Frances in the Kitchen Season 1, Episode 3
Contest in the Kitchen
Frances, Marcia and Jane are sitting in Beverly’s office.
Beverly: So guys, there’s a very special day coming next month.
Jane: Oh my god, you still get your period at your age? That’s incredible!
Beverly: No, you idiot.
Marcia: Is next month our tenth anniversary?
Beverly: You basically hit the nail on the head.
Marcia: I often do.
Frances: It’s our anniversary?
Beverly: It’s when we’re filming our anniversary show, at least. Our actual anniversary is in two months.
Marcia: You’re forgetting our show’s anniversary like every man forgets his wedding anniversary.
Beverly: Did Howard do that this year?
Marcia: Yes. Bastard.
Frances: I don’t know where my head’s been lately. My family’s been taking up most of my time. Every day it’s another problem. Lauren went back to school last week. Well, “school.” It’s not really school if you’re mostly studying the performing arts. She’s trying, though. I just wish I didn’t have to hear about it all day every day. I want to have a nice night with my husband where we talk about our days but they’re always around talking about their days at work. Did you know Louise’s bank just got in a new order of Millard Fillmore dollar coins? I know because I’ve heard about it about ten times.
Beverly: Whoa, I don’t recall asking for a monologue.
Frances: Well that’s what you got!
Beverly: Anyway, do you guys have any ideas for what to do to celebrate?
Jane: Don’t you get paid to do that? You are the producer, after all. Co-producer. Frances also produces the show and she created it and it has her name on it. I was hoping she’d have some ideas for an anniversary celebration but she didn’t even know it was the anniversary so my hopes are quite low now.
Frances: Joke’s on you! I… got nothing.
Marcia: What if we get DeAnna to appear with Frances! A fun “bury the hatchet” kinda thing to celebrate the big anniversary.
Frances: My mind has been elsewhere lately but it’s not completely gone. Unlike yours, apparently. You really think I’d ever agree to that?
Beverly: It’s a damn good idea.
Frances: No, it is not!
Beverly: Just think of it. We’d get huge publicity for the tenth anniversary. It could seriously bring in our biggest ratings ever.
Frances: I have to see her around her anyway. What’s a day of filming together?
Beverly: You’ll really do it?
Frances: If DeAnna agrees. But I won’t let either of you live this down. You own me one.
Marcia: I don’t benefit from this at all! Why me?
Frances: You thought of it in the first place! Jane’s the only one that had nothing to do with this torture!
Jane: No comment.
Frances: Oh no, you think it’s a good idea, too? I feel betrayed.
Beverly: We need more than this for such a big moment, though.
Jane: Hear me out. We have a food fight.
Beverly: That’s asinine.
Frances: Not if I get to throw a cake at DeAnna’s face.
Beverly: I was thinking more along the lines of a contest for our fans.
Frances: So you asked us for our ideas for the anniversary show when you had one all along?
Marcia: Typical Beverly!
Jane: At least she used your idea!
Frances: What kind of contest are you thinking, Bev?
Beverly: We could have our viewers send in messages expressing why they’re the biggest Frances in the Kitchen super fans for a chance to appear with you on the anniversary show.
Frances: That’s actually not bad.
Beverly: I know. I impressed myself.
Marcia: Our anniversary is being filmed next month and we’ll need the contest to last for at least a little while. How are we gonna have time to announce a contest before we film the anniversary?
Beverly: We can just film Frances announcing the contest and tack on that video to the end of this week’s episodes. No biggie!
Frances: I guess we’d better film that pretty soon, then. It is two days before the next episode airs, you know.
Beverly: We can film it first thing tomorrow. It’s getting pretty late, I should let you all get home.
Jane: Yeah, Frances. We better get home to hear Jimmy’s rants about the lady who comes into Target to complain that they don’t have the new Sex and the City movie on DVD yet or the right variety of tea.
Frances: I’m so sick of hearing about that woman that I might just have a stakeout in the Target parking lot and mow her down.
Marcia: I keep forgetting that you two live together now.
Jane: Just temporarily. I’m hunting for apartments right now.
Marcia: We’ll see about that.
That night, at Frances’ house…
Frances: So today, Beverly gave me some big news.
Lauren: I have big news, too! They’re putting on a production of Little Shop of Horrors at school and I got the role of Audrey…’s understudy.
Jimmy: That’s a start, good for you!
Lauren: Thank you. They said I was the best actress but my singing voice was just not the best and everyone sees Little Shop of Horrors for Suddenly, Seymour so that’s why I lost the role.
Louise: That’s a load of bull! You’re a drama student, not a music student. They should base the role on who can act!
Greg: It is a musical and not a play. I know the difference because I auditioned for Bye Bye Birdie in school and I was ridiculed even though I had some acting chops that were not to be denied!
Louise: I wish there was video of that audition.
Lauren: Their explanation makes sense to me, mom. Don’t worry, though. The drama department is doing A Midsummer Night’s Dream next month and I can get the lead role in that.
Louise: I still don’t like them denying your star power. It’s not right.
Lauren: They’re not doing anything of the sort. They just don’t think I’m the best pick for this role. I can accept that.
Louise: Well, I can’t! I’m going down to talk to them.
Lauren: Please do not.
Frances: I hate to interrupt this, but I was talking first.
Lauren: You were? I’m sorry, Aunt Frances.
Jimmy: She was probably going to tell us something about how much she hates DeAnna. We already know that. Now, Jill came back to Target today, this time to complain that the pack of gum that she bought didn’t taste fruity enough. Get a life, woman!
Frances: Do any of you even care what I have to say?
Greg: I care!
Jane: So do It!
Louise: Oh my god! You’ve been so quiet that I forgot you lived here.
Jane: I actually live here more than you do since you guys all live in the guest house.
Frances: Guest cottage!
Louise: Do you want to play that game, Jane? At least we’re family.
Lauren: Be nice, mom.
Frances: Family, not family, doesn’t matter. You’re all equally driving me to alcoholism.
Louise: Oh, fine. Tell your story if you’re gonna act like a baby.
Greg: Finally! I’ve been waiting to hear you tell us what your news is!
Louise: It’ll be disappointing, I just know it.
Greg: Be quiet, Louise!
Frances: Thank you! I wanted to tell you that the tenth anniversary of Frances in the Kitchen is just about here.
Louise: That’s it?
Lauren: Mom, you’re being very rude. Again.
Frances: Don’t worry, I was expecting that.
Louise: You were hyping it up so much, I just thought it would be something bigger.
Frances: Sorry to. Disappoint. I was simply trying to say that it was making me think about my future in the TV business.
Greg: What are you thinking about? Are you leaving the show?
Frances:. Don’t worry, you’ll still get to be my trophy husband. I’m not going anywhere.
Greg: That’s good. I know you love your show, I was afraid something’s changed and I didn’t know since we never get to talk.
Jimmy: Is that a jab at us? I’m sorry we take up all your time.
Greg: No, that’s not what I meant at all.
Frances: Well…
Jimmy: So it is!
Lauren: I mean, I can see Aunt Frances’s point. We talk a lot.
Greg: Thank you! You were always the sensible one.
Louise: Go to your room, Lauren.
Lauren: I’m an adult. And I don’t even have a room. I sleep on the couch.
Jane: Hey, so do I!
Frances: I’m losing control of my own conversation all over again. Good god.
Greg: I’m sorry, I’ll be quiet.
Frances: I didn’t mean you.
Louise: I’ll try, but I’m not making promises.
Frances: I don’t plan on ending Frances in the Kitchen anytime soon, but I want to know that there’s something for me in the TV world down the line. I don’t want this to be the only thing I do in my career and once you get this far along, you kinda start to worry that that’ll happen. Anyone can give any input they’d like. I am opening the floor for comments, questions and concerns.
Greg: I don’t really think you have anything to worry about. You’re a huge star. If you ever want to move on to something bigger and better, that door’s always open. Any other network would be lucky to have you.
Lauren: And even if they won’t, I’ll be a big star by then anyway so I can force a network to hire you as my co-star.
Frances: I’m screwed.
The next day, at the studio lot…
DeAnna: Frances! I just talked to Beverly!
Frances: Ugh. It’s too early to see you. My day’s already shot to hell.
DeAnna: That’s no way to treat your future co-star!
Frances: You’re doing a quick appearance at the end of my anniversary show. You’re not my co-star. The only person that will ever have that title is Marcia. Don’t you have actual work to do?
Lola (studio tour guide): You guys are in for a rare treat! Ms. DeAnna Clifton and Mrs. Frances Conner are both here.
Frances: What is this?
Lola: Mrs. Conner!
Frances: It’s Frances.
Lola: Well, Frances. Ms. Clifton suggested that we start up tours at the studio again and Mr. Holmes agreed. I used to be a security guard but I’m a tour guide now. I’m just doing a run-through before tours start today.
Frances: Oh, okay. I thought they let a homeless person with a few loose screws onto the set again.
Lola: That happened before?
Frances: Yeah, DeAnna.
DeAnna: I resent that statement!
Jane: Oh, be quiet you old bully.
DeAnna: Oh good, Tweedledum is here.
Jane: Joke’s on you because I don’t know what that is.
DeAnna: It’s a literary character, I wouldn’t expect you to now.
Frances: She’s calling you dumb, honey.
Jane: I mean, I figured that. When DeAnna’s around, just assume she’s being mean.
Lola: I’m gonna get going.
Frances: Yeah, that would be for the best I’d think.
DeAnna: You never let me tell you the big news!
Jane: Is this actual big news or is it like Frances’s news last night?
DeAnna: I wasn’t there last night, you idiot.
Frances: And thank god for that. I’d rather blow my brains out than have you at my house.
DeAnna: Well, first I want to accept your gracious offer to be on your show next month.
Frances: I can finally rest easy now. Thank you.
DeAnna: Second, I wanted to tell you that Pedro called from the garage downtown. He said the minivan’s repairs are finished.
Frances: Pedro called you? Why?
Jane: Yeah, he should’ve called me! I’m her assistant.
Frances: You would’ve forgotten to tell me. He should’ve called me.
DeAnna: My number was associated with the car because I’m paying for the repairs. That’s why.
Frances: I guess that makes sense. I can't believe I’m about to say this genuinely but thank you for telling me. Louise can finally stop driving my antique Chevy Nomad to work.
DeAnna: Why does it not surprise me that you have one of those?
Frances: Because I am awesome. Now, I’d better get to work. I have a long day of filming and, unlike you, people actually enjoy what I do so I don’t want to look too exhausted while I’m filming. being around you drains me.
In the studio…
Beverly: Why do you look mad again?
Frances: What do you think?
Beverly: You had to see DeAnna again? I swear that woman does it on purpose.
Frances: She does. She’s pure evil.
Jane: I know I didn’t know who she was like two weeks ago but I think I hate her as much as Frances now. She’s so mean to me.
Marcia: You have her picture on a dartboard in your office?
Frances: Shh! Don’t tell anyone about that! Charlie would get mad.
Beverly: What did she have to say on this fine morning?
Frances: Apparently, we’re going to have visitors from now on because Charlie’s doing studio tours now.
Beverly: What an idiot.
Frances: There’s more. This was all DeAnna’s idea.
Beverly: If Charlie weren’t gayer than a rainbow Christmas tree, I’d think they were having an affair.
Jane: Maybe they’re related!
Frances: Do demons have family?
Beverly: I think DeAnna’s delayed our filming enough today. Let’s get to work, girls.
Frances: The less I gotta think about her, the better.
Beverly: Here’s the script for the contest announcement. It’s not that funny and I’m sorry but I figure you can add your Frances flare to it. Oh, Marcia, you’re in it, too.
Marcia: Wow. I really am moving up the ladder. From sidekick to a speaking part in a contest announcement.
Beverly: Don’t be a bitch, Marcia. It doesn’t look good on you.
Frances: Yeah, that’s my thing!
Marcia: I was just making a joke.
Frances: This is a very flimsy script. I already finished reading it.
Beverly: Look, I only had one night to work on it. Just improvise, you’ll be fine.
Frances: All right, let’s get ready for filming!
Thirty minutes later, Frances and Marcia walk onto the set and begin filming the contest announcement.
Frances: Hey there, Frances in the Kitchen fans!
Marcia: Or as I call them, Fan-ceses.
Frances: That’s an awful name for a fanbase.
Marcia: You’re just jealous you didn’t come up with it.
Frances: Anyway -
Marcia: Don’t ignore me and change the subject!
Beverly: Cut! I said to improvise, but I didn’t mean this much.
Marcia: Is this not good?
Beverly: Not really, no. This is supposed to be a one-minute announcement.
Marcia: Oh, sorry.
Frances: We’ll do it better. Jane, get me an Earl Grey tea while we do this. I’m gonna need it.
Jane: Will do!
Beverly: Let’s get back to it now. And do better this time.
They start filming again.
Frances: Oh! hey there, fans of Frances in the Kitchen! You may know that it’s a very special time for our show.
Marcia: What time would that be?
Frances: Well, I’ll tell you, Marcia. Calm down.
Marcia: I’m calm, I’m calm.
Frances: Our big tenth anniversary show is just two months away!
Marcia: We’ve been on the air for ten years? No wonder I feel so old.
Frances: Oh, come on. You’re not that old.
Marcia: Aww, thank you.
Frances: Anyway, to my loyal viewers at home, I wanted to tell you about a very special contest we’re putting on here at Frances in the Kitchen. For our tenth anniversary, we’re asking you, our viewers, to send in videos explaining why you’re the biggest fan of Frances in the Kitchen.
Marcia: Your video can be as long or as short as you’d like, but please make sure to tell us your name and your phone number so we can contact you. I think you’ll like the prize for winning.
Frances: One lucky fan who we determine to be our biggest fan will be flown to California and will appear on the tenth anniversary show of Frances in the Kitchen. The contest ends in two weeks and the winner will be informed within two weeks of the contest’s ending. Simply email your recording to the email address below or sent a tape of your video to the address below. It really is that simple! Good luck!
Beverly: Cut! Perfect!
Frances: Really? That felt cheesy.
Beverly: Fits perfectly with the show, let’s film an actual episode now.
Jane: Here’s your tea, Frances!
Frances: Thank you, Jane. I have a question for you.
Jane: Hit me with your best shot! Fire away!
Frances: Do you think Frances in the Kitchen is cheesy?
Jane: No, not at all!
Frances: You weren’t looking at me.
Jane: My sock was riding up. I had to fix it.
Frances: It’s okay. The show is cheesy but that’s fine.
Marcia: It could never be worse than the other shows on this network, just tell yourself that.
Frances: That helps a little, I guess.
Beverly: Come on guys, time to film an actual episode.
Frances: I’m coming. You sure are anxious to watch me make a chicken and cheese quiche.
Three hours later, Frances and Jane exit the studio as a tour is being conducted.
Lola: Oh boy! This is a rare treat. An actual sighting of TBC’s biggest star, Frances Conner. Say hi to her!
Frances: Well, hello everybody!
One woman, Barb, approaches Frances.
Barb: Oh my god, you’re real.
Frances: And that really is my face on your shirt!
Barb: Oh yeah, this old thing. I got it from my son for Christmas. Frances in the Kitchen is my favorite show. It’s what go me through my husband’s death.
Frances: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Barb: Thank you. I can’t even believe you just said that to me. I can’t believe you said anything to me. I’m Barb, by the way.
Lola: Barb, we need to get going. There’s more studio to tour and Ms. Conner needs to get going on her way.
Frances: Oh, me? I don’t have anything better to do. Anyone want an autograph?
Barb: Please, yes.
Frances: Barb. Can I call you Barb or do you have a last name I should use?
Barb: No, Barb is great.
Frances: Okay, Barb. Do me a favor.
Barb: Sure, whatever you say.
Frances: I’m doing a contest.
Barb: For your tenth anniversary? I know that’s coming up.
Frances: Wow, you knew better than me. Yes, that’s what it’s for. I’m doing a contest for the anniversary. Please send in a video of yourself explaining why you’re the biggest fan. Wear that shirt, too. Let me tell ya, you’re a real frontrunner so far. If you do that and win, which I think you will, you get to be on my tenth anniversary show.
Barb: Oh my god, of course I’ll do that. thank you for telling me.
Frances: I look forward to seeing your video!
DeAnna: Is that a tour I see?
Frances: Alright, time to go. Bye, everyone!
What did you think of the episode? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return next week for another all-new episode!
