Bake Your Heart Out Season 2 Episode 2 - Down & Out At the Upfronts

Bake Your Heart Out Season 2, Episode 2
Down & Out At the Upfronts

The entire Bake Your Heart Out crew has just landed in LaGuardia Airport.
Sam: I forgot how much of a sh*thole this place is.
Leslie: It’s an airport, they’re all like this.
Charlotte: I think Heathrow is nice!
Sam: We get it, Charlotte. You’re English.
Charlotte: I don’t talk about it that much!
Sam: No, but your voice always sounds… like that, so it’s a constant reminder.
Leslie: Be nice!
Diane: She really was quite lovely during the break.
Sam: Yeah, you guys bring out the worst in me!
Leslie: Gee, thanks.
Charlotte: Hey, Garry?
Garry: Yeah?
Charlotte: Where are your wife and your baby? They have to be coming with, we’re going to be gone for months.
Garry: Oh, they aren’t coming to New York. They’re flying straight out to Rhode Island next week. Didn't feel like dragging them here for the week.
Charlotte: Oh, that makes sense.
Diane: Did you ever figure out who you were going to get to babysit?
Garry: Unfortunately.
Frances: That’s not encouraging.
Garry: Carly’s mom is coming with us.
Sam: Oh! Your time in Rhode Island is gonna suck!
Garry: I know. I’m still having trouble processing it.
Frances: My husband didn’t enjoy living with his in-laws. Sure, they were his brother and sister-in-law and not his mother-in-law or father-in-law, but still, he didn’t enjoy it. Made my life much worse too. So, you have that to look forward to!
Garry: Thanks for raising my spirits!
Sam: Where is Nicolle?
Diane: Yeah, I’m still wondering how she’s gonna pick us up considering how much luggage I brought.
Sam: We will make it work.
Leslie: Worst-case scenario, you can put some of the luggage in my taxi with me! I didn’t bring much, I mostly shipped my stuff to Rhode Island.
Diane: I see now that that’s what I should’ve done. I did that with one box I had but I don’t need much of this stuff for this week.
Leslie: Don’t dwell on it, it’ll be fine!
Sam: I see Nicolle!
Diane: Go run to her, you know you want to
Nicole: Sam! I’ve missed you so much!
Sam: Give me a kiss!
Charlotte: Aww, love!
Frances: Gross.
Charlotte: Frances! Are you homophobic?
Frances: Of course not!
Leslie: Like Diane and I, Frances is jealous of love.
Charlotte: How could you not love love?
Frances: Get to my age and be somewhat-recently divorced and then let me know.
Charlotte: You’re only ten years older than me.
Frances: What?
Diane: Yeah, what? You are almost fifty? I thought you were in your thirties!
Leslie: Is that why you’ve been calling her “kid?”
Diane: Yes! I thought I was like twice her age!
Charlotte: I’m forty-six.
Frances: That is a fact that I genuinely refuse to believe.
Garry: You know, you guys shouldn’t be so down. I found Carly late in life.
Diane: You’re a man. It’s way harder for women as old as us.
Frances: Leslie’s not that old.
Leslie: Thank you!
Frances: Me and Diane are, you know, far closer to the end of our stories than the beginning.
Diane: That is a fact that I genuinely refuse to believe.
Frances: You think you’re clever!
Diane: I know I am!
Sam: Diane! We have to go!
Diane: Oh, sorry!
Leslie: We will see you all on Tuesday. Enjoy your long weekend. Call if anything happens, Frances will want to stay up-to-date.
Frances: Us girls are sharing a room at The Plaza!
Leslie: Garry is staying in his own room. We thought because he was staying with Carly but now we’re learning that it’s just because he’s anti-social.
Frances: Shame, Garry. Shame.
Diane rushes to Nicolle’s car with her bags. Five minutes later, they leave the airport.
Diane: Nicolle, it feels like forever since I’ve seen you! How are you?
Nicolle: I’m good. I miss you guys! I’ve been so busy at work that I haven’t found any time to fly back out to LA. Thankfully Sam and I spent a lot of time together during the filming break.
Sam: And it’s somehow still been two months since we’ve seen each other. I’m so glad to see you again, even if I am far better suited for LA than New York.
Nicolle: I am trying to get transferred back to LA, they just don’t have any work for me out there.
Sam: It’s okay! We have this week, and you can come up to Rhode Island on some weekends. It’s just a three-hour drive.
Diane: You know, I usually hate love but I don’t mind you two. You guys are very sweet together.
Nicolle: Speaking of sweet… are you glad to be back on the show? It was such a long hiatus. What, like eight months.
Diane: Don’t remind me. I wish I physically could relax all day, but my body just won’t let me. I’ll miss those months but I know it’s best to stay working.
Nicolle: I can relate. I’m a workaholic myself.
Sam: Yeah, well, you actually work. You’re one of the country's most acclaimed and beloved journalists. Diane and I talk about cookies.
Diane: And make jokes! They can’t do it without us, Paul said so!
Nicolle: It’s not a competition, you guys. All of our work is necessary for different reasons. I inform people, you entertain them. It’s all valid.
Diane: I have missed your sane, reasoned perspective.
Sam: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Diane: Leslie’s the only one in our group that I’d say is normal.
Sam: Well Frances certainly isn’t and you aren’t but I think the rest of us are okay!
Diane: I’m going to let you continue believing that.
Nicolle: You’re a lot sassier than I remember, Diane!
Diane: Thank you for noticing!
One hour later…
Nicolle: We’re here!
Diane: I can’t believe I’ve never been to your apartment before.
Sam: You should’ve come with me when I came to visit her! That way you could’ve seen that carrying six bags up the stairs is gonna be a real bitch.
Diane: I’ll be fine!
Sam: Okay. If you insist.
Nicolle: Let’s go up to the apartment! You two have had a long day and you need to relax! I already made us dinner!
Diane: It’s only four-thirty.
Nicolle: I know, we won’t eat it now. I’m just saying it’s ready so we call all chill today and not have anything to worry about.
Diane: Oh. okay. Thank goodness.
Sam: Diane eats dinner at like seven. She’s an unusual geriatric.
Diane: Wow, Sam. I’m not even ten years older.
Nicolle: You’re only five years older than me.
Diane: Yeah! Take that!
Sam: I’m just kidding! Now let’s go up. We have four flights of stairs and at least two trips to make.
Fifteen minutes later…
Sam: Diane, come on! You look like you’re dying back there.
Diane: I’m not very fast, these stairs are terrible and my suitcase is sooooo heavy.
Sam: Do you need me to help? I’m only carrying this handbag that I stuffed with my shoes and toiletries.
Diane: That would be great.
Sam: Alright, let’s swap.
In the process of switching bags, Diane loses grip on her luggage, dropping it on her foot and sending her flying down the stars.
Sam: Diane! Are you alive?
Nicolle (running down from another floor): What happened?
Sam: Diane fell down the stairs.
Diane: Don’t worry about me. Is my suitcase okay? That cost me a lot of money.
Sam: Oh, Diane! You made me actually fear for someone else. Don't ever do that to me again!
Diane: I’m sorry. Now can you help me up?
Sam walks down the stairs and helps Diane up.
Diane: Ouch! My leg!
Sam: I thought you said not to worry?
Diane: You can worry now! It’s broken!
Nicolle: I’ll call an ambulance.
Diane: No! I can get down. We’re only on the second set of stairs, you and Sam can carry me. No need to involve an ambulance, I’m going to be fine after they put a cast on it, don’t you worry.
Two days later…
Sam: Diane, you just said you wanted minestrone soup, Nicolle even went out and bought five cans of it.
Diane: Now I’m in the mood for tomato soup. I’m sorry!
Sam: I never had children for a reason.
Diane: You’re a lesbian?
Sam: No, lesbians can have children. I’m rich, I can afford it. Because I didn’t like having a person rely on me for everything. I don’t mind being your caretaker while you get better, but you have to be reasonable. Which soup do you want?
Diane: Okay, alright. Tomato soup is my final answer.
Sam: Alright, I’ll make it for you. How do you feel otherwise?
Diane: I’m okay.
Sam: I can’t believe your leg isn’t broken.
Diane: Just a badly sprained ankle I guess. They still put a cast on it.
Sam: Are you gonna make it tomorrow?
Diane: Obviously! Paul would kill me if he spent all this money to get us back and he can’t even get me to promote the show! Plus, I can’t let the girls and Garry down.
Sam: That’s what I figured. Just don’t push too hard. I’ll help you out.
Diane: Sam…
Sam: What, Diane?
Diane: This break from filming that we took really softened you. You’re so different now.
Sam: What do you mean? I’m still the same sarcastic idiot I always am.
Diane: No, you’re not. You always cared for people but you’re far more outgoing now. It’s nice to see!
Sam: Don’t say that to anyone! Speaking of being softer… will you be okay tonight if Nicolle and I leave you alone?
Diane: Yes! I’ll just call Frances if anything is wrong.
Sam: Okay. You do that. Frances would love that.
Diane: You said that sarcastically, but I think she would.
Sam: Maybe let’s call her up now and have her come over!
Diane: That would be nice! I miss her and the gang! It’s been what, twenty hours?
Sam: They have been stalker-like since you got injured. They mean well.
That night…
Frances: Diane! Hello! We brought a casserole!
Diane: Who is we?
Frances: Me and the girls!
Charlotte: ‘Ello Diane!
Diane: Oh my, I thought it was just you coming over, Frances.
Frances: It was going to be, but Leslie and Charlotte were nosy and wanted to come along.
Leslie: I am not nosy! I just wanted to give you some company.
Diane: I appreciate it. I wasn’t expecting it, but I appreciate it. Now, uh, how’d you get a casserole?
Frances: You’re in for a real treat. I made it!
Charlotte: But you wouldn’t have been able to without me! 
Frances: Yeah, Charlotte got the ingredients for me.
Leslie: I, meanwhile, did nothing because I’ve been on the phone with Paul.
Diane: What’s wrong with Paul?
Leslie: He’s all annoyed because the MCB upfront presentation got pushed back a half-hour tomorrow.
Diane: You were on the phone all day with him for that?
Leslie: No, we were supposed to talk to set our final plan for the upfront,  his frustration just happened to be a recurring theme of this two-hour conversation.
Frances: I don’t think I could ever talk to Paul for two hours.
Leslie: Trust me, I never want to.
Diane: I didn’t get a chance to say it but thank you for the casserole. I don’t know how you found the time to make it while we’re on a trip to New York, but I appreciate it.
Leslie: Oh, you’re never gonna believe what Frances was planning to do while she was here.
Diane: I’m scared.
Charlotte: Tell her, girl!
Frances: I wanted to go see Kathie Lee and Hoda.
Diane: Ha!
Leslie: She was pretty heartbroken when she went and found out Kathie Lee retired
Frances: I haven’t been paying attention to daytime TV lately!
Diane: She left a year ago.
Frances: You don’t have to make fun of me, Leslie and Charlotte took care of that already.
Diane: I’m not gonna, I just appreciate the company. Where’s Garry by the way?
Frances: He stayed back at the hotel. He’s gonna watch Mr. Snuggles for me.
Diane: That’s oddly comforting. The thought of you just leaving your cat loose in The Plaza disturbs me.
Frances: You know I’d never allow that!
Leslie: Hey, Diane.
Diane: Yeah?
Leslie: You’re gonna be okay for tomorrow, right?
Diane: I’ve gone through far too much on this trip to not go. It’s only a sprain, I can move around with my ankle on a scooter, I already got one.
Charlotte: You can? So why are they so worried about you? Not that I’m not, just, they’re unbelievably worried.
Diane: To put it simply, worrying is in their DNA. They care too much about other people.
Charlotte: You’re sweet.
Frances: Diane?
Diane: What’s up?
Frances: How do you work this oven?
Leslie: Did you, Frances Conner, decorated baker, just ask how to use an oven?
Frances: This isn’t one I’ve ever seen before! The labels for the knobs completely faded, I need to know what I’m turning on.
Diane: I have no idea, I fell down stairs before I got a proper course on Nicolle’s oven.
Frances: What are we going to do with our casserole?
Charlotte: Microwave it, Frances!
Frances: I’d just as soon eat my own hand!
Diane: I’ll call Sam. Don’t worry.
Diane calls Sam.
Sam: What’s up, Diane? Is everything alright?
Diane: Yes! Everything’s fine!
Sam: Just wanted to talk? Nicolle and I are at a very romantic restaurant ahead of a very romantic date.
Nicolle: Don’t listen to her, Diane! We’re at Bubba Gump Shrimp Company before visiting Madame Tussauds!
Diane: Oh… how romantic.
Sam: What’s up, ankles?
Diane: Frances made a casserole. Can Nicolle explain the oven to her?
Nicolle: Yes! The first nob controls the stove. The second controls the oven temperature. The third is a timer.
Frances: That’s all?
Nicolle: That’s all. There’s a digital clock on there, look next to that for the temperature. I know the labels on the knobs are all faded. I’ve asked my landlady to fix it but she has yet to act on it.
Frances: Sounds good!
Diane: Now, you two have a lovely evening! I’ll see you in a few hours! Tell the wax sculpture of Kathie Lee Gifford that Frances said hi!
The next morning, at Madison Square Garden…
Leslie: Oh my god! Let’s go, Frances!
Diane: I’m in a cast with a scooter and I’m still ahead of you!
Frances: My high heels are really hurting me.
Garry: Take them off!
Charlotte: Garry, the press would have a field day with that. Get your head out of your rear!
Sam: Yeah, Garry! Get your head out of your rear!
Garry: Sorry for offending you, Frances.
Frances: They’re far more worried than I am about it. I’m just worried about why this place is so damn big!
Leslie: We’re almost there.
Paul: Leslie! My favorite bakers are here!
Leslie: Paul! I thought we’d never make it.
Paul: Maybe it’s good the time got pushed up. Karey Burke did us a favor.
Leslie: What does the president of ABC have to do with our presentation?
Paul: She proposed that we all move our Upfronts back to match the time NBC started theirs. I think she was just trying to get more time since she still has like five shows to renew but it also indirectly helped us. Now, are you all ready to go on?
Leslie: Yes!
Paul: You’re gonna be the first show I introduce for a panel. We got Stevie Nicks to sing a song about Bake Your Heart Out and Marianne Williamson is going to introduce you.
Diane: Marianne Williamson?
Paul: The author lady that likes healing crystals and might be a witch. She’s on our new show The View Primetime. We just premiered that in May and it’s been a big hit so we thought we’d bring her out for the Upfronts. I guess it’s good that the Upfronts were delayed until June this year.
Leslie: What does she have to do with our show?
Paul: Leslie, I am trying my best.
Leslie: Do we have to do this promo for Rhode Island during this thing?
Paul: Yes! That’s where we’re filming after all!
Sam: I still can’t believe I have to leave sunny California to film in Clam ChowderLand.
Paul: Relax, it’ll be great Now, let me go start the presentation and we’ll get to it! But first, I hope you’re well, Diane. I heard about your incident.
Diane: I’m fine, thanks for asking.
Paul: Just let someone know if you need somewhere to sit during the presentation. We can arrange it.
Diane: Oh, no thanks. Nice to offer though.
Paul: Okay, I have to go! See you soon!
Thirty minutes later…
Diane: Is he still going on?
Leslie: No, Stevie Nicks is on now. For some reason.
Diane: I can’t even hear. 
Leslie: Marianne Williamson just introduced us, time to go!
Frances: You ready guys? Together again!
Garry: It’s good to be back.
Charlotte: It’s good to be here at all!
The gang walks onto the stage.
Sam: Hello Madison Square Garden! We’re not going to lie, it’s a little strange to be here today!
Diane: Firstly, look at me. My ankle is sprained and I have a scooter. Not exactly the way a star looks. Apparently, though, you’re all really excited to see me!
Sam: We also didn’t expect to be back at all when we decided to leave last year. As you know, the show declined in popularity - sorry Leslie! - and we had to come riding in to save it.
Diane: Also we got offered a ton of money to come back and all we had to do for it was go to Rhode Island to film.
Sam: So, we're glad to be back.
Leslie: And we’re glad to have them back!
Garry: I also am back, in case anyone forgot.
Sam: We know, Garry. How could anyone forget you?
Charlotte: Bake Your Heart Out will look much different when you see it next.
Frances: Instead of two judges, we have three now.
Diane: We’re gonna be in Rhode Island, which is not actually an island.
Leslie: It’s gonna be just as heartfelt and joyful.
Sam: It’s gonna be a lot more Rhode Island-y.
Garry: And more Garry-filled than the last season!
Leslie: It’s the show you know and love like you’ve never seen it before.
Sam: Unless you watched the episode where Charlotte guest hosted in season five.
Charlotte: Yeah, it’s gonna be like that.
Sam: But in Rhode Island!
Leslie: We didn’t actually start filming yet, so we don’t have a real promo to show you.
Sam: Nevertheless… here’s something we put together recently. This… is Bake Your Heart Out!

What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return next week for another all-new episode!

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