Cindy is looking through the mail when she notices a letter from the HOA.
Cindy: Oh, this should be good.
Ralph: Don’t show mom. Just put it in the shredder. Please.
Jerry: What is it?
Cindy: I don’t think we need to know. It’s always nonsense from the HOA. Nonsense that our mother makes a huge deal out of.
Karl: You don’t need to hide junk mail from your mother, she’s not that neurotic.
Cindy: Dad! What are you doing home without mom?
Karl: She’s in the car, bringing in things from the shop.
Ralph: So we have like ten minutes to talk yet. Good.
Jerry: Ralph, that’s mean. It’ll probably only be like eight or nine minutes.
Betty: What are you guys all gathered around the table for?
Ralph: Mom! Welcome home!
Tammi: They were talking about you, grandma.
Cindy: Snitch!
Frank: You guys act like children sometimes.
Betty: Shut the hell up, Frank.
Frank: I was sticking up for you.
Betty: I don’t need you to stick up for me, idiot. So, what were y’all saying about me?
Ralph: We were asking dad where you were, that’s all.
Betty: I was coming home from a long day of work. A day of work I had to do with only Mitchell to assist me.
Jerry: I’m sorry, I had a physical today. Fit as a fiddle, just like I told Cindy.
Betty: It doesn’t matter, it went fine.
Danielle: Oh, what’s this?
Cindy: Don’t!
Danielle: What is the HOA sending us letters for?
Ralph: Dammit.
Danielle: What’s the problem?
Betty: Let me see that!
Ralph: Therein lies the problem.
Betty: Look at this crap.
Cindy: Here we go…
Betty: This is madness and it boils my blood.
Jerry: Well, are you going to tell us what it is?
Betty: The HOA is holding a meeting on Friday -
Ralph: Tomorrow.
Betty: On whether or not to turn the neighborhood into a gated community.
Jerry: A gated community? Us?
Cindy: I guess it’s good we actually read it.
Betty: What, were you just going to throw it out?
Frank: That was their plan, yes.
Betty: Stuff like this is important! If people don’t show up to protest their nonsense, then Anita gets her way without any pushback.
Cindy: I doubt we’re going to make a difference. You’ll go, get in a spat with Anita, be told to leave, and won’t even get to vote on it in the end.
Ralph: Just like every other time.
Karl: You know, it would’ve been nice if they’d told us about this earlier than the day before the meeting. I was excited to see that new Netflix movie with that Jennifer Lawrence tomorrow night and now I’m going to have to go to this.
Jerry: That communist movie? Come on, Karl.
Danielle: This is postmarked for December 30th. It’s probably been sitting in the mailbox for, what would you say, Jerry? Four days? Five?
Jerry: Damn postal service!
Betty: What are we going to about the HOA? I’m not hearing any ideas from you guys!
Frank: We haven’t even talked yet about why you oppose it becoming a gated community. I think it could be good.
Betty: You would.
Danielle: Why would this neighborhood become a gated community? Sure, they’re all big houses, but it’s been in place for fifty years. They haven’t built a new house in five years. Who are we trying to appeal to with this?
Teri walks into the house.
Teri: Why are you all gathered around the table? Did something happen to Aunt Ruth?
Betty: God, I hope not. I never returned her call at Thanksgiving.
Karl: We got a letter from the HOA, they want to make the neighborhood into a gated community.
Teri: Us? A gated community?
Jerry: That’s basically what I said when I heard it.
Teri: That does not make me feel better.
Frank: Why is everyone so against it?
Tammi: Well, you being in favor of it isn’t helping matters.
Velma: I think it’s asinine.
Ralph: Oh, my god! Velma’s here? I’m not used to her being so quiet for that long.
Velma: I mean, we’ll sound like snobs.
Ralph: Yes, that’s the only reason to be against it. The appearance of snobbery.
Velma: You’re a socialist, Ralph. Surely you have to agree that it reeks of elitism.
Jerry: Plus, it’ll raise our property taxes
Frank: It will? Oh, god. I’m against it now.
Betty: Always about money with these people.
Frank: These people?
Betty: Republicans.
Frank: Why does politics have to be dragged into every conversation?
Cindy: Have you met my mother?
Betty: There are so many reasons to be against this aside from it raising your stupid taxes!
Frank: That’s easy for you to say, you don’t pay them.
Tammi: Frank, leave it alone.
Betty: What did you just say to me?
Frank: I said you don’t worry about the taxes because it’s not your responsibility to begin with.
Teri: Danielle, get the camera. We’re gonna send this in as mom’s audition tape for the WWE.
Ralph: Mom, why are you so against becoming a gated community?
Betty: For one, the name “Lakey Heights” is absolutely idiotic. Was any thought put into that? At all?
Frank: You think this is a better reason to oppose a gated community than higher taxes?
Betty: It’s not my primary reason, it’s just on the list.
Frank: Let’s hear the rest of it.
Betty: I don’t want to feel like I’m living in a retirement community. Look at any gated community, the residents look straight out of Cocoon. I don’t need to feel like I’m living in that Diane Keaton movie about old cheerleaders.
Danielle: Aww, I loved Poms!
Betty: I did, too, but I don’t want to live out Poms every day! Plus, I really don’t need Anita to get any more power to control our lives than she already has. It’ll go straight to her head.
Jerry: Does anyone here actually think this is a good idea? Anyone at all?
Teri: It doesn’t sound like it.
Jerry: So why are we arguing about it? Let’s just have dinner.
Cindy: That’s your answer to anything.
Jerry: Home cooking is healing.
Cindy: Then you do it.
Jerry: Pass.
Karl: We haven’t heard Mitchell’s take on the matter.
Velma: Do we need to?
Karl: No, not really.
Betty: So, are we all going to the meeting tomorrow to stick it to Anita?
Frank: I’m not wasting my time.
Teri: No one was asking you to go, don’t worry.
Steven: Having dad on your side would definitely turn everyone else to the other side!
Tammi: Steven!
Teri: Good one, kid.
Tammi: Don’t encourage this!
Teri: No, I think I will.
The next night, at the HOA meeting…
Olivia: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us tonight. We know that the meeting at hand tonight is an extremely hot topic and we look forward to a night of vigorous debate.
Annie: This needs to be done before Blue Bloods, let’s get a move on, folks.
Olivia: Okay, without further ado, your HOA President, Anita DeFleur!
Anita: Thank you, Olivia, for that marvelous introduction.
Betty: That was a Bette Midler line from Hocus Pocus. That fits, since Anita is the Wicked Witch.
Anita: Residents of this community, we’ve asked you to come here because it’s time for change.
Betty: Is it?
Anita: Ms. Bellwood, your outbursts do not go unnoticed. Let’s put the kibosh on the color commentary.
Karl: We won’t let it happen again, sorry.
Betty: Why are you apologizing to her? She’s a tyrant.
Anita: Anyway, it’s time for change. Crime is up in the city, and we have to protect ourselves. We need to secure this neighborhood and keep it prosperous. That’s why we’ve drawn up plans to turn this neighborhood into a gated community. We’ve gotten an approval from city hall on the matter, and we are ready to get to work on turning this into reality. Lakey Heights will be a community for us all -
Betty: Only us, though. No one else is allowed to drive in. No more guests, I presume? What’s even the point of putting up Christmas lights if no one can drive through to see them? Ever think of that?
Gloria: She has a point.
Betty: Thanks, Glor’!
Anita: Again, we ask that you wait until the end of the presentation to talk.
Betty: But we’re fired up now.
Anita: You aren’t even giving me a fair chance to talk about the benefits this could have on our neighborhood.
Velma: What benefits? Closing us off from the outer world like a bunch of lunatics? That doesn’t sound great to me.
Anita: This family…
Jerry: Read my lips: no new taxes!
Teri: This whole thing absolutely reeks of elitism. Someone wise told me that.
Velma: Me!
Mitchell: Are these things usually this insane?
Karl: No, this one’s special.
Anita: Turning our neighborhood into a gated community has so many benefits. It can keep us truly safe.
Teri: From what? People egging our houses? What crime happens here?
Marcel: Anita, do you want me to have them removed again?
Anita: No, I think they’re proving my point better than I can.
Marcel: Okay. Though, just say the words and I’ll do it.
Anita: The HOA board passed the motion to start the gated community on the condition that it receives approval from a majority of homeowners in the area. You’ve all been handed packets with information regarding the switch. I recommend that you all peruse them before making your final decisions on this very important matter that can truly make this community into something special. Voting will take place via mail, to ensure that everyone has a chance to vote, even the residents that couldn’t make it here tonight. I am now going to open the floor up to comments, concerns and questions.
Betty: May I?
Anita: Have you not said enough tonight?
Gloria: I think we’d all like to hear this, Anita.
Anita: Fine. Fire away, Bellwood.
Betty: Folks, we don’t need this. We’ll never need this. It’s dumb. It’s going to cost us so much money, disturb the peace in the neighborhood thanks to all the construction we’ll need to do, and, worst of all, make us look like a bunch of elitist snobs who are afraid of the outside world. Not to mention, do we really want to live in a glorified retirement community? You guys are young! You have families! Do you want to live like a widowed Floridian grandmother? I don’t think so.
Anita: First of all, the construction won’t disturb anyth-
Betty: I’m not done.
Teri: She’s not done!
Betty: And also, think of how much time this will waste on our morning commutes! We’ll have to drive through a gate and hand a guard our ID. Sure, that’s fun and all when you’re on vacation at a fancy resort, but every day? In our own homes? Madness! I don’t have the time to wait in a five-car line when I have a store to get to! I have a career!
Anita: It really does no-
Betty: Not done!
Anita: I let you talk.
Velma: Did ya?
Anita: You are all taking over this meeting. This is chaos. I’m dismissing it. We’ll return in one week to read the votes.
Betty: If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen!
Anita: What?
One week later…
Betty: Oh man, I can’t wait to hear how this vote went. I made some great points.
Jerry: You sounded insane.
Betty: Thank you!
Anita: Ladies and gentlemen of our community, thank you for coming for the reading of the votes regarding our move to a gated community. We know how valuable your time is, and we appreciate how much of your time you’ve afforded to us on this matter. Before the votes are read, we’d like to explain how they were tab-
Betty: Come on!
Olivia: Anita, just read the results.
Anita: The results were tabulated by an outside, unbiased source who we can trust. If anyone does not believe the results, they can request access to the full list of ballots to ensure full security.
Betty: What are the results, Anita?
Anita: By a very tight margin, the neighborhood has voted against moving forward with the gated community.
Betty: Yes! Down with tyranny!
Jerry: You sound like a libertarian, Betty. I’m proud of you!
Betty: I thought we were supposed to leave politics out of it?
Jerry: Frank said that! Who listens to Frank?
Ten minutes later…
Anita: Well, well, you got your way this time.
Betty: Such a shame that more people weren’t here to see you cry.
Anita: Im not crying.
Betty: Your eyes look wet.
Anita: Eyes are supposed to be wet.
Betty: Not leaky.
Anita: Oh, lord, you are annoying.
Betty: Better luck next time. Maybe think of an idea that isn’t completely awful and you’ll get a win.
Ralph: Can we go home? I’m bored.
Tammi: Aren’t we all?
Cindy: Mom looks pretty thrilled.
Teri: Why is she break dancing?
Karl: She finally got a win, let her have this.
Velma: I’m gonna join her.
Danielle: Please don’t.
Teri: I’m walking away. This is too embarrassing.
Velma: More embarrassing than her meltdown last week?
Teri: That was productive. This is reductive.
Velma: Touché.
Ralph: We’re gonna miss Shark Tank.
Karl: Betty, get in the car. We’re not missing Shark Tank.
What did you think of the of midseason premiere Our House? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below and make sure to return for a new episode next week!
