Teri is sitting in the dining room in the middle of the night when Karl walks in.
Teri: Dad? What are you doing up?
Karl: I could ask you the same question, you know.
Teri: And I’d give you an answer. I’m eating cheesecake in the middle of the night like a Golden Girl.
Karl: But why?
Teri: Because I have off tomorrow and I couldn't sleep.
Karl: So you decided to eat cheesecake? Where did you get cheesecake?
Teri: In hindsight, I think mom did get it for the part.
Karl: Party? What party?
Teri: Oh… dad. You did not forget your fiftieth anniversary like every husband in every sitcom ever!
Karl: No, I did not! I just didn’t realize that we were going to be having a party.
Teri: You’re getting forgetful, dad!
Karl: It’s also two in the morning, excuse me if my mind isn’t completely sharp at this hour.
Teri: Yeah, you never answered me. Why are you up right now?
Karl: Your mother’s a restless sleeper. She kicked me and woke me up, I had to pee, then I couldn’t fall back asleep. I came in here for some warm milk.
Teri: I’m honestly just glad you’re not in here because you thought you were having a heart attack. At your age, you never know.
Karl: You thought I’d be having a conversation with you about warm milk if I were having a heart attack?
Teri: People do weird things when they’re scared!
Karl: I think I’m going to need a sleeping pill at this rate. Maybe you should take one, too. Not that sleeping with a five pouts block of cheesecake is wise.
Teri: You know what? I just thought of why you didn’t remember the party. It was a surprise.
Karl: “Was” is the key word there. Good night.
The next morning…
Cindy: Has anyone seen Teri? She’s usually awake by now.
Danielle: Doesn’t she have the day off of work?
Mitchell: Yeah, who would want to get up early on their day off?
Velma: I do.
Mitchell: But you’re weird.
Velma: And you don’t even get up early when you do work.
Ralph: What do you want to bother Teri about, anyway?
Cindy: I’m just a concerned sister trying to make sure her sister isn’t late to work. That’s all.
Ralph: A concerned, nosy sister.
Frank: Well, I’m off. Got a long drive ahead of me.
Betty: We know, Frank. You tell us every day. Year really don’t need to.
Frank: It’s always nice to be showered in love before you head off for a good day’s work.
Cindy: I think you and I also need to be going soon, Steven.
Velma: Uh… Cindy?
Cindy: What?
Velma: He’s not, um -
Mitchell: Steven’s sleeping with his face in his pancakes.
Tammi: Oh, darn! I told him not to stay up all night reading!
Mitchell: Reading? Rest assured, no teenage boy has ever stayed up all night reading.
Tammi: What are you implying?
Mitchell: Maybe unplug the computer before bed tonight.
Velma: You know, not everyone started watching po-
Mitchell: Video games! I was talking about video games!
Tammi: Don’t feel bad, Velma. I thought he meant the same thing. I was about to hit him and then beg the lord for my forgiveness.
Teri: I have arrived.
Betty: Honey, you look awful!
Teri: Thanks, mom. I’m exhausted.
Cindy: You think you’re exhausted? Steven was apparently up all night reading and is now using his pancakes as a pillow.
Steven: Five more minutes.
Tammi: You need to get up now, it’s going to take at least five minutes to get that syrup off his face.
Ralph: I just noticed that dad isn’t up. Isn’t he working at the store today?
Jerry: He better be. Betty’s already taking off and I certainly can’t be alone with Mitchell for eight whole hours.
Mitchell: Afraid you’d have too much fun?
Velma: I’ll answer for him: no.
Karl: Oh god, it’s so late. I can’t believe I’m just getting up!
Betty: Are you okay, honey? Were you up too late stressing about what you’re going to get me for our anniversary? You don’t have to stress about that!
Karl: No, dear. I was woken up by your non-stop kicking in bed. You must have been having a nightmare.
Betty: Oh, I was. I was in a cemetery visiting my mother. It was me, Sammy Davis Jr, my grandfather, and Zeke. Now, here’s where it gets weird -
Karl: It isn’t already?
Ralph: Sammy Davis Jr?
Betty: I watched Ocean’s 11 yesterday.
Cindy: I feel like I’ve lost so many brain cells listening to this.
Ralph: You didn’t have too many to begin with, either.
Teri: I’m going back to bed.
Three hours later…
Teri: Wow, this house is quiet.
Betty: Shh, be quiet! Don’t want to wake Sleeping Beauty.
Teri: Very funny, mother.
Betty: I just can’t believe someone could sleep so late on a Tuesday.
Teri It’s quarter of ten.
Betty: I know! The morning’s almost slipped away! That’s when I do all my best thinking.
Ralph: Best thinking? If these party ideas are the best you’ve got…
Betty: They’re good!
Ralph: Are they? You suggested a space theme.
Betty: We went to the Kennedy Space Center once. Your father enjoyed it very much.
Ralph: I went to Universal Studios once. That doesn’t mean I want the dinosaurs from Jurassic Park at my birthday party.
Betty: Well, what’s so bad about the white and gold theme that I suggested?
Ralph: We are not painting white and gold stripes on the walls of the Lakey Rec Center!
Teri: Why did I get up?
Betty: Because if you slept any longer, you’d be declared legally dead.
Velma: You guys are really yelling out there. It’s giving me a headache.
Betty: You’re one to talk!
Teri: Mom, you don’t have to worry so much about the party. I think dad forgot it’s even your anniversary. He said as much last night.
Betty: When did he say this? I didn’t hear him say it!
Ralph: Well, if you and your bionic ears didn’t hear it, it mustn’t have been said at all!
Teri: He got up in the middle of the night and we had a chat. I was eating ch- never mind what I was eating. He seemed to have forgotten about the anniversary. It was so embarrassing for him. He claimed it was because he was tired, but that was a mighty convenient excuse, don’t you think?
Betty: You were having a chat in the middle of the night? No wonder you were both so tired today.
Teri: Wow, you’re really concerned about my sleeping patterns.
Betty: I’m just teasing you. Now, about your father. You really think he forgot about the anniversary?
Ralph: Since when has Teri ever been a reliable narrator?
Teri: Why would I lie, Ralph? When do I ever?
Ralph: I don’t know!
Betty: Now that you mention it, your father didn’t have much of a reaction this morning when I mentioned the anniversary.
Ralph: He was tired, I don’t think you can glean much from that.
Betty: I know my husband. He definitely doesn’t remember.
Ralph: What does it really matter?
Betty: I’m putting all of this effort and thought, not to mention money, into a party to celebrate an anniversary that my husband doesn’t even remember is happening. It’s very discouraging.
Teri: He’s just old, old people forget things.
Betty: Not me!
Tammi: Grandma, get real!
Betty: Where did you come from?
Tammi: I work upstairs. Did you forget that, too?
Teri: Ouch!
Betty: I did not forget, I just thought you were busier than you seem to be.
Teri: Ouch again!
Ralph: Teri… go get the paper.
Teri: The paper?
Ralph: It’s the black and white roll at the end of the driveway.
Teri: Oh, you are so frustrating!
Betty: I think I’m scaling the party down. It clearly isn’t as important to your grandfather as it is to me, I’m not wasting so much renting out the rec center. I can do it here.
Teri: You’re that mad?
Ralph: Nice going, Teri. Now we’re not getting a fun party.
Teri: Wait until I tell you I ate the cheesecake!
Meanwhile, at Betty’s Boutique…
Mitchell: Slow day today.
Jerry: It’s slow every day at this time. Why do we open so early? Who is buying blouses and bustiers at eight in the morning?
Mitchell: Maybe we should talk to Betty about this. We can open later and stay open later. We’ll make more money.
Karl: What are you two complaining about?
Jerry: Nothing important. What are you up to?
Karl: Can you two hold down the fort? I need to step out for about an hour.
Mitchell: I’m curious where you’re going. Maybe we can come with. Not like anyone’s going to stop by here anyway.
Jerry: More people stop by Chick-Fil-A on a Sunday than this place before two.
Karl: I’m picking a gift up for Betty. I got her a new diamond necklace. Broke the bank, but it’s a big anniversary. I’ve been withdrawing money from the bank for it little by little for the past few months. She checks the bank statements, so it had to be done gradually.
Jerry: For some reason, I feel as if Betty wouldn’t notice. Math’s not her thing.
Mitchell: There’s a reason why we don’t let her run the register.
Jerry: We were almost reported to the Better Business Bureau because she tried to give a woman two dollars back instead of twenty.
Mitchell: That was bad.
Karl: So, can you watch the store?
Jerry: I think we can handle the rush.
Mitchell: I love Rush. Tom Sawyer is such a good song.
Karl: Thank you both. I appreciate it. I can’t stay out too late or Betty would get susp-
Jerry: Huh, a customer!
Mitchell: That’s not a customer, that’s Ronnie!
Jerry: Ronnie?
Mitchell: Our mailman!
Jerry: I didn’t know he had a name.
Karl: Okay, I’m going before I get any further wrapped up in this.
The next day…
Jerry: Oh, it is so nice to get a day off. I’ve been working for ten days straight. Not counting Sunday, of course.
Teri: Are you gonna keep talking? I’m trying to watch Wheel.
Jerry: Since when do they air Wheel of Fortune at noon?
Teri: They don’t, I’m watching last night’s. I can’t focus on it over everyone else’s nonsense at dinner time.
Jerry: Can you pause it for a second? I have a question to ask.
Teri: Ugh, fine.
Jerry: Did you get your parents anything for their anniversary?
Teri: What’s it to you?
Jerry: I’m just wondering if I’m supposed to get anything.
Teri: Let Cindy handle it. I’ve seen you pick gifts out. Yikes!
Jerry: What is that supposed to mean?
Teri: It means it should be a federal crime for men to pick out gifts.
Jerry: You should see the necklace your dad bought for your mom for their anniversary. I didn’t know they made diamonds that big.
Teri: Dad bought mom an anniversary gift?
Jerry: Of course he did. He’s not an idiot who would forget an anniversary! He’s not Mitchell!
Velma: Hey! He remembers every three years or so!
Jerry: How are you always listening?
Velma: I’m just that good.
Teri: Oh no!
Jerry: What now?
Teri: I just realized that I did something bad.
Jerry: Just one thing?
Velma: Oh, wait until you hear this one.
Teri: I told mom that dad forgot the anniversary and it made her cancel the “surprise” party she was planning at the rec center. She was going to just throw it here but she was so disgusted that she didn’t even bother planning anything for here, either.
Jerry: Yeah, that’s pretty bad.
Teri: Don’t you think I know that? Now, let me get back to Wheel while I figure out what the hell to do.
Five hours later…
Teri: Uh, Cindy, Ralph, can I talk to you two in another room real quick?
Cindy: I’m so scared. This is only ever bad news.
Teri: Yeah, it ain’t great this time, either.
Betty: Just get back here quick, okay? Dinner’s almost ready.
Tammi: Is It?
Teri, Cindy and Ralph walk to the hallway.
Teri: Okay, so remember how I mentioned that mom was upset that dad forgot their anniversary?
Cindy: Yes.
Ralph: How could I forget? It was so annoying the first time.
Teri: Well… he did not forget.
Ralph: I knew it!
Teri: Dad bought mom a huge diamond necklace for their anniversary. Jerry told me about it. Mom just canceled the party last night and now I feel terrible about it.
Ralph: Well, you should.
Cindy: I have connections, you know. Let me see if I can connect us with someone who might be able to get us that rec center reservation back.
Teri: But what am I going to tell mom?
Ralph: That you’re an idiot.
Cindy: What he said.
Ten minutes later…
Cindy: Good news!
Teri: You got the rec center reservation?
Cindy: Um… no. That was scooped up immediately because it has a “waiting list” and is “prestigious.” So, nice going there, Ter.
Teri: Well, what’s the good news?
Cindy: I talked to the superintendent of the school district and she agreed to let us have a party in the school auditorium.
Teri: That’s great!
Ralph: How’d you pull that one off?
Cindy: I told you, I have connections!
Three days later…
Betty: Teri! Wake up!
Teri: I’m sure this is something I needed to be waken up for at seven AM on a Saturday morning.
Betty: The most horrible thing just happened to me.
Teri: Were you back in the cemetery with Sammy Davis Jr?
Betty: Huh?
Teri: That dream you ha- never mind.
Betty: Your father just gave me the biggest diamond necklace I have ever seen. It was so damn romantic and I feel like an idiot. Because of you!
Teri: In my defense, you never should have listened to me.
Betty: What am I going to do? It’s our anniversary and all I bought him was a card, some soap from Bath & Body Works and a gift card to Olive Garden. Olive Garden, Teri! Olive Garden!
Teri: They have great breadsticks.
Betty: I canceled the party because of your intel! I canceled that order of a replacement cheesecake!
Teri: Don’t worry, we’re handling it.
Betty: What?
Teri: Just, calm down and go enjoy your new necklace. It’ll all be okay.
Betty: Usually I wouldn't trust you, but I haven’t laid eyes on my new necklace in five minutes and I’m really starting to miss her. So, I’m going back to my bedroom. You better have a great explanation for all this when you roll out of bed at eleven!
Teri: Eleven?
Betty: You know I’m right.
Seven hours later…
Karl: Cindy, honey. I love you, but why are we at your school? I thought we were going to the Salted Lobster.
Cindy: Trust me, this is much better than that.
Steven: I can’t believe you would take me here. Grandma, I trusted you. You betrayed me!
Cindy: Calm down, Olivia Rodrigo. Let’s go inside.
Frank: It just feels like any other Saturday to teenage Frank. I was alwa-
Betty: No one cares.
Tammi: Aww, honey. I care a little.
Inside the school…
Betty: Cindy, are you executing us? You don’t have to do it this way! Just poison us and let us go in our sleep!
Cindy: You are a lunatic.
Betty: Thank you.
Cindy: We’re here!
Danielle: And not a minute too soon. I need to take these god-forsaken heels off right now.
Teri: Why did you wear heels? You hate heels!
Danielle: I had to look fancy for today!
Betty: Who dresses dance to go to the Salted Lobster? The name alone suggests a seediness rivaled only by the state of New Jersey.
Cindy: Can you all just follow me through the door here?
Karl: if that would help explain why we’re here, sure.
Cindy opens the door to the auditorium.
Betty: Oh, my god! What did you do?
Cindy: It was a team effort.
Tammi: Even Frank helped!
Danielle: Did you really not notice that we were all not home for much of the past three days?
Betty: I’ll be honest, I don’t really pay attention to you guys.
Karl: Honey, look at all the pictures of us on the wall from across the years.
Betty: I was so beautiful. You didn’t look half bad yourself, either.
Karl: How did this come together?
Teri: Well, it was mom’s idea -
Ralph: Then Teri screwed it up.
Teri: Then Cindy heroically got it back on track.
Betty: It was supposed to be at the recreation center, but this’ll do!
Karl: How did you get to do it at school? This seems like it’d be against the rules.
Teri: She has connections.
Mitchell: Can I pop the champagne now?
Teri: Yes, go ahead.
Betty: Happy fifty years, darling.
Karl: Here’s to fifty more!
Betty: Oh, god no. I better be dead when I’m one hundred and ten.
Tammi: A hundred ten?
Betty: Fine. A hundred and eleven.
What did you think of this episode Our House? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below and make sure to return for a new episode next week!
