Our House Season 5 Episode 2 - Our Dairyland

Our House Season 5, Episode 2
Our Dairyland

The family is driving in their RV while heading to their vacation destination.

Teri: Dad, where are we now?

Cindy: How many times are you going to ask this?

Teri: Until we get to the overnight rest stop.

Betty: Rest stop? Oh no, we're going straight through. That’s why we’ve got Jerry and you-know-who sleeping in the back.

Ralph: I thought you just sent Frank back there because he’s annoying.

Betty: That was part of the decision, won’t lie.

Danielle: I asked her if she wanted me to drive, but she screamed “NO!” at me because she desperately wanted to get rid of Frank for a few hours.

Teri: As much as I approve of any plan to get Frank out of our hair for a bit, is it that imperative that we get to Wisconsin immediately? We can’t just sleep overnight somewhere?

Betty: I know you get motion sickness if you sleep while we’re driving. It’s okay, we’ll let you sleep next to the bathroom.

Teri: What an honor.

Mitchell: Who chose Wisconsin, by the way? I love cheese -

Velma: We know.

Mitchell: but do they have anything besides that?

Ralph: Milk, butter, ice cream.

Mitchell: Mmm… ice cream.

Velma: I married Homer Simpson.

Karl: Anyway, to finally answer your question, we’re in Ohio.

Teri: Ugh. That’s unfortunate.

The next morning…

Frank: Everyone, wake the heck up.

Teri: Heck? Just say the word, man.

Frank: We’re here. You’re welcome.

Tammi: I commend you, honey. You got us here and you don’t even look so exhausted that you’re about to faint.

Teri: Well, he did get a nine-hour nap in before this.

Zeke: How did you even do that, man?

Frank: Hard work and dedication.

Betty: When have you ever worked hard?

Tammi: Grandma!

Betty: I only say what everyone else thinks!

Teri: Can we just get out of this stinky tin can and get into the hotel?

Betty: Hotel? This is our hotel.

Teri: I will end your life.

Betty: Kidding! Kidding!

Teri: That is the least-funny thing you have ever said. I can’t take ten more minutes of this.

Cindy: And you wanted another day of it!

Teri: Look, that was twelve hours and four states ago.

Tammi: Who wants to help me unpack this thing?

Jerry: I have been staring at the road for eight hours straight with only Frank to talk to. I need a nap.

Velma: Everyone’s gonna be on a weird sleep schedule thanks to this trip.

Betty: But is it not worth it for beautiful Sturgeon Bay, Wisconsin?

Jerry: If only I were awake enough to be able to open my eyes and see it.

Mitchell: The hotel looks nice!

Ralph: That is the most important thing for you, seeing as you spend half of any given vacation in the room.

Danielle: Technically, we all do, between the time it takes to sleep, shower, eat and everything else you gotta do at the room. But, yes, Mitchell spends more vacation time at the hotel than just about anyone else on earth. It’s because he’s a load.

Mitchell: I’m right here.

Danielle: And it’s worth letting you know.

Tammi: You can prove you’re not a load, Mitchell. You can help carry the suitcases in.

Mitchell: I pulled my back in my sleep last night.

Tammi: Load.

The next day…

Teri: So, mom. What’s on the agenda today here in America’s Dairyland.

Mitchell: I hope it’s getting some of that ice cream you were talking about yesterday. I’m very hungry for some.

Velma: When aren’t you?

Mitchell: But it’s not every day you get genuine Wisconsin ice cream!

Betty: Maybe no ice cream today, but the do have a dairy-centered day.

Ralph: I can’t believe I just heard those words on my vacation. Who picked this place?

Karl: Your mother.

Ralph: I wanted something different. We always go to Maine, or some other beach place. I thought a nice, rustic, lake vacation would be nice.

Teri: We’re on Lake Michigan, famous for its beaches and coastline. One of the main selling points was that it has many lighthouses.

Jerry: This is like “What if we go to the beach, but it’s cold and you can’t go swimming?”

Betty: This is a great vacation for fall.

Danielle: I’m freezing my ass off.

Betty: You think I’m not? Something you’ve got to make sacrifices for family!

Cindy: You’re annoying her, guys.

Teri: Okay, everyone back off. Mom, where are we going today?

Betty: A dairy farm! And then we’re going to Culver’s!

Ralph: A dairy farm?

Mitchell: Culver’s? What the hell is that?

Betty: It’s a Wisconsin-based fast food restaurant. We have to acquaint ourselves with their cuisine and culture.

Mitchell: Do they have ice cream?

Betty: They have custard, that’s what they’re known for.

Mitchell: Good enough.

Velma: An old shoe filled with whipped cream would be good enough for you. Don’t let the Mitchell endorsement go too your head, Culver’s.

Steven: I heard Olivia Rodrigo mention that place once.

Frank: Well, if Ariana Grande says it’s good, we have two go.

Steven: Dad, they’re different people.

Frank: Then their names should sound a little more different.

Tammi: We’re eating fast food on vacation?

Jerry: Was the McDonald’s closed for renovation?

Karl: Can you all stop giving her a hard time? Dammit, she worked so hard putting this together for everyone and you’re all mocking her for it. We wouldn’t even be on vacation - this one or any one - right now if not for her.

Ralph: That sounds lovely.

Karl: I’m so tired of all of you making her the butt of every joke!

Tammi: That’s not true, Frank is the butt of most jokes. Most of them coming from grandma, I must add.

Teri: He makes himself such an easy target.

Karl: Where is Frank, by the way?

Tammi: He’s still asleep. His schedule is still all out of whack.

Betty: Quick, everyone, in the RV now! This is not a drill, get moving!

Cindy: Most of us aren’t even dressed.

Betty: Do I look like I care? Get your butts moving, the cows don’t mind pajamas!

Teri: I think they’ll mind Jerry’s “outfit,” though.

Jerry: Oh, you have a problem with my beautiful underwear?

Teri: You mean Cindy’s thong? Yes, my eyes will never recover from seeing you squished into it.

Two hours later…

Betty: I still can’t believe you people forced me to wait for Frank. What is wrong with you?

Teri: Mom, how could we go to a dairy farm without our resident cow?

Velma: Mitchell was awake in time to go.

Frank: I’m right here. I prefer to be referred to as a “bull,” now a cow.

Teri: Facts don’t care about your feelings.

Jerry: So, what is it exactly that we’re going to do here?

Teri: Thankfully, wear pants.

Jerry: Oh, you loved every second of it.

Danielle: You’ll be paying therapy bills for both her and me for quite some time.

Betty: We’re going to get a tour of this cute little working dairy farm. They even let you milk the cow.

Teri: Tammi has experience with that.

Tammi: I can not believe you just said that.

Steven: What’d she say? I wasn’t listening.

Teri: I merely referred to your mother’s distinguished tenure as a Girl Scout. You won the farming badge by working with cows, remember?

Tammi: I’m so shaken, I don’t even know if you’re lying or now.

Ralph: Ah, don’t you just love family?

Betty: Is this not exciting? This is the place where dreams are made!

Teri: Dreams? This is where butter is made. It’s not Disney World.

Velma: Mitchell dreams of butter.

Betty: Are we just going to bicker in this RV, or are we going to go make some family memories?

Danielle: I just realized who she reminds me of.

Ralph: An escaped mental patient?

Danielle: Clark Griswold. You know, from National Lampoon’s Vacation.

Cindy: I can see it.

Betty: I take that as a compliment. Clark was a family man who wanted to make sure that those he loved were able tot make fun memories. He’s someone to aspire to be.

Teri: That’s an interesting take on that movie franchise.

Ralph: Looks like mom’s going to get a twelve foot living tree and then burn it down for Christmas this year.

Karl: Don’t give her any ideas.

Ten minutes later…

Estelle (farm owner): Hello, and welcome to Bartleby Family Farms. I’m Estelle, I’m one of the owners here. We’re a sixth-generation humane, animal-friendly Wisconsin family-run farm, and our dairy is used all across the country. Today, we’re going to show you our facilities and how they operate, as well as some of our gorgeous land. You’ll also get a chance to milk a real cow, and just for coming out to see us and braving the cold, you’ll get fee admission to our pumpkin patch with a coupon for one free pumpkin per group.

Betty: Estelle, thank you for allowing us to visit your beautiful farm! We are the Bellwoods, and we are, believe it or not, all here together, we’re a family.

Danielle: I’m not really related, I’m just a friend.

Teri: Was that necessary?

Danielle: Yes.

Karl: We’re up from Virginia.

Estelle: I’m glad you made the trip here! Now, who wants to see the farm?

Ralph: Well, when in Rome…

One hour later…

Estelle: There you have it, that’s our farm, that’s you get the diary used in all your pasteurized milk and ice cream and butter and cheese, every little thing Wisconsin is world-famous for producing. That’s not the best part of the tour, though! Who is ready to milk a real cow?

Karl: Wow, look at all those hands.

Estelle: Come on, at least one of you has to want to pet Beauregard!

Teri: Frank!

Frank: No, you are not bullying me into doing this.

Velma: Come on, its looks fun!

Frank: It’s a cow. I don’t want to touch its utters.

Estelle: He’s very clean.

Cindy: Well, Estelle, I think our entire family is too chicken to milk your cow.

Jerry: I’ll do it. If I can serve in Afghanistan, I can milk a damn cow.

Steven: Dad, you’re really too afraid? You’re just letting grandpa do it instead?

Frank: I’m not scared, it’s just gross.

Estelle: You know, Beau has feelings too.

Frank: Sorry, Beau.

Teri: He’s talking to a cow now.

Danielle: Is that not what we came to Wisconsin to do?

Jerry: So, how do I work this thing?

Velma: I feel like he has to ask you that a lot, Cindy.

Cindy: More than you can imagine.

Estelle: Just put your hands on utters and pull gently.

Jerry: Okay, here we go.

Tammi: Wow, dad. Impressive stream.

Cindy: Honey, don’t say that.

Steven: Does that mean something?

Estelle: He is very good at this!

Teri: Lots of practice, I assume.

Ralph: I can’t believe I’m spending my vacation watching Jerry jerk off a cow.

Tammi: He’s milking it, that’s different.

Frank: You see now why I didn’t want to do this? You’re all childr-

Betty: Shut up, Frank!

Teri: It’s truly is a Griswold Family Vacation.

Jerry knocks over the bucket of milk and it spills on his foot.

Jerry: It’s warm! Why is its warm?

Teri: Well, you see, it’s stored inside the body of a living being, and living beings tend to have warm body temperatures.

Jerry: I need new shoes!

Tammi: I have some flip-flops in the RV!

Teri: He’d look so damn cute in those!

Jerry: You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?

Teri: An unimaginable amount. You’re right, mom. This was the perfect vacation choice.

Betty: So, the pumpkin patch!

Estelle: Right this way.

The next night…

Velma: I know it’s only been two days, but when are we going to go on our lighthouse tour?

Mitchell: You are obsessed with lighthouses!

Velma: Better than being obsessed with laying around all day like a lug and watching George Lopez.

Mitchell (imitating George Lopez): I got this!

Mitchell begins choking.

Cindy: That’s what you get for not sitting back and enjoying your fish fry.

Teri: You’d think he’d be able to do that given it’s a piece of fish battered in beer on a buttery slice of bread.

Mitchell: I’m sorry, I have the complainer over here worrying about her lighthouses.

Danielle: They have lighthouses in Wisconsin?

Velma: They have tons! It’s much different than you imagine when you hear it.

Tammi: I just think of dairy farms.

Jerry: Don’t mention those words.

Ralph: Don’t you mean “don’t udder those words?”

Jerry: You’re all sick.

Karl: It wasn’t that bad, Jer. So you had some warm fresh milk on your feet that felt like pee. We’ve all dealt with worse.

Jerry: It was the teasing all the way back to the room. You mocked me at Culver’s, right to the girl taking the order.

Karl: Well, did you see the shoes you were wearing?

Tammi: Those are my best flip-flops!

Mitchell: Culver’s, now that’s a fast food joint. We should have one of those back at home.

Velma: You’d eat us out of house and home, just from those damn cheese curds.

Cindy: Hey, on the plus side, he ordered enough of them that we have them to eat as snacks for the rest of the week!

Zeke: Not with me and Mitch around.

Cindy: Just don’t smoke pot, then you two won’t be eating them during your midnight munchies.

Betty: I believe there was a mention of a lighthouse tour?

Ralph: About twenty minutes ago, yes.

Betty: Well, Velma, you’re in luck.

Velma: Tomorrow?

Betty: No, Sunday. Tomorrow we’re driving to Green Bay. Can’t go on a Sunday, not with all those wacky Cheeseheads.

Karl: Keep it down if you’re gonna disrespect the Packers. I don’t want us getting filleted like the fish we’re eating.

Mitchell: What’s this about Bobby Flay?

Danielle: If I may ask, what else is on the agenda for the week?

Betty: Well, we’ve got eight more days here. So one day is a trop to Green Bay and some of the towns down south. Then the lighthouses. After that, there are a few state parks that looks nice here in Sturgeon Bay, some museums for those days that it’ll rain, a winery -

Steven: Ooh, wine!

Tammi: None for you.

Betty: There are some nice waterfalls, beaches to check out,   shops and, of course, more farms.

Mitchell: What about ice cream? We going for some more of that?

Betty: Yeah, I suppose. Even if it is freezing out!

Mitchell: Never too cold for ice cream.

Betty: Oh, there’s a bakery in town I want to go to. They have something called a kringle that looks amazing. 

Cindy: Sounds jolly.

Betty: Actually, there are a lot of shops to check out down town. We could spend a whole day there.

Ralph: Well, I hope you know that we’ll never remember any of that.

Betty: Don’t worry, I will!

Velma: I’m getting to see my lighthouses, that’s all that matters for me.

Betty: Maybe we could even take a boat ride one day! Wouldn’t that be nice?

Ralph: That didn’t go so well for the characters on Gilligan’s Island.

Betty: Don’t be so negative!

What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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