Fred: CEO
Kevin: CFO
Gregory: General Manager
Christina: Director of Marketing & Promotions
Ruthie: Project Manager
FRED, KEVIN, GREGORY, CHRISTINA, and RUTHIE are all in a boardroom at SugarCity’s headquarters. CHRISTINA has been tasked with coming up with ways to advertise the AGRUS bar.
CHRISTINA
Fred, when you first told me to report on ways we can advertise this, I thought it’d be easy. After all, I am the Director of Marketing & Promotions.
RUTHIE
Baby Ruthies are easy to market.
CHRISTINA
For the love of God will you stop going on about Baby Ruthies? Let’s focus on the AGRUS bar!
RUTHIE
Fine. But what you have for an advertising plan better be good.
CHRISTINA
It’ll be better than your wrapper, that’s for sure.
FRED
Hey! Settle down everyone.
GREGORY
I never said a word!
KEVIN
Me neither but you don’t see me complaining!
FRED
I think we’re all just a little stressed.
CHRISTINA
Yes. Exactly. I just got to thinking that no matter how we advertise this, half the country is gonna hate us.
GREGORY
Half the country? That seems like a bit of an overestimate.
CHRISTINA
No matter what Mr. AGRUS’s political beliefs are, half the country will hate him.
KEVIN
Who the hell is Mr. AGRUS?
CHRISTINA
Oh yeah, I should’ve led with that. Mr. AGRUS is the mascot for the AGRUS bar. He’s shaped just like an AGRUS bar.
KEVIN
Huh?
RUTHIE
That’s a terrible idea.
FRED
Let her explain, everyone.
RUTHIE
Why would anyone eat a candy that has a mascot where the mascot is the candy?
CHRISTINA
It’s worked for other types of candy.
KEVIN
Well if we’re going through with Mr. AGRUS, I’ll just say it: sex sells. He needs a Mrs. AGRUS.
GREGORY
Does sex sell, or is the new thing that not sex sells?
KEVIN
Mrs. AGRUS should be sexy.
CHRISTINA
There is no Mrs. AGRUS.
FRED
Why is there a Mr. AGRUS? Or why not just a Mrs. AGRUS?
CHRISTINA
I want Mr. ARGUS to be a character that women want to be with. Having him be married would be a disappointment to them.
RUTHIE
He’s a chocolate bar.
FRED
About that, if we do make Mr. AGRUS a chocolate bar, he’d be competing with a different character from a company much larger than ours, and we’d probably be on the losing side of a lawsuit. Christina, do you have any ideas that integrate more with the wrapper?
CHRISTINA
Well, we could make him a bright red blob.
FRED
LOVE IT! Let’s do that. I’ll call up an animation studio to shoot us an ad.
FRED leaves.
GREGORY
Uh…is the meeting over?
KEVIN
Looks it.
Everyone else leaves.