Marietta is in line at the grocery store when she gets a phone call.
Marietta: Amy, can you pick that up for me?
Amy: I’m not your assistant.
Marietta: No, but you’re my friend, and friends asset friends.
Amy: Okay, fine.
Amy answers the phone.
Amy: Hello.
Milton: Hello, Amy! Where is my sister?
Amy: It’s Milton.
Marietta: Okay, gimme the phone.
Amy: What was the point in my picking up the phone?
Marietta: I just like to annoy you.
Amy: You sure do.
Marietta: So, Milton. For what do I owe the pleasure? And I’ll have you know that I am very busy doing mayor things.
Cashier: Do you want paper or plastic?
Marietta: Thank you Tammy, I will file those very important legal papers away.
Cashier: My name is -
Marietta: Tammy, yes. We all know that, silly!
Milton: Why are you like that?
Marietta: Like what?
Milton: Never mind. I’m calling to ask if you can keep Sarah this weekend. Some work stuff got shuffled around so I’ll be away on Saturday and Sunday and then home from Monday until Wednesday.
Marietta: Is Kate experimenting with the working hours? I told her that was idiocy, but you know Kate. She never listens.
Milton: No, I’m actually going to a conference in Connecticut this weekend.
Marietta: A conference in Connecticut? That’s familiar.
Milton: Kate said you’d say that.
Marietta: Good for Kate.
Milton: Are you mad? You sou-
Marietta: Chris Haverford’s biennial conference was something I always looked forward to.
Milton: If it makes you feel any better, this isn't the first one you’ve missed since you left office.
Marietta: In what world would that make me feel better?
Amy: Marietta, you’re holding up the line.
Marietta: Here’s my credit card, you check out for me.
Amy: I can’t believe this is my life.
Marietta: Gonna be honest, I’m a little surprised about it myself.
Milton: I think I should let you go, you’re clearly busy.
Marietta: This conversation’s to over, Milton. I’m calling you when I get out of here!
Milton: I’ll wait by the phone with bated breath.
At the Mayor’s Mansion…
Marietta: Thanks again for helping me out with shopping. I got out a lot faster with your help.
Amy: That was faster than normal? A lot faster?
Marietta: Believe it or not, yeah.
Amy: The phone call sure didn’t help matters. What was going on there?
Marietta: Milton’s going to a senate conference in Connecticut that I used to be invited to. That was something I got to do and now it’s him doing it. It stings!
Amy: Well… you’re not a senator anymore.
Marietta: Don’t you think I know that?
Amy: It’s not abundantly clear from the way you’re talking, no.
Marietta: It’s not about being a senator. It’s about my friends moving on from me.
Amy: Oh boy. Where’s Tammy when you need her?
Marietta: Out of town. Probably going to that same stupid conference!
Amy: Marietta, she’s visiting her kids in New York.
Marietta: A convenient cover, I’d say.
Amy: Why are you like this? And why do I put up with it?
Marietta: Because you love me.
Amy: So, I better get home. You have a nice night, and I’ll see you tomorrow at work!
Marietta; You love me, c’mon.
Amy: Bye, Marietta! Enjoy tonight’s premiere of The Bachelor!
Thirty minutes later, at Martin and Patty Lynn’s…
Martin: Is it just me, or is Marietta late tonight?
Kathleen: I believe she said she was going to the store. You know how that goes.
Sarah: I’m assuming she’ll be here sometime tomorrow. I hope you have a change of clothes here for me, grandma.
Patty Lynn: I don’t think she’ll be that long. At least I hope not.
Sarah: What is that supposed to mean?
Patty Lynn: Just that I’d be scared if it took your aunt a full day to pick out which cereal to buy.
Sarah: It’s not the cereal that takes so long. Fruit is what trips her up.
The doorbell rings. No one moves.
Kathleen: Guess I’ll get it. Not like I’m nearing eighty with a bad hip or anything.
Patty Lynn: Join the club, sister.
Kathleen opens the door.
Marietta: Oh, what a day.
Kathleen: I’m good, how are you?
Patty Lynn: Can you believe they were saying it would take you until tomorrow to get here?
Sarah: It’s called sarcasm.
Marietta: I don’t care what you guys say about me being slow. I already know I’m as slow as molasses in January.
Martin: We’re just glad you’re here now. I had no idea about your trip to the store and thought something was the matter.
Marietta: Oh, something’s the matter, all right.
Kathleen: Let me grab a drink.
Martin: Get me one, too.
Patty Lynn: What’s the matter, honey?
Marietta: Your son.
Patty Lynn: Get me a drink, too.
Sarah: You know it’s bad when even grandma asks for a drink.
Marietta: That man is going to a conference in Connecticut that I used to go to with my Senate friends, and he had the absolute nerve to brag to me about it!
Martin: Where is Kathleen with that booze?
Marietta: You don’t have to all make jokes like that. I need advice and friendly, receptive faces to vent to.
Kathleen: What’s the problem about him going to the conference? Why are you so annoyed about it?
Marietta: I used to go to it all the time. I’m not invited this time. It feels like I’m being replaced by my friends.
Martin: Correct me if I’m wrong -
Marietta: This isn’t sounding good.
Martin: This is a senate conference, no?
Marietta: It is.
Martin: And I know you’re no longer a senator.
Sarah: Shh, she doesn’t like to talk about it!
Marietta: That’s not true!
Sarah: How come you never talk about it, then?
Marietta: It’s never relevant to our conversations.
Sarah: Never?
Marietta: I’m not on trial here! I am not feeling supported!
Patty Lynn: I understand what you mean. It’s hard to be excluded from a friend group. You see, Marcy Cantor -
Martin: Kathleen, I need the entire bottle of alcohol.
Kathleen: I’m on it.
Patty Lynn: Marcy took over my book club and slowly but surely pushed me out of the club entirely. I know how you feel right now.
Sarah: Oh no, she’s validating this.
Marietta: Someone has to! I’m not crazy!
Patty Lynn: You’re not! The way you feel is valid.
Martin: I agree that it’s valid. I don’t think they’re actively trying to push you out, though. It’s just a group of co-workers participating in a work-related event. Kate and Ellie are always here to do things with you. You’re closer now than ever.
Marietta: It’s not even those two. It’s about the other senators.
Kathleen: Do you even talk to them anymore?
Marietta: Some of them!
Kathleen: Such as…?
Marietta: Joan.
Kathleen: Joan? There isn’t a senator named Joan.
Sarah: Thanks for reminding me that Joan Didion died. Now I’m sad again.
Marietta: At least I didn’t mention Betty White.
Patty Lynn (sobbing): Oh god…
Martin: Oh lord, not more crying.
Marietta: I meant Jan.
Kathleen: Marietta, you’ve cl-
Marietta: Pam Martin. She talks with me via Facebook Messenger.
Sarah: That’s how I talk with all of my dearest friends.
Marietta: You guys don’t get it! I had all of these acquaintances when I was in the Senate and now I don’t have them. I miss it! It’s even worse to be reminded of how they’ve all moved on from me.
Patty Lynn: I think the wisest move here would be to talk to Milton about it.
Marietta: I'm planning on it.
Kathleen: And with that, we can move on to dinner?
Marietta: You guys didn’t eat dinner yet? Wow, you’re beginning to almost act like normal human beings.
Later that night, Marietta calls Milton.
Milton: God, Marietta. It’s late! When you said you’d call again, I was under the impression that you meant soon after you got out of the store.
Marietta: It’s eight o’clock, Milton.
Milton: Unlike you, I have a set time to wake up tomorrow.
Marietta: Speaking of waking up, you clearly did so on the wrong side of the bed this morning.
Milton: So, for what reason do I have the pleasure of speaking to my darling sister on this fine night?
Marietta: That conference you’re going to in Connecticut. You know it upsets me.
Milton: It… upsets you?
Marietta: Don’t play dumb with me.
Milton: I knew you seemed a little ticked off when I told you, but I didn’t realize you were actually serious.
Marietta: I feel like my friends are replacing me!
Milton: You think that Chris Haverford inviting me, an incumbent senator, and not you, a former senator, to a Senate-related conference is evidence that you’re being replaced by your friends? Which senators would you even call your friends anymore?
Marietta: When you put it that way, it sounds silly. But I’ve been to the conference, I know it’s not just some stuffy work thing! You guys have actual fun up there. You party. You play games.
Milton: I wouldn’t know, it’s my first time. You went, what, five times?
Marietta: Six.
Milton: Marietta… anyone that was genuinely your friend beforehand is still your friend now. They are not replacing you with me. You don’t need to worry.
Marietta: You’re not just telling me this to calm me down?
Milton: No!
Marietta: And you know for a fact that they aren’t just limiting themselves to having one Landfield for a friend and picking you over me?
Milton: That is absolutely deranged.
Marietta: I’m a realist.
Milton: Go unwind, Marietta. Relax. Watch the premiere of The Bachelor.
Marietta: Why do people keep telling me to do that?
Milton: You just really feel like a viewer of The Bachelor.
Marietta: I guess you need you beauty rest. Talk to you soon, Milton.
Five days later, at the conference…
Milton: Kate, this better be good. I got so much crap for coming here.
Kate: From Patty Lynn? I know how hard it is to be away from her baby for an extra two days.
Milton: Actually, believe it or not, it was Marietta.
Ellie: Marietta giving you crap? Yeah, I believe it.
Kate: What was Marietta giving you a problem about?
Milton: She thinks we’re replacing her.
Kate: Huh?
Milton: She’s convinced that me being invited to this conference without her is some sort of sign that her Senate friends are choosing me over her.
Ellie: I’ll be honest, Milton. She didn’t really have a lot of friends in the Senate. She sorta kept to socializing with her inner circle. Me, Kate, Tammy, Gretchen, Gina. I don’t know how many people here would even call her their “friend.”
Kate: Ellie, that is insulting! Tons of people here liked Marietta!
Ellie: They may have liked her, but were they friends?
Kate: Eh…
Ellie: Exactly.
Milton: So you’re saying that she’s not being replaced because they never saw her as a friend at all?
Ellie: No, I’m saying she’s being replaced in the sense that a different person is sitting in her seat at the conference. It’s not like it was ever some sort of social gathering, every senator was invited.
Kate: No former senator has ever attended. They have no reason to. It’s just a bunch of us talking about boring senate-related junk and mingling with others to get support and cosponsors for the bills we’re working on. She’d have no reason to be here.
Milton: What about the games you guys play?
Kate: That was just some of us. What we did to pass the time at night.
Ellie: Haverford puts us up in such a cheap hotel, it doesn’t even have HBO. We found other ways to entertain ourselves. That included bad karaoke, playing Clue, and, occasionally, break dancing.
Milton: Break dancing?
Kate: You don’t want to know.
Ellie: I think he wants to know.
Kate: nope, he doesn’t!
Ellie: I have a video of Kate dancing on my phone.
Kate picks up Ellie’s phone and sticks it in a cup of water.
Ellie: Nice try, my phone is waterproof.
Kate: I’ll set it on fire.
Milton: When is this think going to start, by the way? I need to get another drink but I don’t want to be rude and walk out at the start of it.
Ellie: Get your drink. Haverford takes an eternity to set up.
Five hours later…
Chris: And so, I’m going to let you all on your own now to get some bonding time with everyone else here. I know this is what we all look forward to the most, so make it count!
Milton’s phone rings.
Ellie: Oh, good. You might have an out! I’m jealous!
Milton answers the phone.
Marietta: So you’re still sure they’re not replacing me.
Milton: My god! Marietta, why are you calling me?
Kate: It’s Marietta? Oh lord.
Marietta: I was going to show up there myself, but my therapist told me it’d be a bad idea.
Milton: Uh, you think? I thought you were over this.
Marietta: I’ve just had a nagging feeling all week about this. I have a real bad case of FOMO.
Milton: FOMO?
Ellie: Fear of missing out. It’s real!
Marietta: I miss my life in the Senate, okay? It feels weird to know that this is going on without me.
Milton: It’s no big deal, Marietta. It’s so boring.
Marietta: I know!
Milton: Why do you care so much, then?
Marietta: It’s something I used to do in my old life that is now gone. And it’ll never be back. It can be hard to move on.
Kate: Tell her we’ll come down and play games with her one weekend real soon.
Ellie: We can break dance, too.
Kate: Let it go, Ellie!
Marietta: I’m holding you girls to it!
Milton: So are you feeling better now?
Marietta: Sort of.
Milton: Good. I have to get back to this boring conference that is best described as sleeping aid. I’ll see you very soon.
Marietta: Thank you for dealing with my crazy, Milton.
Milton: That’s what siblings are for!
Kate: Well, siblings and former US Senate colleagues.
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments, listen to the official playlist, vote in the poll below and make sure to read the new episode next week!
