The group is on the plane, flying from Chicago to Denver.
Leslie: Charlotte, are you really sure you have to go to your festival right now?
Charlotte: you say it like I’m jetting off to Coachella! Telluride is a major film festival, it’s important that I go. It’s in my contract that I attend any festival playing the film, and this is the first showing of it in America. I could win another Oscar for this film!
Leslie: It can’t wait a few days?
Charlotte: The festival starts tomorrow, my film is one of the first that will be shown.
Sam: Give it up, Leslie. She’s going. Nothing we can do about it.
Paul: We could prevent her from using the company jet to get there, however.
Charlotte: Oh, come on. Not like anyone else is going to use it over the next week!
Paul: That is a fair point. Although, we will be using more gas thanks to your trip to Telluride.
Frances: I’m sorry, I just can’t get over Charlotte thinking she’s going to win another Oscar. I still can’t believe she won one!
Diane: Did you have to get her started?
Charlotte: I studied acting at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art! It’s one of the greatest acting schools in the world!
Frances: I seem to recall you were starring on a low-rated sitcom at 32% on Rotten Tomatoes when you came into our lives.
Charlotte: Ever Sir Laurence Olivier had his missteps.
Sam: Yes, who can forget Laurence Olivier starring in the UK version of Bosom Buddies?
Charlotte: I was in the Emmy conversation despite the show’s poor reception!
Sam: Just like this year?
Charlotte: That is a low blow, and even you know it!
Carly: Someone wake me when this conversation’s over, I can’t bear to listen to it anymore.
Charlotte: I’m glad my pain bores you so.
Carly: With all due respect -
Diane: Which is a lot, because, you know, Oscar!
Carly: I don’t find the scandal of attending a film festival all that interesting, no. They should let you do what you want. It’s a show about baking.
Charlotte: Thank you!
Leslie: She’s barely even paying attention!
Garry: Don’t talk to my wife like that.
Leslie: Oh, get off your high horse, Garry!
Sam: I find it hard to believe that Garry knows how to ride a horse. Look at him and his stupid sweater. It’s the summer, buckaroo. Wear a shirt like a normal person.
Garry: It’s a charming outfit!
Sam: It’s ninety-five degrees outside!
Garry: We’re inside.
Sam: We won’t be for much longer!
Melanie: What’s everyone arguing about now?
Charlotte: They’re trying to shame me for attending the festival opening of my new film, Swiss Army Knife.
Melanie: Why are you guys giving her a hard time? I assume there’s a reason for it -
Charlotte: Hey!
Melanie: but I’d like to be filled in.
Leslie: She’s skipping out on filming this week to attend that festival.
Melanie: What’s wrong with that? She worked hard on that movie, she tells us that all the time.
Paul: You’re not the one who has to explain to Jacqueline why one of her highest-paid network stars is skipping the filming of an episode of her highest-rated show to attend a film festival.
Melanie: I could make that call for you if you’d like.
Diane: Melanie does have a way of charming people.
Sam: Yes, she managed to get this job despite zero television qualifications, that took hard work.
Melanie: It did! Glad someone realizes!
Charlotte: Are we almost in Colorado?
Leslie: Why, is your festival about to start without you?
Charlotte: I’m just wondering when I can get away from this bunch of judgmental vultures.
Diane: We’re not judging you! We’re just pointing out how unusual it is to go to a film festival when you have another job to do. I’d never dream of it.
Charlotte: You’re not a star of the silver screen, Frances! I am an acclaimed thespian, I have duties that call me away. Do not worry, I will return to sample baked treats on our next stop. In fact, I’ll be meeting up with all of you back in Denver in four days and you can show me all the interesting places you’ve already become familiar with.
Garry: What’s the on-air explanation for the absence going to be, by the way?
Charlotte: Just say I have a prior engagement. It’s the truth.
Paul: Gang, we’re in Denver.
Leslie: I guess Charlotte’s not getting off.
Charlotte: But I’ll be back soon, before you even really notice I’m gone!
Diane: I think we’re going to notice, Charlotte. Not having anyone talk about how you’re an Oscar winner is going to become apparent fast.
Melanie: Don’t worry, I’ll mention it.
Diane: Thank you! This is why we need you on the set!
Melanie: I’m always happy to help.
Leslie: All right, I guess we should let Charlotte get on her way. She has a lot of rich celebrities to go rub elbows with!
Sam: Tell Meryl I said hi!
Charlotte: Meryl’s not going to be there. Paul Mescal and Anne Hathaway will be, though! Is that not exciting?
Diane: Is Anne Hathaway not filming the new Devil Wears Prada? And with Meryl?
Charlotte: They’re letting her take some time off for the festival. And if they can do that, then the cast and crew of a baking show can cut me a bit of slack, no?
Sam: Don’t play the victim, it’s unbecoming.
The next day…
Diane: It’s weird being on the stage with only the four of us.
Frances: We spent three years as just the four of us, this isn’t uncharted territory.
Diane: I know this is jarring to hear, but we’ve spent five years as a quintet.
Frances: My god, it’s been that long?
Leslie: Yeah, we’ve been doing this for a good, long while.
Paul: I used to be powerful back then. Now, I supervise cameras filming people baking cookies.
Diane: And cakes!
Frances: And the occasional turnover.
Garry: I’m partial to the pies.
Paul: The point is, my job is practically useless.
Sam: It fits you like a glove!
Paul: I’m going to choose to take that as a compliment.
Sam: I’m not really sure why you would.
Melanie: Did you guys know Charlotte has an Oscar?
Diane: Thank you, Melanie, gotta keep that tradition going.
Melanie: I’ll be back to remind you in an hour.
Sam: Next time, make sure to throw in a complaint about how she was robbed of an Emmy nomination.
Frances: What are the bakers making this week, Les? Anything interesting?
Leslie: Sorghum cookies -
Sam: What the hell is that?
Leslie: It’s a gain crop grown here. The pickings were slim, I just wanted to come to Denver ‘cause it’s pretty.
Frances: It really is pretty.
Leslie: They’re also making a “Spring Fling cake.” It’s topped with kiwi and other fruit and it has shredded zucchini in it.
Sam: What God would allow that? Cake with zucchini in it?
Leslie: It’s a legendary recipe around Denver.
Sam: They’re high all the time! They’ll eat anything!
Frances: What else do they have to offer? Preferably without a vegetable inside, but I’m not in a position to make requests.
Leslie: Palisade peach pie.
Sam: Palisade? That’s not far from where I live in LA.
Leslie: Different Palisade, Sam.
Frances: And what’s the last thing?
Diane: I always thought you guys picked them yourselves! Leslie picks them?
Frances: It’s despicable, isn’t it? They call one of them the “judge’s challenge” and we aren’t even the ones picking it. We lie to our viewers.
Paul: Every show does, in Leslie’s defense.
Diane: Not Bachelor in Paradise.
Sam: Oh my god, again with Bachelor in Paradise.
Garry: At least she hasn’t mentioned Olivia Rodrigo in a while.
Diane: She’s just adorable, is she not?
Sam: Nice going, Garry.
Melanie: Charlotte just posted a picture from Telluride on Instagram! Anyone want to see?
Sam: It’s not safe, Melanie. I don’t know if I could control myself if you handed me the phone. I might throw it at Garry.
Garry: Why me?
Sam: Because I’m being forced to work and she’s off palling around with Devil Wears Prada and Gladiator II at a festival!
Garry: In get why you’d be mad, but why take it out on me?
Sam: Oh. Because I hate you.
Garry: That wasn’t nice.
Diane: You were expecting nice?
Garry: I don’t know why.
Frances: Rookie mistake!
Melanie: Even I know she won’t pass up an opportunity to dunk on you.
Leslie: All right, time to work!
Sam: Why do we have to work? I’m going on strike!
Leslie: I can work with only three people. That’d be fine. You’re not getting paid, though.
Sam: Okay, no strike.
Frances: I think Leslie just union-busted.
Leslie: Please don’t say that, Twitter would cancel us for that if they found out.
Melanie: Twitter is mostly Nazis now, I don’t think they would. Nazis were famously not fans of unions.
Leslie: That’s a fair point.
The next day, on the set…
Diane: Bakers, you’ve all done great work this season, and this week. However, one of you reached new Rocky Mountain Highs this week in Denver.
Sam: Someone got high?
Diane: No, I was making a pun!
Sam: Pot’s legal here, Rocky Mountain High’s taken on a whole new meaning.
Diane: Anyhow, congrats are in order to Selma on her second straight week as Top Baker!
Sam: Edgar, the judges were nearly as delighted by what you prepared for them. Great work this week.
Diane: Philip, Chelsea, you’re also safe.
Sam: And Alicia, despite a peach pie meltdown for the judge’s challenge, the rest of your work this week was enough to save you.
Diane: Now for the toughest park of every week.
Sam: Allen, your sorghum cookies were delicious, but at this stage in the completion, little mistakes add up, and they were underbaked. That was the least of your problems this week, as your spring fling cake was missing kiwi, a key ingredient, and your Palisade peach pie was just too wet and soupy.
Diane: Sophia, the highlight of the week for you was your Palisade peach pie, which was among the judges’ favorites. Both Garry and Frances felt you took perfect advantage of the Palisade peach’s excessive sweetness. However, your sorghum cookies were over-salted and over-baked, resembling hockey pucks. And ever worse, your spring fling cake tasted bitter, possibly a result of the zucchini not being properly prepared.
Sam: It’s sad to let go of anyone at this stage, but the judges felt one of you struggled in a more noted and profound way this week, so we have to say goodbye to you, Allen.
Diane: It’s been a pleasure.
Sam: Join us next week for more Bake Your Heart Out, as Charlotte returns and we head to Phoenix!
Leslie: Cut! Perfect! Great job, ladies!
Sam: I’m always perfect, yes.
Paul: Gang, I have news!
Frances: That’s never good.
Leslie: Is this the rare instance of good news? Or should I sit down or find a stiff drink?
Paul: Uh, Jacqueline would like to talk to you.
Leslie: Stiff drink. Melanie!
Melanie: I’ll see if I can find some alcohol in the kitchen.
Leslie: Any will do.
Diane: I’ll take wine if they have any!
Sam: Do not get her wine, she acts wild when she drinks.
Diane: Not as wild as Garry and Frances!
Frances: One time…
Diane: And the sights of that one time still haunt me.
Paul: She’s on the line right now, waiting.
Leslie: I feel like I’m walking to my own execution.
Diane: It can’t be that bad!
Frances: Oh, it can be.
Diane: Way to cheer her up!
Leslie: Hand me the phone.
Paul: Jacqueline, I have located Leslie.
Jacqueline: I heard the entire conversation, you presumably forgot to put me on mute.
Paul: Whoops.
Jacqueline: Yeah, whoops.
Leslie: Jacqueline! Lovely to speak to you!
Jacqueline: I hear Charlotte’s skipped out on filming?
Leslie: For one episode, she’s just got a scheduling conflict.
Jacqueline: We pay her millions to eat cookies. There will be no further scheduling conflicts.
Leslie: I’m not sure if you’re aware, but she is an Academy Award winner.
Jacqueline: I’ve heard. I don’t care.
Leslie: She’s accrued great respect in Hollywood, and she gets invited to major film functions as a result, some of which she is contractually obligated to appear at. This won’t happen again.
Jacqueline: First and foremost, she has a contract with us. I won’t accept excuses again. This is your only warning — keep your cast in line. They need to learn to respect you.
Leslie: They respect me!
Jacqueline: The alternative here is that you willingly allowed someone to break their contract and skip filming to parade around a film festival. Is that better?
Leslie: Jacqueline, this was a one-time thing. She was given a talking-to over this and knows not to do it again.
Jacqueline: Yet, you allowed her to take the company jet?
Leslie: It was just going to sit idle for the week anyway!
Jacqueline: Not the point. You can’t reward disrespect to the network.
Leslie: You know what? Charlotte’s flying back to Denver in a few days, we’ll preserve all of this food and she can sample it and say her typical lines and then we can CGI her into the show and nobody will notice. Sound good?
Jacqueline: Yes!
Leslie: Oh my god, I was trying to show how ridiculous you sounded!
Jacqueline: And you inadvertently had a good idea. Congrats!
Leslie: It’ll take extra time to edit this episode.
Jacqueline: Good thing you have plenty of time!
Leslie: I’ll let you go, Jacqueline.
Jacqueline: Talk soon!
Leslie: My god, what a bitch.
Jacqueline: You did’t hang up yet.
Leslie: Whoops.
Three days later…
Charlotte: My dearest friends! I had a life-changing experience in Telluride. What a blast!
Sam: Will you shut up, man?
Leslie: Charlotte, I have news!
Charlotte: That’s never good.
Leslie: Instead of showing you fun places in Denver, Jacqueline insisted that we film you eating all of this week’s dishes so we can edit you into the show. Sound good?
Charlotte: How are you going to do that?
Leslie: The magic of editing!
Sam: Welcome back, Charlotte!
What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
