ROBERT, CHARLES, ACE, FELIX, MANNY, HARRY, DEVIN, and LORENZO are all in the bullpen of an Indianapolis Primitives’ playoff game.
ROBERT
Is anyone else bored of the playoffs? Everyone knows the Primitives are gonna win the championship and we’ll have nothing to do with it.
LORENZO
Whenever I get bored, I like to think of being at my happy place.
FELIX
Cotton candy factory?
LORENZO
No. Baseball game.
FELIX
Your…happy place is a baseball game?
LORENZO
No, that’s where we are now.
FELIX
But you were just—eh nevermind.
CHARLES
I for one am excited to have such great seats for the playoffs. I’ve sit in so many different seats watching playoff games. Up in that seat by third base is where I caught a foul ball with my chest!
DEVIN
You mean to say the ball hit you, hurt your chest, and then someone nearby took it?
CHARLES
Not my favorite moment of that game but it certainly was the most memorable! Then again, it happened on the first pitch and I had to leave with chest pains right after so there wasn’t much competition.
ACE
But then if it’s the only moment of that game from you, how is it the most memorable but not the favorite?
CHARLES
Oh…good point.
ACE
Not making a point, just asking a question.
CHARLES
Oh…good question.
HARRY
It is agonizing having to overhear this conversation. I really didn’t think I’d be asking this, but does anyone want anything to eat?
LORENZO
Nah, we’re good.
HARRY
Well in that case I’m leaving.
HARRY walks away.
MANNY turns to LORENZO.
MANNY
I haven’t eaten since breakfast, you’re the one who had an entire buffet before the game began.
LORENZO
I’m sorry, but us athletes need a lot of calories from all that we burn.
MANNY
You’re not an athlete, Lorenzo.
LORENZO
Are you sure about that? Because the bullpen phone’s ringing and there’s a 1 in something chance they want me to pitch.
MANNY answers the phone, listens, and hangs up without saying a word.
DEVIN
Well?
MANNY
Butt dialed.
FELIX
Oh so I see they’re having fun at the dugout again.
MANNY
They didn’t know, it was a butt dial.
FELIX
Not sure I should be telling you this but when I was a starting pitcher and you were the manager, we’d prank call the bullpen all the time when you weren’t looking.
MANNY
WHAT!?
FELIX
Yeah, we’d just dial the number and then not say a word. It was pretty entertaining.
ROBERT
Felix, I hate to break this to you, but I don’t think we ever once answered one of your prank calls.
LORENZO
Yeah, we figured we had nothing to gain out of that.
FELIX
Well we found it funny regardless. Hey, what do you guys say we prank call the dugout?
ACE
Prank call or crank call?
FELIX
What’s the difference.
ACE
Prank call is when you call someone as a prank and crank call is—actually, I don’t know.
DEVIN
Someone should look it up.
FELIX
I think you just volunteered.
DEVIN
Alright, fine.
DEVIN stares blankly at his phone.
DEVIN
Yeah I can’t figure it out.
FELIX
Whatever, we don’t have all day.
LORENZO
Actually we kind of do, these games take forever.
MANNY
And you’re sure this is a good idea?
FELIX
I never said that. But it’ll be fun.
MANNY
If this goes bad then I’m Manny’s identical twin brother, Sammy.
ROBERT
I didn’t know you had an identical twin brother! Wait, which one are you? Manny or Sammy?
MANNY rolls his eyes.
MANNY
Just do the prank crank call.
FELIX starts giggling. He dials the number to the dugout. JASON, the pitching coach, answers.
JASON
I’m just gonna guess this is something related to Lorenzo and tell you to give him some sugary treat. Unless the problem is that he’s had too much sugar, then it’s best to just leave.
No one from the bullpen answers.
JASON
Hello?
FELIX [in a different voice]
Congratulations! You’ve just won a prize! Head on over to the bullpen now to pick it up!
JASON
Be right there!
JASON runs to the bullpen.
JASON
I’m here to pick up my prize!
DEVIN
What prize?
JASON
You prank called during a playoff game?
ROBERT
CRANK called. There’s a difference, maybe.
MANNY
Hey there! I’m Sammy, Manny’s twin brother. Manny’s not here today so he can’t get in trouble.
JASON
Nice try Manny. Lorenzo, stand up.
LORENZO stands up. JASON sits down in his seat.
JASON
Nice and heated. Thanks for my prize!
LORENZO
Nice going Felix, I lost my seat.
JASON
You guys really don’t have to be here you know.
ROBERT
Good to offer moral support.
JASON
No, I mean, it’s the playoffs. We put starters in the game to relieve if necessary and we kind of need this space.
ROBERT
Where do you expect us to be then?
JASON
Clubhouse maybe.
LORENZO
Great idea! I bet they have good stuff to eat there!
Everyone from the bullpen leaves.
JASON [to himself]
Why did I say that?