Gretchen is relaxing in her living room.
Christina: Mom!
Gretchen: Oh, god. You scared the hell out of me.
Christina: Did you see this?
Gretchen: It would help it you faced the computer towards me so I can see it.
Christina: Here.
Gretchen: Oh Jesus…
Lucinda: Don’t take Christ’s name in vain!
Gretchen: You would too if you saw what I just saw.
Christina: It would help if you faced the computer so she can see it.
Gretchen: I deserved that.
Lucinda: What’s so bad about this?
Gretchen: “Matthews vows to lower taxes ‘across the board’ amid tough budget fights in Providence”
Lucinda: Yeah? Lower taxes are good.
Gretchen: Are they? Even for the billionaires?
Lucinda: Honey, what billionaires are making Rhode Island their home?
Gretchen: Many! Well, maybe not billionaires. Certainly many millionaires, though!
Lucinda: I’m sure Hank doesn’t mean he’s lowering taxes for them.
Gretchen: Oh, I’m sure he does. He’s terrible.
Toby: Why is Hank, mom?
Gretchen: Oh, Toby! It feels like I barely see you anymore!
Anthony: Between soccer practice, oboe lessons and mathletes, he’s barely ever home. And with you at work, our schedules are so messed up. We don’t see each other nearly enough.
Lucinda: I know you know that there were so many ways for you to say that quicker.
Anthony: My whole purpose for living is to annoy you, after all.
Gretchen: So what am I going to do?
Christina: Get back to watching Sex and the City?
Gretchen: That Samantha does help distract me from my troubles. But no.
Lucinda: I was quite invested in this episode, so I feel a bit betrayed.
Gretchen: You know what? We’ll keep watching it. It’s my day off, I deserve some relaxation.
Lucinda: Attagirl!
Christina: I can’t help but feel that if mom were to put off work for any reason other than to experience the adventures of Carrie Bradshaw and friends, you'd be mocking her for it.
Lucinda: Your feelings are correct.
Christina: Okay, glad we’re on the same page.
Twenty minutes later…
Toby: Mom, your phone is ringing!
Gretchen: It’s probably a spam call, just ignore it.
Christina: Mom, why is your ringtone Levitating by Dua Lipa?
Gretchen: Is there something wrong with that? Is that not what the kids are listening to?
Christina: Well, not anymore. Not now that I know you like it.
Anthony: Christina, you’re twenty-three years old. You should’ve outgrown the rebellious teenager phase by now.
Christina: You’re never too old to find your parents uncool.
Lucinda: Shh, Miranda is talking. She’s my favorite!
Christina: I just realized we’re watching this in front of Toby. That feels irresponsible.
Gretchen: He’s heard worse.
Lucinda: Has he seen worse?
Anthony: He’s a teenage boy, yes, he’s seen worse.
Toby: Mom, your phone is ringing again!
Gretchen: The spammers are relentless! It’s the weekend, take some damn time off!
Toby: It says it’s from Carol.
Gretchen: I think I should probably answer that.
Lucinda: Maybe it’s a scammer named Carol?
Gretchen: The odds of that feel pretty low, mom.
Gretchen picks up her phone and answers the call.
Carol: I’m so glad you picked up. You never know with you.
Gretchen: What’s that supposed to mean?
Carol: You know exactly what it means.
Gretchen: Yeah, I do.
Carol: Did you see the story in the Gazette?
Gretchen: Unfortunately. It’s completely ruined my Sunday!
Carol: What are your thoughts?
Gretchen: I think I’m not happy about it.
Carol: Okay, glad we’re on the same page.
Gretchen: Why wouldn’t we be?
Carol: You can be a bit eccentric sometimes.
Gretchen: I’m not going to be okay with someone else tanking my agenda, Carol. That’s a bit beyond “eccentric.”
Carol: You didn’t seem to care last week when Samantha tried to sabotage your infrastructure bill.
Gretchen: I cared! I just didn’t have the means to stop it, so I let Jesus take the wheel.
Carol: Ironic you’d use that phrase, since they cut down the coast of the bill so much, we can’t fix any of the roads and now it’s not safe for Jesus to be taking any wheels in the state of Rhode Island.
Gretchen: That was a terrible pun.
Carol: I know. But what are we going to about the tax plan?
Gretchen: Let’s worry about that tomorrow. Enjoy the day off.
Carol: Are you sure that’s wise?
Gretchen: What’s the harm? It’s not like we can negotiate with Hank and Jeanne on a Sunday.
Carol: Okay, but this is what we’re focusing on all day tomorrow. No ribbon-cutting ceremonies to distract you.
Gretchen: That’s fine. Those tire me out, anyway.
Carol: I truly hope you’re joking.
Gretchen: Carol! Of course I’m joking! The only tiring thing about them is that I’m tired of having that be the main thing I do in office.
Carol: You haven’t had to do one in a while, we’ve been quite busy.
Gretchen: Only because Samantha’s dumb primary challenge is distracting us from our real work.
Carol: I can tell this is gonna be a whole thing, so, uh, see you tomorrow, Gretchen.
Gretchen: Good choice!
The next day, at the office…
Susana: You ready to go argue with Hank?
Carol: Susana! That’s wrong! We’re gonna argue with Jeanne, too.
Susana: Sorry, I didn’t mean to exclude her.
Gretchen: Are you two done?
Carol: Sorry to annoy you.
Susana: So you’re ready to go?
Gretchen: I’ve been stressing about it all day.
Susana: It’s only nine in the morning.
Gretchen: I got up at five today because of this!
Carol: Wow! You actually do care about this!
Gretchen: I told you so!
Carol: Then let’s get to this meeting so we can try to hammer out a deal.
Susana: Speaking of hammers, if this meeting goes south, we could just knock Hank and Jeanne out with a blunt object.
Gretchen: That better be a joke
Susana: Of course it’s a joke! They’re not worth going to jail over.
Samantha: Who isn’t?
Gretchen: How do you always pop up like this? What did we do to deserve it?
Samantha: We work on the same floor.
Gretchen: Since when?
Samantha: Since forever.
Gretchen: Are you serious?
Samantha: Nah, I’m just using an empty office on this floor while a burst pipe in my office gets fixed.
Gretchen: I think I speak for us all when I say that pipe truly can’t get fixed soon enough.
Samantha: Thank you, you’re too kind.
Gretchen: Never say those words to me again.
Samantha: Don’t worry, I never will. Saying it once almost made me throw up.
Carol: We need to get to the meeting, Gretchen. Say goodbye to your enemy so we can go.
Samantha: Meeting? That’s interesting.
Gretchen: I don’t know why you say that. You’re not invited.
Samantha: Who is it with?
Gretchen: I don’t see how that’s relevant.
Samantha: It’s about the tax reform, isn’t it?
Gretchen: I have to go, goodbye.
Samantha: You’re turning red.
Gretchen: I’m a redhead. I’m always red.
Samantha: You’re more red than usual. I’m right, it’s about the tax bill. You can’t leave me out of that!
Gretchen: I can, because once again, you’re not invited. See you later.
Susana: Let’s get down there before Hank and Jeanne leave and we get nowhere.
Samantha: You’re meeting with Hank AND Jeanne?
Carol: Dammit, Susana!
Susana: Sorry!
Samantha: I’m coming with.
Gretchen: Why will you not leave me alone?
Samantha: Because I’m the lieutenant governor and I‘m being left out of important meetings. I won’t stand for it.
Gretchen: Can you sit for it, then?
Samantha: Just let me come with, I won’t disrupt anything.
Gretchen: You sound like a child.
Samantha: You’re sure treating me like one.
Gretchen Fine, come with.
Susana: What?
Gretchen: I’m tired of arguing with her.
Samantha: This is gonna be fun!
Five minutes later, in Jeanne’s office…
Jeanne: Welcome to my office, Governor! You’re late, I assume you got lost on the walk up the single flight of stairs.
Gretchen: I’m sorry, a parasite attached herself to me and wouldn’t let go.
Hank: It’s lovely to see you, lieutenant governor Pratt.
Gretchen: I’m here, too!
Hank: Yeah, you too.
Samantha: I have a bone to pick with the two of you. Why was I not invited to this meeting in the first place?
Susana: You said you wouldn’t disrupt anything!
Carol: Don’t get her started.
Jeanne: We didn’t mean to exclude you, it was a last-minute thing and the office of the lieutenant governor isn’t naturally invited in writing tax bills, so, we didn’t even think to invite you.
Carol: That’s code for “we didn’t want you here.”
Gretchen: So, taxes!
Jeanne: That is what we’re here to talk about!
Gretchen: Hank, I saw your article in the Gazette yesterday.
Hank: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Gretchen: Sure you don’t.
Hank: I didn’t write any article.
Gretchen: You talked to a reporter.
Hank: Oh, that.
Gretchen: That was very obviously what I meant.
Hank: What’s wrong with what I said?
Gretchen: Lowering taxes across the board is not even on the table.
Jeanne: Do you want to raise taxes
Gretchen: Not on the middle-class. Not on the lower-class.
Jeanne: So on the upper-class?
Gretchen: Obviously. They need to pay their share.
Hank: That doesn’t work for me.
Gretchen: Of course it doesn’t. You’re answer only to corporate interests.
Hank: You progressives love to throw that label around without any evidence to back it up.
Gretchen: Carol, you have the receipts?
Carol: Here’s a list of corporations who donated to your most-recent re-election campaign.
Hank: I don’t see how that’s relevant.
Jeanne: I am open to raising taxes on the rich.
Gretchen: Thank you, Jeanne!
Jeanne: I need proof it’s going to actually be used for something good. What’s the plan?
Gretchen: Well, just like any other tax, it’ll be used to pay for the state budget. What else would you like to see it used for?
Jeanne: I want to see some specific plans. I don’t want to take money away from people if we’re not going to use it.
Gretchen: Jeanne, we’re going to use it.
Jeanne: Do you plans to show how?
Gretchen: Carol, where’s the chart?
Hank: You really have a chart for everything.
Carol: I sure do. It’s important.
Jeanne: May I see it?
Carol: Let me model it.
Jeanne: You can just read it.
Carol: Fine… ff you raise taxes on the rich by two percent, it gives us billions to pay for our government programs. That includes funding road repairs, welfare, subsidizing television and film production, healthcare, education and more.
Jeanne: Well, that looks pretty good.
Hank: It’s not working for me.
Gretchen: What does work for you?
Hank: Lower taxes on middle and lower classes, keep them even on the upper-class.
Gretchen: So you want us to have even less money to pay for government programs?
Carol: That’s what he’s saying, yeah.
Gretchen: I really am beginning to think that you’re purposely obstructing just for the sake of obstructing.
Hank: Why would I do that? You always make me out to be some type of villain.
Jeanne: In her defense, you are standing in the way of her agenda. You’re her villain.
Hank: I’m only trying to defend the fiscally-responsible citizens of this state.
Gretchen: What is responsible about lowering the amount of funds we have to make the government work?
Hank: I’m stopping irresponsible over-spending.
Samantha: I think we can compromise here, guys!
Gretchen: And why would you want to compromise?
Samantha: Because I care.
Hank: What’s your compromise? Maybe you’ll propose something sane.
Gretchen: That would imply that I said anything that was out of line. I didn’t.
Hank: A two-percent tax raise for anyone is ridiculous. You’d make me look like a liar.
Gretchen: I’m not the one who promised to lower taxes for everyone. You were so dumb for that.
Hank: Not as dumb as it is to -
Samantha: Can I speak?
Jeanne: Let her speak before you two kill one another.
Gretchen: You promised not to disrupt anything, but go ahead.
Samantha: Lower taxes for middle and lower-class citizens. Raise taxes slightly on upper-class citizens, enough that the government income is even with last year’s tax income, with the raised upper-class taxes entirely offsetting the lower taxes for middle and lower-classes.
Hank: That is workable.
Gretchen: You know what? Fine. You can work to put the bill together so long as Hank agrees to support it.
Hank: I will. It’s better than your commie plan.
Gretchen: Then that’s fine. At least you’ll be busy and off my back.
Jeanne: This has been quite the productive meeting! Color me shocked!
Gretchen: We can get things done when we’re not completely intent on getting nothing done.
Thirty minutes later, in Gretchen’s office…
Carol: What the hell was that?
Gretchen: I don’t know! I just crumbled!
Susana: It wasn’t that bad.
Gretchen: I completely failed. I not only didn’t get anywhere near what I was asking for, I let Samantha get credit for it. I don’t know what I was thinking, but I really messed up.
Susana: We can always spill a Jamba Juice on this bill, too.
Carol: No, not again. That was very stressful.
Gretchen: They played me. I fell right into their hands.
Carol: Tomorrow’s another day. Another day where you’re probably gonna have to sign that crappy bill into law, but still, another day.
What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below and make sure to return next week for a new episode!
