Beverly: And… cut!
Frances: I just can’t believe it.
Marcia: Can’t believe what?
Frances: We only have one more show after this.
Marcia: You should believe it, you’re the one who decided to end the show.
Frances: Not because I didn’t want to do it anymore. I was given the opportunity to move on to something new and get a fresh start in life, and I took it. I’m at a point in my life where I needed to do that.
Beverly: Well I, for one, and looking forward to my retirement.
Frances: You’ve officially decided to retire?
Beverly: Dana’s struggling to find me work, I don’t really think she has anything lined up to replace you when this show goes off the air. So I told her, don’t worry about me, worry about your network. I’m content with the career I’ve had, I’m going to enjoy my life with my husband.
Jane: Shh.
Beverly: “Shh” what?
Jane: Some of us don’t have husbands.
Jane motions her head towards Frances.
Frances: Thank you for being subtle about that. Here I was, thinking the engaged lesbian was the one triggered by the mention of a husband.
Jane: We’re actually getting married this weekend.
Frances: What? Why didn’t you tell me?
Jane: We just decided last night.
Marcia: Honey, you do realize you need to book a wedding venue months or even a year in advance, right?
Jane: We’re just going to the courthouse. We wanted to get it done before everything changes so much. We want you guys and Jimmy and Louise to all be there.
Frances: No!
Jane: You don’t want to come? Oh my god, I didn’t realize we were gonna drift apart so fast!
Frances: I wasn’t saying no to that. I was saying I don’t want you two getting married at a courthouse.
Jane: Why not?
Frances: You should be getting married somewhere special, with all the people you love.
Marcia: Frannie, I think it’s a little last minute to invite the cast of The L Word.
Frances: Huh.
Beverly: Aww, I’m gonna miss Frances politely telling Marcia to shut up.
Frances: We’re family forever in my eyes, I will still be seeing her and telling her to shut her mouth often.
Marcia: We really were like a family here. The Four Amigos.
Jane: Weren’t there three amigos?
Marcia: Not for the purpose of this analogy, Jane.
Beverly: Honestly, I’m impressed she knows what the Three Amigos is.
Frances: Marcia, I don’t need you getting all sappy. Because that’s when I’ll start to get all mushy and I’ll sob and I’m not sure I could handle it.
Beverly: We’re all going to sob tomorrow. It’s okay. Winnie the Pooh once said -
Marcia: Finally, someone catering to an audience of Jane.
Beverly: - “How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”
Jane: I love Winnie the Pooh.
Marcia: Oh, we’re aware.
Beverly: That’s how I feel about you guys and this show. But I don’t want to make Frances cry, so -
Frances: Too late!
Marcia: Are we sure it’s too late to get you out of that Bake Your Heart Out contract?
Frances: It is. And I’m ready to move on. It’s just always hard to get to the end of a wonderful journey. Speaking of which, Bev, the special guests for tomorrow’s show… catch me up on who all is coming.
Beverly: Well, your super fan Barb -
Frances: Oh my god, I remember her! Nice lady.
Beverly: The security guard Lola who appeared on the show a few times.
Frances: Lovely. Anyone famous?
Beverly: And then your brother and Louise and Lauren.
Frances: Not famous, but lovely.
Beverly: And last, but not least, we got a video montage of messages from celebrities who stopped in here over the years. Bruce Springsteen, Susan Sarandon, Dave Grohl, TV’s Marcia Brady herself Maureen McCormick, Tom Brady, Tom Petty, lots of people.
Frances: All right. Sounds good. I look forward to it.
Jane: I don’t! I’m not ready for it to be over.
Frances: Ah. There, there. It’ll be okay.
Marcia: At least she’s finally accepted that the show’s ending.
Frances: All right. I think I’m gonna get outta here. I want to get home and get some rest for the big show tomorrow.
Marcia: It’s four o’clock, Frances.
Frances: I know, but it’s never too early to hit the hay! Plus, I think I have a wedding to plan.
Beverly: I think she’s just being hit with emotions, and that’s okay. It’s going to be an emotional few days.
Jane: Especially my wedding! Although, I’m still not sure where that’s gonna be.
Frances: My backyard. I’m telling you, it’s gonna be great. I’ll have my assistant plan it
Jane: But I’m your -
Frances: I was kidding.
Marcia: Maybe let’s include both of the brides in the planning, Frances.
Frances: Don’t worry, I got this!
Beverly: So is your five PM hibernation delayed now?
Frances: Just a bit! Now, I’m gonna get going. I’ll see you guys tomorrow.
Beverly: One last time.
Frances: Don’t say it like that. We don’t need anyone else crying.
Marcia: You mean like you were?
Frances: I don’t know what you’re referring to.
Frances leaves and is stopped by DeAnna immediately after walking outside.
DeAnna: Frances!
Frances: My god, what are you still doing here? You never work this late, you can’t risk not being home in time for Wheel!
DeAnna: I had to make sure I saw you one last time. I’m not here tomorrow, so this is my last chance to see you.
Frances: Funny, you suddenly know my schedule so well. I recall all those times you kept pretending to be confused that I was still working here.
DeAnna: It’s playful banter. We’ve had a fun little feud, I wasn’t gonna give up on it just because you’re quitting.
Frances: I’m not quitting.
DeAnna: What would you call it then?
Frances: I’m accepting a new opportunity.
DeAnna: Whatever. I’ve outlasted you, that’s what matters to me. And I want to say, I know I gave you hell -
Frances: Don’t try taking it back now!
DeAnna: Don’t ruin this for me!
Frances: All right, continue.
DeAnna: I know I gave you hell. My only regret was not giving you more.
Frances: I should’ve figured you were going there.
DeAnna: I’m devious, what can I say?
Frances: DeAnna, having to deal with you has been among the worst experiences of my life.
DeAnna: Aww, I’m flattered!
Frances: I won’t miss you, I’m so glad to be through with you. That being said -
DeAnna: Interesting. A twist!
Frances: I want to do out with kindness. I want to extent a small olive branch. With the caveat that I will have security haul you off the set if you cause issues, I want you to make a guest appearance on my final episode.
DeAnna: Excuse me?
Frances: Whether I like it or not, you’re a major part of my story. I’d like you to be a small part of the ending.
DeAnna: That is quite surprising. Now, I am going to have to be compensated for coming in on my day off -
Frances: Yeah, I don’t need you there that bad.
DeAnna: All right, no compensation, I’ll be there.
Frances: Good choice!
DeAnna: You promise you don’t have any ulterior motives here? You’re not trying to get me on your set just to drop pig’s blood on my head like in Carrie?
Frances: Of course. I’m a pacifist, I’d never kill a pig just to damn it to such an awful fate as to be spilled on you. I’d just drop water on you to see if you melt.
DeAnna: I know you won’t, but I’m sort of going to miss this. Ah well, at least I’ve got Essie.
Essie: Was someone calling for me?
Frances: No, but I’m glad to see you. Essie, you’ve been lovely, I’ll miss you.
Essie: Is it your last show?
Frances: Tomorrow. You can stop by if you want.
Essie: Oh, I don’t want to intrude.
Frances: DeAnna’s gonna be there!
Essie: Really? Wow, I was under the impression that you two didn’t like one another.
Frances: That’s the correct assumption. I’m just trying to be an adult and go out with grace.
Essie: I guess I can stop by, too.
Frances: Great!
DeAnna: You did this to cause me pain.
Frances: The world doesn’t revolve around you, DeAnna, no matter how firmly you believe it does. I’ll see you guys tomorrow.
Frances heads to Dana’s office.
Frances: Dana! So glad I caught you!
Dana: I’m on my way out. Is something wrong? Is it about your last show? Did Springsteen cancel? I told him two months in advance!
Frances: No, boss, no issues with The Boss.
Dana: So what’s up? I’m very busy, so I do need you to make it as quick as you can.
Frances: I’ve been working on an idea. I was trying to wait to pitch it to make sure you forgave me for leaving, but this is my last chance.
Dana: I’m not mad at you for moving on. I understand why you want change.
Frances: I appreciate that. I don’t know if I believe it, but I appreciate it.
Dana: So, what’s your idea?
Frances: I’ve felt terrible about leaving without setting my colleagues up for success. We’re so close and tight-knit, and I don’t want to just leave them unemployed. I’ve heard from a lot of people, and from you yourself, that you don’t have any long-term plans in place to replace my show when it ends.
Dana: I can’t confirm or deny that.
Frances: I know it’s true, and that’s why I have a proposal for you: Marcia in the Kitchen.
Dana: Who’s Marcia? Marcia Clark? Marcia Cross? Do people still remember Desperate Housewives?
Frances: Oh my god. She works for you!
Dana: Don’t judge me! I have a lot of employees!
Frances: Marcia, my former sister-in-law and my assistant from the very beginning of my show.
Dana: Oh, right! Is she star material?
Frances: She’s been an on-air personality for a decade. The network’s viewers are very familiar with her. I don’t mean to brag, but I know my show is the highest-rated on the network. What better way to hold onto those viewers than to replace the show with a new show that uses the same format and a host the viewers are familiar with? Come on, give them a chance! Let the family stick together.
Dana: Does she cook?
Frances: Of course she does! She’s never won a James Beard Award, but neither has DeAnna. Few are as experienced and accomplished as I am, so don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.
Dana: All right.
Frances: All right? That was easy!
Dana: I will give them a trial run. If the ratings sink and it’s clear that the show isn’t worth keeping, we won’t extend it. But they’ll have three months, and we’ll put our weight behind it.
Frances: That’s so fair. Incredibly generous of you, I can’t ask for more.
Dana: Also.
Frances: Oh boy.
Dana: You’re going to announce it on your finale tomorrow. We’re expecting the finale to be the highest-rated episode of the year when it airs in December, this is a great way to grab the attention of millions of viewers.
Frances: Sounds like a plan!
Dana: I hope they’re aware that it’s going to be expected to help us relaunch our lineup. We’ve got big plans.
Frances: Do you? Because I feel like I haven’t hea-
Dana: Frances, I agreed to your idea. Don’t blow it.
Frances: Got it. Thanks, Dana.
Dana: Frances… I wish you a life and career of success. It’s been an honor.
Frances: You’re gonna make me cry, and we weren’t even that close. Imagine how I’ll be tomorrow.
Dana: Okay, that stung a little bit.
Frances: I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to put it so bluntly.
Dana: It’s fine, I know what you mean. It’s gonna be harder to say goodbye to a show you’ve loved for a decade than it is to say goodbye to your boss of a few years.
Later that night…
Lauren: Frances!
Frances: My goodness, what are you doing in here?
Lauren: I used the key you gave me.
Frances: I figured, but why are you in here?
Lauren: I had to set up the celebration.
Frances: I don’t really feel like celebrating, honey. I’m in a bit of a down mood right now. I’m gonna miss my show, and I’m gonna miss the girls. I’m gonna miss your parents, too.
Lauren: I know what you mean. I’m still not able to accept that they won’t be right down the road anymore. I’ve got good news, though.
Frances: All right, let’s hear it.
Lauren: My pilot has finally been ordered to series!
Frances: Oh my goodness! My niece is gonna be a TV star!
Lauren: I’m sure it’s not a huge deal to someone that’s been on TV forever, like you -
Frances: No, it is! I’m excited for you! This is your dream, finally coming true.
Lauren: I was really starting to get worried that it wasn’t going to be ordered. It’s been a while.
Frances: Yeah, it’s been months since you filmed.
Lauren: I don’t know why it took so long, but we got ten episodes, and we’re gonna premiere in the spring.
Frances: And, you know, if this doesn’t work out, even having a network sitcom on your resume like this is going to help in getting auditions and roles in the future. This is just the beginning for you!
Lauren: Why would it not work out?
Frances: No reason at all! Happy Days was a midseason replacement! I’m sure you’ll be the next Fonz.
Lauren: Do you think the show’s gonna flop?
Frances: No! Not at all. But if it did, I know you will be a star. You’re destined for success. I will make sure of it my damn self.
Lauren: Please don’t become a stage aunt.
Frances: I won’t, I promise.
Lauren: Would you mind if I brought my parents over?
Frances: Not at all! I’d like to spend as much time with them as I can before they leave us.
Lauren: You know, I’ve thought of something.
Frances: You’re gonna knock them out and force them to stay? I’ve thought of it already, just doesn’t make sense, logically speaking.
Lauren: No. I was thinking I could buy their house, to keep it in the family. And you can offer them the guest house to stay in whenever they want to come see us. That could make them more likely to come to California to visit.
Frances: It’s a thought. It’s risky, though. You don’t make too much money on the first season of your very first sitcom. You might want to save up. You’re welcome to stay here as long as you want.
Lauren: I think this is something I need to do, to be more independent.
Frances: If that’s what you need, then I’m happy to support you. My girl is finally growing up, I could cry.
Lauren: No, I don’t want to make you cry. I know you’re emotional enough as it is.
Frances: It’s fine. These are happy tears.
Lauren: I’m gonna go tell my parents and bring them back here.
Frances: For one of our last family dinners, I guess.
Lauren: Don’t say it like that, now I’m gonna cry.
Frances: One of our last for now. That better?
Lauren: A little.
Later that night…
Frances: Hey, guys. I have something to ask you.
Louise: You sure? We’re kinda busy.
Jimmy: Lou, you can’t use that as an excuse for everything.
Louise: If she wants something from us, we’re not in the position to give it. Our house is torn apart, boxes everywhere…
Jimmy: Our house isn’t quite as disheveled as you’re making it out to be.
Louise: It’s a mess.
Frances: Well, I do hope you’re still up to being on my last show tomorrow.
Louise: I’m not turning down the chance to be on TV, especially not with two TV stars in the family now.
Frances: All right, good to see some things haven’t changed.
Jimmy: Ah, Frances.
Frances: What?
Jimmy: I’m just gonna miss this place.
Frances: You don’t have to leave!
Jimmy: No, we’re all getting a fresh start. I think that’s a beautiful thing. And I love Michigan, it’s always been home.
Frances: I think what you’re doing is lovely. You love Louise, that absolute Gremlin, enough to pick up and move across the country for her.
Jimmy: She did it for me.
Louise: That’s right, I did! Marriage is a game of give and take. I gave, time to take!
Lauren: What a beautiful way to describe holy matrimony.
Frances: Speaking of holy matrimony, I’m officiating Jane and Jaime’s wedding on Saturday right here in my backyard.
Louise: What? How’d this come up?
Frances: They wanted to do it while you guys are still here. They want you there, obviously.
Louise: We’re kinda busy -
Jimmy: Lou!
Louise: Are we not busy?
Jimmy: We have another two weeks to pack. We’ll be there, Frances.
Frances: Wouldn’t have expected anything different.
Lauren: I had something I wanted to bring up, actually. I know you guys are putting the house up on the market in a few days, and getting ready to sell. How about selling it to me?
Jimmy: You want to buy our house?
Louise: Honey, having your own house is a pretty big responsibility. You sure you don’t want to live in an apartment first?
Frances: She’s basically done that here. She’s been a great tenant in my guest house, she’s taken impeccable care of it. She pays me a rent, despite my insistence that she should not.
Lauren: I can’t take advantage of you. You gave me a literal house to live in!
Frances: It’s what family does.
Jimmy: No, it’s what you do. And we can never express how much we appreciate it.
Frances: There’s nothing more important than helping the ones you love. We’ve made so many great memories together because I opened my home up to you guys. I’ve been repaid tenfold.
Louise: Frances, you’re gonna make me cry.
Frances: It’s been one of those days.
The next day, Frances walks onto the set of Frances in the Kitchen for the last time.
Frances: One last time, girls.
Beverly: Frances, come here.
Marcia: God, we’re all blubbering fools already.
Beverly: Sometimes it’s good to be a blubbering fool. It means you care!
Marcia: That sounds like something Jane would say.
Beverly: Well, she’s late, so someone had to say it.
Frances: Jane’s late on the last day?
Marcia: Why change anything now?
Beverly: Frances, Dana stopped by and told me about your new idea. I love it, but I have a few things to add.
Frances: Oh no, did you blow it?
Marcia: Blow hat?
Beverly: Oh, you’re gonna be hosting a new show. Marcia in the Kitchen.
Marcia: Marcia in the Kitchen?
Frances: Marcia in the Kitchen.
Jane: What’s Marcia in the Kitchen?
Beverly: All right, we should all stop saying “Marcia in the Kitchen” now.
Marcia: Apparently, that’s the show we’ll be working on now. Yeah, Jane, you’ve still got a job.
Beverly: Not as anyone’s assistant, though. Jane, you’re the new Marcia. And Marcia’s the new Frances.
Jane: I don’t think we should be saying that in front of the old Frances.
Beverly: She’s aware.
Lola: Am I early?
Barb: My god, I still can’t believe she’s really ending it. I could cry.
Frances: We all could, Barb. I hope you’ll watch our new shows, though. I’ll be on Bake Your Heart Out, and Marcia will be hosting Marcia in the Kitchen with Jane.
Barb: Who the hell’s Jane?
Frances: You’ll get to know her.
Barb: It won’t be the same without you guys together.
Frances: Change is a natural thing, Barb. We’re evolving, it’s an important part of being human.
Barb: We’re still talking about baking shows, right?
Lola: We’re gonna give you guys some space.
Barb: Yeah, that’d be good. My feet are tired.
Lola: We’ll be back in time for the show.
Frances: Sounds good.
Marcia: How’d they get here before your family?
Frances: Have you ever met my family?
Marcia: Good point.
DeAnna: The star of the show has arrived!
Essie: She arrived a while ago. Stop being such an egomaniac.
DeAnna: I’m the star of any room I’m in, let’s get that clear.
Frances: Ladies, good to see you.
Louise: That car ride was awful, Frances. You better be grateful for this!
Lauren: Mom, you were just talking about how excited you were to be on TV last night.
Louise: Yeah, but Frances doesn’t know that.
Jimmy: She was there.
Louise: I still like yelling at her, okay? I have to get it in now, I’m leaving!
Frances: Good to see everyone’s here.
Beverly: You ready to say goodbye?
Frances: Ready as I’ll ever be.
Beverly: Frances and Marcia to the stage, please.
The next day…
Frances: Can I just have a moment to toast our lovely brides?
Louise: Does the officiant usually do a toast?
Jimmy: Lou…
Jaime: Go ahead, aunt Frances! You did all this for us, take all the time you need to talk.
Jane: I kinda want to dance, though. So don’t take too l-
Jaime: All the time you need.
Marcia: Don’t tell her that, we’ll be here until Tuesday.
Beverly: She’s not that long-winded. Monday.
Frances: First, I want to thank Jane and Jaime, our happy couple, for allowing me to host this wedding here at such short notice. I know it’s not as glamorous as it could've been, but I think it’s perfect in its own special way. And it’s perfect because - not to get too selfish here on someone else’s wedding day - it’s given me one last chance to gather together with all the people who I care about the most. Life is changing, and it’s going to look a lot different for me soon. I won’t be working with the best colleagues I’ve ever been blessed to have anymore. I won’t be right down the road from my dear brother and sister-in-law. I won’t have Lauren a few steps outside my backdoor. I’m no longer Frances in the Kitchen. This moment is fleeting, and it’s going to be completely gone soon. That’s the wonder of life. The good moments have to end, and that’s what makes them so precious. Every person sitting in this backyard right now has changed my life. I love you all so much, and I’m so glad we could celebrate together one last time. So, to the happy couple, I say cheers. And, to everyone here, I thank you for the best years of my life. That’s all from me.
What did you think of the series finale of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new spinoff series, The DeAnna Clifton Project, next spring!
