Put Me In/The Bullpen/Bar Exam Crossover: All In One





OPEN: The starting players for the Charleston Capitols, alongside the manager, are sitting in the dugout. CARTER is scheduled to start, his first in over a month. LEWIS, the manager, and RAY, the catcher, approach him as he sits alone.

LEWIS
You look nervous, Carter.

CARTER
As I should be.

RAY
What do you mean? Just do your thing and you’ll do fine.

CARTER
Did you not notice where we are and who we’re playing?

RAY
Yes, we’re in Indianapolis, Indiana and we’re playing the Indianapolis Primitives. The only people allowed in the crowd are the media, it’s not like their bullpen can distract the crowd from you this time.

CARTER
It’s not that. Their starters are amazing. I’d have to throw a no hitter to compete.

LEWIS
Look at it this way—

BEN, the second baseman, approaches.

BEN
Carter, I know you’re not excited about having to take a loss for your first game back, but don’t worry about it. We always lose to the Primitives.

CARTER
That is not very comforting at all.

BEN
I never said it was gonna be.

RAY
Ben, is that really the kind of pep talk we need?

BEN
It wasn’t a pep talk. I’m just telling it as it is.

LEWIS
We haven’t lost to the Primitives with Carter starting yet. Maybe he’ll buck the trend.

CARTER
Alright. You ready Ray?

RAY
Oh I’m not playing today, this is my day off.

CARTER
Ben, are you behind me?

BEN
Yeah, I’m at third base.

CARTER
Not second?

BEN
No, Nic and I switched. We’re playing the Primitives, not like we have a chance at winning.

CARTER
Hold on a second. Maybe the reason they always win is the other team gives up before the game even starts!

LEWIS
Nah that’s not it, we’ve tried that last season, lost eight nothing.

RAY
No, we were down eight nothing when you decided to leave. We ended up losing fifteen to nothing. And we were not that bad of a team either.

CARTER
Alright, since I’m getting less support than usual do you still expect me to go six innings, Lewis?

LEWIS
Eh, we’ll see how it goes. But our bullpen struggled with stamina with you gone, so aim for six. Good luck.

CARTER walks out of the dugout and onto the mound. He gets ready to throw the first pitch to ALLEN, the third-string catcher. The pitch is a strike. The crowd roars with applause. After he strikes out three batters, he walks back to the dugout.

CARTER
One down, five to go.

LEWIS
And you have the crowd cheering for you too!

CARTER
Technically. That small group of people spaced out behind the plate really shouldn’t be cheering for either team, but I guess they like me.

ALLEN
The media is one hundred percent on your side. They probably like you even more than regular fans do!

CARTER
At least I’ll have a confidence booster. You know what? I think these next five innings will be a breeze!

CARTER goes the next three innings without giving up any runs, and only one hit. His confidence is high going into the fifth inning. Getting ready to pitch, CARTER spits on the mound as a routine habit. The home plate umpire walks up to the mound, as does ALLEN.

HOME PLATE UMPIRE
Hey kid, no spitting on the mound.

CARTER
Seriously? Everyone does that!

ALLEN
Calm down Carter. Mr. Umpire Sir, it won't happen again.

Not sure what is going on, LEWIS walks up to the mound.

LEWIS
Everything okay over here?

HOME PLATE UMPIRE
I was just telling your pitcher not to spit on the mound.

LEWIS
Um...

HOME PLATE UMPIRE
New rule. You should be aware of it.

LEWIS
That just seems very arbitrary.

HOME PLATE UMPIRE
It's not. Don't worry about it, it's just an innocent mistake.

CARTER
It won't happen again.

The home plate umpire, ALLEN, and LEWIS all walk back to their respective positions. CARTER throws another solid inning and walks back to the dugout.

LEWIS
So now we know you can't spit on the mound.

CARTER
At least I got away with it.

BEN
You guys are talking as if you did some kind of crime! Come on Carter, one more inning and then you're done for the day.

LEWIS
Are you the coach, Ben?

BEN
No, but everyone knows that's what the situation is like.

LEWIS
True. Alright Carter, show them what you've got.

CARTER
Will do.

LEWIS (chuckling)
Hopefully you don't spit again!

CARTER laughs as he walks up to the mound. He strikes out the first batter. He spits on the ground, embarrassed right after. The home plate umpire makes a signal ejecting him from the game. CARTER holds his head down and walks back to the dugout. DAVID, another starting pitcher, greets him.

DAVID
Oh don't worry about it kid, we all make mistakes. Actually we don't, just you!

LEWIS
David, we get that you're jealous of Carter. Sit down. As for you, Carter-

CARTER
I swear I didn't do it on purpose.

LEWIS
I'm sure you didn't. Lucky you made it this far.

CARTER
Am I in trouble?

LEWIS
No, but you're two spits away from it. Time to make the call to the bullpen.

CUT to the bullpen of the Charleston Capitols. The phone is ringing. COACH DONOVAN answers.

COACH DONOVAN
You guys know the drill. Mike, you're in for the rest of the inning. Apparently spitting on the mound can now get you ejected so don't do it.

MIKE
Got it.

MIKE walks out onto the mound. He finishes the inning without giving up any runs. XAVIER and TYLER respectively pitch the seventh and eighth innings, neither giving up any runs. JAMES, the closer, goes into the game in the ninth inning. The Charleston Capitols are ahead of the Indianapolis Primitives, one run to none. JAMES strikes out two batters in a row. He throws the first pitch to the third batter, and it is a home run. ALLEN walks out to the mound.

JAMES
I blew the game. I can't believe this.

ALLEN
We were bound to lose to the Primitives. Surprised it took us this long.

JAMES
The game's still tied you know.

ALLEN
Right. So my thought is that you should throw the ball and get the next guy out.

JAMES
Seriously?

ALLEN
Yes, seriously. I'm not Ray, full of plans and whatnot.

ALLEN walks back to the plate. JAMES gives up two hits and a walk, loading the bases. He then pitches three balls and two strikes to the next batter. One more strike would send the game into extra innings. One more ball would give the Indianapolis Primitives the win. JAMES throws the pitch.



Every person in the bullpen of the Indianapolis Primitives is sitting on the bench in the bullpen. The game is tied in the bottom of the ninth inning. The Primitives have the bases loaded with a full count and two outs. 

FELIX
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I really hope this guy strikes out. 

MANNY
That’s a terrible thing to say! You want our team to risk losing to the Charleston Capitols? 

FELIX
No, but I want it to go to extra innings so I might be able to pitch.

MANNY
You’re not pitching, both of us are in the bullpen as punishment. 

HARRY
Don’t think of it as punishment. Think of it as a few snacks and a comfortable bench. 

MANNY
You are right, the bench is pretty comfortable...

ROBERT
It lights up in different colors too, but we’re only allowed to do that after the game and usually we leave before it ends. I’m actually surprised we’re all still here. 

ACE
This is a tight game so I doubt I’m going in. See you guys later?

ROBERT
Sure, bye.

MANNY
No Ace, you can’t leave.

ACE
Which one of you is the bullpen coach again?

MANNY 
Me.

ACE
So I can’t leave? 

MANNY
Nope. 

DEVIN
Wow. That ball is hard hit right at us!

As the ball continues to fly further towards the bullpen, the outfielder leaps and catches it. The game is going into extra innings.

ROBERT
Hey Coach?

MANNY
What is it?

ROBERT
Are we still allowed to have fantasy teams and can root against our own team at times?

MANNY
You used to do that?!

ROBERT
Um...no? Guess that answers my question. 

MANNY
Oh I’m just surprised. Sure, do whatever you want. 

FELIX
Seriously?

MANNY
What’s gonna happen to me, are they gonna demote me? Already happened.

FELIX
Fair enough. 

The phone in the bullpen rings.

MANNY
I say we ignore it. 

FELIX runs to the phone and answers it. He tries not to laugh while listening to the call. When he hangs up, he turns to the rest of the bullpen. 

FELIX
You guys aren’t going to believe this.

ROBERT
Hate to be a buzzkill, but I probably will believe it. 

FELIX
Have any of you studied up on the new rules?

Everyone looks around at one another.

HARRY
Does it have to do with cooking food in the bullpen?

FELIX
No, that’s still technically against the rules but nobody seems to care. What’s going on is they said that in extra innings, the team gets to start off the inning by having a runner on second base.  

ROBERT
Wait, what? That’s the weirdest rule I’ve ever heard!

MANNY
I’ve heard weirder. 

ROBERT
Not all of us are as well informed on the rules of baseball as you are. Also, why are they calling us about this? Seems pretty irrelevant. 

FELIX
Oh it’s very relevant to you, Robert. They want you to be the runner!

ROBERT
They actually trust me with that?!

FELIX
Not at all. They just figure that if the runner gets hurt, it won’t be a big blow to the team!

ROBERT
You know what? I can see the reasoning behind that.

ROBERT walks out to second base. He immediately starts running to third, attempting to steal a base. He is called out by the third base umpire.

ROBERT
Oh come on, I was clearly safe! I have my foot on the bag!

The third baseman for the Charleston Capitols, BEN, replies.

BEN
I’m not usually at third base and you’re not usually on the field at all, but I think we both know the rules are if you get tagged before you reach the base, you’re out.

ROBERT
Actually I forgot that rule. That’s embarrassing. 

ROBERT walks back to the bullpen. 

DEVIN
Look at it this way...there isn’t a huge crowd here to cheer at you being out. 

ACE
The local sports station’s website already has it. 

DEVIN
Already has what?

ACE
Robert’s attempt at being relevant on the field. 

HARRY
I’m seeing this being covered all over! There’s a lot of those media people here, after all. 

MANNY
There’s the same amount as always. Actually, maybe less.

HARRY (shrugging)
Huh. Guess you’re right. 

FELIX
We probably could have taken the lead there. Now it’s the bottom of the tenth and we still have the starting pitcher in!

ACE
I didn’t know starting pitchers went ten innings.

ROBERT
They’ll go however many innings it takes to win the game.

MANNY
I’m sorry but this just isn’t right.

DEVIN
It’s okay, the guy’s pitching really good. Maybe he has his lucky underwear on.

MANNY
Lucky underwear?

DEVIN
Yeah, you haven’t heard of it?

MANNY
I think it’s just because he’s a good pitcher.

FELIX
Maybe they’re resting us for another game.

HARRY (laughing)
That’s definitely not it.

MANNY
Honestly, I’m starting to get a little bored. No way would I have felt that way if I was still the manager.

ACE
Is it too early on in my career here for me to say I got bored in the fourth inning?

ROBERT
No, I got bored in the second.

MANNY
I’m going out there.

FELIX
What do you mean?

MANNY
I’m taking the pitcher out. I’m bored and he’s loaded up the bases.

ROBERT
You can’t do that. It’s against the rules! Probably.

MANNY
I’m doing it anyways!

MANNY walks out onto the field and approaches the mound. As he almost gets to the mound, the ball is hit right at his feet, and he stumbles. He accidentally blocks the ball, leading to a run scored and a loss for the Indianapolis Primitives. The crowd, all media reporters, stare in silence, as do the players on both teams. He walks back to the bullpen in silence. He hears members of the Charleston Capitols’ bullpen yelling to him, laughing.

MANNY
Well guys, guess I failed us there.

A long silence follows.

ROBERT
Are you kidding me? That was awesome! I was waiting for us to get blamed for something!

HARRY
Alright guys, my time here is done for today. I have to work at Lorenzo’s Kitchen now, anyone want to come?

All members of the Primitives’ bullpen follow HARRY to Lorenzo’s Kitchen, which is within walking distance of the ballpark.



The members of the Indianapolis Primitives’ bullpen follow Harry from the ballpark to Lorenzo’s Kitchen.

HARRY
Here we are everyone: Lorenzo’s Kitchen!

ACE
Is this place any good?

HARRY
Do you like bar food and cotton candy?

ACE
Who doesn’t?

HARRY
You’ll love it here.

HARRY starts to open the door. LORENZO runs toward him from inside the restaurant.

LORENZO
Hold up! You forgot your mask.

HARRY
Oh, I don’t have a mask, is that a problem?

LORENZO
Nope, luckily I have some right as you walk in.

ROBERT
These look...interesting.

LORENZO
They smell the way they look, too.

DEVIN
Huh?

LORENZO
Yeah. The cotton candy ones smell like cotton candy, the grilled cheese ones smell like grilled cheese, the nacho ones smell like nachos, the—

MANNY
Okay Lorenzo, we get it.

DEVIN
And how many masks do you have?

LORENZO
Six hundred and fifty seven.

ROBERT looks inside.

ROBERT
So I see you’re open for business.

LORENZO
Why wouldn’t I be? It’s Indianapolis, bars are allowed to be open. I just make everyone wear scented masks. And I don’t mean to brag, but I met a big celebrity today.

FELIX
Wow! Who?

LORENZO
Crap, I didn’t get his name. I’ll be back in a second, stay right there.

LORENZO walks away and quickly comes back with the person he was talking about.

LORENZO
Everyone, meet Carter. He’s a starting pitcher for the Charleston Capitols! A real baseball pitcher actually came to my restaurant!

ROBERT
Okay a couple of things there. First off, we’re also pitchers, technically. And second, we just played the Capitols today. We lost.

LORENZO
That’s impossible, you win every game. Well not you, but your team.

MANNY
We lost this one.

LORENZO
I hope there wasn’t anything I could’ve done to help the team win.

ROBERT
There wasn’t. Although, they probably would’ve made you be the second base runner in the tenth inning. That would’ve been hilarious.

LORENZO
Second base runner?

ROBERT
Long story. So where’s the food?

LORENZO
I have to make it. In the mean time, keep smelling those masks!

LORENZO walks away.

FELIX
So Carter, how does it feel to be a starter?

CARTER
Great! Hopefully I don’t blow it like you did. Crap, I didn’t mean to say that I swear!

FELIX
It’s okay, I can’t talk down to a celebrity after all.

CARTER
Am I...considered a celebrity?

FELIX
Lorenzo seems to think so.

ROBERT
To be fair Lorenzo doesn’t have the best judgement, but it is very possible you’re a celebrity. I wouldn’t know though, I’m just a guy who sits on a bench.

CARTER
Can I eat my grilled cheese now? It’s probably getting cold if Lorenzo hasn’t eaten it yet.

ACE
That’s what I’d do if I was you.

CARTER walks away. Members of the Charleston Capitols’ bullpen (XAVIER, MIKE, TYLER, JAMES, and COACH DONOVAN) approach the Primitives’ bullpen as they sit down at a table.

XAVIER
Nice going guys!

JAMES
Yeah, you didn’t have to win the game for us, really. So kind of you.

MANNY
Robert, are we being mocked?

ROBERT
No clue.

COACH DONOVAN
No, you’re not being mocked, we want to just genuinely thank you on giving us the win.

MIKE
Yeah, I was not expecting we would win that game at all.

TYLER
Thanks again guys!

XAVIER, MIKE, TYLER, JAMES, and COACH DONOVAN walk away.

ACE
Hey...who are those people at the bar?

ROBERT
Oh they come here all the time. They were studying to be lawyers last time I was here.

The members of the Indianapolis Primitives’ bullpen walk over to the bar. They meet REAGAN, SAM, ADAM, CHASE, LINCOLN, and MADISON.

REAGAN
Hey Robert!

ROBERT
You remember me?

REAGAN
How could anyone not? Lorenzo talks about you all the time.

ROBERT
Don’t know whether to be flattered or not.

FELIX
So what’s the whole deal here?

MADISON
It’s like most bars. You order something and get it.

LINCOLN
Actually, not so much anymore. Lorenzo basically just has us smell these masks. Hard for him to get ahold of the food suppliers these days. Gotta say, the idea is actually growing on me.

CHASE
Yeah, I get all the high from cotton candy without ever having to use it.

ACE
Wait a second...cotton candy is a drug?

CHASE
No.

ADAM
Chase has weird reactions to cotton candy.

RAY and LEWIS  from the Charleston Capitols approach.

LINCOLN
Too many people here at once now!

RAY
Oh I see, you don’t like me.

LINCOLN
Nah, I just like staying healthy.

LEWIS
That cheeseburger mask of yours says otherwise.

LORENZO walks over with food.

SAM
Um...none of us ordered yet?

LORENZO
It’s random day.

ACE
Random day?

CHASE
Sometimes Lorenzo wants to make something so badly that you get it whether you like it or not.

ROBERT
Are those waffle bowls?!?!

LORENZO
You bet they are. Still mad Garry didn’t have them at his cookout that one time.

ROBERT
Maybe these can be a hit for you!

LORENZO
Oh I’m not a batter. But I do make some good batter!

FELIX
Huh?

REAGAN
Don’t ask.

LORENZO
Just a little play on words.

ROBERT
So how’s this place holding up?

LORENZO
Alright. Although nobody ever wants to play Go Fish with me.

ROBERT
You actually like that? I thought it was just a way for you to pass time when you’re really bored.

LORENZO
It is?

DEVIN
Business slow?

LORENZO
No.

HARRY
I really don’t know how this place is still open.

LORENZO
We had to close down for months.

HARRY
I realize that, I work here.

REAGAN
Yeah, and me and the rest of us new lawyers come here regularly.

CHASE
Yeah by the way, Sam and I have to leave now for an engagement.

REAGAN
See you guys back in the office. And by that I mean video call.

LORENZO
Before everyone leaves, I have a couple announcements to make.

Everyone goes silent as they listen to what LORENZO has to say.

LORENZO
First, thanks everyone for wearing a mask. Without that, I couldn’t stay in business. We’re lucky we’re even allowed to open as it is. And second, go Primates!

ACE
By Primates, you mean Primitives...right?

LORENZO
Is that the name of the team? I could never really get that right. And also, thanks to Carter for stopping by! My first celebrity customer! And by the way, technically this place already closed. So, you don’t have to stay here but you can’t go home! Is that the phrase?

ROBERT
No Lorenzo, it isn’t. But since you’re closed, I guess it’s time for us all to leave. Hope to be back soon!

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