The Cougars are at home practicing ahead of a game against the Detroit Supremes.
Sheryl: First and foremost, we had a day off from practice, so I didn’t get the chance to congratulate all of you on snapping our losing streak! Look, dropping three games in a row was tough, but it’s how you bounce back that really matters, and we bounced back! Kansas City is not a bad team, but we stomped them, and it’s because a fire was lit beneath you all. You guys don’t give up, I am so proud of you.
Melissa: It feels like a “but” is coming.
Sheryl: No, I just wanted to commend you all on the work you’re doing. That being said -
Melissa: There we go!
Sheryl: Annie, I’m worried about your ankle.
Annie: I told you, I just rolled it. You didn’t even need to take me out of the game for it, I’m fine.
Sheryl: You had a triple double and thirty points, and we were up fifty. I wasn’t about to leave you in the game and risk a potentially minor injury developing into something else.
Annie: The medical team said I’m fine!
Sheryl: I’m aware. I just don’t want you playing if you don’t feel 100%.
Annie: I’m fine. I iced it that night, everything feels good, I’m ready to go.
Sheryl: All right, then you’ll play.
Debra: We are playing Detroit, we could just sit you. I honestly think a starting lineup of Lightlinger, Hoover, DeLuca, London, and Haas could beat Detroit.
Melissa: What does that mean?
Debra: It means we wouldn’t be sending our best. I thought that was quite clear?
Annie: I want to play every game I can. I won’t sit just because we’re playing an “easy” team.
Debra: Why’d you put that in air quotes? They’re being coached by the Real Housewife of Detroit, they’re not our league’s finest team.
Annie: Never go into a game expecting a win. That’s how they catch you.
Sheryl: Correct! Somehow, our rookie knows better than our twenty-year veteran.
Debra: I do my own thing. It’s worked out pretty well for me.
Sheryl: I just want to say, I don’t exactly have a ton of respect for Jill Herecliff’s coaching style, but she has gotten better this season!
Debra: How many wins do they have, two?
Sheryl: Five!
Debra: You’re right, that is more than last year.
Aubrey: How has she not been fired?
Debra: She’s schtupping the owner.
Sheryl: I think that’s an unfair way to categorize it. Her husband is the owner of the team.
Debra: You’re right, marriage does tend to put the kibosh on the schtupping.
Carmen: Why is Debra talking like a Jewish comedian from the 1950s?
Aubrey: Because she has fond memories of seeing them in person.
Debra: Haha, we get it, I’m old.
Sheryl: Everyone, knock it off with the fighting. We need to practice. Annie, you can skip practice if you want.
Annie: Why would I do that?
Debra: I think that would be very unfair.
Sheryl: That ankle still worries me. I’d rather you take care and just let us list you as “probable” for tomorrow.
Annie: I’m fine! Ouch!
Sheryl: Oh my god, what happened?
Annie: I’m just messing with you.
Sheryl: You’re spending too much time with Debra.
Debra: No such thing!
Melissa: I don’t know about that.
Debra: Like you’re any better!
Melissa: What does that mean?
Debra: You’re a troll, too. We’re both bad influences on Carter.
Sheryl: Yes, yes, you’re both terrible vets who negatively influence the most promising rookie our league’s ever seen. No need to bicker about it, it’s a simple fact.
Keith: It’s working out pretty well for us, we’re about to clinch a playoff spot.
Sheryl: Don’t encourage them, Keith.
Keith: I won’t. Sorry, coach.
Sheryl: It’s okay. I’m also guilty of enabling them. In fact, putting them on the same team was probably ill-advised.
Melissa: We’re just passionate.
Sheryl: Passionate about making my life more complicated, yes.
The next day…
Sheryl: Annie, you’re sure you’re good to go?
Annie: Coach, we’re about to walk out onto the court.
Sheryl: I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t make sure.
Annie: You’ve made sure hundreds of times.
Sheryl: This is my last time, I promise. You’re good to go, get on the court.
Debra: Don’t worry, I’ll watch over her.
Sheryl: That doesn’t ease my worries in any way.
Debra: I figured.
Jill: Good luck today, Sheryl. You’re gonna need it, we’re on a hot streak.
Lorenzo (Jill’s assistant coach): Coach, we’ve lost the last eight games.
Jill: Which is fine, we’re doing a lot of other things on the court.
Lorenzo: Like what, cardio?
Jill: This is a development season. We’re focused on player development over results this year.
Lorenzo: They say losing builds character.
Keith: Well, Jill’s quite a character.
Sheryl: Good luck to you, too, Jill. Should be a good game.
Keith: Yeah, you guys might only lose by twenty, our team is exhausted right now.
Sheryl: Ignore him, he thinks being overly cocky is a personality trait.
Jill: That seems like a recurring issue on your team.
Sheryl: Excuse me?
Jill: All of your players act like they’re God’s gift to basketball.
Sheryl: Get real, Jill. You’re still just mad Annie Carter declared this year and ended up on our team, as if you’d have any idea of how to coach her. I’ll take her to the next level. She’d either have to ignore you or she’d regress under you.
Jill: Not true!
Sheryl: Have you challenged a single call this season?
Jill: I trust the refs!
Sheryl: You do that.
Jill: Now you’re getting sarcastic! Don’t insult my intelligence!
Lorenzo: Coach, let’s take a deep breath. Focus on the game.
Jill: Did it start?
Lorenzo: It’s about to.
Gerald: It’s game day here at Ball Arena, and the Cougars look for another win, two days after clinching a playoffs berth for the first time since 2021.
Clarice: They face the Detroit Supremes, who have won just four games this season and have already been statistically eliminated from playoff contention, despite ten games remaining in their season.
Gerald: The Cougars are starting a lineup that’s worked very well for them in this half of the season - Carter, Andreesi, Hale, Foley, and Billings.
Clarice: The Supremes will experiment with a new starting five of Vicksburg, Marshall, Fawn, Armani, and their all-star, Gribble, as usual frontcourt starters Dunnelly and Hartman will come off the bench.
Gerald: And the game has just begun and this is something I have never seen before.
Clarice: What on earth just happened?
Sheryl: What do you mean a tech?
Roseanne: Coach, calm down. You don’t want to get ejected five seconds into the game.
Jill: She was triggering me! I’m innocent!
Lorenzo: Jill, remember, deep breath.
Gerald: The refs have given technical fouls to both coaches just seconds into the game for fighting.
Clarice: This is quite unprecedented, but things were getting a bit chippy between the two of them pre-game, and the refs to have just had enough.
Gerald: Since the technical is on both teams, play will continue as normal, with no free throws.
Melissa: Coach, what’s going on?
Sheryl: Nonsense. That’s what’s going on.
Jill: You started it!
Sheryl: Do you even know you’re coaching a basketball game right now?
Jill: I don’t know, do you?
Sheryl: Huh?
Clarice: And, after a dramatic start, Debra Andreesi puts the first points of the game on the board with a huge three.
Gerald: I’m sure coach Wilson will be very excited about it whenever she take a break from arguing with coach Herecliff and notices what her all-star just hit.
Later in the game…
Clarice: Wow, Jill Herecliff is on her cell phone. Does she realize the game is back from a break?
Gerald: We saw her spending that entire review talking on her phone rather than drawing up a play for her team. So I’d guess she still thinks the officials are reviewing the play.
The referee blows their whistle, makes a T with their hands, and points to Jill.
Referee: You’re out.
Jill: Me? What about her?
Referee: You have to go.
Annie: Hit the road, Jack!
Sheryl: Carter, shh!
Debra: We don’t need anyone else getting a -
Sheryl: You two, get in the game. We’re down four, I don’t even know how this happened. We gotta fix this.
Keith: You sat the starters a bit too early, in my -
Sheryl: Keith, I find’t ask.
Annie: Someone’s gotta shoot the tech free throw.
Sheryl: Oh, right. You can do it.
Annie: Hurrah!
Aubrey: Good luck, babe.
Debra: Coach, you seem distracted tonight.
Sheryl: That woman rattled me.
Debra: You let the Real Housewife get to you? Has she ever even picked up a basketball before?
Sheryl: This is not my finest moment as a coach.
Gerald: Jill Herecliff has been ejected and off she goes. The crowd’s cheering, they’re happy to see her gone.
Clarice: Assistant coach Lorenzo will be stepping up in her stead.
Gerald: Does he have a last name?
Clarice: All it says here is “Lorenzo.”
Gerald: That’s, uh… this is the weirdest game I’ve ever watched.
Clarice: I can’t disagree.
Later in the game…
Clarice: So, acting head coach Lorenzo has just gotten another technical foul for accidentally wandering onto the court.
Gerald: What is happening today?
Clarice: I don’t know what I’m more amazed by: the bizarre technical fouls, or that the Cougars are still trailing this team.
Gerald: It’s an odd game.
Debra: Coach, my hip.
Sheryl: Time out!
Carmen: Coach, the game’s already stopped.
Sheryl: Oh, right. All these techs are confusing me.
Debra: You’re not alone.
Aubrey: Can I shoot the free throw this time?
Sheryl: Why the hell not?
Annie: I can’t wait until this game is over.
Sheryl: Careful what you wish for, we’re losing right now.
Annie: How?
Sheryl: I wish I could answer that. I truly can’t.
Later, after the game…
Hailey: Coach, what went wrong in this game?
Sheryl: Hailey, what went right?
Debra: I would agree with Sheryl on that. Nothing went right.
Annie: I had nineteen points, that was pretty good.
Debra: Six turnovers.
Annie: We don’t talk about those.
Sheryl: I would say we just started off on the wrong foot. I had to walk on eggshells to avoid being ejected, Jill Herecliff was being purposely distracting and obnoxious.
Hailey: Are you blaming the opposing coach for your loss?
Sheryl: No, I take full credit. Really. Her antics just got the best of me. The referees should have ejected her earlier, and I’ll take the fine for that. I was just really displeased by what happened out there.
Debra: I gotta say, I was impressed by how they managed to get two coaches ejected on the same night. I don’t like to lose, but that was fun.
Annie: Who was even coaching the team at the end there?
Debra: I don’t even know. Knowing her, it was like Ronald McDonald or something.
Sheryl: The first assistant coach that stepped up was a baseball player, maybe the other assistant was a volleyball coach.
Annie: Well, they won the game with their revolving door of coaches, so I guess they did something right.
Sheryl: No, we just did a lot wrong.
Annie: Fair enough.
What did you think of this episode of Foul Play? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode of Foul Play next Thursday!
