The Bullpen Season 3 Episode 12: Step Up To The Plate

  

FELIX, ROBERT, LORENZO, ACE, DEVIN, and MANNY are all sitting on the bench in the bullpen while HARRY stands to the side, making a hamburger.



MANNY
So Harry, you make the burgers one by one now?

HARRY
Huh? No. I’m making one for myself. I’m hungry. 

ACE
Aren’t we all?

DEVIN
I don’t know, I’m kind of hungry. I could wait though.

FELIX
I’m not hungry.

ACE
That was a hypothetical question. 

ROBERT
And we’re all gonna answer it. I’m hungry. 

MANNY
I am as well.

LORENZO
I’m not, but I could always go for a good burger. Although, since all the places are closed, I’ll have to settle for one of Harry’s.

HARRY
I didn’t offer to make any of you any burgers. I was just planning on taking a break for myself.

FELIX
Taking a break? From what? There’s nothing going on right now. It’s the bottom of the ninth inning and neither team has scored any runs. 

ROBERT
Which means...extra innings unless our guys score a run this inning.

DEVIN
I’ve never been much of an Indianapolis Primitives fan, but I’m rooting for us now!

HARRY
So...burgers or no burgers?

MANNY
No burgers, we have a baseball game to watch!

The bullpen watches as their batters fail to score a run. The game is going into extra innings. 

ROBERT
Oh no.

FELIX
What?

ROBERT
They’re gonna make me stand at second base at the bottom of the inning, aren’t they?

FELIX
Why would they do that? You were terrible at it last time.

ROBERT
True. Maybe I’ll be off the hook.

FELIX
And maybe I’ll finally be able to redeem myself. They’ll need a new pitcher eventually. 

MANNY
Or they could put in some other starters. It’s what I used to do. You know that.

FELIX
You’re not the manager anymore though.

MANNY
They have to decide between a good pitcher and someone who blew the championship for them. Plus, looks like the starting pitcher is back on the mound. 

FELIX
Maybe next inning. 

ACE
Manny, your phone is ringing.

MANNY
That’s the bullpen’s phone.

ACE
You’re the only one who answers it.

MANNY
Because I’m bullpen coach.

ACE
There are also two bullpen co-captains, they don’t answer the phone.

MANNY
Bullpen coach is ahead of bullpen captain.

LORENZO
I thought bullpen captain was above bullpen coach?

MANNY
Nope. And why would it be?

DEVIN
Nice going guys, the phone stopped ringing. 

ROBERT
That really was a close one.

FELIX
That could’ve been for me!

MANNY
It’s no big deal, I’ll just call them back. Anyone know the number for the dugout?

LORENZO
Try 1-800-LORENZO.

HARRY
Now why would that be the phone number?

LORENZO
I don’t know. Worth a shot. 

MANNY
Never mind, the phone’s ringing again. 

FELIX
Answer it!

MANNY answers the phone.

MANNY (on the phone)
Hello?...Who is this?...Oh, okay, I’ll tell him now.

MANNY hangs up the phone.

MANNY
I have bad news. Robert, you’re in the game in the bottom of the inning.

ROBERT
NOOOOOO!

MANNY hears the phone ring again and answers it.

MANNY (on the phone)
Oh okay, got it.

MANNY hangs up the phone.

MANNY
Change of plans. Felix, you’re in. 

FELIX
That’s impossible, our guy is still pitching. Two strikes, two outs.

MANNY
Yeah, you’re not in until the bottom of the inning.

FELIX
Perfect. Robert botched his turn being the second base runner that they’re willing to risk me instead.

MANNY
You have to hit the ball first.

FELIX
Huh?

MANNY
You’re in the batting lineup. You’re up first.

FELIX
Well, I guess that’s one way to get on the field. But didn’t they promise never to put a pitcher in the batting lineup in extra innings?

MANNY
That was weeks ago. They changed the promise to be that they can’t put a pitcher in the batting lineup in extra innings if it’s someone who has no chance of getting a hit. 

FELIX
They think I can get a hit?

MANNY
I mean, I guess?

LORENZO
Felix, if I can offer you some advice—

FELIX
Nope.

When the top half of the inning ends, FELIX walks out of the bullpen and into the dugout. He finds a helmet and bat and starts walking up to the plate. After a few steps, he turns around. JASON meets him.

JASON
What are you doing?! You’re up!

FELIX
Where’s my walk-up music?

JASON
You don’t get walk-up music!

FELIX
Everyone else gets walk-up music.

JASON sighs.

JASON
Fine. Tell me what song you want and I’ll play it on my phone. 

FELIX
I want the theme to Cat Police to play. 

JASON
Seriously? 

FELIX
Yes. You know, that kids’ show about all those cats who are also police officers?

JASON
Alright...hold on a minute, let me find that song...ah, here it is. 

JASON starts playing the theme song to Cat Police as FELIX walks up to the plate. 

CUT to the bullpen.

DEVIN
Do you hear that? They’re playing the theme to Cat Police!

HARRY
I can’t hear anything.

DEVIN
It’s very soft. I can recognize that song anywhere. I watched the new episode the other day, actually.

LORENZO
Really? Someone at Lorenzo’s Kitchen yesterday was talking about how it got canceled. Said all the dog-lovers found it offensive so they had no choice but to cancel the show.

DEVIN
I don’t know who that is, but they definitely don’t know what they’re talking about there. 

HARRY
They should renew Cat Police.

DEVIN
You’ve seen the show?

HARRY
No, but I know of this guy who really likes it who wants to see it renewed, so I want it renewed too.

DEVIN
Aw, thanks Harry!

HARRY
I’m not talking about you. 

ACE
Guys, what’s this baseball doing in the dugout? I thought we weren’t going to bring any today.

MANNY
We didn’t. 

LORENZO
Why are people running on the field?

ACE
Looks to me like Felix just hit a home run and won the game for us!

MANNY
Wow. A photo-finish ending. I feel like I’m in a movie!

ROBERT
Good game everyone. We did great.

DEVIN
We did nothing. 

ROBERT
Exactly. 

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