Our House Season 4 Episode 2 - Our Busch Gardens

Our House Season 4, Episode 2
Our Busch Gardens

The family is in the dining room eating dinner.

Jerry: So, how was everyone’s day?

Teri: Do you care or are you just making small talk?

Jerry: Does it matter?

Teri: I’m not going to tell you if you don’t really care.

Jerry: It’s a mix of both.

Teri: Okay. Then you can go, Danielle.

Danielle: Me? Why me?

Teri: You’re the first person I saw.

Danielle: I’m glad that hearing about my day is so important to you.

Mitchell: If you guys don’t care to share, then I’ll just go.

Jerry: I’m all for anyone shutting Teri up.

Mitchell: Well, I was off work today -

Velma: What a shocker.

Mitchell: I’m ignoring that hurtful jab.

Velma: Truthful jab.

Mitchell: Anyway, I was off work, so I decided to go to the store.

Velma: You didn’t bring home any groceries.

Mitchell: Not that store.

Velma: What store? Be specific!

Cindy: Velma, you’re not a cop. You don’t need to interrogate him.

Velma: I know I’m not a cop. I see myself more as a prosecutor.

Mitchell: I decided to get a new yard decoration at Home Depot for Halloween.

Velma: That’s all? It took you like five minutes to spit that out?

Mitchell: You kept interrupting me!

Jerry: This isn’t any better than Teri. Anyone else care to share?

Betty: I was on Facebook -

Jerry: Anyone else?

Danielle: Work sucked.

Jerry: Some very productive conversations!

Teri: Have you met this family? This is productive for us.

Steven: I have a story to share!

Jerry: You’re the only one here that I trust to tell a story that isn’t completely insane or inane. Go ahead.

Cindy: Excuse me?

Jerry: I’m j-

Cindy: Couch tonight, buddy.

Jerry: Again?

Cindy: Again.

Steven: My friend Kelvin -

Frank: Is that the little red-haired kid with the glasses?

Steven: Yes, that’s him.

Frank: Oh, I like him. He’s a nice kid. Unlike tha-

Tammi: Frank, let our son talk.

Frank: Sorry, Steven.

Steven: Kelvin told me that he went to Busch Gardens with his family over the weekend and they had a lot of fun. He showed me pictures, it looked really cool. It’s decorated for Halloween. That’s my story.

Jerry: Steven’s story wasn’t even about him and it was the best one. We need to lead more interesting lives.

Cindy: The doctor gave me permission to walk with a walker now instead of a wheelchair.

Betty: He did? Oh my god!

Cindy: He said I’m healing really well now even though it took longer than expected to start the hearing process.

Karl: That’s great, sweetheart. You’ll be good as new soon enough.

Cindy: I’ve had two kids, dad. I’m never gonna be as good as new.

Tammi: Sorry about that, mom.

Cindy: I wouldn’t trade you or your brother for anything!

Velma: I’m obviously very happy for you, Cindy.

Mitchell: This will be followed by a “but,” it always is.

Velma: But -

Mitchell: Called it!

Velma: Let’s back things up a bit. Busch Gardens. We need to go.

Teri: Do we?

Velma: We haven’t done anything this year to get us in the Halloween spirit.

Mitchell: We watched Halloween together. That was an experience.

Tammi: Steven has decided he’s going as Michael Myers for Halloween now. Thanks, Velma.

Frank: He stares us down in his costume every night. I haven’t slept in a week.

Velma: Other than that, what have we done?

Mitchell: I just bought a new Halloween decoration. The yard’s full of decorations.

Velma: Sometimes people just want to go to an amusement park, Mitchell! Is that too much to ask?

Ralph: I think she just had a mental breakdown, but other than that, I agree with Velma. It would be nice to go to Busch Gardens as a family.

Teri: Who are you and what did you do to my brother?

Ralph: It’s such a nice park! All the great European architecture and the foods and the gondola rides. It’s been years since we’ve gone, it would be nice to go again.

Teri: Since when does my brother enjoy amusement parks?

Velma: Who could ever dislike amusement parks?

Teri: Velma, you are deathly afraid of heights. Why do you want to go so bad?

Velma: It’s about the atmosphere! It’s fun just to be there. Plus, I love a good scare. You say it’s all decked out for Halloween, right Steven?

Steven: Yeah, Kelvin said there’s a bunch of different horror attractions and at night, they have people dressed up in costumes to scare people.

Betty: Oh that sounds frightening. I don’t think I’d like that.

Velma: It sounds amazing. As long as there’s no clowns. I loathe clowns.

Teri: You can watch every horror movie under the sun, but you draw the line at clowns?

Velma: They’re terrifying.

Karl: So, do you guys want to go this weekend? We can leave Saturday morning, stay overnight, and get in another day at the park on Sunday before we head home.

Teri: You really thought this out, didn’t you?

Karl: There’s not really much to figure out, I just came up with it while sitting here. To be honest, I forgot it even existed before you guys reminded me.

Betty: But what about the scary people in costumes?

Karl: We can take a different car if you want to go back to the hotel room early.

Betty: I don’t want to miss out on anything.

Ralph: Mom, really?

Betty: Really what?

Ralph: Are you trying to be difficult?

Teri: She always is.

Betty: Okay, fine. We’ll go. As long as it’s okay with Cindy.

Cindy: Me? Why would I have any problem with it?

Ralph: This is her last-ditch effort to get out of it.

Cindy: Well, I’m fine with going. It might be a little hard to get around, but I’ll manage.

Betty: So, that settles it. We’re going! Thanks, Velma!

Velma: You’re welcome!

That weekend, at Busch Gardens…

Karl: Please remember that we are in the Germany parking lot.

Teri: Why did you not park in the handicap spot like Jerry did?

Karl: No one in the car has a handicap.

Teri: Mom has like six thousand things wrong with her, surely one qualifies her for one of those little blue placards.

Betty: I am healthy! Why would I need a handicap placard?

Ralph: Can we just go? We’re already farther away from the entrance than the others, let’s not fall even further behind.

Betty: Could someone carry my cooler bag for me? I want to bring it in!

Danielle: Betty, you can’t take a bag of waters and sandwiches into the park.

Betty: Well, why not?

Danielle: They want you to buy everything in there. They’ll make you throw all of this out.

Betty: Like hell they will!

Teri: Dad, tell her.

Karl: Betty, leave it.

Betty: This is so financially irresponsible.

Ralph: Mom, we’re on vacation.

Betty: We are an hour away from home and we have a one-night hotel stay booked. This is not a vacation.

Ralph: Okay, fine. We’re on a weekend getaway. It’s okay to splurge a bit on price-gouged water and hamburgers.

Teri: Plus, the whole place is European themed. Don’t you want to test the flavors of Italy?

Betty: If I wanted to do that, I’d go to Olive Garden.

Teri: Okay, the tastes of Germany?

Betty: I can but sauerkraut and bratwurst at the grocery store.

Ralph: Mom, since when are you cheap?

Velma: Yeah, that’s my thing!

Betty: I just don’t want to even be here.

Teri: Why’d you come?

Betty: I’m not missing out on family time!

Karl: You’re going to have fun. It’s not even going to be scary, especially not in the daytime.

Betty: You better be right, Karl.

Karl: Will you divorce me if I’m not.

Betty: I just might.

Teri: I think that would be funny to see.

Ralph: Come on, guys!

Velma: Yeah, I’m ready for some terror.

Mitchell: Seven of us just rode for an hour in the same car. That’s enough terror for me.

Ten minutes later…

Ralph: Finally, we caught you guys! What was the hurry?

Cindy: We were just walking at a normal speed.

Ralph: See that was the problem. We have mom with us.

Velma: And Mitchell.

Betty: Oh, god! The horror!

Jerry: What is it, Betty?

Frank: Is it my costume?

Betty: No, I was just scared to see you at all. You’re in a costume?

Frank: I feel so loved.

Teri: Why are you in a costume, though?

Frank: It’s Halloween!

Teri: Yeah, that’s why we’re here. To see other freaks in costumes. You didn’t need to wear one yourself.

Tammi: Just let him have his fun.

Jerry: I’ll tell you what wasn’t fun: having him in the passenger seat applying skeleton makeup for half the ride.

Tammi: I wasn’t that bad, dad.

Jerry: There’s a streak of white on my dashboard from when I had to stop quickly.

Ralph: We can walk and talk, right? Let’s get in there and make full use of the day.

Betty: We have to be out by sundown, so let’s hurry!

Ralph: Yeah, yeah.

Betty: I mean it!

Ten minutes later…

Betty: Karl, you promised it wouldn't be scary.We’re literally standing in a section called ”Ripper’s Row!” I’m going to get murdered by Jack the Ripper!

Teri: First of all, he is dead -

Frank: Just like we’re going to be. Argh!

Teri: Do that again, I will not hesitate to murder you.

Jerry: Yeah, before you know it, Betty’s gonna find a table to hide under. Like she does when it thunderstorms.

Frank: I apologize, I was trying to joke and I got ahead of myself.

Teri: Yeah, you do that a lot.

Karl: Betty, this isn’t even scary. We have scarier decorations at home. It just has a few wanted posters and a few weird-looking statues. You’re fine.

Ralph: We’re gonna have fun!

Karl: I guess that means we should pick out a place to start. I know Ralph wants to visit Germany.

Steven: Kelvin said to go to Scotland and ride the Loch Ness Monster!

Velma: That’s still up?

Cindy: My god, that was still here when we used to come as kids.

Steven: It’s that old?

Ralph: Okay, listen here buddy -

Tammi: Uncle Ralph, leave my son alone.

Ralph: He just called us all old.

Cindy: No, he called me old.

Ralph: I’m older than you.

Cindy: Doesn’t matter. Kids always see their grandparents as being disproportionally old.

Karl: So where are we starting exactly? I feel like Im being torn every which way while these British people stare at us like were crazy.

Teri: That’s because we’re cuckoo-for-Cocoa-Puffs insane.

Velma: Let’s go on the roller coaster Steven wants to ride, and then come back here and get on the gondola ride to Germany.

Karl: Fine by me.

Tammi: Mom, you good to walk down a hill?

Cindy: Yes, Tammi.

Tammi: How about up?

Cindy: Yes, Tammi.

Tammi: Just making sure.

Karl: Okay, to Scotland we go!

Teri: Frank, you better not change into kilt on the way. This getup is scary enough.

Frank: Why would I change into a kilt?

Ralph: I think you’ve just given him an idea.

Tammi: An awful idea. A wonderful, awful idea.

Three hours later…

Ralph: You know, guys. We’ve been here for hours and we have yet to make it to Germany.

Teri: With all that you've said about Germany, Angela Merkel better be there to personally greet us upon arrival. It better rain sauerkraut. Arnold Schwarzenegger bet-

Steven: He’s Austrian!

Teri: Oh, like I care!

Jerry: We would’ve been to Germany by now if we hadn’t taken a turn into Ireland. Then Betty insisted that we go in and see that haunted diner that made her pee her pants.

Betty: I thought it was a real diner! I was hungry!

Tammi: We got to see some wolves, that was fun!

Steven: That was awesome!

Danielle: That show we saw was quite nice, the one with the pumpkin-head man.

Betty: That scared me, too.

Danielle: What doesn’t?

Teri: Not much.

Karl: Where are we walking to next?

Teri: I have no idea. Ralph?

Ralph: We’re walking away from the signs that point to Germany, so I have no idea.

Velma: Let me get this straight. None of us have any idea where we’re going? Why are we walking, then?

Tammi: Eventually we’ll end up somewhere.

Ralph: Look, there’s the skyline ride! Finally, we can go to Germany!

Betty: But France looks so nice.

Frank: Vive la France!

Cindy: Frank… no. That’s too much even for me.

Ralph: We can come back to France if you guys want, but I really want to see Germany right now.

Teri: We might as well do it so he can shut up.

Ralph: Thank you! Someone gets it!

Twenty minutes later…

Teri: So, Ralph. We’re in Germany. What the hell did you want to see so badly?

Ralph: I want to go to the Edgar Allan Poe attraction they have here. It’s called Nevermore.

Teri: We’re at an amusement park and you want to see an attraction about books. Oh my god.

Ralph: No! It’s a haunted house thing.

Betty: Uh-huh. No way, José.

Ralph: It’s not that scary, mom. Come on!

Betty: I’ll wait outside if you want to see it so badly.

Karl: So we’re going there.

Betty: Yes, let’s go.

Ten minutes later…

Betty: Why are we walking through a place called the Hexed Hollow? Is a witch gonna get me?

Velma: One way or another, that witch is gonna get ya get ya get ay.

Teri: Okay, Debbie Scary, let’s go.

Velma: Huh?

Teri: Debbie Harry, Debbie Scary. Come on. Easy pun to understand.

Betty: I’m not walking any further in here.

Ralph: Mother, it is daylight and there aren’t even any scary people out. Aside from Frank.

Tammi: Honey, you need to re-apply your makeup. It’s runny.

Jerry: No, we don’t have twenty minutes to waste. He looks fine.

Teri: Let’s be clear here. He never looks fine.

Karl: Betty, I’ll hold your hand.

Betty: Fine. But I’m closing my eyes.

Cindy: Mom… no. You will trip and you will die. You’re very fragile.

Betty: I am not!

Ralph: Come on, it’s only a few minutes away!

One hour later…

Betty: I can’t believe you made me go in there.

Teri: It wasn’t even scary!

Cindy: It was a little scary.

Teri: You’re just saying that because you saw someone with a “Vote Democrat” shirt in there.

Cindy: That was part of it, yes.

Karl: Betty, are you okay?

Betty: I’m actually okay. I’m a little shook up, but I’m not too terrified. I’ll make do. So, where next?

Ralph: The-

Teri: You picked this place. Someone else’s turn now.

Ralph: I’m the only reason we’re here at all!

Velma: Uh, no. I’m far pushier than you.

Danielle: She’s right. She is.

Ralph: Okay, where do you want to go, Velma?

Velma: There’s a roller coaster here in the Germany section called Verbolten, it’s based on the Autobahn I think. It looks so cool.

Teri: Sounds good to me. We haven’t been on one roller coaster all day aside from that clunky thing Steven made us go on.

Steven: That was fun!

Teri: It gave me a headache.

Betty: Do you need a Tylenol? I have one in my purse.

Teri: No, mom. I don’t need any loose purse drugs. Thanks, though.

Three hours later…

Betty: Guys, it’s six-thirty. It’s almost dark.

Teri: Mom’ it’s fine.

Betty: We still have like a half-hour in this line.

Mitchell: If I hear that lady on the intercom say “Auf wiedersehen” one more time, I’m going to lose my damn mind.

Velma: It’s worth it, you guys! I promise!

Teri: You’ve never been on it.

Velma: I know it’s great!

Teri: Well, if we can’t trust Velma, who can we trust?

Velma: Exactly!

Danielle: I can’t believe Velma of all people is insisting on going on a roller coaster.

Velma: They specifically said this one isn’t a very tall one. That’s why I want to go on it. My brother was on it before and loved it.

Karl: The line’s moving, guys!

Betty: We’re inching closer and closer to getting the hell out of here!

Teri: What a buzzkill.

Thirty minutes later…

Mitchell: You ready, Velma?

Velma: I was born ready.

Mitchell: If you insist.

Betty: This better be good.

Frank: It’s just nice to rest my feet.

Danielle: We almost take up an entire car.

Teri: Good. We don’t want to subject anyone else to our stupidity.

Velma: Okay guys, we’re about to go!

Mitchell: Auf wiedersehen!

Ten minutes later…

Velma: Wow, that was…

Mitchell: Awesome!

Velma: And scary.

Mitchell: And awesome!

Betty: It was a bit scary.

Teri: Mother…

Betty: It was! it just stopped and dropped us through the floor at one point. I thought we were going to die.

Jerry: Speaking of dying, the freaks are coming out…

Teri: That’s just Frank.

Frank: It is not! I did get asked by a manager here to “go to my station” because “Howl-o-Scream doesn’t start yet” so they do appear to think I work here.

Betty: Wait, this is it? These people aren’t even scary. And the fog is clearly fake.

Teri: You have freaked out all day about this and you’re just fine with it now?

Betty: I thought it would be more intense than this.

Karl: So we’re not leaving?

Betty: Nah. Let’s go to the next ride!

Ralph: I don’t know if I’m annoyed because all the complaining was for nothing or happy because we get to go on another ride.

Cindy: A mix of both?

Ralph: Yeah, basically.

Thirty minutes later…

Karl: Where are we now?

Danielle: Italy. My homeland!

Frank: Buon natale!

Teri: You just wished us a merry Christmas, you idiot.

Frank: I meant to.

Teri: It’s Halloween, you sicko.

Velma: Oh my god, I just saw a bloody clown!

Teri: To clarify, is that a British clown or a clown full of blood?

Mitchell: We’re in Italy, so, not a British clown.

Velma: Help me! Get me away!

Betty: How embarrassing.

What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below and make sure to return for a new episode next week!

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