The family is in the dining room eating dinner.
Jerry: So, how was everyone’s day?
Teri: Do you care or are you just making small talk?
Jerry: Does it matter?
Teri: I’m not going to tell you if you don’t really care.
Jerry: It’s a mix of both.
Teri: Okay. Then you can go, Danielle.
Danielle: Me? Why me?
Teri: You’re the first person I saw.
Danielle: I’m glad that hearing about my day is so important to you.
Mitchell: If you guys don’t care to share, then I’ll just go.
Jerry: I’m all for anyone shutting Teri up.
Mitchell: Well, I was off work today -
Velma: What a shocker.
Mitchell: I’m ignoring that hurtful jab.
Velma: Truthful jab.
Mitchell: Anyway, I was off work, so I decided to go to the store.
Velma: You didn’t bring home any groceries.
Mitchell: Not that store.
Velma: What store? Be specific!
Cindy: Velma, you’re not a cop. You don’t need to interrogate him.
Velma: I know I’m not a cop. I see myself more as a prosecutor.
Mitchell: I decided to get a new yard decoration at Home Depot for Halloween.
Velma: That’s all? It took you like five minutes to spit that out?
Mitchell: You kept interrupting me!
Jerry: This isn’t any better than Teri. Anyone else care to share?
Betty: I was on Facebook -
Jerry: Anyone else?
Danielle: Work sucked.
Jerry: Some very productive conversations!
Teri: Have you met this family? This is productive for us.
Steven: I have a story to share!
Jerry: You’re the only one here that I trust to tell a story that isn’t completely insane or inane. Go ahead.
Cindy: Excuse me?
Jerry: I’m j-
Cindy: Couch tonight, buddy.
Jerry: Again?
Cindy: Again.
Steven: My friend Kelvin -
Frank: Is that the little red-haired kid with the glasses?
Steven: Yes, that’s him.
Frank: Oh, I like him. He’s a nice kid. Unlike tha-
Tammi: Frank, let our son talk.
Frank: Sorry, Steven.
Steven: Kelvin told me that he went to Busch Gardens with his family over the weekend and they had a lot of fun. He showed me pictures, it looked really cool. It’s decorated for Halloween. That’s my story.
Jerry: Steven’s story wasn’t even about him and it was the best one. We need to lead more interesting lives.
Cindy: The doctor gave me permission to walk with a walker now instead of a wheelchair.
Betty: He did? Oh my god!
Cindy: He said I’m healing really well now even though it took longer than expected to start the hearing process.
Karl: That’s great, sweetheart. You’ll be good as new soon enough.
Cindy: I’ve had two kids, dad. I’m never gonna be as good as new.
Tammi: Sorry about that, mom.
Cindy: I wouldn’t trade you or your brother for anything!
Velma: I’m obviously very happy for you, Cindy.
Mitchell: This will be followed by a “but,” it always is.
Velma: But -
Mitchell: Called it!
Velma: Let’s back things up a bit. Busch Gardens. We need to go.
Teri: Do we?
Velma: We haven’t done anything this year to get us in the Halloween spirit.
Mitchell: We watched Halloween together. That was an experience.
Tammi: Steven has decided he’s going as Michael Myers for Halloween now. Thanks, Velma.
Frank: He stares us down in his costume every night. I haven’t slept in a week.
Velma: Other than that, what have we done?
Mitchell: I just bought a new Halloween decoration. The yard’s full of decorations.
Velma: Sometimes people just want to go to an amusement park, Mitchell! Is that too much to ask?
Ralph: I think she just had a mental breakdown, but other than that, I agree with Velma. It would be nice to go to Busch Gardens as a family.
Teri: Who are you and what did you do to my brother?
Ralph: It’s such a nice park! All the great European architecture and the foods and the gondola rides. It’s been years since we’ve gone, it would be nice to go again.
Teri: Since when does my brother enjoy amusement parks?
Velma: Who could ever dislike amusement parks?
Teri: Velma, you are deathly afraid of heights. Why do you want to go so bad?
Velma: It’s about the atmosphere! It’s fun just to be there. Plus, I love a good scare. You say it’s all decked out for Halloween, right Steven?
Steven: Yeah, Kelvin said there’s a bunch of different horror attractions and at night, they have people dressed up in costumes to scare people.
Betty: Oh that sounds frightening. I don’t think I’d like that.
Velma: It sounds amazing. As long as there’s no clowns. I loathe clowns.
Teri: You can watch every horror movie under the sun, but you draw the line at clowns?
Velma: They’re terrifying.
Karl: So, do you guys want to go this weekend? We can leave Saturday morning, stay overnight, and get in another day at the park on Sunday before we head home.
Teri: You really thought this out, didn’t you?
Karl: There’s not really much to figure out, I just came up with it while sitting here. To be honest, I forgot it even existed before you guys reminded me.
Betty: But what about the scary people in costumes?
Karl: We can take a different car if you want to go back to the hotel room early.
Betty: I don’t want to miss out on anything.
Ralph: Mom, really?
Betty: Really what?
Ralph: Are you trying to be difficult?
Teri: She always is.
Betty: Okay, fine. We’ll go. As long as it’s okay with Cindy.
Cindy: Me? Why would I have any problem with it?
Ralph: This is her last-ditch effort to get out of it.
Cindy: Well, I’m fine with going. It might be a little hard to get around, but I’ll manage.
Betty: So, that settles it. We’re going! Thanks, Velma!
Velma: You’re welcome!
That weekend, at Busch Gardens…
Karl: Please remember that we are in the Germany parking lot.
Teri: Why did you not park in the handicap spot like Jerry did?
Karl: No one in the car has a handicap.
Teri: Mom has like six thousand things wrong with her, surely one qualifies her for one of those little blue placards.
Betty: I am healthy! Why would I need a handicap placard?
Ralph: Can we just go? We’re already farther away from the entrance than the others, let’s not fall even further behind.
Betty: Could someone carry my cooler bag for me? I want to bring it in!
Danielle: Betty, you can’t take a bag of waters and sandwiches into the park.
Betty: Well, why not?
Danielle: They want you to buy everything in there. They’ll make you throw all of this out.
Betty: Like hell they will!
Teri: Dad, tell her.
Karl: Betty, leave it.
Betty: This is so financially irresponsible.
Ralph: Mom, we’re on vacation.
Betty: We are an hour away from home and we have a one-night hotel stay booked. This is not a vacation.
Ralph: Okay, fine. We’re on a weekend getaway. It’s okay to splurge a bit on price-gouged water and hamburgers.
Teri: Plus, the whole place is European themed. Don’t you want to test the flavors of Italy?
Betty: If I wanted to do that, I’d go to Olive Garden.
Teri: Okay, the tastes of Germany?
Betty: I can but sauerkraut and bratwurst at the grocery store.
Ralph: Mom, since when are you cheap?
Velma: Yeah, that’s my thing!
Betty: I just don’t want to even be here.
Teri: Why’d you come?
Betty: I’m not missing out on family time!
Karl: You’re going to have fun. It’s not even going to be scary, especially not in the daytime.
Betty: You better be right, Karl.
Karl: Will you divorce me if I’m not.
Betty: I just might.
Teri: I think that would be funny to see.
Ralph: Come on, guys!
Velma: Yeah, I’m ready for some terror.
Mitchell: Seven of us just rode for an hour in the same car. That’s enough terror for me.
Ten minutes later…
Ralph: Finally, we caught you guys! What was the hurry?
Cindy: We were just walking at a normal speed.
Ralph: See that was the problem. We have mom with us.
Velma: And Mitchell.
Betty: Oh, god! The horror!
Jerry: What is it, Betty?
Frank: Is it my costume?
Betty: No, I was just scared to see you at all. You’re in a costume?
Frank: I feel so loved.
Teri: Why are you in a costume, though?
Frank: It’s Halloween!
Teri: Yeah, that’s why we’re here. To see other freaks in costumes. You didn’t need to wear one yourself.
Tammi: Just let him have his fun.
Jerry: I’ll tell you what wasn’t fun: having him in the passenger seat applying skeleton makeup for half the ride.
Tammi: I wasn’t that bad, dad.
Jerry: There’s a streak of white on my dashboard from when I had to stop quickly.
Ralph: We can walk and talk, right? Let’s get in there and make full use of the day.
Betty: We have to be out by sundown, so let’s hurry!
Ralph: Yeah, yeah.
Betty: I mean it!
Ten minutes later…
Betty: Karl, you promised it wouldn't be scary.We’re literally standing in a section called ”Ripper’s Row!” I’m going to get murdered by Jack the Ripper!
Teri: First of all, he is dead -
Frank: Just like we’re going to be. Argh!
Teri: Do that again, I will not hesitate to murder you.
Jerry: Yeah, before you know it, Betty’s gonna find a table to hide under. Like she does when it thunderstorms.
Frank: I apologize, I was trying to joke and I got ahead of myself.
Teri: Yeah, you do that a lot.
Karl: Betty, this isn’t even scary. We have scarier decorations at home. It just has a few wanted posters and a few weird-looking statues. You’re fine.
Ralph: We’re gonna have fun!
Karl: I guess that means we should pick out a place to start. I know Ralph wants to visit Germany.
Steven: Kelvin said to go to Scotland and ride the Loch Ness Monster!
Velma: That’s still up?
Cindy: My god, that was still here when we used to come as kids.
Steven: It’s that old?
Ralph: Okay, listen here buddy -
Tammi: Uncle Ralph, leave my son alone.
Ralph: He just called us all old.
Cindy: No, he called me old.
Ralph: I’m older than you.
Cindy: Doesn’t matter. Kids always see their grandparents as being disproportionally old.
Karl: So where are we starting exactly? I feel like Im being torn every which way while these British people stare at us like were crazy.
Teri: That’s because we’re cuckoo-for-Cocoa-Puffs insane.
Velma: Let’s go on the roller coaster Steven wants to ride, and then come back here and get on the gondola ride to Germany.
Karl: Fine by me.
Tammi: Mom, you good to walk down a hill?
Cindy: Yes, Tammi.
Tammi: How about up?
Cindy: Yes, Tammi.
Tammi: Just making sure.
Karl: Okay, to Scotland we go!
Teri: Frank, you better not change into kilt on the way. This getup is scary enough.
Frank: Why would I change into a kilt?
Ralph: I think you’ve just given him an idea.
Tammi: An awful idea. A wonderful, awful idea.
Three hours later…
Ralph: You know, guys. We’ve been here for hours and we have yet to make it to Germany.
Teri: With all that you've said about Germany, Angela Merkel better be there to personally greet us upon arrival. It better rain sauerkraut. Arnold Schwarzenegger bet-
Steven: He’s Austrian!
Teri: Oh, like I care!
Jerry: We would’ve been to Germany by now if we hadn’t taken a turn into Ireland. Then Betty insisted that we go in and see that haunted diner that made her pee her pants.
Betty: I thought it was a real diner! I was hungry!
Tammi: We got to see some wolves, that was fun!
Steven: That was awesome!
Danielle: That show we saw was quite nice, the one with the pumpkin-head man.
Betty: That scared me, too.
Danielle: What doesn’t?
Teri: Not much.
Karl: Where are we walking to next?
Teri: I have no idea. Ralph?
Ralph: We’re walking away from the signs that point to Germany, so I have no idea.
Velma: Let me get this straight. None of us have any idea where we’re going? Why are we walking, then?
Tammi: Eventually we’ll end up somewhere.
Ralph: Look, there’s the skyline ride! Finally, we can go to Germany!
Betty: But France looks so nice.
Frank: Vive la France!
Cindy: Frank… no. That’s too much even for me.
Ralph: We can come back to France if you guys want, but I really want to see Germany right now.
Teri: We might as well do it so he can shut up.
Ralph: Thank you! Someone gets it!
Twenty minutes later…
Teri: So, Ralph. We’re in Germany. What the hell did you want to see so badly?
Ralph: I want to go to the Edgar Allan Poe attraction they have here. It’s called Nevermore.
Teri: We’re at an amusement park and you want to see an attraction about books. Oh my god.
Ralph: No! It’s a haunted house thing.
Betty: Uh-huh. No way, José.
Ralph: It’s not that scary, mom. Come on!
Betty: I’ll wait outside if you want to see it so badly.
Karl: So we’re going there.
Betty: Yes, let’s go.
Ten minutes later…
Betty: Why are we walking through a place called the Hexed Hollow? Is a witch gonna get me?
Velma: One way or another, that witch is gonna get ya get ya get ay.
Teri: Okay, Debbie Scary, let’s go.
Velma: Huh?
Teri: Debbie Harry, Debbie Scary. Come on. Easy pun to understand.
Betty: I’m not walking any further in here.
Ralph: Mother, it is daylight and there aren’t even any scary people out. Aside from Frank.
Tammi: Honey, you need to re-apply your makeup. It’s runny.
Jerry: No, we don’t have twenty minutes to waste. He looks fine.
Teri: Let’s be clear here. He never looks fine.
Karl: Betty, I’ll hold your hand.
Betty: Fine. But I’m closing my eyes.
Cindy: Mom… no. You will trip and you will die. You’re very fragile.
Betty: I am not!
Ralph: Come on, it’s only a few minutes away!
One hour later…
Betty: I can’t believe you made me go in there.
Teri: It wasn’t even scary!
Cindy: It was a little scary.
Teri: You’re just saying that because you saw someone with a “Vote Democrat” shirt in there.
Cindy: That was part of it, yes.
Karl: Betty, are you okay?
Betty: I’m actually okay. I’m a little shook up, but I’m not too terrified. I’ll make do. So, where next?
Ralph: The-
Teri: You picked this place. Someone else’s turn now.
Ralph: I’m the only reason we’re here at all!
Velma: Uh, no. I’m far pushier than you.
Danielle: She’s right. She is.
Ralph: Okay, where do you want to go, Velma?
Velma: There’s a roller coaster here in the Germany section called Verbolten, it’s based on the Autobahn I think. It looks so cool.
Teri: Sounds good to me. We haven’t been on one roller coaster all day aside from that clunky thing Steven made us go on.
Steven: That was fun!
Teri: It gave me a headache.
Betty: Do you need a Tylenol? I have one in my purse.
Teri: No, mom. I don’t need any loose purse drugs. Thanks, though.
Three hours later…
Betty: Guys, it’s six-thirty. It’s almost dark.
Teri: Mom’ it’s fine.
Betty: We still have like a half-hour in this line.
Mitchell: If I hear that lady on the intercom say “Auf wiedersehen” one more time, I’m going to lose my damn mind.
Velma: It’s worth it, you guys! I promise!
Teri: You’ve never been on it.
Velma: I know it’s great!
Teri: Well, if we can’t trust Velma, who can we trust?
Velma: Exactly!
Danielle: I can’t believe Velma of all people is insisting on going on a roller coaster.
Velma: They specifically said this one isn’t a very tall one. That’s why I want to go on it. My brother was on it before and loved it.
Karl: The line’s moving, guys!
Betty: We’re inching closer and closer to getting the hell out of here!
Teri: What a buzzkill.
Thirty minutes later…
Mitchell: You ready, Velma?
Velma: I was born ready.
Mitchell: If you insist.
Betty: This better be good.
Frank: It’s just nice to rest my feet.
Danielle: We almost take up an entire car.
Teri: Good. We don’t want to subject anyone else to our stupidity.
Velma: Okay guys, we’re about to go!
Mitchell: Auf wiedersehen!
Ten minutes later…
Velma: Wow, that was…
Mitchell: Awesome!
Velma: And scary.
Mitchell: And awesome!
Betty: It was a bit scary.
Teri: Mother…
Betty: It was! it just stopped and dropped us through the floor at one point. I thought we were going to die.
Jerry: Speaking of dying, the freaks are coming out…
Teri: That’s just Frank.
Frank: It is not! I did get asked by a manager here to “go to my station” because “Howl-o-Scream doesn’t start yet” so they do appear to think I work here.
Betty: Wait, this is it? These people aren’t even scary. And the fog is clearly fake.
Teri: You have freaked out all day about this and you’re just fine with it now?
Betty: I thought it would be more intense than this.
Karl: So we’re not leaving?
Betty: Nah. Let’s go to the next ride!
Ralph: I don’t know if I’m annoyed because all the complaining was for nothing or happy because we get to go on another ride.
Cindy: A mix of both?
Ralph: Yeah, basically.
Thirty minutes later…
Karl: Where are we now?
Danielle: Italy. My homeland!
Frank: Buon natale!
Teri: You just wished us a merry Christmas, you idiot.
Frank: I meant to.
Teri: It’s Halloween, you sicko.
Velma: Oh my god, I just saw a bloody clown!
Teri: To clarify, is that a British clown or a clown full of blood?
Mitchell: We’re in Italy, so, not a British clown.
Velma: Help me! Get me away!
Betty: How embarrassing.
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below and make sure to return for a new episode next week!
