Tammy walks into Marietta’s office.
Tammy: Marietta, you have a call.
Marietta: Thank you, Tammy.
Tammy: That reminds me, why do people seem to think I’m your secretary? They call me all the time looking for you.
Amy: I think less people would do that if Marietta ever answered her own phone.
Marietta: If you’d both be quiet, I could answer my phone.
Tammy: Will do! We have a lot of discussion to do anyway about last night’s episode of The Equalizer.
Amy: No, we really do not.
Marietta closes the door to her office and picks up the phone.
Marietta: Yello!
Milton: “Yello?” Since when do you say that?
Marietta: What are you calling for, Milton? And why’d you call Tammy before you called me?
Milton: I called you. Six times.
Marietta: You’re kidding?
Milton: Nope.
Marietta: What was I doing?
Milton: You’re asking me?
Marietta: What are you calling about?
Milton: Someone doesn’t like being put on the spot!
Marietta: You didn’t answer the question.
Milton: You know what, never mind. I wanted to ask you to stop by mom and dad’s so we can talk in person.
Marietta: I’ll be there after work like every other day. Wait, no I won’t be. I forgot you were in town this week and had Sarah. I can stop by after work, though.
Milton: Wait, you forgot that my daughter was not living with you at your house for the week? That’s extremely concerning.
Marietta: Oh, don’t get all high and mighty. She’s so quiet. She just sits in her room all night and read Joan Didion and listens to Olivia Rodrigo. Like all the teenagers.
Milton: She also does her homework, right?
Marietta: This is besides the point.
Milton: You’re right. I need you to stop by mom and dad’s before Sarah gets out of school. I have something to talk to you all about that I don’t want her hearing about.
Marietta: Are you getting married?
Tammy: Milton’s getting married!
Amy: Good job, now she knows we’re listening.
Marietta: I already knew!
Milton: Marietta, listen to me! I am not getting married.
Marietta: Oh. That’s a shame. Good for Moira, though. Never settle.
Milton: I wanted to talk to you ab- wait, “good for Moira?” “Never settle?”
Marietta: A joke, Milton.
Milton: I want to talk to you about something that I need advice on. I don’t need Sarah hearing about it before I’m ready to tell her.
Marietta: I’ll tell you what. It’s been a slow day here so far. I can get an hour off and swing by for a chat. But no longer than that!
Milton: That’s all I’ll need. What time do you want to meet
Marietta: One?
Milton: See you then.
Marietta: Okay, see you then. Buh-bye.
Marietta hangs up.
Amy: So-
Marietta: Save it.
Tammy: What was that about?
Marietta: I don’t know yet. I have to swing by -
Amy: At one. We know.
Marietta: Then why’d you ask?
Amy: Just trying not to be rude.
Marietta: You’re failing. Miserably.
Tammy: I’m sorry she’s so rude. I try to keep her in line, but it’s hard.
Amy: Eavesdropping was your idea.
Marietta: I don’t care whose idea it was. God, you act like children.
Tammy: Not true. We’re worse.
Marietta: Will the two of you be able to hold down the fort for an hour while I’m gone? Or will you burn the office down while I step out?
Tammy: I think you can leave us alone for an hour. Longer than that, we may turn into Gremlins.
Marietta: Good to hear. It Is sort of your job, so I’m glad you’re capable of doing it.
Amy: My job is to brief the press and manage the social media. It says nothing about keeping City Hall standing.
Later, at Martin and Patty Lynn’s…
Patty Lynn: She’s here! Kathleen, get the dip!
Kathleen: We’re having a discussion about… I don’t know what, actually. We aren’t having a game night. Why do we need Heluva Good?
Patty Lynn: It’s a snack good for any occasion.
Martin: Let her have her dip if she wants, Kathleen. I haven’t had lunch today, so I’m glad to have something to eat.
Patty Lynn: It’s one o’clock, you’re not having lunch if you haven’t eaten by now.
Milton: Is anyone going to get the door?
Patty Lynn: I’ll get i-
Marietta: Sorry I’m late!
Patty Lynn: Never mind. She’s learned how to turn knobs.
Kathleen: I thought she never would. I’m very proud. If only we could teach Eliza.
Milton: Eliza is just considerate. Like me.
Marietta: Okay, let’s get down to business. What was so top secret that Sarah couldn’t be here to hear it?
Kathleen: I’m curious, too. I canceled my bridge game with Marcy for this.
Patty Lynn: You were having bridge with Marcy? How didn’t I know this?
Kathleen: Oh, damn. I wasn’t supposed to tell you!
Patty Lynn: We will discuss this later.
Martin: Can we let Milton talk now? Before Marietta has to leave?
Patty Lynn: Go ahead, dear. I apologize for your aunt’s foolishness.
Milton: Sarah’s -
Kathleen: My foolishness? Oh, sorry, Milton. Continue.
Milton: Sarah’s birth mother, Marion, reached out to me and wants to meet her. Apparently, she’s expecting a child of her own now and it made her want to reach out to Sarah. She has regrets about never asking to meet her any sooner.
Patty Lynn: Do you think that’s really a good idea?
Milton: I have no idea, that’s why I’m asking you.
Marietta: I don't think mom is the one to ask. When has she ever given us good advice?
Patty Lynn: I’m the one who told you to marry Danny.
Marietta: That notably ended so well.
Patty Lynn: You never would have had Kyle without marrying Danny.
Marietta: I’m just pulling your leg!
Milton: Could you do that some other time? Not when I need actual, serious, thoughtful advice.
Martin: Here’s my advice -
Marietta: Dad’s the only one who really has any right to give advice, so let’s listen to this.
Martin: Milton, I think deep down, you know how you feel about this, and you should listen to yourself.
Milton: That doesn’t do much to help me, dad. I don’t know how I feel, I need you to tell me!
Martin: Do you not know, or are you just scared to admit how you feel?
Milton: Look at dad playing Dr. Phil!
Martin: I’m not trying to be a doctor -
Marietta: Don’t worry, Dr. Phil doesn’t try to, either.
Milton: Can anyone help sway me in one direction or another?
Marietta: Are they ever getting back together? They said it was just a hiatus, but now Harry blew up and Ni-
Milton: Not the band One Direction. Can someone help me decide what to do?
Kathleen: What’s the worst that can happen if Sarah meets her surrogate mom? She doesn’t have any legal right to her, it’s not like she can take her back. I don’t see the risk in letting Sarah meet her. If you don’t let her meet her, you risk spending years wondering whether you made the right decision and feeling guilty for keeping them apart.
Patty Lynn: Did Kathleen just give good advice? Well, I’ll be!
Milton: I suppose you raise a fair point. I don’t want Sarah to find out somewhere down the line that her surrogate mom wanted to meet her and I denied her that opportunity.
Martin: I had a feeling that’s how you felt. Deep down, you know you should let them meet.
Milton: There’s one more thing.
Patty Lynn: What’s that?
Milton: Sarah’s surrogate mom invited us all down to her house in Florida to meet her.
Patty Lynn: She did?
Marietta: Oh, god. I am not going to Florida. The humidity…
Milton: You live in Louisiana!
Marietta: You be quiet.
Later that night…
Milton: Sarah, we want to talk to you.
Sarah: I just got home, dad. Can it wait? I want to listen to some mu-
Milton: I’d like to say it now if that’s okay. I’m not like your aunt, I actually do want to get home before eight o’clock.
Sarah: All right, that works too.
Patty Lynn: Do you want a snack?
Milton: Mom…
Patty Lynn: Okay, fine. I’ll sit down.
Milton: Thank you.
Sarah: You guys are scaring me. Is something wrong with Aunt Marietta?
Kathleen: Nothing that wasn’t already wrong before today.
Milton: Sarah, I know we never talk about your birth mother.
Sarah: I have a birth mother? I thought the storks brought me?
Martin: That’s just the lie your dad went with until you were, what, six?
Patty Lynn: She was eight.
Sarah: I can’t believe I actually believed him. I was so dumb.
Milton: You were not! It was adorable! But that’s not the point. The point is that your mother, who was a surrogate, would like to meet you. If you want to meet her, we’ll head to Florida on Friday.
Sarah: Florida? Ew.
Milton: That’s all you have to say?
Sarah: It’s a bad state.
Kathleen: She spends too much time with Marietta.
Milton: Don’t we all?
Sarah: If you’re asking me if I want to meet her, I will. I’m not exactly excited, but I’ve always been curious about her.
Martin: I’ll start packing.
Kathleen: You? Packing? Only if we want the plane tickets packed in the suitcases.
Martin: That happened one time!
Milton: Oh, this is going to be fun.
Sarah: What part of Florida does she live in? Not the Panhandle, right? I can only deal with so much weirdness.
Kathleen: Look at the family you’re in, you have an extremely high weirdness tolerance.
Milton: You’re going to love this. She lives in Sarasota.
Sarah: Well, clearly this woman is obsessed with me. Moving to a city named after me? I bet she vacations in Saratoga Springs.
Kathleen: I went to a casino in Saratoga Springs once. They cheated me out of twenty bucks.
Martin: I’m sure they did.
Friday, in Florida…
Marietta: I can’t believe you dragged me to Florida, Milton.
Tammy: And I can’t believe you dragged me.
Marietta: What was I going to do? Come here without my sidekick? No way. I need someone to spend the week complaining to about being in Florida.
Amy: You two are so negative. Florida is lovely.
Kathleen: How did Amy get invited here?
Tammy: I was wondering the same thing.
Milton: Amy has an aunt that lives here who graciously offered to let us stay with her, because Marion didn’t have enough space for the entire Brady Bunch. She, as most people would, assumed that she was only inviting like three or four people to stay with her.
Amy: My aunt is loaded, so she has a huge house. Tons of bedrooms, so I don’t even have to share a room with Susie-Snores-A-Lot over there.
Tammy: I do not snore!
Marietta: Tammy…
Sarah: So, when are we meeting this Marion person?
Milton: Tomorrow. We had a long travel day today.
Sarah: Dad, we left home two hours ago.
Milton: We did not!
Sarah: Three hours ago.
Patty Lynn: Can we go check in to the hotel?
Kathleen: Don’t you listen? We’re staying with an old Florida lady.
Martin: Don’t be rude, Kathleen. That “old Florida lady” is Amy’s aunt. She’s probably younger than you.
Amy: Oh, I don’t think Aunt Harriet is younger than anyone. She made Betty White look like a millennial.
Martin: It still isn’t nice.
One hour later, at Amy’s aunt’s house…
Amy: Aunt Harriet, these are my friends!
Harriet: Amy! Is that you?
Amy: Yes, Aunt Harriet. Remember, I told you we were coming!
Harriet: It’s so nice to see you!
Amy: Oh, god, she’s gonna want to reminisce. You guys just bring your stuff in, I’m booked solid here for a good two hours.
Tammy: Your elderly aunt wanting to reconnect, how awful.
Marietta: So, where are we sleeping?
Harriet: Make yourself comfortable! Pick any room, it doesn’t matter. The beds are clean, no one ever comes to visit me. Except you, my dear Amy!
Amy: She’s senile, I’m sorry.
Kathleen: I think Amy is being mean to her aunt to try to seem cool. You know, like a teenage girl.
Tammy: It’s so sad.
Sarah: Dad, can we go to the beach?
Milton: Are there beaches here?
Harriet: Are there beaches here? Of course! What other benefit would there be to living in Florida?
Sarah: Isn’t this where old people make their pilgrimage? Like Mecca for the elderly?
Harriet: I don’t know what that is, but I do know that we have some lovely beaches you can go to. Enjoy it while you’re here!
Patty Lynn: We should get seafood while we’re here.
Marietta: Why? You don't know what’s in the water here!
Tammy: We get it, Florida is bad. Can you not just try to enjoy it?
Marietta: Since when do I enjoy things?
Milton: Let me tell you something, Sarah. I’m going to unpack and then we’ll go to the beach. One hour, okay?
Sarah: Sounds good to me.
Two hours later…
Martin: I can’t believe we could only find one chair. I’m sitting in the Florida sand at five o’clock on a Friday night. I look like a drunkard.
Patty Lynn: You look marvelous, honey!
Kathleen: Let’s not go that far. We all look a little battered and beaten by that plane ride.
Sarah: Is no one else going to come in the water?
Marietta: We’re old, honey. We don’t do the ocean unless it’s about ninety out.
Tammy: Speak for yourself. I’m coming in!
Milton gets a phone call.
Milton: I need to take this, I’ll be right back.
Milton steps away and answers the call.
Marion: Milton! I’m so glad I got ahold of you. You didn’t fly out yet, did you?
Milton: Of course I did, we’re meeting tomorrow. I’ve been in Florida for hours.
Marion: Oh, darn.
Milton: Darn? What does that mean?
Marion: I’m not going to be able to meet with you and Sarah. I’m so sorry, I feel terrible.
Milton: Why not, Marion?
Marion: I went into labor last night. I’m only six months along, so it was a big surprise. I’m in the hospital with the baby and I need to spend the time with him. I’m really sorry about the trouble.
Milton: Marion, it’s not your fault. You enjoy time with your baby, I’m going to enjoy time with mine. I’ll keep in contact with you and we’ll meet for real very soon.
Milton hangs up.
Milton: Sarah!
Sarah: Dad, what? I just got in the water!
Milton: I need to talk to you.
Marietta: I bet he’s prohibiting her from swimming too far out. Like the buzzkill he is.
Milton: Sarah, honey. You birth mom called me and told me that she can’t meet this week. She had a medical problem. Uh… she gave birth. Obviously, she has to deal with that right now and meeting with us is not something she can take on right now. We’re going to come back out sometime soon. I know you were excited.
Sarah: I’m disappointed, but I’m glad to be here. We don’t get family vacations very often. Heck, I barely even get to hang out with you. Something good came out of this, anyway. Even if we do have to stay with Amy and her fossil aunt. We’re gonna have fun this week.
Milton: You’re a strong kid. Thank you for understanding.
Patty Lynn: Milton, what’s going on? Your father says something’s wrong but you look happy so I think he’s wrong.
Milton: I’ll tell you later.
Patty Lynn: He says he’ll tell us later!
Martin: I heard, dear.
Milton: So, what do you want to do this week? Turns out, we’ve got a pretty clear schedule.
Sarah: We should ask Aunt Marietta. Otherwise, she’s just going to complain the whole time.
Milton: Good point.
Marietta: I do not complain!
Sarah: How did you hear that?
Marietta: I have superpowers!
Tammy: I didn’t realize being annoying was a “power” now.
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments, listen to the official playlist, vote in the poll below and make sure to read the new episode next week!
