Gigi walks into Olivia’s house.
Olivia: Oh, god! Gigi! you scared me!
Gigi: You scare so easily. I walked into your house, that’s all.
Olivia: It’s Halloween, the freaks are out.
Gigi: Are they?
Olivia: I just saw a burned man with knife hands on the telly. I don’t know what is going on.
Gigi: Mother, that’s Freddy Krueger.
Olivia: I don’t care what his name is. Someone should do something about him.
Gigi: It’s a movie, not a news bulletin.
Olivia: I know that, but none of the people in the movie seemed to be fighting back. He’s got fourth-degree burns everywhere, how hard can he really be to take down?
Gigi: Can I ask you a question?
Olivia: My mind is clearly someplace else, but go ahead.
Gigi: Warren and the kids are going to be trick-or-treating tonight, I wanted to know if I could come over here and watch a Halloween movie with you.
Olivia: I don’t see why not. I’m a bit lily-livered when it comes to horror movies, but I’ll make do. It’s worth it so I can spend time with my favorite daughter!
Gigi: Do you have another daughter that I’m not aware of?
Olivia: Well, I’ve always seen Claire as a daughter, I guess.
Gigi: You’ve known her for two months.
Olivia: Yeah, that’s probably why I still like her.
Meanwhile, at Buckingham Palace…
Ethan: Mother, I never mind coming in to help, but -
Eleanor: You just contradicted yourself there. Saying you never minding helping and then adding “but” implies that, in this case, you do mind.
Ethan: Yeah, sure. You got me, mum.
Eleanor: So, what’s your objection?
Ethan: I’m not sure why I’m needed for this. You’re meeting with the Prime Minister, what can I add to that?
Eleanor: I just need you to help me prepare.
Ethan: You’re the Queen! Why are you preparing for a routine meeting with Chuck Cromwell?
Eleanor: Today, I’m informing Prime Minister Cromwell of my intent to abdicate.
Ethan: You’re sure you want to do that? That man never shuts the f-
Eleanor: Yes, I am sure. He has the right to know before the general public. I don’t want to just drop that on him when he’s on holiday in the countryside.
Ethan: So, what can I do to help? And, follow up question, could Claude do it instead?
Eleanor: Claude is off performing an official duty with Christine. He was my first choice.
Ethan: It’s always nice to be second-best.
Eleanor: I also asked Anthony and he declined.
Ethan: At least I’m still ahead of Olivia.
Eleanor: I though of her, but she lives so far away. We need to get her a place in London.
Ethan: It’s nice to be remembered, I guess.
Eleanor: That’s the spirit! I could’ve asked Mandy!
The phone rings.
Ethan: Good lord, mother. Why is that thing so loud?
Eleanor: I’m old! I have to be able to hear it. Now, if you excuse me, I have to tend to whatever nonsense this is about. Could you step out for a few minutes? I like some privacy when I’m on the phone.
Ethan: You’re the queen, after all.
Eleanor: Thank you, I’m glad you realize that. Your sister certainly does not.
Five minutes later…
Eleanor: Ethan, come on in.
Ethan: That was a quick call. What’s going on?
Eleanor: This can be a quick visit, too. I don’t need your help anymore, the Prime Minister isn’t coming.
Ethan: He isn’t? What happened?
Eleanor: He went to a Halloween party last night -
Ethan: Oh, no. Does he have a hangover?
Eleanor: He'd be the type to cancel because of that, but no. He ate something that must’ve been contaminated and now he has food poisoning.
Ethan: Food poisoning? Or is he becoming a zombie? It is Halloween, after all.
Eleanor: A zombie? This is real life, not some Hollywood film.
Ethan: It was a joke.
Eleanor: It is unfortunate that the Prime Minister couldn’t come. I hope he’s not feeling too poorly.
Ethan: If he has food poisoning, he certainly isn’t on top of the world.
Eleanor: You don’t need to be so sarcastic.
Meanwhile, at Olivia’s house…
Olivia: Laurie, look out! He’s right behind you! Michael’s gonna get you!
Gigi: Mom, you do realize that this is a movie, right? And it came out in 1978? They can’t hear you.
Olivia: It’s fun to pretend they can!
Gigi: Is it?
Olivia: It helps keep me from stressing about the movie.
Gigi: You do sound quite free of stress.
Olivia: I’m emotionally attached to Laurie, I don’t want her to get killed by Michael.
Gigi: Mom, have you never seen Halloween before?
Olivia: I told you, I don’t watch horror films.
Gigi: Oh, my god.
Olivia: Did I say something wrong?
Gigi: It’s a classic, I don’t know how you possibly haven’t seen it before!
Olivia: I tend to watch Shakespearean productions mostly.
Gigi: Since when?
Olivia: I don’t know, it’s a lie.
Fred: Olivia! Get out here!
Olivia: Fred, I’m watching a movie. And I’m not in the mood for a romp in the rose garden.
Gigi: What a terrible day to have ears.
Fred: There is an emergency out here!
Olivia: This better not be one of your little Halloween pranks!
Fred: Oh, how I wish it were.
Gigi: Shall I pause the movie?
Olivia: That would be wise.
Fred: Honey, can you bring the fire extinguisher?
Olivia: Fire extinguisher?
Fred: In the closet. Under the stairs.
Olivia: Oh, right. Let me grab it.
Fred: Hurry, please!
Olivia picks up the fire extinguisher and runs outside.
Olivia: Bloody hell!
Gigi: What’s wrong, mom?
Olivia: The barn is on fire!
Gigi: The barn is what?
Fred: On fire!
Olivia: Honey, is Blackjack in there?
Fred: No, we were just coming back from a ride.
Olivia: What about Marshmallow?
Fred: You know Marshmallow. he wasn’t even in the barn to begin with.
Olivia: Hard to pin a stallion like him down.
Gigi: I know that English is being spoken, but it still doesn’t feel like we’re speaking the same language.
Olivia: Our horses, dear.
Fred: Hand me the fire extinguisher, please. I need to try to safe as much of this as I can.
Olivia: Have you called the fire station?
Fred: That was the first thing I did.
Olivia: Good, because I don’t think this little cylinder is going to do very much.
In Kent, Claude and Christine are walking to the re-opening of a museum.
Christine: Am I the only one that’s gotten a strange vibe here?
Claude: What do you mean?
Christine: Look at the sky.
Claude: It’s gray. That happens sometimes.
Christine (mockingly): “That happens sometimes.”
Claude: You don’t have to be rude.
Christine: Well, I obviously know the sky is gray sometimes. It’s just that there’s an eerie feeling in the air tonight.
Claude: Can you explain?
Christine: You mocked me the last time I said it, but I just have a gut feeling that something terrible is going to happen.
Claude: Are you a witch now?
Christine: What did you just call me?
Claude: I made a joke about you being a witch! It’s Halloween!
Christine: I thought you called me a bitch, sorry.
Claude: I would never!
Christine: Claude watch out!
Claude jumps backwards to avoid an oncoming car, but his foot is run over.
Christine: I told you I had a bad vibe!
Claude: You really are a witch!
At Claire and Arthur’s house…
Claire: Arthur, dear, can you go outside and bring in the package that was just delivered?
Arthur: Ooh, what’d you get?
Claire: Halloween costumes for all of us for tomorrow’s Halloween party at my parents’ house.
Arthur: All of us?
Claire: All of us. It’s Halloween, you need to dress up!
Arthur: You know I don’t do Halloween. I never liked it, I was the only one at school who wasn’t even allowed to wear a costume.
Claire: You’re an adult now. You can dress up. And we can dress our kids.
Arthur: What’s the point in dressing up if you can’t even dress up in public?
Claire: Tell you what, the next time you want to have sex, I’m going to ask the same thing. Why do it if you can’t put it on public display?
Arthur: That’s not the same thing and you know it!
Claire: They’re both things you do for fun and, in our case, things you have to do in private. Which is stupid, by the way. Celebrating Halloween in private, that is. I’m okay with not having intercourse out in the open.
Arthur: This took a bizarre turn.
Claire: Just wear the costume, Arthur!
Arthur: You and the children can. I’m not going to.
Claire: Why not? Where’s your Halloween spirit? Even your aunt Olivia is celebrating Halloween.
Arthur: How do you know?
Claire: She texted me about fifteen times while she was watching Halloween. She’s very scared of Michael Myers.
Arthur: I’ll watch a movie with you. I just don’t do costumes, too many bad memories of having to see my friends wear costumes while I wasn’t allowed. That scars a kid!
Claire: You’re allowed to wear one now, you’re a grown adult. Live a little, make new memories!
Arthur: What if gran finds out?
Claire: She won’t, honey. She doesn’t know all.
Arthur: Oh, she does. I think she has a crystal ball or something.
Claire: Just wear the costume! It’s whimsical!
Arthur: What is it?
Claire: We’re going to dress up as The Incredibles!
Arthur: The… Incredibles?
Claire: They’re characters from a Pixar movie. They’re superheroes.
Arthur: Is that the one with the stretchy lady?
Claire: Yes, that’s the one! Now, are you going to dress up?
Arthur: I guess, but no telling gran!
Claire: Okay, go and grab the box from the porch, please.
Arthur:
Five minutes later…
Arthur: Claire…
Claire: What? Where’s the costume?
Arthur: I’m very sorry. I don’t know how to tell you -
Claire: What is wrong?
Arthur: The costumes are ruined!
Claire: What do you mean?
Arthur: The box was thrown into the driveway and someone ran over them.
Claire: What? No one has been here!
Arthur: One of the maids?
Claire: Oh… how bad is it?
Arthur: I think she has spikes on the bottom of her tires or something. They’re utterly shredded.
Claire: Well, you avoid the terror of Halloween costumes for one more year.
The next day, at Buckingham Palace…
Ethan: Happy Halloween, everybody!
Claire: Ugh…
Claude: “Happy”
Olivia: Don’t mention that word.
Eleanor: It’s Halloween?
Ethan: What’s wrong?
Claude: Look at my foot!
Olivia: I didn’t even notice that.
Claude: How?
Olivia: I just walked in the bloody door, Claude. I’m sorry my eyes didn’t gravitate directly towards your butchered foot!
Christine: It’s not butchered, it’s just fractured.
Eleanor: How did that happen?
Claude: I was at one of my royal duties and - Olivia, don’t interrupt me
Olivia: I’m not, I’m not. I’m an adult, I don’t find the word “duty” funny at all!
Claude: I was walking in the street and I wasn’t looking and a car came up and ran over my foot. It was my fault, but that doesn’t stop the pain.
Ethan: It only got your foot?
Claude: I stepped back but my left foot didn’t catch up with the rest of me.
Eleanor: Why didn’t you tell me about this?
Claude: I didn’t want to worry you. As you can see, I’m fine.
Eleanor: Well, my day didn’t go so well, either. I was going to tell the Prime Minister that I’m abdicating, but he got food poisoning and couldn’t show up.
Arthur: Is that really that bad? You loathe the man.
Eleanor: Oh, he’s a blowhard who embarrasses me on a daily basis. I don’t wish food poisoning on him, though. Plus, I was so nervous to tell him, I barely slept the night before. Now I have to go through that all over again.
Claude: Why are you nervous to tell… him?
Eleanor: He’s a blabbermouth! I have to tell him, but I’m afraid he’ll spill the secret before I’m ready. It’s quite scary.
Olivia: You think that’s bad? I was watching a movie with Gigi and my barn caught fire!
Ethan: Is everything okay?
Olivia: No, but it will be. My horses are safe, the barn is still standing. Just a lot of fire damage.
Christine: I told you something is in the air.
Olivia: You what?
Christine: I told Claude I felt like something bad was going to happen and bad thing after bad thing kept happening.
Claire: We had Halloween costumes delivered but they got destroyed. It completely ruined my Halloween spirit!
Eleanor: Costumes? Since when do you dress up, Arthur?
Arthur: Claire! You weren’t supposed to tell her!
Eleanor: And now you’re keeping things from me? From your favorite grandmother?
Arthur: I would never!
Eleanor: You did!
Ethan: Happy Halloween, everybody!
Christine: Ethan, not now.
Ethan: I’m trying to distract them!
Eleanor: It’s not working.
Olivia: You you, all of us had something terrible happen to us this weekend.
Ethan: Not me.
Olivia: Good for you.
Ethan: I didn’t mean to brag!
Christine: Isn’t Selina at home with strep throat?
Ethan: Oh, yeah. Right!
Claude: And you’re here? What the hell, Ethan? I can’t get sick!
Olivia: I think we, as a family, might be cursed.
Eleanor: Cursed? That -
Christine: Makes so much sense! I felt evil in the air. We clearly are the victims of a curse.
Claude: I don’t know if you’re joking. Please tell me you are.
Christine: I’m serious! Just think about it.
Olivia: Mostly the entire family had something bad happen to them this weekend. Coincidence?
Claude: Almost certainly.
Olivia: Have any of you made enemies with a witch lately? Other than Selina, of course.
Claude: Do you realize how insane you sound?
Olivia: Not at all.
Eleanor: This is why I don’t like Halloween, all these witches and curses and that sort of hoopla.
Claude: Are you buying what they’re saying?
Eleanor: Of course not. But Halloween puts those ideas in peoples’ heads and it’s exhausting. I much prefer Chr-
Olivia: Don’t even mention that holiday, it is October 31st! At least give me until tomorrow!
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below, and make sure to return for a new episode next week!
