Olivia is sitting at home with Fred, watching television.
Fred: Honey, are you paying attention?
Olivia: Sort of. I’m trying to look at my Finsta.
Fred: Your… your what?
Olivia: Fake Instagram.
Fred: Surely you know I’m going to need further elaboration.
Olivia: Instagram is a social media app and website where people can post pictures of themselves or whatever they want.
Fred: Let’s pretend I understood that. Why would you need a fake one?
Olivia: I can’t be posting about how much I love The Rolling Stones and detest James Corden on the official Royal Family account.
Fred: What did James Corden ever do?
Olivia: Where do I begin?
Fred: How did you learn to operate an “Instagram,” anyway?
Olivia: Oh, Arthur. Gigi and Todd have accounts, too, but I’m their mother. They don’t think I’m nearly cool enough to even have an Instagram.
Fred: So you’re not interested in watching Young Sheldon?
Olivia: What is a Young Sheldon?
Fred: The show that’s on. It’s American.
Olivia: I’m assuming it has about thirty episodes in a season. Americans always overdo it like that
Fred: It’s a funny show about a child genius, just enjoy it for what it is.
Olivia’s phone rings.
Fred: You gonna get that, Liv?
Olivia: I don’t even know who it’s from. Could be someone trying to trick me. I need to be careful before answering my phone, I’m in the public eye.
Fred: It says it’s from your mother.
Olivia: Ugh…
Fred: I’m sure her heart will be warmed to hear how excited you are to speak to her.
Olivia: It’s reasons like this that I don’t answer the phone without question. If I didn’t bother to check who it was first, I’d be talking to my mother right now. That would be a nightmare.
Fred: You can’t ignore her, she’s the Queen.
Olivia: She’s also my mother. I can certainly ignore my mother.
Fred: She's calling again…
Olivia: I’m ignoring her again.
Fred: No, you’re not.
Fred picks up the call and hangs the phone to Olivia.
Olivia (whispering): I hate you.
Fred (whispering): I love you, too.
Eleanor: Thank the lord, you finally answered. I was getting worried.
Olivia: Mother.
Eleanor: That’s all you have to say? Your mother was worried about you and your only response is “Mother?”
Olivia: It’s late, I wasn’t expecting a call from you.
Eleanor: It’s seven o’clock, you think that’s late? What are you, a hundred?
Olivia: Early to bed, early to rise makes a woman healthy, wealthy and wise. Benjamin Franklin said that and it’s very true.
Eleanor: Don’t quote those traitorous yanks.
Olivia: So what, exactly, is this call about?
Eleanor: Your daughter.
Olivia: What did Gigi do now?
Eleanor: Your brother -
Olivia: Which one? I have three.
Eleanor: Claude.
Olivia: What does he have to do with Gigi?
Eleanor: Claude just called me to let me know that Genevieve’s wild night out partying is all over the tabloids.
Olivia: Her what?
Eleanor: My granddaughter, your daughter -
Olivia: I am aware of who Gigi is, thanks for clarifying, though.
Eleanor: She was spotted at a club drinking and doing… I don’t even want to say.
Olivia: Say it, mother.
Eleanor: Mary huana.
Olivia: Do you mean marijuana?
Eleanor: Sure.
Olivia: You know, I’m out of touch, but you are hilariously so.
Eleanor: Not being able to pronounce the names of drugs does not make me out of touch.
Olivia: It’s too late for this, mother. We’ll talk about this tomorrow when I see you. Okay?
Eleanor: Fine. If you want your daughter to spend the rest of the night embarrassing us, go ahead.
Olivia: All right, goodnight and goodbye.
Olivia hangs up.
Fred: What was that about?
Olivia: Idiocy.
The next day, at Buckingham Palace…
Eleanor: Olivia, I’m glad you could join us. Finally.
Olivia: Sorry, there was traffic.
Eleanor: I don’t care, you're here now. That’s what matters.
Ethan: Did I just hear my mother say it didn’t matter that someone was late to a meeting with her?
Olivia: My ears don’t believe it.
Eleanor: They’d better start. I’m finally realizing that there’s some things in life more important than punctuality. Some things, such as reputation.
Olivia: Here we go…
Arthur: She’s been talking about this ever since we got here. She’s quite wound up over it.
Eleanor: This family has worked -
Olivia: Have we?
Eleanor: so hard to establish a sterling reputation. I love my granddaughter, but I can’t just sit by and allow her to party like a mad woman doing drugs and getting drunk and lord knows what. It has to be handles.
Olivia: Can I just start by mentioning what a snitch Claude is?
Claude: I am concerned about it myself and I figured telling mum was the best way to get it handled
Olivia: What does it even matter to you?
Claude: I don’t like seeing my family name embarrassed
Olivia: I recall a time when your son did the same thing.
Arthur: I would never! Gran, I would never.
Claire: You were a bit wild before I met you.
Olivia: He what?
Claire: I tamed him. Don’t worry, Your Majesty.
Olivia: I was referring to Nathan.
Claude: I don’t know what you’re referring to.
Selina: I do…
Ethan: Selina, let’s not get involved.
Selina: I love the drama, you know it.
Ethan: I know, dear. You’re basically a sociopath.
Selina: It’s a problem.
Olivia: About ten years ago, I saw pictures of Nathan partying and having a ball with his friends. How did you reprimand him?
Claude: I never knew about it.
Olivia: Let’s assume for a second that I believe that. Are you going to reprimand him now for it?
Claude: He hasn’t done it since, I see no reason to speak with him about it.
Eleanor: You’re changing the subject, Olivia.
Olivia: Is that something I would ever do?
Selina: Yes!
Ethan: Selina!
Selina: Couldn’t help myself!
Eleanor: Olivia, you need to speak with Genevieve.
Olivia: Her name is Gigi, mother.
Eleanor: I don’t like that name.
Olivia: It’s the name everyone calls her.
Eleanor: Not me.
Olivia: You stubborn o-
Arthur: Is she really going to say it?
Olivia: I will stop myself there.
Claire: I thought we were about to witness a homicide.
Eleanor: You really must watch yourself, Olivia. Murder isn’t illegal when I do it.
Olivia: That’s a joke, right?
Eleanor: Is it?
Olivia: I don’t know, you’re not typically funny.
Arthur: Gran is very funny!
Olivia: Since when?
Ethan: She had to pick up the slack once you left since you were always the comic relief.
Olivia: I wasn’t funny! Anthony was the funny one! Where is he, by the way?
Ethan: Who knows?
Eleanor: I need you to do this for me, Olivia. You’re a member of the family again.
Olivia: Didn’t realize estrangement meant I wasn’t blood related anymore.
Eleanor: You know what I mean. You work for the family now, just like back in the day. I’m telling you to make sure Genevieve -
Olivia: Gigi!
Eleanor: Fine, Gigi. Make sure Gigi is presenting herself in a respectful way that does not cast the family in a bad way.
Olivia: I will speak to her if it truly makes you feel better.
Claude: It certainly makes me feel better.
Olivia: Can you learn to mind your own business, Claude?
Claude: Is that a way to speak to your favorite brother?
Olivia: I don’t speak to Ethan like that.
Ethan: Please leave me out of this.
Claude: It’s my business to see that the family is seen in a positive light. This is certainly not a positive light your daughter is shining on us.
Olivia: You’re right, Claude. The twenty-eighth in line for the throne having a night on the town is what will finally bring down the monarchy once and for all in the United Kingdom.
Claude: She’s actually twen-
Olivia: I don’t care!
Claude: You should!
Claire: So, are we not going to eat lunch? It has to be getting cold by now.
Arthur: It’s at least room temperature.
Eleanor: Olivia is finally complying with her orders -
Olivia: My orders? I’m not a servant.
Ethan: Oh, you are. We all are.
Eleanor: What I’m saying is Olivia is going to talk to “Gigi” and get her to calm down. So with that crisis on the way to being solved, we can eat our lunch.
Ethan: Good, because I am starved.
Selina: You just ate before we left the house.
Ethan: Now I’m going to look like a pig! Why would you tell them that?
Selina: Chaos.
Olivia: I just want to say, you two have the perfect marriage. Keep this up.
Two nights later, at Olivia’s house…
Gigi: Mother, I just want to thank you for inviting Warren and I for dinner. I know half past five is a bit late for you, but I’m glad you’re willing to deal with such a late dinner in order to have us here.
Warren (Gigi’s husband): The shepherd’s pie is delicious, Olivia.
Olivia: Thank you, Warren. YOu’re really too kind.
Fred: You’re mostly too kind to her, because I’m the one who made it.
Olivia: That is a lie! I helped!
Warren: Well, whoever made it, it’s incredible.
Gigi: Don’t make a pig out of yourself, babe. Save some for the rest of us. Except Todd, he doesn’t deserve any.
Fred: Todd’s here? Wow, surely this is the longest he’s ever gone without talking.
Todd: I expect that kind of talk from my sister, but I really thought we had a special bond, Fred! How could you?
Fred: Sorry, I’m just being honest.
Olivia: So, Margo. Enjoying being back in the spotlight? You’re married to a working royal again, that must be exciting!
Margo (Todd’s wife): It is… tiring.
Olivia: If you ever need someone to talk to, Fred is here.
Todd: She doesn’t need to talk to Fred, he’ll just poison her mind with lies about me.
Margo: Honey, I know you talk a lot. It’s one of the things that attracted me to you.
Gigi: I’m going to be ill.
Olivia: Not at the table, please.
Gigi: I appreciate how much you care about my health.
Olivia: Speaking of which!
Gigi: Oh no… I promise, mother, I am trying to cut back on sugar.
Olivia: Oh, I don’t care about that. I love that you brought a Black Forest cake, I’m probably going to eat the whole thing out of stress after this.
Gigi: At least save me and Fred a piece.
Warren: What about me?
Gigi: You as well, darling.
Warren: Thanks.
Gigi: Actually, save Margo a piece also.
Todd: Very funny, Gigi.
Gigi: I wasn’t trying to be.
Margo: Yeah, Todd. Don’t you want me to have a piece?
Todd: I didn’t mean that and you know it.
Olivia: So, as I was saying -
Gigi: Yeah, what were you saying?
Fred: I believe she was trying to get around to that.
Gigi: Okay, go ahead.
Olivia: Your grandmother -
Gigi: This should be good.
Olivia: Can I speak without being interrupted?
Todd: Yeah, Gigi. Learn some respect.
Margo: Now you just interrupted.
Todd: I don’t appreciate being spoken to in that way.
Olivia: So, Gigi. Your grandmother asked me to speak to you about something she saw in the papers this weekend.
Gigi: Grandma reads the paper? You mean like The Daily Mail?
Fred: That’s a rag, not a newspaper.
Olivia: It’s the paper I meant, though!
Gigi: What did grandma see in the Daily Fail?
Olivia: She saw pictures of you partying, apparently drinking alcohol and holding drug paraphernalia. I don’t know, I didn’t ask to see it. Your uncle and her both saw it though, and they are concerned.
Gigi: It was just a bit of pot, no big deal.
Warren: You did what? You said you were going to Jenny’s bachelorette party.
Gigi: That’s exactly where I was!
Warren: Jenny was smoking marijuana at her bachelorette party?
Gigi: You know Jenny, she loves a good party.
Todd: I am enjoying this thoroughly.
Margo smacks Todd’s hand.
Todd: What was that for?
Margo: You know.
Gigi: You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?
Todd: Very much so.
Olivia: I feel like I’m talking to two teenagers. I shouldn’t need to be telling my grown daughter what she can an can not do.
Gigi: Why are you?
Olivia: Because we work for the family. We can’t do anything to make the family look bad. We certainly can’t be out getting drunk or high at a nightclub!
Todd: You shouldn’t be wanting to do that, anyway.
Gigi: Oh, bug off.
Todd: Mom, are you going to let her talk to me like that?
Olivia: Yes, but I’m not going to let you act like a child. Knock it off.
Gigi: She got you!
Olivia: You better know it off, too. My god, you’re both in your forties
Todd: I’m thirty-eight. My birthday’s tomorrow!
Olivia: Okay, fine. You’re still old enough to not act like you’re twelve!
Todd: No “happy birthday?”
Fred: Happy birthday.
Olivia: So, Gigi. Ca you refrain from acting like that in public from now on? And, just as your mother, refrain from smoking the marijuana in private, too.
Gigi: Not that it’s any of your business, or any of gran’s business, but I will try to act more respectable in public. I have to keep up our family’s sterling reputation of never making any mistakes.
Olivia: I didn’t say you can’t make any mistakes. Just not in public!
Todd: Remember when mom got a speeding ticket?
Olivia: We don’t talk about the speeding ticket.
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below, and make sure to return for a new episode next week!
