it is!
Carol: Are you here for any reason other than weak trolling attempts? Perhaps to do your job?
Hank: No, just for that. I see Pratt beat me to it, though.
Samantha: Yep, I came just to mock Gretchen. I’m certainly not here to do my job or anything.
Hank: Now you’re being really funny! Since when do you work?
Samantha: I am a diligent worker. We’re discussing the new tax bill. Strictly business, as it should be at work. We’re done, though, so we should both get going and leave the governor to whatever it is that she does.
Hank: Yeah, I guess I better not annoy her too much. She might bash the windows of my car like the lady from Promising Young Woman.
Gretchen: It’s funny, Hank. You have such a sense of superiority over me, and yet I’m far more powerful than you ever be. I could squash you like a bug just like I squashed those garden gnomes when I was sixteen.
Hank: Wow, you really are a nut. I’ll leave you alone then, you scary lady.
Jeanne: Hey, Gretch, I brought you a b-
Hank: Already did that joke, she didn’t like it. You’d better go before she kills you.
Jeanne: Kills me?
Hank: She’ll at least threaten to.
Jeanne: Wow, the rumors really are true! I thought it was just a rumor Thorne started!
Gretchen: Go! Both of you, out! I have serious things to attend to.
Jeanne: Windows to throw rocks through?
Gretchen: One joke. You have one joke.
Susana: Time to go, folks! The governor is no longer seeing visitors today!
Jeanne: Are you her bouncer now?
Susana: I’ll bounce you outta here if you don’t go.
Hank: I think they all got a few screws loose. Let’s go.
Samantha: See you, Raymond. Don’t get yourself in too much trouble.
Jeanne: Or do. We don’t really care.
Three days later…
Gretchen: So, is that new poll in?
Carol: Poll? What poll? What’s a poll?
Gretchen: Oh, god. How bad is it, Carol?
Carol: Have you seen the new Peanuts stamps? Aren’t they lovely?
Gretchen: Carol, how bad is the damn poll? Considering you’re talking to me about stamps, I’m guessing it’s pretty dismal. Am I losing?
Susana: Since mom is apparently very shy suddenly, I’ll spit it out. In the same poll, you were leading by fifteen last time. You are now leading by seven. Still above fifty and that’s key.
Gretchen: Well, that’s better than my mom guessed.
Susana: What was she guessing?
Gretchen: She just said “I would drop out if I were you.”
Susana: That’s a bit harsh.
Gretchen: You’ve met her. You know that’s her brand.
Susana: Yeah, it wouldn’t be her if she wasn’t harder on you than anyone else in the world.
Carol: So, polls…
Gretchen: Is she okay?
Susana: I think the prospect of finally having an easy win really got her happy and losing that has broken her brain a bit.
Gretchen: Carol, we’ve survived tougher races than this one. We can get this one last win.
Carol: Oh, god, when you put it like that, I get all emotional. Is this really our last run? It just doesn’t feel real.
Gretchen: Well, there’s nowhere else to go. I’m sure not running for President.
Carol: I suppose not.
Gretchen: So, how are we turning this around? Are we allowed to refer to it now that people care?
Carol: We’re going to make a new ad, okay? I gave you bad advice, I had you ignore good advice, and I’ll make it up to you. We have to address it. And I think we have to go negative.
Gretchen: Negative about myself? I guess I could stand in the mirror and give myself a very stern talking-to.
Carol: No! Go negative on him.
Gretchen: You know I hate going negative.
Susana: Good one!
Gretchen: I don’t like it! I think it makes me look bad! I guess in this instance, I have to tear him down. But I have to apologize, too. I owe Rhode Island that much.
Susana: You didn’t do anything to Rhode Islanders. Well, except poor Mrs. Grafleney’s gnome.
Gretchen: I know, but this is new to them. I have to be apologetic. We don't have much time to mess around, I have to get over this scandal quick.
Carol: Okay, we have a lot to balance in this ad, but we’ll get it done. An October Surprise is not about to stop us.
Gretchen: Okay, let’s go film it now?
Carol: During work?
Gretchen: Yes! I’m excited!
Susana: How about I write it now and then we can film it as soon as we’re off of work.
Gretchen: Okay, if you insist.
Carol: We’re going to get this all solved, Gretchen. Don’t you worry.
Gretchen: I guess I’ll go balance the budget, then.
Carol: That may be wise. That’s fairly important.
Gretchen: I guess so.
Three days later…
Gretchen: Guys, guys! Get in here!
Lucinda: What for? I’m eating.
Gretchen: My ad is about to run!
Toby: You made another ad?
Gretchen: Yes! This one’s about the…
Christina: The time you smashed some garden gnomes in a drunken stupor?
Gretchen: It was not a stupor!
Christina: Sorry… a drunken escapade.
Lucinda: That’s my favorite Janet Jackson song.
Christina: Mine is Nasty. Reminds me of mom.
Gretchen: Gretchen, Governor Raymond if you’re nasty.
Christina: You’ve ruined it.
Anthony: Shush, the ad’s on!
Gretchen’s ad begins running on the television.
Gretchen: Rhode Island, it’s Governor Gretchen Raymond. You may have heard recently about some misdeeds I committed nearly forty years ago. I apologized to the people I hurt with those actions then, and I apologize now to all of you. Though I have grown so much as a person since then, and have long moved on from that rebellious teenage phase, it still pains me to know that you’ve been hurt by these revelations. I must reiterate that this is in the past, even if you’ve all only heard of it recently. What’s not in the past is that someone took the time to dig up sealed information about an incident that occurred when I was a juvenile - just sixteen years old. Henry Thorne did just that. If you can’t trust him to respect his opponent enough to not commit a crime in accessing sealed personal records, how can you ever trust him to do right by you? He says he’s tough on crime, I say he’s too busy committing them. I’m Governor Raymond, and I approve this message.
The ad ends.
Gretchen: So, what’d you think?
Lucinda: You made an ad about the time you committed a crime?
Gretchen: I had to apologize, mom.
Lucinda: You tend to not highlight that in campaign ads. Just a rule of thumb. Crime bad.
Anthony: I loved it! You really stuck it to him!
Gretchen: Thank you.
Lucinda: If you don’t have him, who do you have?
Gretchen: Your support means so much, mom. I’m glad to know you’re pulling that lever for me next week.
Lucinda: I’m sort of undecided after that ad.
What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read a new episode next week!
