Bake Your Heart Out Season 2 Episode 3 - The Newport Regatta

Bake Your Heart Out Season 2, Episode 3
The Newport Regatta

The Bake Your Heart Out gang arrives at their resort after a long day of traveling.
Sam: Is this really our hotel?
Diane: It does seem a bit pricy for Paul to be paying for. He is notorious for being cheap.
Leslie: He wants the best for us while we’re here in Rhode Island.
Sam: If he really wanted the best for us, he’d be paying for separate rooms for Diane and me. She has the right to get trashed in private.
Leslie: You have a lockout room, just because you don’t have two separate room numbers doesn’t mean you’re staying in the same room.
Sam: It kinda does.
Frances: You guys can argue all you want, but I’m tired. Garry, wanna go check in?
Garry: Might as well. We’ll let them converse while we actually get our rooms, unpack, and relax at long last.
Sam: Yeah, we’re completely fine with you guys doing extra work and talking with people. It’s probably best that Garry does it anyway. No one’s gonna ask him for an autograph. Diane and I would get stopped.
Garry: You don’t have to be mean.
Leslie: Have you met her?
Frances and Garry walk up to the front desk.
Karen: Welcome to the Riviera Inn in beautiful Newport, Rhode Island! 
Frances: You know, when I saw what the hotel was called, I thought it was going to have an Italian theme. You know, riviera is an Italian word.
Karen: Ma’am, I didn’t name the hotel. You’d have to take that up with my manager.
Frances: I was just making small talk, dear. No worries.
Garry: We are here to check-in for three rooms. One is down under Garry Mollen.
Frances: The other is down under Frances Conner and Leslie Clark. The third is down under Diane Smith and Sam Ellwood.
Karen: Can I see identification?
Garry: Here you go.
Frances: Here’s my ID. It’s from a few years ago so I may have aged a bit since then.
Karen: You look exactly the same! You look great!
Frances: Why thank you!
Garry: You’re gonna have to wait for one of those knuckleheads to get over here for the third room.
Frances: Diane! Get over here! We need your ID!
Diane: Oh, sorry! Sam and I have just been arguing over what time it is.
Sam: My watch says it’s a quarter 'til six, hers says it’s five after six. Which is right?
Karen: It’s five fifty-five.
Leslie: I told you you were both idiots.
Frances: Diane, ID, please.
Diane: Here you go!
Karen: Okay, this all checks out. Let me grab your room keys and get you all the starter materials. We provide a complimentary book full of resort amenities and a map to your room. Just return it to the front desk when you check out.
Frances: Hear that, Diane? No stealing the book.
Diane: I would never.
Garry: You would.
Diane: Yeah, I would.
Karen: I’m a little worried now.
Diane: Don’t be! I’ll be on my best behavior.
Karen walks away to grab the room keys and returns a few minutes later.
Garry: Thank you for your help!
Karen: Do you need anything else before you go?
Garry: Actually, we’re here for work and have another few days before our job begins.
Karen: Oh, you’re the Bake Your Heart Out folks, aren’t you? You’re renting your rooms for months!
Garry: That’s us! I was wondering what there is to do around here that we could see without much planning. We’ve only got three days and my wife is arriving in two days so really we don’t even have all three days for fun.
Diane: That’s cold, Garry.
Garry: I didn’t mean it like that, I just mean that we won’t be able to be out doing stuff when she gets here, I’ll have to help her unpack.
Karen: I got what you mean. Now, you guys are lucky. You’re in town just in time for the Newport Regatta! It starts tomorrow, it’s a big tourist event, people love coming to see it.
Frances: Is that something else that sounds Italian but isn’t at all Italian?
Karen: Afraid so.
Frances: Ah well.
Sam: Regatta is a cheese, right?
Frances: Don’t be an idiot, that’s ricotta!
Sam: Sorry I didn’t go to Italy in the hiatus, Frances.
Frances: You should know what cheese is, Sam.
Garry: Let’s let Karen talk. Please.
Karen: Here’s a brochure for the event. Look over it and see what you think! Is that all you wanted?
Garry: Yeah, we’re good. I guess we’ll try to go to this, thanks.
Karen: If you need anything, I’m here until eleven!
Garry: Thanks!
Frances: Garry and I are going to our rooms. You three keep chatting if you want. It’s none of my business if you want to look insane in the lobby.
Leslie: I’ll be up then, Frances.
Diane: You can come up to our room to talk if you don’t want to talk here.
Sam: Can she?
Diane: Yes!
Sam: Oh, fine.
Frances: Alright then, let’s go. You guys have a lot to carry.
Diane: Oh my god, that’s right! Karen, do you have our boxes here?
Karen: I have two boxes for Diane Smith, two for Sam Ellwood, one for Garry Mollen, one for Frances Conner, and three for Leslie Clark. That’s you guys if my memory from five minutes ago doesn’t fail me.
Diane: Yes!
Frances: Three boxes Leslie? Did you pack up all your cupboards?
Leslie: No! Just the essentials.
Frances: I got mine in one box.
Leslie: Do you ever think maybe you live more simply than we do? They’re lifelong Californians. I was the daughter of a wealthy Oklahoman rancher. You’re from humble beginnings in rural Michigan.
Frances: Do not insult my Michigander values.
Sam: Frances is from Michigan? No wonder she sounds like that!
Diane: It’s not like she ever talks about it.
Frances: Shut up. Both of you, shut up.
Garry: Oh my god!
Frances: What is it, Garry? Did you just remember you’re in Rhode Island? It is horrifying.
Garry: No! I just noticed Charlotte isn’t here.
Frances: You just noticed that? That’s even more ignorant than Sam not knowing the difference between regatta and ricotta.
Garry: Where is she?
Charlotte appears in the stairwell.
Charlotte: I’m right here, darling.
Garry: You were not there all along.
Charlotte: Of course I wasn’t!
Garry: Where did you come from?
Frances: Garry, how don’t you remember!
Sam: Yeah, Garry!
Garry: Quiet, Ms. “regatta is cheese.”
Charlotte: l left early! I told you all last night at dinner but I understand you not remembering, there’s a lot going on.
Garry: Speaking of which, Frances, did you leave Mr. Snuggles in the car?
Frances: Oh my god, I have to get him! You guys are gonna love getting to know him better over these next months! Especially you, Leslie.
Sam: I, for one, will not. Cats frighten me. My grandmother had one named Princess that bit me. She called it “Love Bug” for some reason.
Diane: Come on, Sam. Who doesn’t love cats? What about Garfield or Sylvester?
Sam: Ugh, Sylvester. What an idiot. Team Tweety.
Frances: I think we’ve all now become the crazy people that talk in a lobby so let’s get moving. You guys get your bags, I’ll get my little snuggly angel.
The next day…
Garry: Frances! Leslie! Get up!
Frances opens up the door to her and Leslie’s room.
Frances: Garry. It is seven in the morning and we’re on a vacation that will last for three more days. What do you want?
Frances: It’s ten o’clock!
Frances: It’s what?
Diane: You slept in, Frances! We’re already showered and ready to go.
Sam: This boat thing doesn’t start until noon but for some reason, Garry thought it would be nice to get brunch together.
Garry: That’s because it will be nice! We never eat together.
Diane: Garry…
Garry: What?
Sam: I’ve seen you down far too many cheeseburgers to take that comment seriously, big boy.
Garry: Point taken.
Charlotte: I’ve never really eaten out with you guys, I think he’s doing something nice.
Frances: Well, uh, Leslie and I will have to meet you at the regatta. We don’t have time to get ready in time to both eat out and get to the water for the kickoff.
Leslie: What’s this about Leslie and I?
Diane: Leslie! You’re not in pajamas!
Frances: Why didn’t you wake me up?
Diane: I thought you wanted to sleep in!
Frances: I never sleep this late! I even set this alarm for seven-thirty, which is what time the alarm now says it is.
Leslie: I’m sorry. I think your alarm may be defective though since it’s ten.
Frances: I know now that it’s ten! I can’t believe you guys are seeing me look like this! At least come in and close the door in case there’s paparazzi out there. I have a mouthguard in!
Garry: We’re gonna get going. You meet us at the water, just get showered, get your mouthguard out, and get something to eat.
Leslie: I’ll leave the car here for you.
Frances: I would hope so.
Two hours later, at the oceanfront…
Leslie: Where is Frances? I’m getting worried. The woman can barely take care of herself, I don’t know how she’s made it through life to be quite honest with you.
Garry: Surely it’s not that bad.
Leslie: You ever make popcorn, Garry?
Garry: Of course I have!
Leslie: Not Frances. Not from a bag, at least. She put it in the microwave for ten minutes last night before we sat down to watch TV. I don’t know how she manages to dress herself.
Frances: What was that about?
Garry: Frances, you’re here!
Frances: Of course I’m here. I know it’s amazing I didn’t wander into traffic yet but -
Leslie: I didn’t say that!
Frances: You may as well have.
Sam: Yeah, you were way out of line, Leslie.
Leslie: I’m sorry, Frances. I see now that I was rude and off-base.
Sam: Look at my impact. I should run for president.
Diane: You couldn’t be worse than the current one. Or the one before her.
Garry: Hey, Tom Neuberg is my friend!
Diane: I wouldn’t let people know that.
Garry: I didn’t vote for him, but I’m proud of our friendship.
Diane: Proud of befriending an impeached criminal?
Garry: He’s always been nice to me.
Diane: Because you’re a white, straight, privileged rich man.
Sam: And not a proud Latina like Diane.
Diane: Did I say that, Sam?
Sam: I’m sorry I started this conversation.
Frances: Anyway, where are the boats?
Garry: They’re out there.
Frances: Those things? What are those? Not boats, Garry.
Garry: I know you’re a baking expert but that doesn’t make you a boating expert.
Frances: I know what a boar looks like. Those aren’t boats. Boats have motors!
Garry: It’s a regatta! The fun is in the sailing. It’s not a motorboat race!
Frances: But that would be more fun.
Sam: Forgive her, she’s from Michigan. I think they think that’s fun there. They’ve got lots of lakes there, she probably went out on them and raced her friends in them.
Frances: That’s not at all what Michigan is like. My family couldn’t afford a boat, we went out in our friend’s pontoon occasionally, that is the slowest boat imaginable. I fell off that boat and had to swim to shore because my parents wouldn’t come back for me. I never went in the water again. Not on a boat and not swimming.
Leslie: That’s a lot to unpack, Frances.
Frances: You think I don’t know that? So, back to today’s “fun” activity. Why exactly are we standing here watching people sailing on “boats.” Why is that fun?
Diane: Rich white guys like Garry love boats. It’s their favorite “sport.”
Garry: Are you in a bad mood today or something?
Diane: Sam wanted to wash her laundry from the week in New York and she decided to do it at night and it kept me up because the washer is so loud.
Sam: I put the laundry in at ten o’clock. You’re not ninety and you don’t have a job that you have to get up early for. Who goes to bed before then?
Diane: I do! Sometimes. Like last night.
Frances: So no one has an answer for why this is fun or why we’re here. Cool.
Garry: It’s Rhode Island, Frances? What the hell else are we going to do? Go look at the houses of old dead rich people? That’s not fun.
Sam: We could go to the Tennis Hall of Fame. You know I love Billie Jean King, us old lesbians have to stick together.
Diane: Ah yes, tennis. The sport of wealthy white women.
Frances: Can we at least sit down if we have to be here? I’d like to relax in the shade while I drink this overly sweet lemonade and eat this pretzel while I reconsider the choices I made in my life that led to me being stuck in Rhode Island for three months.
Garry: Yes, let’s sit. I brought a beach towel.
Frances: And now I have to actually sit on the ground! I’m old, I don’t know if I’m coming back up after that!
Garry: Fine, we’ll go over to the bench.
Frances: Thank you!
Garry walks over to the bench and sits down, setting items in the seats next to him to reserve them. A man, Clark, approaches him.
Clark: Hey, what do you think you’re doing?
Garry: I’m sitting watching the regatta.
Clark: Not there you aren’t.
Garry: Why not? It’s not like anyone was sitting in them.
Clark: I reserved those. You have to reserve them online during this event, how don’t you know that?
Garry: I’m sorry.
Clark: No you’re not. You’re one of a million rich famous people that thinks you get to trample on us little guys just because of who you are.
Garry: I don't know if I’d call myself famous. I’ve been told by many people that I’m not very popular or liked.
Clark: Stop excusing your behavior and stop giving me sob stories.
Garry: I’m getting up, don’t freak out.
Charlotte: Garry, what’s going on?
Clark: What, did you bring your British friend in for backup?
Charlotte: I don’t appreciate your tone.
Clark: I don’t appreciate your voice. It sounds like you’re judging me.
Garry: I can’t even believe this. Wouldn’t have happened if we just sat in the damn beach blanket.
Frances: Garry, why do you look like you’re about to cry?
Garry: I think this guy’s gonna kill me. I think I’m dying today.
Frances: Don’t be silly! If anyone’s killing you today, it’s me. And I don’t think you’re worth going to jail for.
Garry: You mean it?
Frances: Yes, I promise.
Clark: You’re Frances from Bake Your Heart Out!
Frances: Indeed!
Clark: I just started watching that last season!
Frances: You’re the only one.
Clark: You’re great on it! I didn’t know he was friends with you.
Frances: I don’t know if I’d say we’re friends…
Garry: Frances!
Frances: Fine, we’re friends.
Clark: All I ask is you let me have my seats, I don’t want any trouble.
Frances: That sounds good to me. Have a nice day.
They walk back over to Sam and Diane, who are in line for lemonade and pretzels.
Charlotte: Why didn’t he recognize me if he recognized you, Frances?
Frances: I don't know, Charlotte. Don't focus on people that are obviously not altogether there mentally.
Garry: He probably thinks all British people are the same. He seemed xenophobic.
Charlotte: That must be it!
Frances: Come on now, Garry. Let’s go lay down your blanket and watch these sailboats. At least it’s more relaxing than watching you get beat up.

What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below and make sure to return next week for another all-new episode!

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