Marietta is at Patty Lynn and Martin’s house ahead of Amy’s Halloween party.
Marietta: Dad, where is mom?
Martin: You know her, she takes forever to get ready on a normal day, let alone on Halloween.
Marietta: Well, you look great, dad!
Martin (impersonating Elvis): Thank you, thank you very much!
Kathleen: He always did idolize Elvis. This is a natural fit
Marietta: Who are you supposed to be, Aunt Kathleen?
Kathleen: Cher. You'll recognize it once I put the head piece on.
Marietta: That’s a lot of midriff you’ve got exposed. You’re a good twenty years older than me and I’d never! I’m impressed.
Kathleen: You really think this is my stomach? I have a bodysuit on underneath. A bodysuit, I might add, that I don’t think I will ever be able to take off.
Martin: So, where’s Sarah?
Marietta: She’s in the car. She dropped one of her gloves in the car and she needs it.
Kathleen: It’s seventy-five degrees outside.
Marietta: It’s part of her costume. Don’t ask me. I’m past the mom stage, I’m the fun aunt. I let her do what I want.
Kathleen: I was never like that with you.
Marietta: Hence why you were not the “fun” aunt.
Sarah: Was someone talking about me?
Marietta: Yes! You found your glove?
Sarah: Thankfully, yes.
Marietta: Good, I did not spend all that money on black latex gloves you’re never going to wear again for you to not even use them once.
Sarah: It was, funny enough, in the glove box.
Marietta: Huh, maybe that name does make sense after all.
Kathleen: What are you supposed to be, Sarah?
Sarah: Well, I see you are Cher!
Kathleen: Snap out of it!
Sarah: I am teenage pop sensation Olivia Rodrigo in an outfit from the music video for her Billboard chart-topping smash hit Good 4 U.
Kathleen: I didn’t understand a single word in that sentence, but, uh -
Martin: I believe the words you are looking for are “good for you.”
Sarah: Right on, grandpa.
Tammy: Wow, what have we walked in on?
Mitch: I think I might have to go my own way.
Marietta: Wow, Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham, back together again!
Sarah: Oh my god, Tammy! You’re dressed as the cranberry juice lady!
Tammy: No, I’m dressed as Stevie Nicks, the queen of rock and roll.
Kathleen: You don’t look anything like Janis Joplin.
Tammy: Janis Joplin is a legend, but let me know when she releases a masterpiece like Silver Springs.
Kathleen: What made you two go as Fleetwood Mac? Obviously, I went as Cher because I’m a dead ringer for her. What’s your inspiration?
Marietta: Well, Tammy always insists on going as a witch.
Tammy: Stevie is not a witch!
Marietta: Okay, sure.
Mitch: And Don’t Stop was my campaign song!
Tammy: Also, we wanted to do a couples costume, and we were told someone else was going as Cher, so that eliminated Sonny & Cher.
Mitch: I mentioned Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers, but Tammy said we couldn’t do that.
Marietta: My mother loathes Dolly Parton. Everyone always tells her she looks like her, she’s now so tired of hearing it. Speaking of which, mom, get out here! Everyone is ready to go!
Sarah: Dad isn’t here yet.
Marietta: Exactly. Let’s get the hell out of here before he gets here to ruin it all.
Milton: I heard that!
Marietta: Look, everyone! Moira’s here!
Moira: And she brought her boyfriend!
Marietta: Unfortunately.
Patty Lynn: I’m coming down, give me two minutes!
Moira: So, what are you guys dressed up as?
Marietta: As you can see from… all of this, we’re doing a music theme. All of us are dressed up as famous musicians. I’m “Billy Eilish.” With a Y.
Moira: Why is half of you a man and half of you a goth teenager?
Marietta: Why does no one ever understand my hybrid Halloween costumes?
Sarah: Half of her is the Piano Man, Billy Joel, while the other half is the bad guy, Billie Eilish.
Marietta: It’s clever!
Milton: Uh-huh.
Marietta: Oh, like male Cyndi Lauper is such a clever costume idea.
Milton: I’m Elton John!
Marietta: Sure, champ.
Patty Lynn: Prepare yourselves, for I am arriving.
Tammy: Why is she talking in a British accent?
Sarah: Oh, is she going as Adele? Hello from the other side!
Martin: Patty Lynn, get down here!
Patty Lynn: When you call my name…
Marietta: Oh boy…
Patty Lynn: It’s like a little prayer. I’m down on my k-
Marietta: No! This stops now! It’s bad enough I have to see my mother in a cone bra, I am not about to watch her sing Like a Prayer. Not today!
Patty Lynn: I was simply unveiling my costume in style.
Moira: I feel so under-dressed, you guys clearly go all-out. I just got some cat ears and drew some whiskers on my face.
Sarah: I don’t think you’re the weird one here. Did you just see what my grandmother did on the steps?
Marietta: Oh, we all saw. And we don’t need to elaborate any further on it. Now, let’s get to Amy’s. We’re so late, she’s gonna think we’re dead.
Milton: Not everyone jumps to conclusions like mom when their guests are a few minutes late.
Patty Lynn: That’s because no one cares quite the way that I do!
Martin: Let’s go everyone! Time for Elvis to leave the building!
At Amy’s…
Amy: You guys look incredible! You’re the Partridge Family, right?
Marietta: Very funny, Amy.
Amy: Okay, let me see if I can guess everybody. Kathleen, I believe you are Cher!
Kathleen: You got me, babe!
Amy: Martin is Elvis! Tammy and Mitch are Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham.
Tammy: I did hear a rumour that you were pretty good at guessing costumes.
Marietta: Very funny, Tammy. Amy, what am I?
Amy: Patty Lynn is Madonna, which is very cool!
Marietta: Not if you saw what we saw back at the house.
Amy: Sarah, because I am in touch with the kids, I know you are Olivia Rodrigo.
Sarah: I’m impressed! None of these people knew who the hell she was.
Amy: They’re not as cool as me.
Sarah: You certainly do look very cool in your Laurie Strode costume.
Amy: Why, thank you! It’s a re-used costume, but Halloween is my favorite horror movie, I couldn’t help but wear it again.
Marietta: But do you know what I am?
Amy: You’re clearly Billy Eilish, a combination of Billy Joel and Billie Eilish.
Marietta: I can always rely on you to get it!
Milton: I’m starting to think she’s a witch.
Marietta: No, that’s Tammy.
Tammy: I’m not a witch!
Amy: Oh, Milton! I didn’t even see you here! You’re Cyndi Lauper, right?
Milton: Are you kidding me?
Amy: Are you not Cyndi?
Milton: I’m Elton John!
Amy: You sure are, buddy.
Marietta: How do you think this costume compares to last year’s, Amy? I want to win the costume contest this time.
Amy: It’s not as good as Mary Shelley Long, but it’s hard to ever top that.
Marietta: I agree. That was my masterpiece.
Moira: I’m also here, my costume’s nothing special, though.
Amy: You’re wearing a costume?
Moira: I’m a black cat!
Amy: Like the Janet Jackson song?
Moira: No?
Amy: I don’t know how that fits the family theme then.
Moira: I wasn’t informed of the theme. I just picked the cheapest thing I could find because Milton invited me at the last minute.
Marietta: Whoops, trouble in paradise.
Milton: Shut up. I didn’t wait so long to invite her because I didn’t want her here, I just forgot to ask. I have a job, you know.
Marietta: I’m aware.
Amy: I’m going to go grab myself a drink. You guys mix and mingle!
Marietta: You know us, Amy. Are we “mix and mingle” people? We need you with us!
Amy: Just try to have fun, geez!
Milton: Ignore her, Amy. You go do what we need, she’s just being a bit needy. We’ll see ya later.
Tammy: I’m gonna go cut loose on the dance floor. Monster Mash is my jam.
Mitch: Just be careful not to break your hip.
Tammy: You’re such a square, Mitch.
Mitch: I am not!
Tammy: Then come dance with me!
Mitch: I think I will!
Martin: Patty Lynn, don’t you dare get any ideas. I will certainly break a hip.
Patty Lynn: I wasn’t even going to ask.
Marietta: You guys have fun, but make sure you’re back in time for the group costume contest. I’m not losing just because Stevie and Lindsey decided to break the chain.
Martin: The contest isn’t for two hours, I don’t think you need to worry.
Marietta: You never know, dad. Tammy gets forgetful sometimes.
Tammy: Forgetful, yes. Full of stamina? No. I’ll be done dancing in about ten minutes.
Marietta: Just don’t dance so aggressively that it messes up your hair!
Milton: Marietta! Let them live!
Marietta: It’s Halloween! Why would I let them live?
Three hours later…
Patty Lynn: Well that was so much fun, you guys ready to go?
Kathleen: Olivia Newton-John is looking a bit sleepy, we probably should go.
Sarah: I’m Olivia Rodrigo! Who is Olivia Newton-John?
Patty Lynn: we’re watching Grease tomorrow.
Milton: We probably shouldn’t have Sarah her do that full cheer routine.
Marietta: No, that helped us win the group costume contest!
Tammy: Aren’t you glad I was able to talk you into submitting as a group this year? When you compete with me instead of against me, you win!
Marietta: My Billy Eilish would’ve beaten your Stevie Nicks in a head-to-head contest, don’t pretend otherwise.
Patty Lynn: No one really answered my question.
Martin: Are you guys ready to go?
Tammy: I danced, I drank, I mingled, I ate some candy, I’m ready.
Kathleen: I can’t wait to get this head piece off.
Sarah: I can’t get these gloves off. I think they’re fused to my body.
Marietta: I think I’m going to stay, okay?
Patty Lynn: We’re all tired, Marietta. Can’t we just go home?
Marietta: You guys go, I’ll stay. I can walk home myself, it’s not very far.
Patty Lynn: Honey, that’s dangerous.
Marietta: Well, I am a dangerous woman.
Sarah: That’s Ariana Grande! You’re dressed as Billie Eilish!
Marietta: I know that!
Martin: Are you sure you want us to leave you here?
Marietta: I’m a grown woman, I don’t need my parents to watch over me. Go ahead, I know you're all tired and ready to get out of your costumes.
Patty Lynn: What about Sarah?
Sarah: Yeah, what about her?
Marietta: It’s Saturday, Milton can take her.
Milton: I guess.
Sarah: Ouch.
Milton: I didn’t mean it like that, honey!
Sarah: Maybe I’m emotional.
Milton: No, you’re not!
Sarah: Your apathy’s like a wound in salt…
Milton: Huh?
Amy: She’s quoting the song whose music video her outfit is from.
Milton: Oh. I knew it was something like that. This is why I don’t like Halloween.
Patty Lynn: We’re gonna leave you here if you keep talking like that.
Milton: Sorry, I love Halloween, it’s the best.
Patty Lynn: Dial it back. It’s not Christmas.
Marietta: Okay, see you guys tomorrow. I’m going to party!
Patty Lynn: Don’t get too drunk!
Marietta: Mother…
Patty Lynn: Fine, get drunk. You’re only hurting yourself.
Marietta: I really don’t think I’m hurting myself by having some spiked punch.
Two hours later…
Marietta: I think I gotta get out of here, Amy.
Amy: You don’t have to go!
Marietta: No, I really do. My mother’s going to get worried, we all know how she gets.
Amy: Are you sure you’re okay with walking home alone? On Halloween Eve?
Marietta: I’ll be fine, Amy. You still have guests, I don’t want to take you away form them
Amy: Okay, I trust your judgment. Before you go, you want to take some food home with you? I have plenty!
Marietta: No, I really don’t need any leftover sandwiches. Thanks for asking, though. Happy Halloween!
Amy: Happy Halloween!
Ten minutes later, while walking down the street.
Man: Hey!
Marietta: Happy Halloween, sir!
Man: Where’s your money?
Marietta: My what?
The man hits Marietta, knocks her to the ground, grabs her clutch from her, and runs away.
Marietta: What the hell just happened?
Marietta pulls out her phone and calls Amy.
Amy: Marietta! What’s up?
Marietta: I need you to pick me up.
Amy: What’s wrong? I know something’s wrong.
Marietta: I got mugged.
Amy: Are you okay? Oh my god!
Marietta: I’m okay, I just don’t want to walk home myself. I think I hit my head and I fell on my arm. I need someone to take me. I’m sorry to inconvenience you.
Amy: Inconvenience? Get real, Marietta. I’d much rather safely drive you myself and miss out on some party time than have you struggle to get home. What street are you on? I’ll be there in a few minutes.
Marietta: I have no idea.
Amy: Is that because you’re concussed or because you don’t look where you’re going when you’re walking?
Marietta: The second one.
Amy: And she wonders how she got mugged.
Marietta: I’m by Mel’s Jewelry if that helps.
Amy: It actually does. See you soon.
Ten minutes later, in the car…
Marietta: I’m really glad you’re driving me, but I think you just passed the road you need to turn on?
Amy: No, I’m in the right place.
Marietta: You sure?
Amy: Oh, I’m sure.
Marietta: You said that really weirdly.
Ten minutes later…
Marietta: Amy, can you explain to me why we’re at the hospital?
Amy: Because you are clearly not all right. You’re holding your arm strangely and you took off your wig because, and I quote, “it’s making my head wet.” They call that blood!
Marietta: Okay, fine. I’ll go in and get checked out if it makes you happy.
Amy: It does, Sheryl Crow.
Marietta: I’m Billy Eilish!
Amy: “If It Makes You Happy” is the name of a Sheryl Crow song.
Marietta: Oh. That’s swell.
Thirty minutes later, in the hospital…
Amy: So… what’s up?
Marietta: They’re keeping me.
Amy: You’re welcome.
Marietta: I have a broken wrist and a concussion.
Amy: I’m going to call your parents, they need to know.
Marietta: No. Please, no. She’s gonna say she told me so and I don’t need that.
Amy: She’s not going to say that.
Marietta: You clearly have misjudged her then.
Amy: I know her just fine.
The next morning, at the hospital…
Patty Lynn: I told you so.
Marietta: I told Amy you’d say that. She said you wouldn’t. She was wrong.
Patty Lynn: Why did you walk home alone?
Marietta: You let me!
Patty Lynn: You’re so insistent, I had to.
Milton: You are a grown woman, what was mom to do?
Marietta: I don’t need this right now, guys. I am on death’s door!
Milton: You broke your wrist, you’re getting discharged today.
Marietta: I am? Wow!
Tammy: That reminds me, you ready to go to the Halloween parade in the French Quarter?
Marietta: Are you joking?
Moira: The other members city council is freaking out about this, they want to cancel trick-or-treat tonight. You’re going to need to do some sort of statement telling everyone it’s safe to be in the city?
Sarah: Not to mention, we have to watch Hocus Locus together today.
Tammy: You have a very busy day ahead of you, Marietta.
Marietta: Oh god, he should’ve just killed me.
Amy: Marietta, wake up!
Marietta wakes up.
Marietta: Oh god, am I dead? Is this hell?
Amy: You just fell asleep here in the hospital. The doctors said you shouldn’t sleep for a few hours. Wait - you think I’m going to hell?
Marietta: Oh, thank god. My mother isn’t actually here!
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments, listen to the official playlist, vote in the poll below and make sure to return for a new episode next week!
