The family gathers in the living room.
Betty: I bring stellar news.
Ralph: Did you get one of those word of the day calendars? It sounds like it.
Cindy: Since when does mom say “stellar?”
Ralph: Since when can mom talk at all?
Karl: Kids, lay off your mother.
Ralph: Yes, dad…
Jerry: I’m not one of your children, so I can say what I want.
Karl: No, you can not.
Jerry: It was worth a shot.
Betty: Can you people shut up so I can talk?
Teri: Mom’s pissed.
Cindy: When is she not?
Betty: Shut up!
Mitchell: She warned you.
Betty: That means you, too!
Mitchell: So-
Betty: Okay, I’m talking now before one of you opens your yap again. The HOA just announced at last night’s meeting that they are once again holding the annual Fall Run.
Jerry: Why did I not know this?
Tammi: Because the HOA clique doesn’t like us.
Ralph: Mom’s fault.
Betty: As you know, we are two-time Fall Run champions. We have a lot at stake here, because no one else has ever won three years in a row.
Teri: Didn’t the -
Karl: Let it go, Teri.
Betty: We need to train hard for it like we did before. We have a month to get ready for it, I think this can be our strongest year yet. I’ve made a chart of all of the year’s activities, we can all fill in our names for what we want to do.
Cindy: Mom, I don’t mean to interrupt, but I have a question.
Betty: What is your question?
Cindy: I’m still healing from my accident. I’m getting there, but I’m not really in the right place to do a physical competition like this. What am I supposed to do?
Betty: Well, the limit is twelve competitors per family and we have thirteen people. So you don’t have to compete. You can just cheer us on.
Cindy: Ah, man. This is so much fun every year.
Teri: Is it? Think, Cindy. You get to skip out on a month of training with mom. Weekend training. Training happening on the days you’re supposed to have to go out and do fun things with the outside world. Embrace this. Rejoice in it. This is a gift from the gods sent directly to you.
Cindy: Mom isn’t that bad.
Frank: She’s pretty damn bad.
Betty: Frank, shut up or I’ll make you be the one to sit it out.
Tammi: You can’t sideline one of our best players. Not if you want to win again.
Betty: Watch me.
Teri: Take a Xanax, mom.
Tammi: Don’t mention that pill in front of me. Still gives me PTSD.
Cindy: Is there nothing I can compete it? I’ll feel so left out.
Jerry: Honey, it’s not that bad. I had to sit it out our first year here, the team was all the better for it. You learn in the army, your team is only as strong as the weakest member.
Cindy: Are you calling me weak?
Jerry: No!
Teri: Someone’s sleeping on the couch tonight.
Velma: Well, someone other than Mitchell. I throw him out on the couch so much, the basement couch is basically his bed.
Betty: Anyway -
Velma: Are you not interested in my story?
Betty: Not particularly. Not when there’s so much to do with the Fall Run.
Velma: Okay, point taken.
Betty: So I’m going to run though the events in the Fall Run and write down three people for each one.
Jerry: Remember when I used to be in charge of Fall Run prep?
Betty: I was never comfortable with that.
Ralph: When are you ever comfortable not being in control?
Betty: I am not controlling!
Ralph: Uh-huh.
Teri: Mom, read the list of events so we can get back to our day.
Betty: Up first is the big one. The -
Jerry: Mile run!
Betty: That was my line.
Jerry: You stole it from me!
Ralph: How is this my family?
Mitchell: We ask ourselves that every time you open your mouth.
Ralph: Velma, hit him.
Velma: Gladly.
Betty: Jerry, fine. You can run the signups for the Fall Run. I got to give my speech, I’m happy with that.
Jerry: So, who wants in on the mile run? We all know I have experience running marathons, I think I’d be a good representative of the family.
Teri: Jerry, just say you want it. We’re not going to fight you on it.
Jerry: Okay, I want it.
Teri: Good for you, finally taking charge.
Cindy: Mom, please do not start singing that song.
Betty: When do I ever spontaneously burst into song?
Ralph: Constantly and always.
Velma: Remember when we went to Maine and had to hear her stumble through the ABBA Voulez-Vous album?
Ralph: It still haunts me.
Tammi: She’s humming Good 4 U right now!
Ralph: Knock it off, Olivia Rodrigo!
Teri: Do not compare our mother’s butchering of music to the dulcet tones of Olivia Rodrigo.
Jerry: Anyway, who else wants to do it?
Betty: I th-
Teri: No. You will die.
Betty: It’s a single mile!
Teri: You are fossilized. No!
Karl: Teri, be nice to your mother. Betty, be honest with yourself.
Betty: Fine…
Tammi: Frank and I will do it.
Frank: We will?
Cindy: You won it for us last year! You have to do it, Frank!
Betty: You really do need to do it, Frank. You’re our only hope.
Frank: I know, I’m just messing around. I did enjoy your little Princess Leia impression right there, though.
Teri: Do we really want one particular side of the family responsible for doing the most important event for us?
Jerry: Yes, moving on!
One hour later…
Jerry: And finally, now that that stupid virus isn’t delaying our Fall Run anymore, the Halloween pumpkin carving contest is back. Who wants that?
Steven: I didn’t sign up for anything yet, I guess I should do it.
Tammi: You can’t handle a knife on your own!
Steven: I would have two other people. And, also, I’m a teenager. I can d-
Tammi: No. I’m doing it with you.
Jerry: Okay! Who else?
Cindy: This is what I would usually do…
Jerry: I know, honey. But it’s only this year. You can be our cheerleader!
Cindy: Even Zeke is competing. Not me.
Zeke: Mom, what is that supposed to mean?
Cindy: I think you know.
Danielle: If you want to carve pumpkins, I can drop out so we don't go over twelve people.
Cindy: No! You’re our best bowler!
Danielle: Well, if you insist. They didn’t call me Strikeout Dani for no reason.
Teri: I think it was more your crippling loneliness and inability to get a date. I had the same nickname and I didn’t bowl.
Ralph: No one called you that.
Teri: Shh! I don’t want her to feel bad!
Cindy: I will sit out this year. Next year, though, I’m making my big comeback.
Betty: So, that’s settled. I’ll have to join in on the pumpkin carving.
Tammi: Are you sure? Nana, you almost cut off your finger the last time we carved pumpkins.
Betty: That’s only because a song came on that I liked. It distracted me and I got up to dance and I got my finger with the knife.
Tammi: Okay. Hopefully they don’t have music at the Fall Run.
Teri: Monster Mash is gonna be the reason my mom will only have one hand. Oh joy.
Jerry: So we’re all signed up! Is everyone ready to start practicing?
Teri: Tomorrow’s another day, Jerry.
Tammi: Yeah. I have to go to the store and buy like seven practice pumpkins for us. I’m going to look like a lunatic but it’s worth it.
Betty: Just don’t display them out in the front yard. Anita DeFleur will see them and copy us.
Tammi: Nana, why are you so obsessed with Anita DeFleur?
Betty: I hate her!
Cindy: We all hate her, mom.
Ralph: Mainly because she's the reason we have to hear mom complaining about her every other day.
Betty: She’s not a nice person.
Ralph: Neither are we!
Teri: Speak for yourself! I am a delight!
One month later…
Jerry: Okay, everybody. Huddle up.
Velma: Must I get that close to Mitchell?
Mitchell: You love it!
Velma: I do not.
Danielle: How have neither of you ever killed the other one yet? Surely it’s gone through your minds at least a few times.
Velma: I don’t look good in orange. Or jumpsuits.
Mitchell: And I love my wife.
Velma: No, you’re just too lazy to go buy a gun to shoot me. You're also too lazy to walk to the kitchen, pick up a knife, then go back up the stairs to stab me.
Jerry: I hate to interrupt a lover’s quarrel -
Velma: Lovers? Ha! Very funny, Jerry!
Jerry: Anyway, good luck everyone! It’s gonna be a fun day.
Betty: Fun? It’s fine if you have fun, but our top priority needs to be destroying the competition.
Teri: Oh, here we go again.
Frank: Jerry, when is the mile run? I wanna get warmed up.
Jerry: It’s right now.
Frank: Okay, no warming up, I guess.
Teri: He’s gonna blow it for us.
Tammi: Have some faith! He’s pulled out a win for us twice before!
Frank: Yeah, Teri. You never clinched us a win before.
Teri: I have been an essential member of this team for three now!
Jerry: Anyway, let’s get moving! We don’t want the Van Hollens and the DeFleurs to get a head start on the mile!
Ten minutes later, Tammi crosses the finish line of the mile run.
Tammi: Did I do it, dad?
Jerry: The Sullivans crossed the finish line before us. We’re in second.
Tammi: Olivia Sullivan is quite the runner, I never imagined it.
Teri: Those soccer moms are quicker than they look. Maybe those kale shakes actually work.
Betty: What place did the DeFleurs come in?
Jerry: They haven’t finished yet. So, out of the top five.
Betty: Yes!
Anita: Don’t celebrate too quickly, Anita. Running was never my family’s strong suit. We’ll make up for it in the rest of the events.
Betty: You mean like in the trivia dunk tank? You aren’t smart! Or maybe in the obstacle course? Oh wait, you’re a klutz.
Anita: That’s a very rude way to talk about yourself.
Betty: How funny.
Karl: Hon, I think you need to back away from Anita and ignore her. Just focus on -
Betty: Having fun? No!
Karl: This is not supposed to be a serious competition, the whole point is to have fun.
Anita: You clearly don’t understand how this works, Bellwood. This neighborhood is competitive. We don’t do this for fun, we do it to show how impressive we all are. Ever since you clowns rolled into the neighborhood and somehow won twice, we’ve been trying to do our most to save our beloved Fall Run.
Mitchell: The fact that you consider us clowns and still have to work so hard to try to beat us is so pathetic. If we were that bad, you wouldn’t need to work that much to beat us, would you?
Anita: Shut up!
Betty: Ah, you got to her, Mitchell. She’s frazzled. Look at her!
Anita: I will destroy you. You can’t fall upwards another year.
Betty: Cindy, run over her with your wheelchair.
Anita: I will press charges.
Cindy: Don’t worry, I’m not going to do it. I’m not crazy.
Frank: Eh, that’s debatable.
Cindy: Maybe mom is right about you.
Frank: That was cold. I respect it, though.
Anita: Smile, Betty. I want a picture to commemorate the day I beat you at the Fall Run, and I don’t really plan on being close to you
Betty: Screw that, and screw you.
Thirty minutes later…
Cindy: Jerry, how are we doing?
Teri: We?
Cindy: I’m here cheering you on. I know that’s helping.
Jerry We’re in first. We got second in the mile run, first in the trivia dunk tank, and didn’t make it to the top three in the obstacle course. The DeFleurs and the Sullivans are nipping at our heels so we need to keep up the strong performances.
Danielle: I feel so much pressure, I’m competing in two of the three events that are left.
Karl: Just have fun! I got thrown into a dunk tank and I still had fun! I might have hypothermia now, but I had fun!
Teri: Why did we put our seventy-five year-old father in a dunk tank in October?
Karl: I’m fine, Teri.
Ralph: He looks a bit blue.
Cindy: Jerry, you’re done with your events. Get him a fresh change of clothes.
Karl: I’m fine!
Betty: You look like Oolah from Frozen!
Teri: Oolah?
Betty: The snowman!
Steven: That’s Olaf!
Betty: Close enough!
Karl: On second thought, I’m losing the ability to feel my toes. I’ll take that change of clothes.
Jerry: Okay, good luck to you guys on the tug-of-war. I’ll be back soon not cheer you all on!
Mitchell: Don’t worry, I have Velma to cheer for me!
Velma: You don’t know how good you have it.
Mitchell: Come on, swe-
Velma: Don’t call me sweetie.
Twenty minutes later…
Anita: Ha, Betty! We’re in first now! Shouldn’t have let your nephew and your granddaughter’s idiot husband take charge of the tug-of-war. I told you I’d destroy you.
Velma: Hey! Frank is an idiot but so is Mitchell! If you're going to call Frank an idiot, which you should, call Mitchell one, too.
Mitchell: Thank you for having my back, honey.
Velma: Any time.
Mitchell: We’re always on the same page.
Velma: Don’t get crazy.
Frank: I’m not an idiot!
Anita: If that’s what you need to tell yourself, sure.
Betty: We came in third and you came in first. That’s two places behind you. I wouldn’t call that “destroying” us.
Frank: She also thinks I’m an idiot, clearly she doesn’t have a firm grip on reality.
Betty: No, she was right on that one.
Jerry: What happened, guys? You look like you just watched your best friend get hit by a train.
Teri: Frank screwed everything up.
Frank: I did not!
Cindy: We’re in second now. The DeFleurs pulled ahead.
Danielle: We’re going to have to make up for it in bowling.
Betty: And Cindy could always run over Anita’s foot with her wheelchair!
Cindy: That is illegal!
Betty: There’s nothing illegal about knocking a cocky bitch down a few pegs.
Ralph: Wow! Mom has gone full-blown psycho.
Teri: She’s been full-blown psycho for some time.
Thirty minutes later…
Jerry: We’re back in first, guys!
Teri: Because of my friend!
Danielle: I believe you said I’m part of the family now. I’m not just a friend.
Teri: You want to be part of this family?
Danielle: Have you seen mine?
Teri: Good point.
Betty: How far ahead are we thanks to Strikeout?
Jerry: Um, one point.
Betty: That’s better than being down!
Tammi: It’s up to us, Steven!
Betty: And me!
Cindy: And sadly, not me.
Jerry: You guys have an hour to carve the best pumpkin of your lives.
Tammi: I’ve been practicing. I am ready for this.
Steven: So am I!
Tammi: When were you practicing? I never let you hold the knife!
Frank: Honey, he’s a teenager. He’s not a child.
Tammi: He is literally a child. He’s not eighteen yet.
Teri: Wow, Tammi’s gone full-blown helicopter mom.
Tammi: Shut up, you’re gonna distract me when I need to carve!
Teri: Don’t even try to blame me if you screw this up for us.
Betty: Stop it! You’re letting Anita win!
Ralph: Stop talking about Anita like she’s the devil! She’s not some all-powerful being. She’s not a witch.
Anita: Are you sure about that?
Ralph: I was, but then you popped up when I said your name like you’re Beetlejuice so now I’m not sure.
Betty: See! She’s creepy!
Jerry: Just get in positions to do the pumpkin carve.
Anita: I will d-
Betty: Yes, I know. You’ll destroy me!
Thirty minutes later…
Tammi: Nana, do you think this is good enough?
Betty: It’s gorgeous! Of course! The only way we lose is if Anita cheats.
Steven: Hers looks nice, maybe even nic-
Betty: Steven, don’t!
Patrick Colby-Howerton: Welcome to the final event of the 2021 Fall Run! I’m Patrick Colby-Howerton, your host and trusted anchor of the Lakey Action News! Our judges have assessed all of your carves, and I can now reveal the top three! Team DeFleur!
Anita: Thank you, it’s an honor to be nominated.
Patrick: Team Bellwood!
Betty: It’s all about having fun, that’s what matters here.
Patrick: And… Team Cornwall!
Tammi: Who?
Betty: Shh!
Patrick: The winner of the 2021 Fall Run pumpkin carving contest is… Team DeFleur!
Anita: Oh, thank you! It’s just such an honor to be recognized by my peers!
Tammi: Who came in second?
Patrick: Getting to that!
Tammi: Sorry!
Patrick: In second place is Team Bellwood, which means we have a tie here at the 2021 Fall Run! Congrats to Team DeFleur and Team Bellwood!
Betty and Anita (together): Noooooooooooo!!!!
What did you think of the season premiere of Our House? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below and make sure to return for a new episode next week!
