Bake Your Heart Out Season 2 Episode 11 - Celebrity Survivor

Bake Your Heart Out Season 2, Episode 11
Celebrity Survivor

The gang is at breakfast ahead of filming.
Frances: Oh my god, Diane! Look at this!
Diane: I need my glasses.
Charlotte: Here, take mine.
Garry: Keep yours, Charlotte. Here’s my spare pair.
Sam: Does everyone here have glasses? Are we really all that old.
Leslie: Charlotte’s not that old.
Frances: Oh, well, screw you, too.
Diane: Oh wow, they’re doing a Celebrity Survivor?
Frances: Yes! I can’t believe it.
Leslie: Celebrity Survivor? Are any celebrities gonna want to put themselves through that?
Sam: Yeah, I mean the biggest names they could get for Celebrity Big Brother were Kato Kaelin and the shrill-voiced guy from RuPaul’s Drag Race. And they were at least staying in a house.
Charlotte: Sam… you know who was on Celebrity Big Brother?
Sam: Sadly.
Diane: I made her watch it with me! She loved it no matter what she tells you.
Frances: How are you guys not more excited for this?
Garry: I don’t watch Survivor, Frances. And now I have a baby to take care of, I barely watch anything.
Leslie: Yeah, I don’t watch it either.
Frances: We’re changing that tonight.
Leslie: Sounds like a plan, I guess.
Diane: I’m thrilled for it, Frances. You know how much I love Survivor.
Sam: We remember the prolonged Survivor conversation from the documentary.
Leslie: Their ratings went way up the next week!
Frances: Well, we can’t help but express our love for it.
Diane: You should try to get on the celebrity season, Frances!
Frances: I would love to.
Sam: She would die!
Diane: No she wouldn’t! She’d do great!
Sam: Just like the rest of us, Frances is ancient.
Charlotte: She is not!
Frances: You are so sweet, Charlotte.
Sam: Come on, I love ya Frances, I’d be worried about you if you went on that show.
Diane: There’s been older contestants. Much older than Frances.
Sam: You’re a grown woman, Frances. Do what you want.
Leslie: Just ask Paul before you go applying. Wouldn’t want you to get your hopes up just for Paul to turn you down, you know.
Frances: Yeah, yeah. He’s nice now.
Sam: No he’s not.
Frances: He’s less unbearable now. He’ll let me do it. Does he really want to upset me?
Sam: I don’t know. It’s not like you’re Diane or me.
Frances: You’re right. I don’t throw hissy fits and quit shows over pay disputes.
Diane: It was in the name of feminism!
Frances: Sure.
Later, at the studio…
Paul: Guys, you’re late. I was actually a bit worried about you.
Leslie: Garry, care to tell him why we’re late?
Garry: I thought I lost my credit card at the restaurant because I couldn’t find it in my wallet. We had to drive back to search for it. Then it turned out it was just in my shirt pocket.
Sam: Freakin’ idiot!
Garry: Hey, at least I found it eventually.
Charlotte: I had to beg you to look in your pocket.
Sam: Because what idiot wouldn’t look in their pocket?
Frances: What idiot wouldn’t remember they put it there?
Garry: I’m sorry, okay!
Leslie: The only one you need to apologize to is the poor waitress you accused of stealing your card.
Garry: I did, I even gave her a fifty for her troubles.
Leslie: Yes, that perfectly makes up for accusing someone of grand larceny.
Garry: I didn’t say that. I just did what I could to repair the damage because we still have a few weeks left of eating there.
Sam: Make no mistake: Our food will be spit in from now on.
Charlotte: Hopefully just Garry’s.
Leslie: I think you guys need to get to hair and makeup. We’r already twenty minutes late, we don’t need to fall any further behind. Paul, you’ve been more than gracious waiting this long.
Paul: It’s no problem. It’s not taking any time away form anything fun.
Frances: I’m so glad you’re in a good mood today. I have something to ask.
Leslie: You can do it after you get ready for work. We all know you won’t forget it.
Frances: All right, fine.
Thirty minutes later…
Frances: All right, Paul. Time for our little chat.
Leslie: Good luck, Frances. 
Frances: Thanks!
Paul: What’s up?
Frances: I wanted to ask you about a very special opportunity.
Diane: Um, guys? Aren’t you forgetting why we’re here.
Leslie: Yeah, yeah. You guys go onstage and start. Frances, Paul, talk quietly so the mice don’t pick any of it up.
Paul: Will do.
Sam: Okay, let’s get going.
Sam and Diane walk onto the stage and start filming the episode.
Frances: Now that we don’t be rudely interrupted yet again, I can finally ask you.
Paul: I’m listening.
Garry: Sorry, just cutting through. I want a salty snack.
Charlotte: Garry, we just ate. Hands off and stop interrupting.
Frances: The universe does not want me to ask but I’m doing it anyway.
Paul: Seriously, all ears. You don't have to restart when someone interrupts.
Frances: Paul -
Paul: Yes? Still listening.
Frances: CBS is doing a very special new show called Celebrity Survivor. As you saw in the Bake Your Heart Out documentary, I love Survivor.
Paul: Oh, I didn’t watch that.
Leslie: Ass.
Paul: Kidding! I’m kidding!
Leslie: You are so lucky.
Frances: Anyway, I’m not just telling you this for small talk.
Paul: Of course not! Why are you telling me, though?
Frances: Paul, if you wouldn’t terribly mind, I would like to apply for Celebrity Survivor.
Paul: You what?
Frances: I want to be on Celebrity Survivor!
Paul: I heard you just fine. I’m just, a bit baffled is all.
Leslie: Uh-oh.
Frances: Baffled about what?
Garry: I’m gonna just go to my dressing room.
Charlotte: I’ll join you.
Leslie: Gee, thanks. Leave me here with them.
Frances: Paul, what are you baffled about?
Paul: Are you asking to be let out of your contract to be on this show? That’s not happening.
Frances: No, of course not! I will still do Bake Your Heart Out. Celebrity Survivor films in the offseason.
Paul: It’s not about scheduling conflicts. I just don’t see how I can let the star of my top show go on a rival network’s show and give it publicity. It’s bad business.
Frances: You’re saying no?
Paul: I’m saying no.
Frances: I need to go to my dressing room, then.
Leslie: Are you okay, Frances?
Frances (sobbing loudly): I’ll be fine.
Frances runs off.
Leslie: Cut, you guys. That was so loud that the pics definitely picked it up.
Diane: Is she okay? What happened?
Paul: I turned her down.
Diane: Ass.
In Frances’s dressing room…
Charlotte: Honey, are you okay? You’re really upset.
Frances: I didn't think I’d react like that. In didn’t think that would be Paul’s response.
Garry: Clearly he said no.
Frances: How’d you put that one together, Garry?
Charlotte: I’m so sorry, Frances. I know how much this Survivor show means to you.
Frances: It’s my passion, you know? I love the show, I wanted to live it myself and I saw that dream right there and Paul snatched it away.
Charlotte: Don’t give him so much power.
Diane: Frances, I saw you run off. You worried me.
Frances: I’m worrying me.
Diane: Don’t worry about Survivor. I know you love it, but it’s not worth getting upset over. Paul’s not worth getting upset over.
Charlotte: I tried to tell her that. Don't think it helped much.
Frances: It helped a little.
Charlotte: That’s a start.
Frances: I’m just disappointed. I thought Paul changed and he would let me do this to keep happy but he doesn’t care if I’m happy. He just cares about his own network’s ratings.
Garry: I guess you have to look at it his way, too. He’s a businessman, he can’t do something that might hurt the network’s business.
Charlotte: Can I say it?
Frances: Yes, go ahead.
Charlotte: Shut up, Garry!
Diane: Don’t you have a credit card to go find?
Garry: I deserved that.
That night, as the gang returns to the hotel after filming…
Melanie: Frances, you look depressed. What’s up?
Frances: How’d you know?
Melanie: Your eyes are all red. Like you were crying.
Frances: Are they? Were they like that at the studio? Will the viewers be able to notice?
Leslie: Allergies. They’ll think it’s allergies.
Frances: Will they?
Sam: No, she’s just being nice. Conspiracy theories will be started and devoted to your eyes.
Frances: Oh lord.
Sam: It could be worse. You could be Garry.
Garry: Last time I checked, I’m the only one in this group that’s married with a happy family.
Diane: That’s low, Garry.
Charlotte: I choose to be single!
Garry: I have to fight back sometimes, I’m sorry.
Sam: And now he’s apologizing. I regret any credit I gave him for fighting back.
Melanie: Seriously, though. What happened to you, Frances?
Sam: She had to see Garry.
Frances: No, that was just an added negative.
Garry: You know what? I won’t try to be a good friend and stick around here to chat. I’m going up to my room to spend time with my family.
Diane: We get it, you have a family. Great.
Garry: She’s moody today.
Sam: I love her like this.
Frances: They’re coming out with a new celebrity edition of Survivor. I wanted so desperately to be on it because Survivor is my favorite show.
Diane: We watch it together!
Frances: I asked Paul, the network president -
Melanie: Oh, I remember who he is. Ass.
Frances: I asked him to let me be on it. He said no.
Melanie: What? Why? Where’s he staying, I’m gonna go down there and beat some sense into him, Upper South Providence style.
Leslie: Please don't do that, I want my job and he will cancel the show.
Sam: No he wouldn’t. That is a sad, desperate man with like three shows in total on his network that anyone watches, and we’re one of them.
Melanie: Well what are you gonna do, Frances? You want to be on Celebrity Survivor. You’re gonna be.
Frances: No, I’m not. I’ve already started accepting it.
Charlotte: You cried into your crab fettuccine at dinner tonight, I don’t think you’ve quite accepted it yet.
Frances: So that’s why it was so salty.
Leslie: That and the fact that you dumped salt on it when you were trying to put some on your side vegetables.
Frances: My eyes were too filled with tears.
Sam: I didn’t know Frances could get this emotional. I’m not used to seeing her as a real person with actual emotions.
Diane: I think you’re confusing Frances with you.
Sam: Maybe I am.
Melanie: I have an idea. Let me know if it’s good.
Leslie: Oh, Frances will. I told her to just imagine she's on Survivor when she watches it but she thought that was a stupid idea.
Diane: To be fair, it was.
Frances: Fire away, Melanie. Your idea can’t be any worse than Leslie’s.
Leslie: I take great personal offense to that;
Melanie: Okay, so. When you go into work tomorrow, ask Paul for a talk.
Sam: That went very well today.
Melanie: He’ll agree to talk to you because he know he upset you and he’ll try to make you feel better without offering anything of importance.
Frances: Yeah, that sounds like Paul.
Melanie: Then, tell him that you won’t renew your contract if you don’t get to do Celebrity Survivor.
Diane: Melanie, sweetie, do your watch our show at all?
Melanie: No, not really. My grandmother does, remember? She watches it after -
Diane: Anderson Cooper, yes. Well, Sam and I tried that before and it didn’t go that well.
Sam: Diane had a meltdown that some dudes -
Diane: Freddy and William, my greatest enemies.
Sam: were getting paid more than us even though their show is a bomb and ours is a hit. She turned into freaking Gloria Steinem and demanded gender equality or we’d quit. We thought he’d budge. He did not and we ended up leaving the show.
Melanie: Oh, yeah. I remember that from the tabloids.
Diane: We did get our jobs back because the replacements sucked.
Frances: DeAnna Clifton more than sucked. She was the absolute worst person ever to choose as a replacement.
Melanie: I still think it’s worth a try. He won’t just let Frances walk out on the show without trying to make her feel better.
Frances: I really need this job. I live an extravagant lifestyle and need the money to keep that going.
Melanie: He’ll budge, I’m telling you.
Frances: Maybe it’s a worth a try, I don’t know.
Leslie: I’m with you if you want to try it. You still have two seasons left in your contract, not like you couldn’t change your mind by the end if you wanted to.
Frances: I guess I’ll do it.
Sam: You know, if I said that idea, Frances would call it dumb. Melanie says it, it’s brilliant. How does that work?
Diane: Because if you said it, people would assume you were just trying to set Frances up.
Sam: I would… yeah, I might do that.
The next day, during filming…
Frances: Paul, we gotta talk.
Paul: Frances! I haven’t seen you all day. And I completely agree. I’ve been thinking about this for a while.
Frances: Thinking about how you can control my dreams?
Paul: I’m not trying to control you in any way, I was just trying to do what’s best for the network. And, in fact, what I was thinking about was that what’s best for the network is to keep the stars of its top show happy.
Frances: I agree. What are you saying, though; because if it’s what I think you’re saying, I’m shocked.
Paul: I’m saying you can do your Celebrity Survivor show. I want you to be happy.
Frances (screaming): Oh my god!
Leslie: Oh, not again. Cut!
Diane: Frances, keep it down!
Sam: Yeah, we’re busy sending Sandy here back to the dunes on the Cape.
Sandra: What?
Diane: Oh, god. I’m so sorry about her.
Sam: To be fair, Sandra, you did do pretty terrible this week. It was pretty clear you weren’t staying.
Sandra: It could’ve been Holly.
Holly: Don’t throw me under the bus.
Sam: Just try to act really surprised when we say the results. It’s been a rough week for all of us, we’re just trying to get through this.
Frances: I get to go on Survivor and compete, this is the dream!
Sam: Yes, starving yourself and laying in the rain for a month sounds like the dream life.
Frances: It is for me!

What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return next week for another all-new episode and read spinoff show Frances In the Kitchen on Monday at 8!

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