Frances in the Kitchen Season 1 Episode 7 - Halloween in the Kitchen

Frances in the Kitchen Season 1, Episode 7
Halloween in the Kitchen

Frances: Deck the halls with something scary, ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha.

Jimmy: You’re in a good today mood, Frances. That’s unusual.

Frances: It’s Halloween! You know I love Halloween!

Louise: It’s September. You do know Halloween is in October, right?

Frances: Of course I know that! It’s my favorite holiday!

Jimmy: It’s her favorite because she’s so scary.

Frances grabs a Ghostface mask and puts it over her face.

Frances: I’m not scary! Look at this face!

Jane: Oh my god! Someone call 9-1-1! We’re gonna die!

Frances: It’s me, Frances!

Jane: No you’re not, you killed Frances.

Louise: Jane, calm down. It is Frances.

Jane: Why did you do that? You scared the hell out of me!

Lauren: Come on, let’s go sit down on the couch. You’re still shaking.

Frances: I wasn’t that scary!

Jimmy: Why are you decorating for Halloween now? It’s still far away.

Frances: It’s not that far away, Jimmy. I always decorate this early!

Greg: She really does. Usually, by mid-September, this place looks like Universal Halloween Horror Night.

Frances: Yeah, I’m behind this year. Because of all of you.

Greg: What did I do?

Frances: Not really you. Just the rest of them.

Jimmy: You know, that’s understandable. We are time-consuming.

Frances: Thank you!

Lauren: Speaking of time-consuming, I have some news to share.

Frances: What is it? Are you pregnant?

Louise: She better not be.

Lauren: Don’t worry, I’m not! Good lord.

Greg: Why would you even ask her that?

Frances: Because I’m me.

Lauren: Okay, I want you guys to know that I’m going to be playing Audrey in Little Shop of Horrors at school!

Louise: That’s so great!

Greg: You were the understudy, right?

Lauren: I sure was! I never thought I’d be starring in this, actually. I have a lot to prepare for.

Frances: You killed the original Audrey, right? These theater types don't tend to just give up the roles easily.

Lauren: The original Audrey was at the skate part and fell off the halfpipe and broke her leg and suffered a concussion.

Frances: But were you the one that pushed her? Or did you pay someone else to do it?

Lauren: I think you’ve been watching too many horror movies, lately.

Frances: There is no such thing!

Greg: There is. There really is. I’ve seen Jamie Lee Curtis run away from Michael Myers so much in the past week.

Frances: You say that like it’s bad.

Greg: At this point, I’m having nightmares that he’s chasing me instead of Laurie Strode.

Frances: Again, awesome. I wish I could have dreams like that.

Lauren: In case you guys were wondering, Little Shop of Horrors opens up next Monday. So you won’t be seeing me much this week. Or the weeks after that.

Jimmy: We’re proud of you, kid. You’re gonna kill it.

Lauren: I sure hope so. I have a lot to prove.

Frances: You sure do. You committed assault to get here!

Lauren: On top of all this, I’m working on a short horror film for class. I don’t know how I’ll find the time for it, but I’ll have to.

Frances: Your Aunt Frances can help you out! I’m the queen of Halloween, after all. I’ll help you come up with an idea.

Lauren: Really? That would be great!

Frances: I’ll have to think of some ideas the next day or so and then I’ll let you know. My brain sometimes takes a bit to think of my genius.

The next day, at the studio…

DeAnna: How do I keep running into you at the start of the day?

Jane: Maybe because we all start filming at the same time.

Frances: DeAnna, let me be entirely honest here.

DeAnna: You actually like me? I knew it!

Frances: I’ve been watching horror movies all week and you are still the scariest thing I’ve seen in a long time. And did you get more botox?

DeAnna: This is all-natural!

Frances: Sure.

DeAnna: It is!

Frances: You look like Anjelica Huston in The Witches.

DeAnna: I will take that as a compliment and assume you aren’t talking about when she turns into a scary witch lady.

Frances: You know what they say about assuming.

DeAnna: You really are a nasty woman.

Frances: And you remind me of an elderly Bette Midler in Hocus Pocus.

DeAnna: I take that as a compliment, too. She’s an Oscar nominee. And what’s with all the Halloween references? It’s not even October. And your orange and black striped socks and the sweater. My god.

Frances: I like Halloween. And we’re filming a Halloween episode today.

DeAnna: Oh, so you’re weird.

Jane: No, we’re just prepared!

DeAnna: I’m actually filming mine next week, I guess you’re not that weird.

Frances: No one asked you, but, thanks. I don’t feel the same way about you at all.

DeAnna: Look, my coffee’s here! I better get going.

Frances: Have a day. Not a good one, just a day. Your coffee has nothing on my pumpkin tea.

Jane: See ya!

Frances and Jane walk into the set.

Beverly: Look who finally decided to show up!

Jane: We were arguing with DeAnna.

Marcia: When aren’t you?

Jane: Um… That’s a good question.

Frances: We gotta start getting here earlier, that was horrifying.

Jane: She’s even scarier than that ghost mask you have.

Frances: Put some respect on the name of Ghostface from Scream.

Jane: Sorry, Frances.

Beverly: You excited for today’s big Halloween special?

Marcia: God, no.

Frances: What did you just say?

Marcia: I’m not excited for the Halloween special. I hate Halloween!

Frances: Get out. You’re fired. Get out.

Beverly: You’re not fired, do not leave.

Frances: Yes, you are.

Beverly: No.

Marcia: I’m not leaving.

Frances: Damn you, Beverly!

Beverly: No one’s getting fired for not liking Halloween.

Frances: They should. It’s un-American!

Marcia: I just don’t like scary things. No horror movies, no skeletons, no ghosts.

Frances: Our special is never scary! Nothing horror. It’s rated G!

Beverly: PG, actually.

Marcia: I didn’t hate Halloween specials too much until Frances started pranking me every year during them. Five years straight now.

Jane: She scared me, too.

Beverly: She scares us all. That’s her thing.

Frances: It is, and people love it!

Marcia: I respect your love for Halloween but I just prefer Christmas. It makes me happy, not scared!

Beverly: Frances, don’t scare Marcia during this special.

Frances: Fine. She’s wearing a costume, though.

Marcia: I like the costumes. As long as they’re not scary. Who am I this year?

Beverly: Delia from Beetlejuice. Frances will be Barbara and Jane will be Lydia.

Jane: I’m gonna be on TV?

Beverly: Frances demanded it.

Jane: Thank you, Frances!

Frances: No problem! You help complete the costume theme. Now, Beverly, dear Beverly.

Beverly: What do you want?

Frances: Can we get to the filming? I wait all year for this special!

Beverly: Yes, let’s start filming.

Frances: Thank you!

Two hours later…

Frances: Okay, kiddos. We just made the graveyard brownies for the Halloween party. Now, it’s time to make something to drink. We’re gonna make a lovely pumpkin milkshake. Marcia, can you get the ice cream from the freezer?

Marcia: Sure can!

Marcia opens the freezer.

Marcia: Oh my god!!! Why is there a brain in the freezer?

Marcia turns to see Frances holding a giant butcher knife.

Marcia: Oh my god!!!

Frances: Ha! Works every time!

Marcia: I almost had a heart attack.

Jane: Wait, what happened?

Beverly: Cut!

Frances: Oh, come on! That was going so well!

Beverly: You promised.

Frances: You know I’m not good for my word.

Marcia: You really scared me!

Frances: It’s tradition, I’m sorry.

Beverly: Well, it happened, so we’re using that in the special, but never again. Play nice.

Frances: Marcia, I need to teach you to appreciate horror. I’m going to have a movie night tonight. Beverly, you’re coming.

Beverly: Wouldn’t miss it. I do enjoy the annual tradition of Marcia peeing herself from fright, why not see it twice in one day?

Marcia: This might surprise you, but I’ll come. On one condition.

Frances: What would that be?

Marcia: If I make it through the entire movie without leaving the room from fright, you have to stop the annual Halloween prank.

Frances: Okay, I agree.

Marcia: See you tonight, then!

Beverly: Hopefully. There won’t be any movie night without us finishing here. Let’s get back to work!

Frances: Yes, let’s. That brownie looks delicious.

That night…

Frances: Welcome, Marcia!

Greg: I can’t believe you showed up for this. You never watched any horror movie growing up. you were the least-cool older sister ever.

Marcia: I know, I know. I wouldn’t sneak you in for any scary horror movies. No Halloween, no Friday the 13th, no Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Louise: The Rocky Horror Picture Show isn’t a horror movie!

Marcia: It’s in the name. Come on, Louise.

Louise: It’s a musical sci-fi comedy.

Marcia: No.

Louise: I’ve seen it. Every year. For forty years. Trust me, I’m older than dirt. I know The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Marcia: Maybe we should watch that tonight, then.

Frances: Chickening out already. Shame on you!

Marcia: No, let’s watch something freaky! Once Bev is here, of course.

Greg: That might be another year or two.

Jimmy: Is she always late? It feels like she’s always late.

Marcia: Oh my god, she is.

Frances: We could put a movie on now and finish it in time for Beverly to never know we watched it. Then we could watch a second movie!

Marcia: No, we’re not watching two horror movies!

Jimmy: Yeah, some of us have work to do.

Louise: Certainly not you, Jimmy.

Jimmy: Of course not! I was talking about Lauren.

Louise: Honey, how are your rehearsals going?

Lauren: I’m gonna be the best Audrey the Ventura County College for the Performing Arts has ever seen. So, I’m gonna be better than the past two.

Jimmy: Let us hear a few bars of Suddenly, Seymour.

Lauren: I haven’t learned it yet.

Louise: Lord, have mercy.

Frances: How don’t you already know the lyrics? The movie’s a Halloween classic and that is the most beautiful song in any movie ever.

Lauren: I’m young and foolish, I’m sorry.

Beverly: Is the party over yet?

Greg: She made it!

Jimmy: It’s a Halloween miracle!

Louise: No matter how many times you say it, it’s still September.

Frances: Not for long. Thank god!

Marcia: You’re here so early, Bev. Why?

Beverly: I can’t pass up an opportunity to see you scared for one last time.

Jane: Should I put the DVD in?

Frances: Go ahead, yeah.

Marcia: What are we watching tonight, anyway?

Frances: It’s a freaky little movie. Little-known, really.

Marcia: Good lord, just tell me.

Frances: The Exorcist.

Louise: Oh my god, you can not do that to her.

Lauren: I still haven’t brought myself to watch that movie, and I actually love horror films.

Frances: Come on, guys. I’m evil, but not that evil. That movie is horrifying. We’re watching Nightmare on Elm Street.

Greg: Freddy Krueger? Can she handle that?

Marcia: I’m not a child, I can handle a mildly-creepy movie.

Frances: Thank you for not complaining, Marcia. Unlike… some others.

Marcia: No problem. I’m going to be just as calm during this entire movie. I will not be scared.

Beverly: That would be a major letdown, not gonna lie.

Frances: I didn’t rush to finish decorating just for this to not be a terrifying, scarring affair, Marcia. Don’t let us down!

Marcia: We’ll see.

One hour later, there is a knock at the door.

Frances: I’ll get it! I’ve seen this already, anyway.

Marcia: No, I’ll get it. I ordered the pizza, after all.

Frances: So gracious of you. You're really not too scared?

Marcia: No, not at all.

Beverly: So disappointing.

Marcia opens the door. A man dressed in black is standing there.

Marcia: What do you want?

The man strikes Marcia over the head and she falls to the ground. He lifts her up and starts carrying her off.

Frances: What the f*** just happened? Greg, do something!

Greg: What should I do?

Jane: What’s going on?

Beverly: Someone just kidnapped Marcia!

Jane: What?!?!

Lauren: Dad, call the police!

Jimmy: Where’s the phone?

Louise: Here! Call!

Frances: I’m gonna chase after him if none of you will. I gotta do something.

Jane: I’ll come with you.

Frances and Jane run outside.

Frances: Where is he?

Jane: What’s handing in the tree?

Frances: A body! Oh my god, what just happened?

Marcia: I got you!

Frances: Marcia, I’m sorry I failed you. You don’t have to haunt me from behind the grave.

Marcia: No, you idiot. I’m alive and right behind you.

Frances: You are?

Marcia: Look behind you.

Frances: I can’t believe you did that to me!

The entire family walks outside to join them.

Frances: Were you all in on it?

Marcia: Sweet little Lauren gave me the idea. I told her I wanted to prank you and she came up with the whole idea.

Lauren: I got one of my theater friends to play the kidnapper.

Frances: You all knew?

Greg: They forgot to tell me.

Beverly: We did?

Lauren: Sorry Uncle Greg, it was very last minute.

Frances: Good to know you’re genuinely awful in a crisis.

Greg: Were you expecting any different?

Frances: No, not really.

Marcia: Aren’t you impressed? I finally scared you!

Frances: I actually am. This is a great first scare.

Marcia: We should go finish the movie now, I guess. So this can be the final scare.

Frances: Deal’s a deal.

Lauren: By the way, guys. You all just starred in my short film for school.

Frances: We were supposed to work on that together!

Lauren: We did, in a way.

Frances: You really filmed this?

Lauren: Yes, I sure did! My teacher better love it, I really enjoyed this project. More than I thought. After all, my aunts are the ones who inspired it.

Frances: I always did think of myself as influential.

What did you think of the episode? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return next week for the season finale!

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