TOMMY
Primary night.
CASEY
You ready?
DARNELL
What do you mean am I ready? I got endorsed by two presidents. That’s unprecedented for someone who hasn’t even gone through a primary yet!
CASEY
Remember, this is the only one. You can’t get 8 percent of the vote, tell people you’re gonna win next time, and then become a congressman that way. That’s just not how it works.
DARNELL
I know. Now, have there been any polls of my race?
TOMMY
Not since the endorsements. But a lot of people don’t seem to like you. They think you’re a carpetbagger.
DARNELL
Well, they’re not wrong.
CASEY
Anyways let’s just saw you were the underdog.
DARNELL
Well let’s just watch the results pour in. Also one quick question:
DARNELL pauses.
TOMMY
Yeah?
DARNELL
How do these people feel about election fraud? Like if I pretend the election was stolen from me would they believe it?
CASEY
Dude, you’re running for a House seat. Nobody would care.
DARNELL looks at the early results.
DARNELL
Would you look at that, I’m down 40.
TOMMY
Still early and you don’t know where the votes are coming from.
CASEY
See? You’re only down 30 now!
DARNELL
They’re counting votes fast!
CASEY
They got robots counting votes. Nobody trusts people to count them anymore, apparently.
TOMMY
Down 15!
DARNELL
Oh wow, we’re closing the gap!
TOMMY
Imagine how much you’d be losing by if you didn’t get those endorsements.
CASEY
Probably 60 points.
DARNELL
Down 6 now!
TOMMY
I’m still not sure if this is good or bad!
DARNELL
Are you with me or against me?
TOMMY
Yes.
CASEY
Down 2 points!
DARNELL
I gotta say, wherever the hell I am right now in Ohio is way better than Iowa.
TOMMY
Yeah about that, if you win, you should probably learn where you are.
CASEY
Down half a percentage point!
TOMMY
96% of the vote counted, this is close.
CASEY
Now down seven tenths of a percentage point. Sorry Darnell, you may not pull this off.
TOMMY
Wait a minute! 99% in, down by one tenth of a percentage point!
DARNELL
Should I run third party if I don’t pull this off?
TOMMY
If you want the Democrat to run away with the election, sure.
CASEY
I wouldn’t mind it, personally.
TOMMY
Yes for the sake of the Democrat, go Not Darnell!
The race is called. DARNELL wins by 28 votes.
DARNELL
Well that was a close one.
CASEY
Yeah you would’ve gotten crushed without those endorsements.
DARNELL
Looks like it’s back to the campaign trail. I’m on my way to President, guys!
TOMMY
All things considered, you kinda flopped.
DARNELL
Don’t ruin my moment.
TOMMY and CASEY leave. DARNELL takes out his phone and goes on social media. He writes ‘TAKE THAT IOWA!!!!’ and goes to bed.