The Princess Royal Season 1, Episode 5
Eleanor is in her room when Claude walks in.
Eleanor: Claude! Don’y your know you’re supposed to knock when entering someone’s room? Especially your mother’s room? Especially when she’s the queen?
Claude: Sorry, mom. It’s just that you called up for me and I assumed you knew I was coming.
Eleanor: That was five minutes ago. I thought you decided not to come.
Claude: You live in Buckingham Palace, it takes a few minutes to get up here.
Eleanor, Well, you’re here now, and your unannounced entry amazingly didn’t send me into cardiac arrest. So, I suppose I should tell you why I called you up here.
Claude: I suppose. Christine’s downstairs and I didn’t tell her I was going anywhere. She’ll get concerned.
Eleanor: I’ll make it quick. Son, I have some news for you.
Claude: Well, I figured that much.
Eleanor: I’m abdicating the throne.
Claude: Wait, what?
Meanwhile, at Olivia’s house…
Fred: Olivia, can you pass the salt?
Gigi: Fred, why are you salting your bacon?
Fred: I like my food salty.
Gigi: You’re going to give yourself a stroke.
Fred: I’m fine.
Todd: Yeah, Gigi. Mind your own business.
Olivia: Kids, I didn’t invite you over to be a nuisance.
Gigi: Is that what you think I am? A nuisance? I am offended!
Todd: When are you not?
Olivia: I am trying to have a nice family breakfast, which we haven’t had time for since I returned to my royal duties. You’re all ruining it with your fighting.
Fred: Me? What did I do?
Olivia: You encouraged their fighting.
Fred: How did I do that?
Olivia: You just did.
Fred: I won’t do it again.
Olivia: Good. So, how is everyone’s week going so far?
Gigi: Well, it’s Sunday. So I’d say it went well. The week’s over now.
Olivia: No need to get so technical.
Olivia’s cell phone rings.
Todd: Mother, is your phone ringing?
Gigi: If it is, why is your ringtone Carol of the Bells? It’s October!
Olivia: Yes, my phone is ringing. No, I do not owe you an explanation for my ringtone. Now, I have to take this, so I’m going to step into the living room for a minute. Try not to stab one another while I’m gone.
Gigi: It’ll be hard, but I’ll try.
Olivia answers her phone.
Olivia: What is it? You never call unless it’s an emergency so I know it’s something big.
Claude: Mother.
Olivia: Is something wrong with mother?
Claude: She’s gone mad.
Olivia: Gone mad?
Claude: Not the time for jokes!
Olivia: What did she do now? Buy another dog? Order her hedges trimmed in the shape of the cast of Loose Women? Put milk in her tea? What is wrong?
Claude: She says she’s abdicating.
Olivia collapses to the floor.
Claude: Olivia, what just happened?
Fred: Honey, what is wrong? And are you okay?
Olivia: I- I’m- I’ve just heard the most insane thing imaginable.
Fred: Well, what is it?
Olivia: My mother is abdicating her throne.
Gigi: Gran is doing what?
Todd: She can’t do this to us!
Gigi: To us?
Todd: The king’s nephew does not get perks from the public. The queen’s grandson does! Uncle Claude as king is going to be a disaster for me!
Claude: Hey there, Todd! Uncle Claude here!
Todd: I didn’t mean it like that, you’re gonna be great!
Gigi: Don’t forgive him, he doesn’t deserve it.
Claude: Olivia, are you physically all right? I heard a thud.
Olivia: I’m fine, just a bit taken aback.
Claude: We all are.
Olivia: Who else knows?
Claude: It’s just me and you.
Olivia: Ethan doesn’t know? Arthur doesn’t know?
Claude: No one but you and I. I just stepped out of her room.
Olivia: Does she hear you? Is she going to yell at you for telling me? She’s scary when she yells.
Claude: She told me to tell you. Only you.
Olivia: Well, I won’t complain about being made to feel special, but why was I singled out?
Claude: She wants the family to meet so she can tell us all. She was afraid you’d get violent if you were put on the spot, so she wanted to give you an advanced warning.
Olivia: On the one hand, I’m offended. On the other, she does know me very well.
Claude: She wants to meet in a few hours. Can you make it?
Olivia: I’d have to get ready immediately, but I can make it. We’ll be there as soon as we can. Don’t you dare start without us!
Claude: Wouldn’t dream of it! We need our comic relief!
Olivia hangs up.
Gigi: We’re going to Buckingham? I thought we were having a family breakfast.
Olivia: I’m sorry, dear. You know how it is, if your grandmother wants to see us, we have to go.
Gigi: I’m not actually upset.
Todd: That’s a first.
Gigi: I’m excited to see everyone. I don’t get invited all the time like you do.
Todd: You just spent a week at Balmoral with the family!
Gigi: That’s different!
Olivia: I actually don’t know if you were invited this time, either. It may have just been Fred and I.
Fred: You’re sure I was invited?
Olivia: Yeah, they like you now.
Gigi: Not me?
Todd: No one likes you!
Olivia: I love you, Gigi. Your family does, too. I’m sure you really were invited.
Gigi: I never would’ve thought I wasn’t until you brought it up.
Olivia: That was my mistake, and I am sorry. Now, I need to go and get ready to go.
Gigi: You’re already dressed now.
Olivia: I need to dress more formally to go to Buckingham Palace. They’d relentlessly mock me if I showed up like this.
Gigi: Are you saying you don’t care to dress up around us? You wear your peasant clothes around us?
Olivia: Just get in the car.
Todd: I think mom just told you to shut up.
Olivia: Todd. Car. Now.
Three hours later…
Ethan: Oh, Olivia. Finally you’re here.
Olivia: I live two and a half hours away, I got here as fast as I could. It takes time to look this good, you know.
Selina: Good? Huh?
Olivia: You look great yourself, Selina. Is that dress from the Wicked Witch collection at John Lewis?
Selina: I’d like to douse you in some water.
Olivia: You mean like in Flashdance? Wow, kinky!
Ethan: It’s nice to see the two of you working so hard to become close friends.
Olivia: Friends? I despise her!
Selina: I detest her.
Olivia: I want to push her off of a cliff.
Selina If she were on fire, I wouldn’t walk across the street to spit on her.
Olivia: I -
Ethan: Enough!
Christine: You know, I consider myself to be something of a drama queen, but the two of you are on another level entirely.
Anthony: I was thinking the exact same thing!
Olivia: Be serious, Anthony. No one’s a bigger drama queen than you!
Arthur: So where is gran? And why did she want us all to meet today?
Claire: I don’t mind a family meeting on a Sunday, but I was a bit busy today. I sure hope this isn’t a disappointment.
Olivia: Oh, I don’t think it will be. It’s a big one.
Claire: How do you know?
Olivia: Daughter’s intuition.
Claire: I don’t think that’s a real thing.
Olivia: Well, you think wrong.
Fred: Excuse her, Claire. It was a long drive.
Claire: I get it. My parents live in -
Eleanor: Oh, good! Everyone’s here. Finally.
Olivia: We live far away, mum! I can’t just teleport here.
Fred: No, but we could move here.
Olivia: And abandon my rose garden? I think not!
Eleanor: Olivia is right.
Olivia: I always am.
Eleanor: Eh… no.
Selina: Never right is more like it.
Christine: She’s not always wrong!
Anthony: Just mostly.
Eleanor: Anyway!
Claude: Mum, I’m so sorry for their rudeness. Please continue.
Eleanor: You just interrupted me to talk about how rude they are for interrupting me.
Claude: That was, you know… I’m sorry.
Eleanor: As I was saying, Olivia is right. You’re not going to be disappointed. I come bearing massive news.
Arthur: Should we be sitting down for this?
Olivia: Based on experience, yes.
Arthur: Experience? Does Aunt Olivia already know why we’re all here today?
Olivia: I’ll never tell.
Eleanor: She does know.
Olivia: Damn you, mother.
Selina: Gasp! You’d speak to your queen that way?
Olivia: Oh, stop kissing her ass, you’re already in the damn family, Selina!
Ethan: Don’t talk to my wife like that, Olivia.
Olivia: Sorry, Selina…
Eleanor: Can I please talk? Good lord?
Mandy (Eleanor’s cousin): Silence everyone!!!
Olivia: Cousin Mandy! It’s been forever.
Mandy: Who are you?
Eleanor: Put on your glasses, Mandy.
Mandy: Oh, Olivia! Hi! I’ve missed you! I didn’t know you were back from your honeymoon!
Olivia: I wasn't -
Claude: Just go with it.
Mandy: Where’s Ted?
Olivia: Claude, how do I go along with this.
Mandy: I’m only kidding! I didn’t know you were back in the family’s good graces, but I’m not so clueless to think you’re still married to that bore Ted.
Gigi: My father was not a bore! A drunk, yes. A bore, no.
Claire: Olivia, your husbands’ names are Ted and Fred?
Olivia: What can I say, I have a type.
Eleanor: You know what? I’m just going to start talking. I’ve asked you all here today to -
Mandy: She said she’s going to start talking! Quiet!
Arthur: We got it, Mandy. Thanks.
Eleanor: I want you all to know that this was not a decision I made lightly, and I’ve been thinking about it for a while.
Ethan: Mother, please say it quickly. They’re not going to stay quiet for very long.
Eleanor: I’ve decided to abdicate the throne. There is nothing any of you can say to change my mind, it is already made up.
Ethan: But, mother! Claude will be king!
Eleanor: I’ve considered that.
Ethan: Claude!
Claude: That’s hurtful.
Ethan: It’s just, well, hard to imagine you as king.
Christine: I agree.
Arthur: Mother!
Christine: I’m just being honest.
Eleanor: I knew you would all say that -
Claude: Now this is just getting hurtful.
Olivia: Notice how I didn’t say anything! I’m a nice person!
Selina: Don’t get ahead of yourself.
Eleanor: Before he died, I told your father about my plans to abdicate. He wanted me to promise that it wasn’t due to his impending death, which it wasn’t. I’m old and tired, and I’m ready to slow down. Once that was explained to him, he supported my decision. I hope you all can as well.
Arthur: It’s going to be hard to get used to, but it’s none of our business.
Eleanor: Thank you, Arthur. I appreciate that at least one of you recognizes that this is my decision alone.
Claude: I would say it’s also my business a bit. I’m going to be king.
Christine: And I will be queen!
Ethan: Well, queen consort.
Christina: Queen.
Ethan: Consort.
Christine: I know how you feel now, Claude.
Eleanor: I really, truly hope that you can all accept this decision.
Arthur: When are you abdicating?
Eleanor: I’m announcing it officially at the end of the year. After Christmas.
Claire: You expect us to keep this secret for two months? This is the chattiest group of people I’ve ever met.
Fred: I won’t lie, I do feel quite special knowing this months before anyone else in the country does. I feel important.
Selina: Who invited you? Olivia, you can’t just bring this guy here uninvited.
Olivia: Ethan does it all the time with you, I don’t see a problem.
Eleanor: I invited him. I want him here. He’s just as much a part of this family as you are.
Olivia: Ha! There! Take that!
Eleanor: Stop arguing!
Olivia: It’s not my fault!
Eleanor: I’m ignoring you and moving on.
Selina: Good choice.
Eleanor: I believe that you all have it in you to keep this a secret. It’s not like we talk to the press.
Claire: Olivia does.
Eleanor: That was twice, that’s it.
Arthur: My brother loves talking to the press, too.
Eleanor: That’s why he wasn’t invited today. He can’t keep his mouth shut.
Claude: I can’t tell my own son that his father’s about to become king?
Arthur: Dad, it’s for the best. Nathan doesn’t know how to keep anything secret.
Christine: Remember when he used to tattle on you when you were little?
Claire: He still complains about that.
Arthur: I do not!
Claire: You do too!
Olivia: I believe you.
Claire: Thank you!
Eleanor: You all came out here and disrupted your days just to see me, so I’ve put together a lunch for us all. Maybe while we eat, Claude can explain some of the plans he has for when he’s king? I know he’s mentioned some reforms he’d like to make.
Ethan: Oh, this is going to be so much.
Claude: So much fun?
Ethan: Just so much.
Three hours later…
Olivia: Well, guys. It’s been fun, but its getting late. We need to get back home, it’s a long drive ahead of us.
Eleanor: Don’t be silly! It’s after five, just stay the night.
Fred: Are you sure you have room?
Eleanor: I live in Buckingham Palace, Frederick.
Fred: Just a joke.
Olivia: We’re going to just head home. I like sleeping in my own bed.
Eleanor: Fine, if you want to get away from your mother than badly.
Anthony: I’ll stay, mom!
Eleanor: Oh, it’s really all right.
Anthony: No, I want to!
Eleanor: Oh, okay.
Olivia: All right, love you all. See you soon!
In the car, on the ride home…
Olivia: Fred…
Fred: What, dear?
Olivia: Did you hear what Claude was saying?
Gigi: He said so much, how could you remember anything?
Olivia: I barely remember any of it, I tuned most of it out. All I recall is “scaling down the size of the family.” What does that even mean?
Todd: He explained it, mom. There will be less working royals.
Olivia: Are w-
Todd: He said that everyone that was there today is not getting cut.
Olivia: He’s not cutting Mandy?
Gigi: He probably is, just couldn’t say it in front of her.
Todd: Don’t worry, mom. It’s all going to be okay.
Olivia: I hope you’re right!
Gigi: He never is...
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below, and make sure to return for a new episode next week!
