Cindy walks into the house.
Betty: Honey! You’re home!
Tammi: And just in time for dinner!
Cindy: Were you all waiting for me? You’re all staring at the door. Like lunatics.
Ralph: Someone opened our front door. You think we’re not gonna look to see who it is?
Teri: Yeah, Cindy. Don’t be silly. We’re very important people, what if someone was coming to assassinate us?
Cindy: You’re right, how dumb of me.
Karl: So, dear, how did you appointment go.
Cindy: Not so well…
Betty: Oh, no. Is it cancer? Early-onset Alzheimer’s? Psoriasis?
Danielle: I don’t think those are on an equal level.
Betty: Psoriasis is not fun! My mother had it!
Cindy: I’m fine. Clean bill of health, just like I told you.
Jerry: If I had to go for a physical, you do, too.
Velma: What’s wrong, then? Were you late because of the traffic? It’s brutal out there today.
Cindy: No, that isn’t it either, Olivia Rodrigo.
Teri: Back up. How would you know about traffic, Velma? You don’t leave the house.
Mitchell: She’s nosy, she checks the traffic reports online.
Velma: It’s true.
Cindy: Can you guys shut up and stop making small talk? I have something to share.
Teri: Well la di frickin’ da.
Cindy: Okay, I had my appointment with Dr. Gerber, and he told me some sad news. He’s retiring from the practice at the end of February.
Betty: What?!?
Cindy: I know, mom.
Betty: I have been going to see him since I was twenty years old!
Steven: That doesn’t seem possible. He’d have to be… like ninety.
Betty: Excuse me?
Tammi: Steven, go to your room.
Steven: But it’s dinner time.
Tammi: It’s either you stay so you can eat and get murdered by your great-grandmother, or you go to your room.
Steven: Well, I’ll see you guys later.
Teri: I can’t believe he’s retiring. Did he say why?
Cindy: A few reasons. One, he’s seventy-five. Two, the hospital is buying the practice out. The other doctors are staying on, but he didn’t feel like having to report to the doctor when he's well past retirement age already.
Betty: How could he abandon us?
Ralph: Mom, she just told you.
Jerry: He’s not abandoning you, by the way. It’s not like he’s leaving because of you. I wouldn’t blame him, though.
Betty: What am I going to do? I’m gonna miss him!
Danielle: I have a do-
Betty: I feel so hopeless. I don’t even want to eat my chicken pot pie anymore.
Frank: Well, you can pass it over.
Betty: Suddenly, I’ve regained my appetite.
Teri: I should make an appointment to see him one last time.
Ralph: Just for fun?
Teri: You wouldn’t appreciate the bond between a patient and their doctor. You switch doctors every time you go. You're a medical slut.
Ralph: I’m a what?
Teri: I don’t know, I just made it up.
Betty: I should go in, too.
Karl: Honey, is that a good idea? You'll be an emotional wreck.
Jerry: She isn’t now?
Mitchell: She’s crying into her Cherry Coke. Because her doctor is retiring.
Velma: Think of it this way, Betty. He’ll get to go to Arizona now. All the old people love going to Arizona!
Betty: You’re all missing the point. I’m going to get sick and I’ll have no one visit to talk to about it. This is a nightmare!
Jerry: You could always get another doctor.
Betty: What?
Velma: Believe it or not, Dr. Gerber is not the only doctor on earth.
Cindy: I’m already looking into other doctors at the practice. Dr. Castle seems nice.
Betty: I’ll be betraying the sacred bond that I shared with Dr. Gerber.
Jerry: Are you joking?
Ralph: If only she were.
Teri: You’re all going to make fun of me, but I’m really sad, too. Dr. Gerber is the only family doctor I’ve had in my adult life. Well, aside from that one time I caught strep throat while we were on vacation on Sanibel Island. But can you really call a person a “doctor” if they live in Florida?
Cindy: It’s not weird at all to be sad that he’s retiring. I’m sad myself. However, we’ll get through this. There are plenty of qualified doctors in the area who we can go to. There’s no need to worry about that.
Teri: I know, it’s just hard. It takes me a long time to get comfortable with a doctor. I still consider that cardiologist that I saw one time to be one of my greatest enemies in life.
Ralph: Can I give you some advice, Teri?
Teri: Gladly. Go ahead.
Ralph: Whoever Cindy ends up picking to be her doctor, don’t go with them.
Cindy: What? And why not?
Ralph: Cindy, I love ya, but you think vaccines are made by the devil. I’m not trusting you with medical advice!
Cindy: I never said that! I just said I don’t get them because they make me feel sick when I get them.
Ralph: Either way, I will look elsewhere for advice on my health.
Teri: Well, who’s your doctor, then?
Ralph: I don’t know, I have so many. I lost track of their names.
Cindy: The picture of health over here.
Tammi: This conversation is exhausting, I’m going to clean up the table.
Velma: We aren’t done eating yet.
Tammi: Then I’m going to watch Jeopardy.
Velma: Jeopardy isn’t on yet.
Tammi: Oh my god, I can’t escape the madness.
Karl: We can just table this discussion for now, table about something more fun.
Cindy: Yes, I’ve had my fill of doctors for the day.
Frank: And trust me, we’ve had our fill of hearing about them.
Tammi: Honey, no.
The next day…
Teri: Mom, did you ever end up calling for an apportionment with Dr. Gerber?
Betty: No, why?
Teri: Well, I just called and he’s getting booked solid. I didn’t get in until February 10th.
Betty: That’s three weeks from now. He never gets that busy.
Teri: Well, you see, he’s retiring…
Betty: Ugh! Dont’ remind me!
Teri: You’ll have to face it. You should probably get in one last time, just to say your peace.
Betty: I suggested that last night and your father reprimanded me.
Teri: You can go in and get a physical. That way you’re good for the rest of 2022.
Ralph: I don’t think that’s how doctor visits work.
Teri: Don’t you, Frank? Good to know.
Ralph: I’m not Fr-
Teri: Then why are you sounding like him?
Ralph: That is the meanest thing you have ever said to me.
Velma: She’s in a mood today.
Teri: I think you can understand why. Dr. Gerber was like my fun uncle who I went to to feel better when I was sick I started seeing him when I was eighteen!
Betty: Just like me!
Teri: You tried that joke yesterday and it went just as well that time.
Betty: Joke?
Teri: Oh, mom…
Velma: As much as I’ve enjoyed this conversation, I’m going to get back to work.
Teri: You don’t have to announce it. You weren’t ever invited to be in it to begin with.
Velma: What a nasty woman.
Betty: What were we talking about?
Ralph: Oh no, she’s forgetting things again. I think she really does need to go to the doctor.
Betty: Oh, that’s right. We were talking about Dr. Gerber. I’m going to call to get myself in. Of course, I am still upset with him for leaving me, and I am the picture of health, but I’ll go anyway to pay my respects.
Ralph: The picture of health?
Betty: Are you implying that I’m not healthy?
Ralph: You ate an entire box of Blue Bunny popsicles in two days. You’re like fifty percent sugar.
Betty: Don’t fat shame me, Ralph!
Ralph: I didn’t say you’re fat. I said your blood is syrup. There’s a difference.
Teri: Anyway, I’m glad you’re calling to get in. I think it’ll make you feel better. Just talking to him like I did today could help.
Ralph: It didn’t seem to for you.
Teri: Oh, it made it much worse. Seeing him will make it even worse. But in the long run, I know I’ll appreciate that I’ll have gotten to see him one last time. I think you will, too.
Betty: It’s going to be hard to fit this into my busy schedule with the boutique, but I’ll have to.
Teri: Speaking of busy schedules, why are you here today? Aren’t you supposed to be working at the boutique now?
Betty: Personal day.
Teri: Ah, got it.
Three weeks later…
Betty: I swear, I’m not feeling too well, doc. Inspect me again.
Dr. Gerber: Betty, you’re fine.
Betty: What do you mean, “fine?”
Dr. Gerber: You are not sick.
Betty: I feel tired.
Dr. Gerber: Go to sleep earlier tonight. That should take care of that.
Betty: What if it’s cancer?
Dr. Gerber: You don’t have cancer. I can order blood work if you want, though.
Betty: Can you do that here?
Dr. Gerber: Have I ever drawn blood from you before at the office?
Betty: I didn’t know if you were branching out.
Dr. Gerber: Betty, I have known you for almost forty years.
Betty: I’m gonna miss you!
Dr. Gerber: Oh, Betty. I’m going to miss you, too. I hope you know that.
Betty: Why do you have to leave?
Dr. Gerber: I’m old.
Betty: I’m old! I just opened my own store!
Dr. Gerber: And that’s great. I’ll have to stop in sometimes.
Betty: It’s mostly women’s clothing, but sure. I can find you something real purty to wear.
Dr. Gerber: Ah, we have fun.
Betty: Can I admit something to you?
Dr. Gerber: This is a safe space.
Betty: I’m not actually sick. I feel fine. Other than heartache.
Dr. Gerber: No kidding.
Betty: I know, it’s shocking. I don’t usually lie.
Dr. Gerber: You’re just trying to drag out this appointment to delay the goodbye. It’s normal behavior when a patient’s become so attached. We really have become close.
Betty: Remember that time we ran into each other when we were on vacation in Ocean City, Maryland?
Dr. Gerber: That was a lot of fun.
Betty: How about that time I was convinced I had cancer?
Dr. Gerber: Which time?
Betty: Very fun.
Dr. Gerber: No, I mean it.
Betty: Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that we’ve been through a lot of fun and scares and emotions together. I want to thank you, for always making me feel safe and secure.
Dr. Gerber: It’s been my pleasure, and I want you to know that I truly wish I could stay on forever. I don’t know who you’re going to choose to be your next doctor, but I know you’re in great hands.
Betty: I’m crying. You’re making me cry.
Dr. Gerber: This is one of the hardest farewells I’ve had. Of all my patients, I’ve had you for the longest.
Betty: One of?
Dr. Gerber. Okay, this is the hardest. You need to know, though. I’m staying in town. It’s a small town, we’ll still see each other. So, dry your eyes. I’m not kidding about stopping in your shop.
Betty: I’m counting on it! I better see you in there!
Dr. Gerber: You have my word.
Betty: Your word has always been incredibly valuable.
One week later…
Betty: Teri! Bring me the thermometer.
Teri: Why?
Betty: I’m not feeling well.
Teri: If this is a ploy to see Dr. Gerber again, it’s no use. You’re not going to get in.
Betty: No, my throat is killing me.
Teri: Okay, I’ll get you the thermometer. Don’t breathe on me, though.
Betty: I’m glad you have your priorities straight.
Teri: I sure do. I stay healthy, above all else.
Teri hands Betty the thermometer.
Betty: 102.4!
Teri: Yeah, you’re sick!
Betty: What am I going to do? I never found another doctor.
Velma: You can go to the Urgent Care center.
Betty: Like an animal?
Frank: Well, if you’re sick as a dog…
Tammi: Not the time!
Frank: You’re really being hard on me lately.
Tammi: Just trying to keep you from being murdered by my grandma.
Karl: Come on, Betty. We’ll go to urgent care and get you some medicine so you can feel better. It’s no big deal.
Betty: I won’t go there! They never get it right.
Tammi: I agree, they never seem to find what’s wrong with me, either. It always takes a few visits. It’s a scam.
Karl: You can’t just do nothing about it. You're always sick for like two weeks if you don’t go to a doctor.
Danielle: I’ve tried to tell you this about fifteen times and you never listen, but you should go see my doctor. Her name is Dr. Smithfield. I’ve been seeing her for almost ten years and she’s lovely. She’s accepting new patients, too.
Teri: Why didn’t you tell me this?
Danielle: You don’t listen.
Jerry: I heard her say this about three times now. I’m just saying.
Danielle: I can get you her number, if you want.
Karl: That would be great, Danielle. In the meantime, I think we need to get Betty some Tylenol.
Betty: Just like Madonna, I’m burning up.
Steven: Who is Madonna?
Teri: You’re grounded.
Tammi: No, honey, you aren’t.
Teri: Yes, you are. Room, now.
Velma: I have to say, I’m surprised by Danielle being the one to save the day. I thought we were all going to have to stand here and beg her to go to urgent care.
Danielle: Why are you surprised I saved the day? I’m the only person here who aurally tried to clam her down when she was crying about losing her old doctor.
Velma: Well, no one ever really listens to you.
Danielle: That’s so rude. True, but rude.
Teri: I listen to her!
Danielle: When?
Teri: I’ve been very distracted the past few weeks, but other than that, I’ve been fine!
Danielle: Eh…
Teri: What do you mean “eh?”
Danielle: You have selective hearing.
Betty: Girls, girls!
Teri: Yes, mother?
Betty: Shut up, I’m trying to rest.
Frank: She seems like her normal self to me.
Betty: God’ll get you for that.
What did you think of this episode Our House? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below and make sure to return for a new episode next week!
