Tammi is vacuuming when there is a knock at the front door.
Velma: Tammi, you gonna get that?
Tammi: I’m trying to get this living room vacuumed before my break is over.
Velma: Okay… Ralph, get the door!
Tammi: He went to lie down, he had a headache.
Velma: Are we the only three in the house today? Wow, no wonder it’s so quiet.
Tammi: I’m vacuuming, how is that quiet?
Velma: Have you heard everyone else’s big mouths?
Tammi: That’s a good point.
Velma: So, are you going to get the door or are we going to be rude?
Tammi: Can’t you get it?
Velma: I’m working.
Tammi: You sound really busy.
Velma: Thank you, I work hard.
Tammi: I guess I’ll get it.
Velma: Thank you, you’re a doll.
Tammi opens the front door.
Tammi: Amelia, what are you doing here? Did you and Zeke get in another fight? I’m not driving him to work again.
Amelia: No, it’s nothing like that. I already dropped him off at work, no worries there.
Tammi: You are a saint.
Amelia: You do what you can for the people you love.
Tammi: So, what does bring you here? I don’t mean to rush you, but I have to get back to work soon, so this will have to be a quick chat.
Amelia: I just have a favor to ask, and I hope it’s not a bother to you.
Tammi: I’m getting scared. I’m not buying you drugs.
Amelia: Oh my god.
Tammi: It was a joke, I didn’t mean it.
Amelia: So you will buy me drugs?
Tammi: I don’t know if that’s a joke or not, so I don’t know how to respond.
Amelia: Joke! Just a joke! I’m not your brother.
Tammi: Good one!
Amelia: So… about that favor.
Tammi: Oh, right. We haven’t gotten to that yet.
Amelia: I just want to start off by saying that I totally understand if you say no, I know it’s a lot to ask.
Tammi: Do you need an organ? Sorry, I shouldn’t cut you off. I should let you ask for yourself.
Amelia: I do not need an organ. I’d like to stay at your house for about a week.
Tammi: Oh… why?
Velma: That is a good question.
Tammi: I thought you were busy?
Velma: I heard concerning things.
Amelia: My house… um… how do I put this? The pipe in my bathroom exploded and my house got a bunch of water damage and now I have to get guys to come in and do repairs. It’s a whole mess and I can’t stay there while they fix it.
Tammy: Well, I’ll have to talk with the rest of the family, but I don’t think there would be any problem. Right, Velma?
Velma: Oh, yeah. Everything should be great.
Amelia: That isn’t very convincing, but I will trust you, Tammi.
Tammi: Just pack your things and be ready. If they give the okay tonight, I’ll stop over and let you know and you can get out of that house. I have one question, though. Why did Zeke not tell me about this?
Amelia: He doesn’t know, it just happened last night and I forgot to tell him when I drove him to work.
Tammi: I’m gonna be honest with you. I didn’t realize that he was even here at all this morning.
Velma: It’s because you were too hard at work!
Tammi: Shit! I need to get back to work!
Amelia: I’ll talk to you later, thanks for everything.
Tammi: See you later!
Tammi closes the door.
Velma: What was that?
Tammi: What was what?
Ralph: Can you two keep it down out there?
Velma: You offered our house to stay at!
Tammi: I did nothing of the sort. I said I’d ask everyone about it tonight.
Velma: You’re putting us on the spot now.
Tammi: She’s a friend. In fact, I’m pretty sure Zeke is soon going to be comfortable calling her his girlfriend.
Velma: We have way too many people in this house so as it is!
Tammi: What’s one more, then? I gotta get back to work, maybe you’ll be less weird about this in a few hours.
Velma: Nope!
Four hours later, at dinner…
Tammi: Something came up today and I have to ask you guys something about it.
Teri: Tammi! We haven’t said Grace yet.
Karl: Grace. Now eat!
Jerry: I don’t appreciate that.
Karl: Tough. I’m hungry.
Cindy: We all are, honey. Say it while we eat.
Jerry: No, I won’t let God be disrespected like that.
Tammi: Anyhow, Amelia stopped by and told me that she had some extensive water damage at her house and she’s having people come by to repair it starting tomorrow. She wanted to know if she can stay here for like a week while the repairs are done.
Mitchell: Doesn’t she have anywhere else to stay? We’re sort of full.
Betty: Are you kidding? This house is huge! We’ve got plenty of room.
Teri: Yeah, what’s one more person for mom to keep up at night with her snoring?
Betty: I don’t snore!
Danielle: They can hear it in Delaware.
Betty: Delaware isn’t even real!
Karl: I have an idea, tell me if it’s stupid.
Cindy: Your ideas are always smart, dad.
Frank: I don’t know, he married Betty.
Tammi: Frank!
Frank: Kidding! Kidding!
Karl: We should let her stay in the guest house. It’s not like we have any reason to use it ourselves this week, so then there wouldn’t be any worry about adding another person to this “full” house. Plus, then she could have her privacy and wouldn’t have to sleep on a couch or anything.
Teri: I think that’s a great idea.
Cindy: Someone’s going to have to change the bedsheets, no one ever did them after our last guests.
Ralph: You mean when Uncle Paul stayed with his dog? I did the sheets.
Cindy: Since when do you do wash?
Ralph: Mom asked me to do it and I was happy to help.
Betty: He’s been helping around the house quite a bit!
Teri: Has he?
Karl: I think we’re deviating from the point here. Would everyone be okay with Amelia staying in the guest house?
Mitchell: I don’t see a problem with it if she’s not in the house. It’s not like she can crowd us when she’s in the guest house.
Teri: So, no one has a problem with it?
Frank: I th-
Tammi: Frank…
Frank: I was trying to saw it’s a great idea.
Tammi: You’re lucky. I thought you were going to pull a Velma.
Velma: What is that supposed to mean?
Tammi: You were so against inviting her to stay here that you got up from your desk during work to make sure I wouldn’t tell her she could stay.
Teri: You did what? Since when d you get up from your desk during work?
Ralph: It was so loud, it woke me up!
Tammi: I was as shocked as you are.
Velma: I do it all the time!
Jerry: She must really hate Amelia.
Velma: I do not! I’m being put on the spot here.
Teri: We’re only teasing. It’s so easy to do to you.
Mitchell: You bring it on yourself, really
Velma: Oh really, Mitchell? I should beat your a-
Tammi: So, everyone is okay with inviting Amelia to stay in the guest house?
Teri: We’re all fine. Now, can I talk about last night’s episode of Euphoria?
Betty: What is that?
Jerry: Communist propaganda.
Teri: It’s something we will never watch together as a family.
Steven: I love Euphoria!
Cindy: Steven, go to your room.
Frank: Cindy, you can’t send him to his room.
Cindy: You’d be sending him too if you knew what the show was about.
Jerry: I don’t think sending him for alone time is the proper response to finding out he sneaks in watching the show about horned-up drug-addicted teenagers.
Tammi: I don’t have the energy for this right now. Steven, watch whatever you want.
Steven: Sweet!
Tammi: I’m going over to Amelia’s to let her know the good news.
Tammi leaves.
Velma: Am I the only one confused by how invested Tammi is in having Amelia stay here?
Cindy: Well, she’s always wanted a sister.
Teri: She’s got me. I’m young enough to be her sister.
Danielle: Aha, great joke Teri!
Teri: I was being serious…
Betty: I think she’s just kinder than the rest of us.
Ralph: Dad’s nice! The rest of us, not so much. But dad’s nice!
Karl: Thank you, Ralph!
Jerry: I think it’s very Christ-like of Tammi to want to give refuge to a friend in need.
Velma: I’m gonna be honest. I don’t love it.
Teri: Oh, here we go again.
Velma: I don’t want Amelia over here all the time. I like it with her and Zeke over there, away from us.
Cindy: And what is that supposed to mean?
Velma: Nothing! Nothing!
Ralph: I wish I had popcorn.
Cindy: I don’t believe you, Velma.
Velma: All I’m saying is that Amelia is a lovely girl, but she grates on me. She talks… so much.
Teri: Are you kidding me?
Danielle: You have to be joking. She talks too much?
Velma: What are you implying?
Karl: Your mouth moves like a duck’s ass.
Ralph: Wow, dad cursed!
Mitchell: He’s right, too.
Velma: I think you want to get set to the couch tonight.
Mitchell: You’re not wrong.
Velma: That’s why I’m gonna cuddle up extra tight tonight in bed!
Cindy: I’m actually quite relieved that Velma’s problem with Amelia is so trivial and ridiculous. I though it had to do with my Zeke, and I will cut a bitch.
Teri: We gotta get her out of that school, they’re teaching her phrases she can’t even begin to comprehend.
Two hours later…
Amelia: Hey, guys. I don’t mean to intrude on your night.
Ralph: We’re just watching this week’s Abbott Elementary. For the fifth time.
Betty: I love it! It reminds me of my school when I was growing up.
Danielle: I mean this in the nicest way. How?
Teri: Please, ignore them.
Amelia: Don’t worry, I’ve been ignoring them for years.
Zeke: It’s what I told her to do!
Betty: None of us doubt it.
Amelia: Your kindness means so much to me. I will find a way to repay it.
Karl: It’s no big deal. No one was even using the guest house. This is the least we can do for you.
Amelia: I’m going to the store tomorrow, I don’t know if you need anything but let me know if you do.
Jerry: You’re gonna regret saying that in this house!
Velma: I got a list.
Teri: Run.
Velma: I need salami. I need chocolate milk -
Betty: Since when do you dri-
Velma: I need popcorn. The cheesy kind, but not the bagged kind, the microwave kind. I need a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Milk & Coo-
Mitchell: Honey, shut up.
Amelia: Is that all? I’ll be glad to get it. Anyone else need anything?
Ralph: We aren’t grifters, so no.
Amelia: All right, once again, if you need anything, let me know. You know where to find me to let me know.
Zeke: Let’s go, honey, I’m tired.
Amelia: I know, you had a long day of wading through your house trying to salvage priceless family heirlooms. Oh wait…
Zeke: It’s not a competition, you know.
Three days later…
Velma: You know, guys, having Amelia around has been surprisingly lovely.
Jerry: Uh-huh.
Velma: I mean it!
Tammi: It’s shame you were so against it to begin with. The normal response is to want to help your friend immediately when they ask for help.
Danielle: I don’t think you guys are fully appreciating how incredible it is for Velma to ever admit she’s wrong. It just doesn’t happen!
Teri: I mean, she's only changed her mind now because Amelia keeps buying her expensive junk from the grocery store that she never splurges on.
Velma: That isn’t true. We've also bonded over our shared love of Yellowstone.
Ralph: I’ll never get it.
Velma: You don’t have to. The rest of us appreciate art for what it is.
Betty: You guys are all up already? Even Teri? My lord, what is going on?
Karl: I think our alarm is broken. I just looked at it and it says it’s noon.
Ralph: That’s because it is.
Karl: Don’t gaslight me, Ralph!
Teri: Dad said that before the internet made it a thing because he went to see the movie in the theater! Back when they still spelled it “t-h-e-a-t-r-e!”
Jerry: He said it because of the SNL sketch last a few weeks ago.
Teri: How do you know what’s on SNL? Isn’t it for communists?
Jerry: Don’t mind that, I have a pressing question. Where are these donuts from?
Ralph: Where do you think?
Jerry: Velma made Amelia buy them?
Velma: I did not make her!
Danielle: She just strongly suggested it. Nothing wrong with that!
Tammi: I’m off to work, you guys. Try to leave me a donut for lunch.
Teri: A donut for lunch? Are you a sociopath?
Tammi: Grandma likes to tell me I am.
Betty: I do not! I call you a psychopath, there’s a difference.
There is a knock on the door.
Betty: Someone get that.
Ralph: Why cant’ you?
Betty: What if it’s a murderer or a robber? I’m a small, defenseless old woman. I’m dead! Frank, you get it.
Frank: Aww, she didn't call me a name this time.
Teri: Yeah, she just sent you off to, in her mind, be shot or stabbed by a violent criminal. You two are growing so close!
Frank answers the door.
Frank: Amelia! What brings you by so early this fine morning?
Amelia: I hope I’m not introducing on your morning. I’m sure you’re all in a rush to get to work, what with -
Frank: It’s fine, Amelia. What’s up?
Betty: Oh, it’s Amelia! Frank, you can go away now.
Frank: But I wa-
Betty: I want to talk to her.
Frank: Fine. Amelia, have a nice day!
Amelia: You too, Frank.
Betty: You don’t have to be nice to him, you know.
Amelia: Where is Tammi? I wanted her to be here when I said this.
Jerry: She’s working. Whatever it is, we’ll tell her.
Amelia: Okay, fair enough. I just wanted to let you know that I really meant what I said when I mentioned repaying you for this. I went to the bank today and I got money to pay you. HEre’s two hundred and fifty dollars. I appreciate your kindness so much.
Karl: This is not necessary!
Amelia: No, it is! My dad always told me to treat others with kindness and to give back when you can. You were kind to me, time for me to give back.
Betty: That is so sweet!
Amelia: I really don’t want to intrude, so I’m going to go now. Also, I have to get Zeke to work and he’s going to get annoyed if he has to wait any longer. Thank you all again for being so sweet this week!
Amelia leaves.
Teri: I hope Velma knows she’s not seeing a penny of that money.
Velma: What?
Teri: We wouldn’t have it if you got your way! Mitchell, you’re borderline yourself.
Mitchell: Me? What did I do?
Teri: “Can’t she go to a hotel?
Mitchell: It was an honest question!
Velma: Honey, pack it up.
Mitchell: I’m being railroaded!
Teri: You’re being confronted with the truth!
Karl: No one’s getting the money, it’s getting used to pay the mortgage.
Jerry: That’s a good idea. We could buy Luxembourg with the money we sink into the mortgage every week.
Betty: You know, this gives me an idea.
Teri: Oh no.
Ralph: I’ll get the brandy.
Betty: What if we start renting out that guest house all the time? If we can get this much from a fiend for a week-long stay, think of what we can get on that air R&B app!
Teri: You mean airbnb?
Betty: Whatever.
Cindy: Do we really want a bunch of strange people staying in our guest house, just feet away from us our house?
Mitchell: What’s the difference, they’re in the house now.
Cindy: That is true.
Teri: We are not cut out to be landlords.
Ralph: I could be a great landlord!
Karl: It’s not even worth discussing. It’s an interesting idea, sure, but it would be too much work for us. Plus, I like the privacy.
Jerry: Also, those HOA bitches would never allow it.
Karl: I forgot about them!
Ralph: I wish I could. Mom never shuts up about them.
Karl: Like I said, it was a nice idea!
Jerry: Was it?
Betty: Fine. Ignore my brilliance if you must. Your loss.
Teri: Thank you, mom. I will.
What did you think of this episode Our House? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below and make sure to return for a new episode next week!
