Raymond Island Season 1 Episode 4 - False Flag

Raymond Island Season 1, Episode 4
False Flag
Anthony rolls out of bed before Gretchen and walks out to the living room.
Lucinda: Anthony, we have a problem.
Anthony: Did your face crack a mirror again?
Lucinda: I know I have a reputation of being mean and that is -
Anthony: Entirely fair.
Lucinda: Mostly fair. However, I do love my daughter and I can’t stand to see her hurt.
Anthony: That’s a new one! Have you been going to a comedy class?
Lucinda: It’s true. I bring her down when I must, I keep her in check. This is worse than that.
Anthony: What’s going on? Does someone else want her recalled?
Lucinda: No, that’s not anything new. The Providence Gazette ran a front-page editorial about how ineffective and incompetent she is. It’s the only newspaper that endorsed her when she ran, it’s gonna be a whole thing if she sees it.
Anthony: I’ll throw out the paper today.
Lucinda: Can you keep her entertained all day as well? I already called Carol and told her she’s not coming in to work today. I assume it’ll be old news by tomorrow but for now, we need to hide it. She'll be so moody.
Anthony: I’ll try. I never mind spending the day with my wife. What are you going to do all day?
Lucinda: Nothing much. I guess I’ll join the two of you on whatever it is you’re going to do.
Gretchen: What the hell?
Anthony: What’s wrong, my love?
Gretchen: Can you believe the nerve of the Providence Gazette?
Lucinda: Well forget everything I just said. I can’t believe I wasted my alone time talking to Carol and convincing her Gretchen had a stomach bug.
Gretchen: You did what?
Anthony: Your mother wanted to hide the Providence Gazette editorial from you.
Lucinda: I did it out of love.
Anthony: I’m still undecided about that.
Gretchen: Mom, that’s so sweet. You’re always so mean to me, I can’t believe you actually tried to protect me like I’m a child. Most adults wouldn’t like that but you’re trying to be a mother and it makes me happy.
Lucinda: Don’t get too happy about it. I only did it to keep you from whining all week about it. I see now that it was silly because you’re taking it just fine.
Gretchen: You already told me you did it out of love because you thought I’d be mad about it. You played the wrong card.
Lucinda: Damn. Loose lips sink ships, Lucinda. Don’t over-explain.
Gretchen: Did anyone actually read the editorial?
Lucinda: No, I just saw it and immediately decided to bury it.
Anthony: Maybe it won’t be so bad. We should read it.
Gretchen: Okay. You two stay right here just in case.
Christina: What are you guys talking about out here? You’re so loud, it woke me up.
Gretchen: It’s seven o’clock, Christina. Maybe if you didn’t go to bed at four AM, you wouldn’t find this to be “early.”
Christina: I guess I’ll put my earplugs in and go back to bed.
Gretchen: That sounds like a good solution.
Lucinda: Alright, now can we read this story? I’m actually a bit curious. I wanna see if anything they said was crueler than I am.
Anthony: Spoiler alert: no.
Gretchen picks up the paper from the couch and reads aloud.
Gretchen: “Our Governor the Flag Waver.” What’s that supposed to mean?
Lucinda: Keep reading, maybe they’ll tell you.
Gretchen: “Rhode Island is in the midst of its worst economic crisis in decades, but you can’t tell by looking at our governor.”
Lucinda: Can we skip to the juicy part?
Gretchen: Sure. Let me scan over it. Okay, this is roughly awful. “Governor Raymond’s official website is filled mostly with updates on how to fly the flag at the state capitol. The few announcements she does make about the economy or legislation that will impact the state is buried by orders of flying the capitol flag at half-staff for whatever tragedy it is on that particular day. We should call Gretchen Raymond what she is: Rhode Island’s Director of Flags, not our Governor.”
Anthony: That wasn’t that bad.
Gretchen: Oh, there’s more.
Fifteen minutes later…
Gretchen: “The next time she flies the flag at half-staff, it should be to commemorate her career.”
Lucinda: That wasn’t great.
Gretchen: If was six pages long. Of course it wasn’t great.
Lucinda: In my defense, I only thought it was one page. I wouldn’t have made you read six.
Anthony: They just don’t like your website design, that’s not a big deal.
Lucinda: You just said that but you should not have.
Anthony: What did I say wrong?
Gretchen: They basically said I don’t do anything as governor but order the flags to be flown differently every few days and your takeaway was that they didn’t like my website. Sometimes it isn’t helpful to grasp at straws looking for positivity.
Anthony: Sorry.
Gretchen: I think I should go talk to Carol to see if there’s anything I can do to fix this mess. Maybe the assembly has some bill I can publicly back.
Lucinda: I wouldn’t do that. You just know that would result in the bill failing.
Gretchen: I know. I’ll figure something else out. Maybe I can sign an executive order or something. We still have Columbus Day here for some reason, maybe I can get rid of that.
At Gretchen’s office…
Carol: Gretchen, my goodness! You look so pale! I can’t believe you’re in the office.
Gretchen: Pale? This is my face.
Susana: Oh mom, I forgot to tell you. Mrs. Raymond called and said Governor Raymond didn’t really come down with the stomach flu and that she’d be in today.
Carol: Gretchen I’m sorry. You look great!
Gretchen: I apparently don’t, but that’s not the problem at hand. Did you see the story in the paper?
Susana: The Providence Gazette?
Gretchen: That rag.
Carol: I’m sorry. You’ve had a rough go of it lately.
Gretchen: Yeah. Yeah, I have. What are we going to do about it though? I’d suggest we think of something over a round of golf but that’s not allowed according to the ole’ Gazette.
Carol: I do think it’s best if we don’t golf. Last week was traumatizing enough.
Susana: You’re just sad because I beat you.
Carol: I am not. I can accept a loss fair and square.
Susana: I don’t know if you can.
Gretchen: Guys! Figure this out at home. I can’t afford even more people being angry at me. Especially not the only paper that’s ever had faith in me. I have to prove that I’m effective.
Just then, Gretchen receives a call.
Lucinda: Gretchen, I’m sorry to bother you. Though, I know you aren’t working that hard anyway.
Gretchen: I just spoke to you a half hour ago minutes ago, you know I’m working hard.
Lucinda: Yeah, I know. I’ve just been far too nice to you today. I had to balance it out.
Gretchen: Mom, what are you calling about? I’m very busy. I have a lot of “not getting recalled” to do today.
Lucinda: We have a situation.
Gretchen: Mom, I don’t have time for riddles.
Lucinda: Your brother and sister are here.
Gretchen: Mary and Eddie are here? In Rhode Island?
Lucinda: Yes, and your sister brought her service animal.
Gretchen: Service animal?
Lucinda: It’s a ferret. Named Sparkles.
Gretchen: I’m coming home.
Carol: You’re what?
Lucinda: Good. I don’t know what they want but I’m scared and Anthony stepped out for lunch so I don’t know how to entertain them.
Gretchen: I’ll be home in a few minutes. Just hold tight Maybe put the news on.
Lucinda: And hear from your brother about how much of an idiot the president is and how her and the liberal elites are destroying America? Pass. We’ll watch the Baking Channel and we’ll like it.
Gretchen: Whatever you want. See you soon.
Gretchen hangs up.
Carol: What’s going on? Why are you going home so soon?
Susana: Yeah, I just got your coffee!
Gretchen: I’ll take it for the road. I’ll need it. Maybe spiked with vodka.
Carol: What is wrong?
Gretchen: My siblings are back in town.
Susana: You have siblings?
Gretchen: I know, I know. I never talk about them. I do have a picture of them on my desk though from when we were kids.
Susana: I just thought those were your kids.
Carol: Susana, come on. The picture is in black and white!
Gretchen: It’s in sepia tone.
Carol: Same things.
Susana: Why don’t you ever talk about them?
Gretchen: My mom and I have a complicated relationship with Mary and Eddie.
Carol: Wait, you’re Lucinda’s favorite kid?
Gretchen: I know. I sometimes can’t believe it myself.
Susana: What happened between you guys?
Gretchen: Nothing horrible, we just grew apart. My mom got really angry with them when they announced they were moving to Virginia.
Carol: Why have you never told me this?
Gretchen: I don’t talk about it much. It hurts to not have that relationship with them that other people have with their siblings. Especially with such a witch of a mother.
Susana: I couldn’t imagine that.
Carol: That better have been genuine.
Susana: Governor Raymond, if I may ask. Your brother and sister have a pretty big age gap. How did they go to college at the same time?
Gretchen: They didn’t. Eddie went and stayed down there and seven years after he left, Mary went with him. It hurt their relationship with mom and I sided with mom and they got angry with me. It’s been over twenty years but things are still awkward. It got better lately but we still fight way too much and don’t see each other more than once or twice a year. That time is always around the holidays so imagine my surprise when I got the call that they turned up together at my house. I have to go see what’s up.
Carol: We understand. We’ll keep trying to think of something you can do to prove you’re dedicated and hard-working and do things other than change where the flag is flying.
Gretchen: Thank you. Call me if you two think of anything.
Susana: By the way, former state representative Carol Montclair died last night. Should I?
Gretchen: Yeah, you know what to do. Half-staff.
Gretchen heads out of the capitol building and towards her car when she runs into Samantha.
Samantha: Governor Raymond, what a surprise to see you here!
Gretchen: What the hell do you want? You’re a turncoat. Benedictina Arnold!
Samantha: I did what I had to do. You’re so unpopular, I had to save myself somehow. I’m not going down with the ship. I’m not the captain!
Gretchen: You were helping me stop Hank from supporting the recall and then you turned around and backed it alongside him. We were finally working together and then you went and did that. I have nothing to say to you. I might have to endorse you when you run for Governor just to spite you! Now if you excuse me, I have to go.
Samantha: Yeah, you probably have a flag to pull halfway down.
Gretchen: Always you with the low blows. Totally, utterly classless.
Samantha: At least I won’t be jobless after the recall election.
Gretchen gets in her car and drives off, pulling into the driveway a half-hour after Lucinda called her. Lucinda sees her pull in and runs out to her car.
Gretchen: Mom, you sure are happy to see me. You ran to greet me like you’re the family golden retriever.
Lucinda: Why are you so late? It’s so awkward in there. I had to make tea! Tea! It’s just bad coffee!
Gretchen: I can’t believe you just said that during Pride Month!
Lucinda: Pride Month was last month. Now stop joking around, and get in here to break up this weirdness.
Gretchen; I don’t know why I didn’t rush home to this. It’s so nice. Feeling awkward in my home is a feeling I’ve always wanted.
Lucinda: Just come on. I have Anthony in here entertaining them now and that’s just not enough. They might leave just because of that.
Gretchen: Fine, I’m coming in.
Gretchen and Lucinda walk back into the house, where they see Gretchen’s sister Mary and brother Eddie lounging on her couch.
Gretchen: Mary! Eddie! It’s so nice to see you. And so nice to see your shoes on my new chenille couch.
Mary: Oh Gretch, you always did worry about the silliest things.
Gretchen (through her teeth): Uh-huh.
Mary: Lighten up Gretch! You’re always so tense. Just choose love and tranquility. That’s what Marianne Williamson told me.
Gretchen: If Marianne Williamson told you to jump off a bridge would you do that too?
Eddie: Girls, stop fighting! We’re here to catch up and have family time.
Gretchen: That’s what I was just about to ask. Why are you here?
Mary: That’s very blunt.
Lucinda: Really though kids, what’s up? You never come to see your dear old mom.
Gretchen: And where’s your wonderful husband Patrick, Mary?
Mary starts sobbing.
Gretchen: Oh my goodness, I’m sorry Mary. I didn’t mean to make you cry.
Toby: Here’s a tissue, aunt Mary.
Mary: Thank you, boy child.
Eddie: You can’t assume gender these days! Did I woke correctly, Gretchen?
Lucinda: Shut up, Edward.
Gretchen: Mary, is something wrong? You’re very emotional at the mention of Patrick.
Mary starts sobbing again.
Gretchen: Oops, sorry. You also just popped in out of nowhere with no warning.
Mary: We were trying to tell you before but the emotions overtook me first. We’re moving back to Rhode Island!
Gretchen: Oh my lord. That’s… wonderful.
Mary: You don’t sound enthused.
Gretchen: I’m just surprised. You barely even come up here anymore and now you’re moving here. It’s all so out of the blue.
Eddie: Mary, you should tell them.
Lucinda: Tell us what?
Anthony: I’m just gonna step out to refill everyone’s tea.
Gretchen: Sit down, Anthony.
Anthony: Okay darling.
Mary: Patrick and I are getting divorced. He left me for his co-worker. He says she gives him more space. I guess my loving him was too much.
Gretchen: Oh, thank god. I mean, I’m sorry you’re getting divorced but I thought you were dying or something. Mary Raymond Hoffman did have a nice flow to it though so it's a shame you're losing that name.
Lucinda: What’s with you and dying, Gretchen? You have a very sick mind.
Mary: I’m not dying, except emotionally. I just couldn’t stay down in Virginia where I might bump into them at any moment at the grocery store or the doctor’s office or the movies.
Eddie: And I’m moving with her because I have nothing keeping me down in Virginia either. Hannah lost her job last month and I’m made enough money that I can be out of work for a while until I get a new job.
Gretchen: So, when’s the big move. Obviously it’s not today because Hannah isn’t here and neither are any of Mary’s little rugrats. 
Mary: Next month. We’re going to stay up here at your place this weekend while we go look for places. We already narrowed it down to just a few!
Gretchen: I’m glad to learn you’ll be staying in my house this weekend. Thanks for letting me know.
Mary: Oh Gretchey, are you mad?
Gretchen: No. Everything is fine. I’m just happy we’re all gonna be back together as a family. Hopefully, we can let the past just be the past and move on.
Lucinda: That sounds wonderful, kids!
Eddie: Gretch, I saw the paper today when Mary and I stopped at McDonald’s. They really went after you.
Gretchen: They did? I didn’t know. What paper?
Mary: The Providence Gazette! I couldn’t believe how much they kept crap they kept talking about you.
Gretchen: Good, I’ll look it up. I always love finding reasons to feel bad about myself.
Mary: That’s not what we were doing at all, I’m sorry you feel that way.
Gretchen’s phone starts ringing.
Gretchen: Gotta take this one, I told my chief of staff Carol to call and it’s probably her.
Lucinda: Be quick, Gretchen. We have a lot to catch up on.
Mary: And Eddie and I are exhausted, we’ve been up since three.
Anthony: Do you guys want to take a nap?
Gretchen: I’m just gonna step over here if you guys are gonna keep talking.
Gretchen answers her phone.
Carol: Gretchen, bad news. I need you to get to Smithfield. There was an explosion at a farm there. You have to do a press conference and brief the state on it.
Gretchen: Oh my god, Carol! Finally some good news! I’ll be there in twenty minutes if there’s no traffic. Text me the address.
Carol: Good news? A family lost their home.
Gretchen: That’s not good. But at least I can show off my crisis management. Maybe I can even make an executive order about farm safety or some crap. And I also get away from my family!
Carol: I admire your ability to look on the bright side of life. See you soon.
Gretchen hangs up.
Gretchen: I’ll see you guys later! I finally get to do something as governor! Gotta prove the haters wrong.
Anthony: You’re gonna miss out on a game of Yahtzee.
Mary: You wouldn’t win anyway, though. I’m undefeated.
Christina: You’ve never played with Toby. He always wins.
Lucinda: That’s just because Gretchen lets him cheat every single time.
Gretchen: It breaks my heart to miss this, but I do have to do. See you tonight! Gretch has an explosion site to go visit!
Mary: You’re excited about that? You’re sick!
Lucinda: Shame on you, Gretchen. Saying something so awful with such glee.

What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below, and make sure to return for a new episode next Monday, on our new night and time!

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