Olivia is out in her garden when Fred interrupts her.
Fred: Dear, your mother is on the phone.
Olivia: And?
Fred: You need to answer it.
Olivia: Can’t you bring it to me?
Fred: No, she called on the landline.
Olivia: I’m trimming my roses. No one interrupts me when I’m trimming my roses. Why can’t she call my cell phone?
Fred: She’s your mother, I can’t read her mind.
Olivia: Wait, were you able to read your mother’s mind?
Fred: No!
Olivia: Well, why’d you suggest you did?
Fred: Just answer the phone, Olivia.
Olivia: Oh, fine.
Olivia walks into the house and picks up the phone.
Olivia: What is it, mother?
Eleanor: Is that any way to talk to your mother? Or the queen?
Olivia: I’m sorry, mother. What is it that you are calling about, my dearest mother?
Eleanor: That’s better. I’m calling to invite you -
Olivia: Those words are terrifying.
Eleanor: I’m calling to invite you to stay with the family for the week at Balmoral. We’re heading there on Friday.
Olivia: Balmoral? You want me to go to Scotland for a week without my husband? Mother, you know I can’t do that.
Eleanor: I know, I want him to come with you.
Olivia: You want Fred to come with on the family vacation?
Eleanor: He is in the family the last time I checked.
Olivia: That would be news to you about two months ago.
Eleanor: I’ve always considered him family, Olivia.
Olivia: You’ve met him what, three times?
Eleanor: Why must you be so hostile? I’m inviting you both to my favorite place on earth so we can all get closer.
Olivia: I do want to come, I’ll have to talk with Fred about it. Who else is coming?
Eleanor: Your brothers -
Olivia: Which brothers?
Eleanor: Claude, Ethan and Anthony. All of them.
Olivia: Wow, you tracked Anthony down? He wasn’t even at papa’s funeral.
Eleanor: Apparently his tour of the Australian outback is over so he’s free to spend a week in Scotland.
Olivia: Are my children invited?
Eleanor: Of course Todd and Genevieve are invited! It wouldn't be a family vacation without my grandchildren!
Olivia: Did you invite anyone else?
Eleanor: Such as?
Olivia: The Prime Minister or the American President or Sir Elton John? When we were growing up, you had a tendency to bring work with you.
Eleanor: Not on this trip. This is just family!
Olivia: I’m going to talk to Fred about it and I’ll get back to you tomorrow, okay?
Eleanor: Tomorrow? Why not tonight? It takes twelve hours for him to decide if he’s going somewhere?
Olivia: It’s getting late and I have to make dinner and finish trimming my roses.
Eleanor: It’s three o’clock.
Olivia: I get enough judgment about settling in early from my daughter, I don’t need to hear it from my ninety year-old mother as well. Goodbye mother, talk to you tomorrow.
Olivia hangs up.
Fred: You don’t sound that angry, must’ve been a good call!
Olivia: So about that.
Fred: That face. It worries me.
Olivia: My mother asked us to do something./
Fred: Us?
Olivia: She asked us to go with her and the rest of the family to Balmoral in Scotland.
Fred: Again… us?
Olivia: I was as shocked as you, but yes, us!
Fred: Us?
Olivia: Dear, you’ve got to stop saying that.
Fred: I’m just, well, flabbergasted.
Olivia: Does that mean you’ll go?
Fred: I don’t want to, but I feel as if this is important to you. So I will go.
Olivia: Oh, Fred! That’s great!
Fred: Yes, great. That’s what it is.
Olivia: Glad we’re on the same page.
Four days later…
Ethan: Olivia! Welcome back to Balmoral!
Olivia: They sent you out to welcome us? What did you do to tick them off?
Ethan: I wanted to come out and help you with your bags. No one had to tell me to do it.
Olivia: That’s because you’re a good brother.
Ethan: Speaking of brothers, Anthony is here! He’s very excited to see you again!
Olivia: Anthony beat us here? Are we the last ones to arrive?
Ethan: Oh, lord no. Your son and daughter aren’t here yet.
Olivia: What a surprise.
Ethan: I’m sorry, I’ve been so terribly rude. Frederick, it’s so nice to see you again. Unlike the rest of my family, I’ve always quite liked you!
Fred: Thank you?
Ethan: You’re welcome.
Selina: Ethan, your mother wants to know where you put her luggage!
Ethan: Tell her it’s in her room!
Selina: Where in her room?
Ethan: Olivia, I think this is my cue. I need to go deal with that. See you inside.
Olivia: See you inside.
Fred: Is it going to be like this the whole time?
Olivia: Like what?
Fred: Awkward.
Olivia: Oh, yes. Now come on, let’s get inside.
Fred: Is it too late to go back home?
Olivia: It is. Now grab a suitcase!
Inside the castle…
Claude: Look who finally found her way here!
Christine: I was starting to think she got lost.
Olivia: I am not that late.
Anthony: Even I made it here before you!
Olivia: My god, Anthony. It’s been forever!
Eleanor: Speaking of forever, are you going to introduce us all to your husband?
Claude: Yeah, Olivia. Don’t be rude.
Olivia: You need to stop kissing mom’s a-
Claude: How very dare you?
Olivia: So, everyone. Most of you have met him before but a re-introduction may be needed. This is Fred. Fred, this is everyone.
Fred: That’s very specific, dear.
Claire: It’s lovely to meet you, I’ve heard nothing about you.
Fred: How lovely.
Arthur: We’ve met before but it’s been so long, I forget. I was only like five or six when we last saw one another.
Claire: Dear, it was twenty years ago. You are forty.
Arthur: Don’t tell people that!
Olivia: So that’s my nephew Arthur and his wife Claire.
Claire: Again, so nice to meet you. I love meeting new people.
Selina: Can I just say, Olivia, it’s so nice to see you wearing your Sunday best for this big occasion.
Olivia: I’m wearing a flannel skirt and a tweed jacket. This is NOT my Sunday best!
Selina: I just assumed, based on what I’ve seen you wear, that this is the nicest thing you own.
Olivia: You know, I might dress casually for the present-day you, but you dressed just the same when you were Selina Allensburg from Canterbury.
Selina: I wouldn’t be seen dead in that atrocity!
Ethan: Ladies, stop it!
Olivia: Oh, are you finally back from tracking down mother’s luggage?
Ethan: You know, you’re mean.
Olivia: I know, but I wouldn’t be myself if I were nice, you know?
Selina: Yeah, you might be tolerable.
Eleanor: Olivia, I think we have a new guest!
Christine: So I’m not getting introduced to Fred?
Fred: I’m Fred, I know you’re the Princess of Wales. It’s been an eternity but it’s nice to meet you once again.
Eleanor: Genevieve, welcome back to Balmoral! Make yourself at home!
Olivia: Gigi, where are the children?
Eleanor: Yes, I’ve been so looking forward to meeting my great-grandchildren!
Gigi: As if I would bring those little rugrats with to ruin my vacation!
Arthur: I’m sure your children would really enjoy hanging out with their cousins! Marina and Christopher could use a friend around here.
Warren: Well, they’re at my sister’s house. I told Gigi to bring them but she said “no, leave them with Shauna” and I wasn’t about to argue with her.
Todd: No one argues with Gigi without regretting it.
Gigi: Oh, god. For a second I thought the bogeyman was here!
Olivia: Gigi, be nice to your brother.
Todd: It’s a shame you have to tell her that, well into her fifties.
Gigi: I’m forty-eight! I should slap you!
Eleanor: We are on a family vacation, you two! Be respectful!
Gigi: Yes, grandmother…
Todd: Sorry, gran.
Eleanor: You don’t need to
apologize to me, just try to get along. That’s all I ask.
Claude: I have a question, mother. When is dinner? I’m getting a bit hungry.
Eleanor: It’s at fire. It’s four now, so hopefully you can manage.
Olivia: I think he can make do.
Claude: Do you really?
Olivia: Yes, I do.
Claude: I think you should mind your own business.
Eleanor: It’s bad enough that I had to reprimand my forty year-old grandchildren to stop acting like grade schoolers. I shouldn’t have to tell my sixty year-old children the same thing!
Olivia: Claude started it.
Claude: I did not!
Eleanor: Come on, Anthony. Let’s go catch up in the sitting room, where we don’t have a bunch of bickering buffoons.
One hour later, in the dining room…
Fred: Where should I sit? There’s no seat open next to you, Olivia.
Olivia: Sit right there.
Fred: At the end of the table?
Olivia: Why not?
Fred: Okay, fine. You just know I hate sitting at this part of the table.
Claude: Mother, you’re not really going to let him sit there, are you?
Fred: I thought we were getting along well, Claude!
Claude: Do you not know what that seat is?
Fred: No, I haven’t been here before.
Eleanor: Let him sit there, Claude. It’s no big deal.
Fred: Can someone tell me what it is with this chair?
Claire: That was Paul’s seat. It’s our first time here without him.
Claude: This was supposed to be my seventieth year visiting Balmoral with him. We didn’t make it here this summer because he was sick but he was supposed to get better.
Fred: I’m so sorry for your loss. My father died a few years back, I understand the feeling.
Olivia: Claude, would you feel better if you sat there instead?
Christine: He’s staying where he is. I’m sitting next to my husband.
Olivia: Okay, so you are. I could sit there. The seat can stay in the family that way.
Eleanor: Frederick is in the family! Let him sit there!
Fred: I feel profoundly uncomfortable.
Eleanor: Don’t! Life goes on, just because you’re sitting in the seat doesn’t mean you’re replacing him. Claude needs to understand that.
Claude: I do! It just makes me sad, that’s all. I’m allowed to be sad.
Olivia: Speaking of sad, how are yo, Anthony?
Anthony: I’m doing well!
Olivia: Australia treated you well?
Anthony: It was definitely one of the highlights of my life.
Olivia: I’d hope so, you missed our father’s funeral for it.
Ethan: Yeah, what was that about?
Anthony: It was too much for me to deal with, emotionally. Papa and I said had a great chat before I left for Australia and he knew how much I cared. I don’t think he would’ve been upset about me not going to the funeral.
Olivia: I’m glad you didn’t go.
Anthony: Why’s that?
Olivia: Because I did go, and for so long I’ve been the screw-up. It was nice to not be mom’s least-favorite for once.
Eleanor: I do not have favorites!
Olivia: Are you joking? Ethan is clearly your favorite.
Ethan: What? That’s insane!
Olivia: She dotes on you far more than she dotes on any of us.
Ethan: How would you know? You’ve been back in the family for a month!
Olivia: It’s always been that way. I don’t blame her, though. You’re the nicest.
Claude: I’m nice!
Arthur: Father…
Claude: I’m nice!
Christine: Claude…
Claude: I’m nice!
Olivia: You can keep saying it, but that will not make it true.
Arthur: You’re not rude, but you can be cold. Uncle Ethan is nicer
Claude: I feel betrayed by my own son.
Olivia: Just be happy that you’re eating. God forbid you have to wait until dinner time to eat.
Gigi: Mom, you eat dinner at three o’clock any other day.
Olivia: I don’t demand that others have dinner that early if I’m eating at their house. That’s the difference.
Eleanor: Do I have to yell at the two of you again?
Olivia: No, mother.
The next morning…
Fred: Wakey wakey!
Olivia: Fred, what time is it? It’s dark out. Pitch dark.
Fred: Five.
Olivia: Goodnight, Fred.
Fred: Goodnight?
Olivia: I’m going back to sleep. I’m on vacation and I’m not getting up before six.
Fred: I’m not going back to bed.
Olivia: I didn’t say you were. You get up if you want.
Fred: Okay, I will. Enjoy your rest.
Olivia: Will do!
Fred walks out of the bedroom and down to the sitting room.
Claire: Oh, someone else is awake!
Fred: Claire, what are you doing up?
Claire: I’m a mother of three, including a toddler. “Sleep” is not a word in my vocabulary.
Fred: Sadly, I never got the chance experience the joy of parenthood myself.
Claire: Congratulations. Oh, I shouldn’t say that. I love my children with all my heart. They just have the tendency to exhaust me slightly.
Fred: I understand that. I live with Olivia.
Claire: She can be a lot, but she’s a wonderful lady.
Fred: Don’t get me wrong, she is the love of my life and I love her with every fiber of my being. But she is a handful!
Claire: That’s how you could describe everyone in this family.
Fred: You’d know better than me.
Arthur: Are you bad-mouthing me?
Claire: Oh, honey. What are you doing awake?
Arthur: So you were bad-mouthing me! Well, continue.
Fred: She wasn’t bad-mouthing you.
Claire: Are you okay? Why are you up so early?
Arthur: You know how it goes. It’s always hard those first few nights away from home.
Fred: Can we turn on another light? I feel like we’re in a cave.
Arthur: I’m sure it won’t wake anyone up, go ahead.
Fred: I was more worried about the two of you being okay with it.
Claire: We’re fine!
Arthur: Our eyes will get used to the brightness. Contrary to what people on the internet say, we’re not vampires.
Eleanor: What is going on down here? It’s the middle of the night!
Claude: Mother, is something wrong?
Fred: Oh no! I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you!
Eleanor: I’m just messing with you, I couldn’t sleep.
Claude: And this is, to Christine’s chagrin, the time I usually wake.
Fred: I didn’t realize her majesty made jokes.
Eleanor: Well, I do! I’m quite fun to be a round.
Arthur: Very true, granny!
Eleanor: So, who wants tea?
Fred: Are you making it?
Eleanor: Lord, no. Claude is!
Claude: I am?
Eleanor: Yes.
Fred: You’re much more fun than I imagined. Olivia doesn’t give you enough credit.
Eleanor: I agree, thank you.
One hour later…
Fred: So then I tell her “Olivia, you have to turn the television on first!”
Claude: Oh, that is Olivia! Always so scatterbrained!
Olivia: Hello, Frederick. Good to see you’re getting along so well with my family.
Eleanor: We’re having a wonderful time, Olivia. Why didn’t you bring him around sooner?
Olivia: Gee, I wonder why.
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below, and make sure to return for a new episode next week!
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