The entire family is at Martin and Patty Lynn’s for dinner.
Sarah: I just want you to know that I am so mad at all of you for making me be here. I was supposed to be at a Dua Lipa concert.
Milton: It’s so brave of you to make this sacrifice.
Marietta: Mom said we all needed to be here and that it’s a very special night, I couldn’t go against that. Dua Lipa will have other concerts
Patty Lynn: Thank you, Marietta! It’s so sweet that you care about how important this is to me.
Marietta: Well, that and I didn’t want to have to drive all the way to Houston.
Kathleen: That’s incredibly heartwarming.
Milton: I don’t mind coming for dinner, considering that. that’s something we do every Saturday, but I do wonder why you were so insistent on us all being here tonight.
Patty Lynn: It’s no grand mystery. Your aunt Kathleen and I are going on another road trip tomorrow and we’ll miss next week’s dinner. I wanted to make sure everyone was here for this one if we were going to miss the next one.
Sarah: I missed out on getting to hear Levitating sung live because you and aunt Kathleen are doing Thelma & Louise cosplay?
Patty Lynn: I don’t know what any of those words mean aside from “Thelma” and “Louise.”
Kathleen: I believe it means… never mind. I’ll try to explain it on the drive to South Dakota.
Marietta: South Dakota? You can drive to any state you choose and you pick South Dakota? Was North Dakota booked solid?
Tammy: Now, Marietta. South Dakota is a gorgeous state. I visited it back when Mitch was running for re-election.
Marietta: That was 1996. To my knowledge, you haven’t gone back since. There’s a reason for that!
Milton: You haven’t gone to Disney World since 1996, that doesn't mean there’s anything wrong with it.
Marietta: I’m banned from EPCOT and you know it!
Sarah: Wait, you’re what?
Marietta: Not important.
Martin: So, Eliza. Watch anything good lately?
Eliza: This argument is pretty entertaining.
Martin: That is true.
Elena: When I imagined my future in-laws, I never imagined they’d be such a consistent stream of entertainment. You are all such a blessing.
Milton: We’re happy to be of assistance!
Patty Lynn: Doesn’t anyone have any questions about our road trip?
Milton: Yeah. Why are you doing it in January? It’s freezing in South Dakota right now.
Tammy: You guys think anything under fifty is freezing.
Milton: I just checked the temperate and it’s sixteen degrees in Sioux Falls. It’s freezing.
Tammy: Oh, that is cold.
Kathleen: We’re gonna grin and bear it. Patty Lynn wants to visit Mount Rushmore without the crowds. I always wanted to see what the big deal was about black ice. It’ll be fun!
Marietta: Unlike Milton, I’m not judgmental. I hope you both have a ball doing whatever it is one does in South Dakota.
Sarah: Don’t they have some motorcycle thing there? Maybe grandma’s gonna become a biker.
Martin: Our insurance won’t cover that.
Patty Lynn: No one needs to worry about me becoming a biker.
Kathleen: I might. You never know. What do I have to lose?
Marietta: If you die, you wouldn’t be able to attend any more incredible Landfield family dinners. Who would want that?
Sarah: Me!
Milton: If that’s what you want, I can always send you back to boarding school.
Martin: Eliza, do you want a drink?
Eliza: Got any cabernet?
Martin: I wasn’t talking about alcohol, but I can break it out.
Marietta: She’s going to need it.
The next day…
Martin: Are you girls sure you’re ready to go? You forgot your GPS the last time you went on a road trip together.
Kathleen: We didn’t forget the GPS when we went to Ohio.
Martin: No, but you did when you went to that Garth Brooks concert in Alabama.
Kathleen: We made it there, though!
Patty Lynn: That’s because we’ve got friends in low places.
Kathleen: That doesn’t even make sense.
Patty Lynn: It makes perfect sense. That’s a Garth Brooks song.
Martin: Anyway, if you’r both sure you have everything, you’d better get on your way.
Patty Lynn: Are you rushing us now?
Martin: It’s getting later, I just thought you’d want to be on the road by now.
Patty Lynn: Martin, it is six in the morning. Marietta probably just went to bed.
Kathleen: He just wants the house to himself. Who can blame him? Let’s get out of here.
Martin: That is not why!
Kathleen: I’m just messing with you. Of course you wouldn’t want to be without us. Don’t worry, we’ll be back in a mere week!
Martin: Did you pack your winter coats?
Patty Lynn: You mean my windbreaker? Yes.
Martin: I mean your heavy coat to protect you from the freezing temperatures.
Patty Lynn: You’re not my mother, Martin. You don’t have to worry so much about me. I’ll be fine.
Martin: Okay, I understand. Call me when you get to the first hotel.
Kathleen: Aww, he’s really worried about us. That’s gonna make it so much harder to us to disappear and go on the lam.
Patty Lynn: Stop trying to mess with him! Honey, we’ll call as soon as we stop and we’ll keep safe. I love you.
Martin: I love you, too, sweetheart.
Two hours later…
Kathleen: Can you play something else? Anything else?
Patty Lynn: Do you have some sort of an issue with Linda Ronstadt?
Kathleen: No, I love Blue Bayou. It’s just, having to hear the same CD for two hours straight, it’s no good, it’s not good, it’s no good, Patty it’s no good.
Patty Lynn: Point taken. I can’t reach back for the CDs now, though. I’m driving.
Kathleen: I gotta pee anyway. Find a nice MacDonald’s to stop at.
Patty Lynn: Already?
Kathleen: Patty Lynn, I am eighty years old. I’m not saying it just for fun.
Patty Lynn: You sure you can’t wait until we make it to Texas?
Kathleen: Do you want the Linda CD to get thrown out the window onto the streets of rural Louisiana?
Patty Lynn: No…
Kathleen: Then let’s find a bathroom. A new CD, too. There’s a gas station right there, pull in.
Patty Lynn: That’s a BP, I’m not going there. I’m still mad at them over the oil spill.
Kathleen: I’m only going to use their bathroom.
Patty Lynn: If we’re stopping anyway, I’m going to get something from there. If we stop at a restaurant, we’re eating. If we stop at a gas station, we’re getting gas. We have no time to waste, we need to get to our overnight motel in Kansas.
Kathleen: How about the Popeye’s across the street?
Patty Lynn: They don’t look open.
Kathleen: Like that matters!
Patty Lynn: You are acting ridicu-
Kathleen: Ah, look! There’s a McDonald’s ten minutes down the road and they’re OPEN! Freedom!
Patty Lynn: That works for me. I’m hungry anyway.
Kathleen: They don’t have gas there, though. Is that still good for you?
Patty Lynn: Now you’re just trying to be difficult.
Four hours later…
Patty Lynn (singing): Somewhere out on that horizon, out beyond the neon lights
Kathleen: Are you kidding me?
Patty Lynn: Sing along!
Kathleen: I’d rather die.
Patty Lynn (singing): I know there must be somethin’ better, but there’s nowhere else in sight!
Kathleen: I prefer this song when it’s sung by Don Henley, and not a screaming banshee.
Patty Lynn: In the City is sung by Joe Walsh, not Don Henley. How do you not know that?
Kathleen: Because no one ever took me to Eagles concerts even though I asked to go!
Patty Lynn: Not this again…
Kathleen: Anyway, we need gas.
Patty Lynn: No we d- never mind. I guess I was really counting on you having to pee again. That’s how I know when it’s time for gas.
Kathleen: Now that you mention it, I could go for a bathroom break.
Patty Lynn: We made it to Texas this time, I’m proud of you.
Kathleen: Now can we find a gas station?
Patty Lynn: I’ll be on the lookout for one.
Kathleen: Thank you. Also, I want to take over driving after this next stop. I think you deserve a rest.
Patty Lynn: What if I don’t want a rest?
Kathleen: You’ve been driving for six hours with only a single ten-minute break. I’m honestly surprised you haven’t crashed the car already.
Patty Lynn: You really think I’m going to crash the car?
Kathleen: I think it wouldn’t surprise me.
Patty Lynn: You really think that little of me?
Kathleen: Eh…
Patty Lynn’s phone rings and she answers.
Kathleen: Yes, yes I do.
Patty Lynn: You do what?
Kathleen: It doesn't matter.
Marietta: Mom, are you there?
Patty Lynn: Yes, dear! We’re just driving and having fun!
Kathleen: Driving, having fun, and being distracted behind the wheel. The American dream!
Marietta: How far are you guys?
Patty Lynn: We’re somewhere in Texas. Your aunt is insisting on taking the wheel at ur next stop.
Marietta: I’m assuming your next stop will be, what, your tenth?
Kathleen: Only our second! Your mom wouldn’t let me drink coffee, so I don’t have to pee as bad as usual.
Patty Lynn: I am a genius.
Marietta: Well, I don’t mean to interrupt your trip, especially if mom is driving while holding the phone. I’ll let you got and I’ll talk to you soon. I should get back to Amy and Tammy anyway. We’re watching some dumb movie.
Tammy: Terms of Endearment is not dumb!
Amy: Hello Patty Lynn! Have a safe drive!
Patty Lynn: Tell them both I said “hello.” And I’ll talk to you later, honey. I love you.
Five hours later…
Patty Lynn: Kathleen, it’s getting dark. Where are we now?
Kathleen: Dua Lipa.
Patty Lynn: What?
Kathleen: I thought you asked what CD was playing now.
Patty Lynn: Why would I ask that?
Kathleen: Because you’re not as hip as I am and you might not know who Dua Lipa is.
Patty Lynn: Where are we, though?
Kathleen: Somewhere in Oklahoma. I keep seeing signs for Oklahoma City, so I guess it’s near there.
Patty Lynn: What a lazy name for a city. We already know it’s a city in Oklahoma, now give it a creative name.
Kathleen: Uh huh.
Patty Lynn: I have a feeling you aren’t paying attention.
Kathleen: Sorry Patty Lynn, I’d love to listen to your rambling nonsense, but it appears to be snowing.
Patty Lynn: It snows in Oklahoma?
Kathleen: Of course it does. What do you think it is, the deserts of Africa?
Patty Lynn: I didn’t realize it got cold enough here, that’s all. I’m not some idiot.
Kathleen: Milton warned us about this. He said it would get cold.
Patty Lynn: Milton warned us about South Dakota, he never mentioned that it happened in Oklahoma, too.
Kathleen: In his defense, it shouldn’t be shocking to you that sometimes it snows in Oklahoma.
Patty Lynn: That’s my favorite Prince song.
One hour later…
Kathleen: Patty Lynn, we haven’t moved at all in an hour because no one here seems to know how to drive when it’s flurrying. Your karaoke is not helping.
Patty Lynn (singing): Like a damn sociopath!
Kathleen: Your taste in music confounds me.
Patty Lynn: I can break out the ABBA CD if you want.
Kathleen: Lord Jesus, no.
Patty Lynn: Then you’ll sit through Good 4 U.
Kathleen: Hand me my purse, please.
Patty Lynn: Here ya go.
Kathleen digs through her purse and pulls out a small plastic case.
Patty Lynn: What is that?
Kathleen: Earplugs.
Patty Lynn: That’s very rude.
Thirty minutes later…
Kathleen: Patty Lynn, do you know the phone number for the hotel we’re staying at?
Patty Lynn: Why?
Kathleen: Because I wanted to use it for the lotto numbers. No, because we might have to call them!
Patty Lynn: You don’t have to be mean.
Kathleen: Do you know the number?
Patty Lynn: It’s in my email. Let me pull it up.
Kathleen: You call, okay? We’re actually moving at a somewhat tolerable pace now and I need to keep both hands on the wheel. Unlike you…
Patty Lynn: I’m choosing to ignore the mean things you say, so I’ll just respond with a cheerful “Will do!” What do you want me to tell them, though?
Kathleen: Tell them we still have two and a half hours to get there and I want to make sure there’s still someone thee to give us our room key at nine o’clock.
Patty Lynn: We’re getting there at nine o’clock?
Kathleen: If we’re lucky.
Patty Lynn: How’d that happen?
Kathleen: Perhaps take a look out the window.
Patty Lynn: I think you need some lifting up. I’m gonna put my Sarah McLachlan CD in.
Kathleen: It will be the last time you or the CD are ever seen in one piece ever again.
Patty Lynn: Is Celine Dion better?
Kathleen: Sure, sometimes it’s fun to feel like a middle-aged mom on vacation in Vegas.
Patty Lynn: I would so rather be in Vegas right now.
Kathleen: With our luck, it’d be snowing if we were there, too.
Patty Lynn: I’m gonna call the hotel now, okay? I found the number.
Kathleen: Good luck! I believe in you.
Patty Lynn dials the number and calls the motel.
Steve (desk manager): Thank you for calling the SuperSleep Motel, I’m Steve. How can I help you?
Patty Lynn: Hi! I have a room reservation and I just wanted to let you know that I’ll be checking in late. I don’t know how late you have someone in the lobby, but I just wanted to make sure there will be a way for me to get ahold of my room key. when I arrive.
Steve: Our office closes at ten, but if you’re arriving after that, we can make special accommodations. What’s the name on your reservation?
Patty Lynn: Landfield. Patty Lynn Landfield.
Steve: Okay, Ms. Landfield. If you don’t arrive by the time the lobby closes, we will leave the key for you under the mat outside the door.
Patty Lynn: Thank you so much, you’ve been such a help!
Steve: Thank you for staying with us! See you soon!
Patty Lynn hangs up.
Kathleen: Soooo… what’d they say?
Patty Lynn: They said we’re going to have to find a new hotel to stay at.
Kathleen: Really?
Patty Lynn: Ha! I got you!
Kathleen: Did ya?
Patty Lynn: I did! They said they can leave the key outside for us if the lobby closes before we get there.
Kathleen: Never do that to me again.
Patty Lynn: I’m just giving you a taste of your own medicine!
Kathleen: Never. Again.
Three hours later…
Patty Lynn: Oh my god. We’re finally here!
Kathleen: Never in my life did I imagine that arriving at a cheap roadside motel in the middle of nowhere in Kansas could feel even greater than heaven, but here we are.
Patty Lynn: It sure is great. Now, let’s get to bed. We have so much driving ahead of us tomorrow.
Kathleen: I don’t want to talk about it.
The next morning…
Kathleen: I pick the music today.
Patty Lynn: Within reason.
Kathleen: What do you think I’m gonna put on? Norwegian death metal?
Patty Lynn: I don’t even know what you listen to.
Kathleen: The classics. Frankie Valli, The Supremes, Lesley Gore.
Patty Lynn: Oh, so you’re stuck in 1965.
Kathleen: How d-
Patty Lynn receives a phone call.
Patty Lynn: Gotta answer it!
Kathleen: This isn’t over.
Patty Lynn answers the call.
Patty Lynn: Hello, honey!
Martin: You’re alive!
Patty Lynn: Why wouldn’t I be?
Martin: You didn’t call last night!
Patty Lynn: Oh, my goodness. I am so sorry! I completely forgot.
Martin: I stayed up until midnight waiting for the call! I was terrified!
Patty Lynn: We ran into a minor snowstorm in Oklahoma and that really ruined the trip. It was going great before that.
Martin: I’m glad that you’re both safe. You are both safe, right? You didn’t kill Kathleen.
Kathleen: She’s not getting rid of me that easily. I bite!
Martin: I know you do.
Patty Lynn: We’re in Kansas now. We just got back on the road.
Martin: I’ll let you go, then. I don’t want you to be distracted while you’re driving.
Patty Lynn: Oh, Kathleen is driving.
Martin: And you’re letting her?
Kathleen: Damn right!
Patty Lynn: I’ll talk to you later tonight, honey. I won’t forget to call this time, I promise!
Martin: Talk to you then. I love you so much, safe travels ahead!
The next day…
Patty Lynn: Well, we finally made it, Kathleen.
Kathleen: And it is… four heads served into a rock.
Patty Lynn: You have to admit, they’re cool heads carved into a rock.
Kathleen: They are. It’s not as exciting as getting to see black ice, though!
Patty Lynn: Isn’t the point of black ice that you can’t see it?
Kathleen: I guess. I guess I should say, I got to feel black ice. It was like being at a ride on Universal Studios! But, I feared for my life.
Patty Lynn: Speaking of people fearing for their lives… are you ready to go to the Corn Palace?
Kathleen: The what?
Patty Lynn: South Dakota’s second-greases tourist attraction!
Kathleen: It’s worse than this?
Patty Lynn: Admit it, you love it!
Kathleen: It’s nice! I’m not disputing that. I just love giving you a hard time.
Patty Lynn: I’m aware.
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments, listen to the official playlist, vote in the poll below and make sure to read the new episode next week!
