Raymond Island Season 3 Episode 5 - I’m Not A Witch (Midseason Finale)

Raymond Island Season 3, Episode 5

Emotionally Taxing

Gretchen walks into her front door.

Gretchen: Oh, it feels so good to be home.

Lucinda: Oh, good, you’re home. You can help us decorate.

Gretchen: Help you decorate what?

Lucinda: The house. For Halloween

Gretchen: You’re joking, right?

Christina: Come on, mom! We always go all-out decorating the place for Halloween!

Gretchen: I know that, but you know that’s a job for you and your grandmother. Your father and I work too hard to have to come home and worry about that.

Lucinda: It’s not work if you’re having fun!

Gretchen: You think being governor is fun?

Lucinda: I mean decorating!

Gretchen: Okay, let me rephrase that. You think decorating with you is fun?

Lucinda: I am very fun!

Gretchen: You… you are?

Lucinda: Yes! What about me is not fun?

Gretchen: Your personality, for starters.

Lucinda: You would really speak that way to your own mother? That is horrifying!

Christina: Mom, could you at least hold the ghost garland while I hang it on the mantle. Grandma’s not tall enough.

Lucinda: I’m taller than you!

Christina: Ah, grandma. It’s nice to dream.

Lucinda: I am! You just wear heels all the time while I wear sensible Dr. Scholl’s slippers.

Gretchen: I will help you with the garland since you don’t seem to trust your grandmother with it.

Lucinda: How could she not trust me?

Gretchen: I’m ignoring that. Anyway, I will only help with this. I have work to do.

Christina: That’s fine, it’s all I need help with. Grandma and I can handle the rest.

One hour later…

Anthony: Wow, this place looks incredible!

Toby: I love the hanging witch on the porch!

Gretchen: I think that’s just your grandma.

Lucinda: I’m right here, thank you very much! And I’m not a witch!

Christina: Mom vowed that she wouldn’t help me decorate and yet, here she is. I appreciate it, though! We’re getting done in record time!

Anthony: I have never seen a house with more Halloween decorations than ours.

Gretchen: Most people save up their energy to go all-out for Christmas. Not us!

Christina: I’m still in competition with the DeFazios up the street. Every year, they have to try and one-up me. They are obsessed with me!

Anthony: Honey, are you sure they aren’t just fans of Halloween?

Christina: No, that doesn’t make any sense.

Anthony: So you’re the only person who likes Halloween enough to decorate for it?

Gretchen: Don’t reason with her, honey. She’s just far too competitive to think logically about this.

Toby: I think our house looks spooky!

Christina: Spooky? It’s supposed to look outright terrifying!

Anthony: A house doesn’t need to be scary to have the Halloween spirit!

Christina: Grandma, can we run to the store for some new Halloween decorations? I clearly need to add to the display if it’s only “spooky.”

Lucinda: Don’t you have a driver’s license?

Christina: Who do you think I am, Olivia Rodrigo?

Lucinda: Who?

Gretchen: Christina, don’t reference any young celebrities around your grandmother. You know her brain can’t take it.

Anthony: I can take you to the store if you want.

Christina: I can just order online, they do overnight shipping now.

Anthony: Well, with that out of the way, do you need any help here?

Christina: No, I think we’re good with just mom, grandma and I.

Gretchen: Do you?

Lucinda: I agree, I don’t think we need Anthony’s help.

Anthony: I really am willing to help! I think it’ll be fun!

Toby: I can help too!

Anthony: Family decorating time?

Gretchen: How about you guys help them and I go do that work I was supposed to start on an hour ago?

Anthony: If that helps you, no objections from me.

Gretchen: Thank you for being so nice and understanding. I wish everyone else was like you.

Toby: I’m understanding and nice!

Gretchen: Yes, Toby. You are. I was referring to -

Lucinda: He knows who you were referring to!

Gretchen: How could I ever be under the impression that you aren’t nice?

Lucinda: I was referring to Christina.

Toby: You’re right, she’s not nice.

Christina: You little…

Anthony: Oh, the magic of Halloween.

There is a knock at the door.

Gretchen: I wonder who that could be. No one ever visits us. For good reason.

Toby: I bet it’s Michael Myers!

Christina: Like he’d knock.

Toby: He might!

Gretchen: Why does Toby know who Michael Myers is?

Christina: Kids these days!

Gretchen: Did you watch Halloween with him?

Toby: Yes! It was awesome!

Gretchen: Why could I not have children who were into Hallmark films instead of… this?

Christina: If you wanted that, you should’ve raised us as evangelicals. Or let us hang out with our divorced middle-aged neighbor Debbie.

Toby: I miss Debbie.

Gretchen: Debbie went to a nice farm upstate.

Christina: Oh my god, mom! Did you kill Debbie?

Toby: Why would mom kill Debbie?

Gretchen: No! She just moved to a farm in Smithfield.

Lucinda: Oh my god! Is someone going to answer the damn door?

Gretchen: That’s right, I forgot about that.

Gretchen opens the door.

Christina: Is it a killer, mom?

Gretchen: No, it’s just Carol.

Carol: “Just Carol?” I feel so loved.

Gretchen: What are you doing here, Carol? Shouldn’t you be at home?

Susana: We should be, but…

Gretchen: Oh, hi Susana! Wait… where are you?

Susana: I’m behind this hanging witch thing.

Gretchen: That witch has been quite the conversation starter today.

Carol: Anyway, we were driving home from the grocery store when Susana saw something on her phone that we thought you should see.

Gretchen: And that is…?

Carol: Show her.

Susana pulls out her phone.

Gretchen: Is that… is that a video of me as a witch flying on a broom?

Susana: It’s a TikTok, but yes.

Gretchen: A what?

Carol: Come on, Gretchen. You have to know TikTok!

Gretchen: Is it some sort of clock?

Susana: It’s short videos like this one I just showed you.

Gretchen: Oh.

Christina: She’s just now learning how to use Instagram, give her some time.

Lucinda: Even I know TikTok!

Gretchen: You do?

Lucinda: Yes!

Carol: Anyway, this sort of video is a trend on TikTok. Apparently one of the influencers on there thinks you look like a witch so a bunch of people are now posting videos with your face on top of various witchcraft-related videos. Susana, show her the Bewitched video.

Susana: That’s my favorite one.

Gretchen: Bewitched?

Susana: It’s your face on the body of the lady from Bewitched -

Lucinda: Put some respect on the name of Elizabeth Montgomery.

Susana: Anyway, you are zipping through the sky on a broom as the Bewitched theme song plays.

Christina: What’s Bewitched?

Lucinda: Now you know how I feel when you’re talking about all your young person things.

Gretchen: So what do you want me to do about these TokTiks?

Susana: TikToks!

Gretchen: Whatever.

Carol: There’s nothing we can do, just thought you’d like to know. Just in case people start calling you a witch to your face.

Lucinda: You mean like she did to me?

Carol: I feel like the best response to that is for me to ignore it.

Anthony: Good choice.

Carol: So, now that you know about these videos, we’re going to get out of here. See you tomorrow, Gretch!

Gretchen: Make sure you leave me a good parking space for my broom.

The next day, in Gretchen’s office…

Jeanne: Look, everybody! Rhiannon finally made it to work!

Hank: I thought she was the Wicked Witch of New England?

Jeanne: That works, too.

Gretchen: What are you doing in my office? Susana, what are they doing in my office?

Susana: As always, they forced themselves in.

Jeanne: That is a lie! Hank forced himself in, I just walked in behind him.

Hank: You always throw me under the bus.

Jeanne: That’s because you are a bad influence.

Gretchen: I’m not here for couples counseling, which is what you’re here for, based on what I’m seeing.

Jeanne: We are not! We’re just here to make fun of you.

Gretchen: Another productive morning at the Rhode Island state house, I guess.

Hank: Are you one to talk about productivity?

Gretchen: The only time I’m ever not working hard is when you bozos come to see me.

Jeanne: Bozos?

Gretchen: I said what I said.

Hank: I feel very disrespected right now. I think it’s time to leave.

Gretchen: You think? I want nothing more than for that exact thing to happen.

Hank: You’re getting your wish. I have work to do.

Jeanne: Have a nice day, Gretchen. Try not to boil any eye of newt while you’re on the job.

Hank: Happy season of the witch!

Hank and Jeanne leave.

Carol: What was that about?

Gretchen: Harassment. They exist solely to harass me.

Carol: We have bigger problems than them.

Gretchen: What a shocker. What’s going on now?

Carol: Susana?

Susana: The TikTok meme is spreading.

Gretchen: Spreading? Is it like an infection now or what?

Susana: It’s now become popular on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Gretchen: So now the soccer moms are also going to think I’m a witch and not just the teens. Wonderful.

Carol: We need to take advantage of this.

Gretchen: Take advantage? In what way?

Carol: I know this will sound crazy -

Gretchen: You don’t have to say it if it sounds crazy.

Carol: It’s Halloween.

Gretchen: i am aware of that.

Carol: We’re going to get you a TikTok account and make a joke post about the whole witch thing.

Gretchen: What? Why?

Carol: It can get you some positive media attention, show you’re a good sport about it and you’re in on the joke. That can help you get donations which can help you fend off this challenge from Samantha.

Susana: Plus, there’s no better way to kill a TikTok trend than for the butt of the joke to get in on it.

Gretchen: You think people will want to donate to a person that is a witch?

Carol: You’re not a witch!

Gretchen: I know I’m not a witch! Why are you telling me to say I’m a witch?!?

Susana: You wouldn’t be saying you’re a witch. Just post a fun video of you in a witch costume holding a broom. Something cute like that will get loads of views now that you’re a big TikTok star.

Carol: We have to strike while the iron is hot, though. People on TikTok have very short attention spans.

Susana: How would you know that, mother?

Carol: I TikTok.

Susana: What do you post?

Carol: I have fifteen followers who could tell you. I won’t, though. I will not be made fun of for being whimsical.

Susana: So, Gretchen. You in?

Gretchen: I guess I can do it.

Susana: Okay, I’m going to Party City to get a costume. What size do you want?

Gretchen: Never ask a woman what size clothes she wears!

Susana: I’ll just but every size.

Gretchen: No, I’ll just write it down.

Carol: Why would you need to write it down? Who are you afraid of hearing it?

Gretchen: You never know when someone is lurking!

Carol: No one is lurki-

Samantha: Wow, the cast of Hocus Pocus is looking rough!

Gretchen: Someone like her.

Samantha: Shut up.

Gretchen: So lovely to see you, lieutenant governor. Do you have anything to add, or are you just here to annoy me like Speaker Matthews and Leader Rivero?

Samantha: Just passing through, thought I’d pop in. It’s the season of the witch, after all.

Gretchen: Hank already used that joke.

Samantha: Damn him.

Gretchen: If you have nothing to add, then perhaps you can go so we can work?

Samantha: Geez, someone’s in a bad mood.

Gretchen: Go before I turn you into a frog!

Samantha: Just promise me one thing.

Gretchen: What is that?

Samantha: When you return to Halloweentown, take me with you.

Gretchen: I should slap you.

Samantha: Do you not appreciate my jokes, Elphaba?

Gretchen: Carol, can you escort her out?

Carol: On it?

Samantha: I’m gonna try defying gravity.

Gretchen: Yeah, great. Good for you.

Samantha: You’re sending me off into the woods1

Carol: Gretchen doesn’t do theater, these are lost on her.

Samantha: Tasteless, just what I’d expect from Stevie Nicks over there.

Gretchen: Jeanne made that joke.

Samantha: Damn them!

Susana: So, Gretchen. Ready to TikTok?

Gretchen: You still need to get my costume!

Susana: Crap, I forgot. Samantha really distracted me.

Gretchen: She’s the witch around here.

Samantha: I did dabble in witchcraft in college.

Gretchen: Are you kidding me?

Later that night…

Christina: Mom!

Gretchen: Yeeeeeeeeees?

Christina: I saw your TikTok.

Gretchen: People watched it?

Christina: Over two million views so far, actually.

Gretchen: Oh god…

Christina: It’s good! I think it might actually be beneficial.

Lucinda: You’re going to be called a witch forever.

Anthony: She’ll always be my favorite witch!

Lucinda: I didn’t get to see it, let me see it!

Christina pulls out her phone and plays the video.

Lucinda: What’s with the black dress? And the broom? You don’t need that to look like a witch?

Gretchen: Hey pot. Meet kettle

What did you think of the midseason finale of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below and make sure to read the season premiere of Marietta next Monday and the Raymond Island holiday special in December!


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