Frances in the Kitchen Season 1 Episode 5 - Michigan in the Kitchen

Frances in the Kitchen Season 1, Episode 5
Michigan in the Kitchen

Lauren: Dad, come here.
Jimmy: What’s that in your hand?
Lauren: That’s why I’m asking you to come over here.
Louise: Can you read it to me? I’m busy making salads over here since Frances won’t let us eat together tonight.
Jimmy: She asked for one night alone with Greg, that’s it. I don’t think that’s a huge ask. We’ve taken up a lot of her time.
Lauren: Okay, I’ll read the letter. It’s from cousin Jackie.
Louise: Good god no. Does she want her more back from the house? Did she find out we have mold in the crawlspace?
Lauren: Let me just read the letter, mom.
Louise: Go ahead.
Lauren (reading the letter):
Dearest Jimmy, Louise, and Lauren,

I’m writing to inform you that -

Louise: Good lord, how pretentious. She sounds like she’s from Victorian England.
Jimmy: Let her read it first, Lou.
Louise: Never call me that ever again.
Jimmy: Sorry.
Lauren (reading the letter):
I’m writing to inform you that Saturday, September the 18th is the 90th birthday of our beloved Great Aunt Loretta. Obviously, Great Aunt Loretta isn’t getting any younger, and we don’t know if we’ll get to celebrate another milestone birthday with her. That’s why, along with my mom, I am throwing Great Aunt Loretta a birthday bash. I’ve invited the entire family, and it’s going to be a great time. Don’t worry about lodging, we have plenty of room for you here. We’re already anticipating you being here, so there is no need to RSVP. And please, make sure to get Frances and Greg out here. See you soon.

With love, 
Jimmy: Well that was…
Louise: Passive-aggressive? Yes, it really was.
Lauren: I guess we’re going to Michigan next week.
Louise: Oh no, I have to pack.
Lauren: We’re not staying in a hotel or anything, mom. You just have to pack clothing and some essentials. You don’t need to pack half the house like you usually do.
Jimmy: I guess I’ll tell ole’ Frances she’s coming to Michigan.
Louise: Do you really need to do that now? You’re gonna upset her. After all, she needs a night away from us.
Jimmy: This will be quick.
Jimmy leaves the guest house and knocks on Frances and Greg’s door.
Frances: Jimmy, what? Someone better be dead.
Jimmy: What?
Frances: I’m saying you better have. a really important reason to be disrupting my evening with my husband. We were watching that Tooth Fairy movie with that rock guy.
Jimmy: Rock Hudson?
Frances: That’s what I thought at first, too. His name is Dwayne Johnson, though. Once I saw him, I recognized him. Anyway, what are you doing here?
Jimmy: Frances, we got a letter from back home.
Frances: A letter? Are we on the homestead again? It’s 2010, not 1810.
Jimmy: I don’t know why they sent a letter, either. Maybe Jackie didn’t get our new phone number.
Frances: Jackie sent it? What did she have to say?
Jimmy: Great Aunt Loretta’s 90th birthday party is on Saturday the 18th. We're going.
Frances: Are we?
Jimmy: We haven’t been given the option to decline.
Frances: That’s unusual.
Jimmy: Everything about this family is.
Greg: What’s up, Frances?
Frances: We’re going home to Michigan.
Greg: Sounds great!
Frances: No, it doesn’t. Don’t be happy about this, Greg.
Greg: It’s been almost ten years since you’ve been to Michigan. It’s time, honey.
Frances: I know.
Jimmy: Frances, I know you haven’t wanted to come home since we lost mom.
Frances: You’re right, I haven’t. I still don’t, but I guess for Great Aunt Loretta, it’s time to return. She could croak at any second. Heck, she might not even make it to next Saturday.
Jimmy: You’re really on board?
Frances: Yes, really. Now, let us finish our movie. See you tomorrow! And tell Lauren I got some Marshmallow Fluff for her she can pick up tomorrow.
Jimmy: Goodnight, Frances.
Frances: ‘Night, Jimmy.
The next day, at work…
DeAnna: Frances! I got some ideas for my big appearance on your anniversary special.
Frances: I ask that you kindly direct those ideas to Beverly, as I do not wish to speak to you if I don’t have to.
DeAnna: You’re cranky today. Well, that’s every day, really.
Frances: Only when I’m seeing you. Now, fly off on your broom. I have work to do any allegedly you do, too.
DeAnna: Have a bad day!
Frances: You too!
Frances walks onto the set.
Beverly: Morning, Frances! Busy day today!
Frances: I want to apologize in advance.
Beverly: What did you do now?
Jane: She stuck DeAnna on you.
Frances: She’s gonna tell you her big ideas for the anniversary special. Humor her.
Beverly: I don’t have to use any of them, right?
Frances: I’d hope not!
Beverly: Okay, good.
Frances: Now, could we have a girls’ meeting in my dressing room?
Beverly: Sure. Marcia’s in her room, we’ll go get her.
In Frances’s dressing room…
Frances: All right, girls. I have some big news to share. I am going home.
Beverly: Home? You just got here.
Marcia: You’re not getting out of work that easily. At least fake an illness.
Frances: No, not my house. Home.
Beverly: Okay…
Frances: Michigan!
Jane: You’re from Michigan?
Beverly: Oh my… oh my lord.
Frances: Yes, Jane. I’m from Michigan. You might’ve been able to tell based off the Michigan mosaic in my house. The one you live in.
Jane: I’m sorry! I don’t take notice of things.
Beverly: We’ve noticed.
Marcia: What are you going back there for? It’s been so long. Not that I’m upset about it, I’m just shocked.
Frances: My great aunt is turning ninety. I figure I’d better see her before she goes six feet under like ma. I might check out her room at the Saginaw Shady Meadows so I can see if she’s got any valuables I’d want. Kidding, of course!
Marcia: That’s an interesting reason to go back. I’m glad, though. It’ll be healing
Frances: I hope so. I hope you guys like it, too.
Beverly: You what?
Frances: You’re all coming with, of course. I can’t travel without my entourage. You’re all family, anyway. My chosen family. Expect Marcia. She’s actually family.
Marcia: Unfortunately for me. Just kidding! I’m so much richer now because you married my brother.
Beverly: Are you really sure about us coming with. It’s such short notice.
Frances: Of course I am. I’m gonna need you all to help me cope with having to be in The Mitten.
Jane: I guess we’re packing mittens, then!
Frances: No, please don’t. I mean, it gets cold there around this time so you can if you want, but it’s not a requirement.
Jane: Why were you talking about mittens then?
Marcia: Because Michigan is shaped like a- you know what? Never mind.
Frances: It’s really not worth the hassle, Marcia.
The next week, at the airport in Michigan…
Jane: I’m hot, Frances!
Frances: I told you countless times not to wear mittens. Why don’t you listen, Jane?
Marcia: She’s incapable of listening.
Lauren: It’s good to be home.
Jane: You guys lived in the airport? No wonder you’re still living at Frances’s. You were poor!
Louise: Hey, we’re not the only ones living with her.
Lauren: I’m glad to be back in Michigan. I love California, but this is always gonna be home.
Greg: Is Jackie picking us up or do we need a rental car?
Louise: Jackie’s too lazy to pick us up.
Jimmy: She is not. She has a lot on her plate. A lot of us are coming for this.
Greg: I guess I’ll go get a car then.
Louise: I’m going with. For two reasons. One, I’d never let you pick out a car.
Greg: Ouch.
Louise: Two, we need two cars because Frances invited half of Los Angeles County.
Jimmy: Okay, you two go. Pick out a nice car for us, Louise.
Louise: I wouldn’t dream of picking a bad one. I’ll fight Greg for a good one if I have to.
Frances: Please don’t fight Greg. He’s fragile.
Greg: I’m not fragile. Certainly not too fragile to survive a beating from a sixty-year-old woman.
Louise: Are you calling me old?
Greg: No. No no no.
Frances: You know what? I think maybe Beverly should go get our car. Greg, stay here.
Beverly: Okay. If I don’t come back, I love you guys.
Louise: You’ll be fine, I’m not gonna kill you.
Beverly: Yep, whatever you say.
One hour later, they all arrive at Jackie’s house.
Jackie: Oh, my god! Look who’s here! Frances and Greg, good to have the both of you back!
Frances: That’s a Beatles reference. I’m old. I know that.
Jackie: Oh, I’ve missed you! No one else gets my references.
Louise: Oh my god, our house!
Lauren: What she meant to say was that we love what you’ve done with the place, Cousin Jackie.
Jackie: I don’t think it is, but thanks anyway. I tried to make it my own. It’s a huge house so it’s not nearly finished yet but this entire floor is done, so you can see my touches across here.
Frances: Is my sister here by any chance?
Jackie: Aunt Lara? She and Rich and the kids are downstairs. You can go see them if you want.
Nate (Jackie’s husband): Alyssa, Max. Go tell your Aunt Lara that Aunt Frances and Uncle Greg and the whole gang are here.
Louise: I almost feel like we’ve been forgotten. In our own home.
Jimmy: It’s not our home anymore, sweetie.
Marcia: Ha! Sweetie!
Frances and Jimmy’s sister Lara appears from the staircase with her husband Richard, daughter Jaime and son Dylan.
Lara: Frances! Greg! I never thought I’d see you set foot in Michigan again.
Frances: No one did! But I’m here! It’s so good to see you again.
Richard: Good to see you guys again.
Greg: You as well. I’ve tried to get her to come but Great Aunt Loretta’s the only thing that convinced her.
Dylan: Mom never would’ve come down here from the UP for anyone but Loretta so maybe she’s just magic.
Frances: Jaime, Dylan. I can’t believe how big you’ve gotten. Jaime, you were what, thirteen when I saw you last?
Jaime: Fourteen. Dylan was thirteen. You were close, though.
Marcia: It’s so great that we’re all back under one roof again.
Beverly: I feel a bit out of place, to be honest. I’m crashing the big reunion.
Lara: You’re family, Beverly. Frances talks about you all the time on the phone. You and a girl named Jane. I’m assuming that’s you.
Jane: Oh, yeah. I’m Jane. Nice to meet you.
Richard: Marcia, if you don’t mind.
Marcia: I don’t mind much, I’m a very open and accepting person.
Beverly: We get it, Marcia. You’re a Democrat. So am I, but I don’t rub it in.
Marcia: I’m ignoring you. What is it, Richard?
Richard: Um, you are white, and Greg is…
Greg: Asian?
Richard: Asian, yes. How are you two brother and sister?
Marcia: You see when two people love each other very much, and they can no longer have children, but their first turned out so wonderfully, they adopt. So that’s how Greggy became a Conner.
Jane: I’ve always wondered that myself. Thanks for asking, Ricardo.
Richard: It’s Richard. Or Rich. Not Ricardo. I’m not Desi Arnaz.
Jane: I don’t speak any other languages, I’m sorry. I don’t know what “Desi Arnaz” means in English.
Lara: Is she?
Frances: Always like this? Yes.
Jackie: I think we better let them all unpack so they can relax. It’s a long flight from LA.
Lauren: Yeah, Aunt Frances really needs to relax. She saw an old guy with a bad spray tan at the airport and thought it was someone she used to work with and hit her head on a plant trying to hide from him.
Frances: You were supposed to take that to your grave.
Later that night, when Frances creeps out of her bedroom, she sees Jane and Jaime kissing on the couch.
Frances: Oh my god! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! Greg! Wake up!
Greg: Frances, what’s wrong? I just got to sleep, this bed is so uncomfortable.
Frances: I just, I just, oh god.
Greg: You’re hyperventilating.
Jane: Frances, I’m sorry!
Greg: What happened?
Frances: Jane was. She was. Jane was-
Jaime: She was kissing me. It’s no big deal. We’re both adults.
Frances: Oh my god.
Beverly: What the deal out here? You woke me up!
Marcia: It’s so hard to wake her up, too. She fell asleep on the plane and I had to punch her to wake her up when we had to get off. Who sleeps that well on a plane?
Frances: My innocence has been stolen, and I want to die.
Greg: You haven’t had that in a long time.
Marcia: Now I wanna die.
Jane: Guys, I’m sorry. Jaime and I both couldn’t sleep and she started crying and said her girlfriend broke up with her and I told her about Kara and the next thing you know...
Frances: Yeah, next thing I know.
Beverly: What happened?
Frances: They were kissing.
Beverly: Kissing? Oh my god, you made a scene and woke us up over kissing?
Marcia: The way you were talking, they were in… the middle of… something else.
Beverly: What are you even awake for right now?
Frances: I was hungry and wanted a midnight snack. I was going to the kitchen for a cookie. They’re good.
Jaime: I made them with Jackie!
Frances: Of course you did. I’m going to bed, goodnight guys.
Greg: I’ll be asleep by two, hopefully!
The next morning…
Louise: Jimmy, did you hear something last night?
Jimmy: What? No. You’re hearing things now.
Lauren: I did.
Greg: Yeah, so did I.
Lauren: I wonder what it was.
Jane: I scarred Frances for life.
Lauren: Were you naked again? I’ll never forget that time I found you skinny-dipping in the pool. At three PM.
Jane: No, I was kissing Jaime.
Lauren: Oh, my god!
Jimmy: No wonder you frightened her. Frances hasn’t seen Jaime in so long that she still sees her as that little kid that plays with Barbies and can’t pronounce the letter “r” right.
Frances: Jimmy’s right.
Jane: Oh, Frances! You’re up.
Greg: Somehow, she got the most sleep of us all.
Frances: Quiet, Greg.
Greg: Yes, Frances.
Frances: Jane, I’m sorry.
Jane: No, I’m sorry. I should’ve asked you first before I did anything with Jaime.
Jaime: We’re adults, you didn’t have to ask my aunt.
Frances: Jaime’s right, too. I’m sorry. I still see her as a kid and you as my kid. It was gross to me because of that but you guys don’t see it that way. You’re not related in any way. You can do whatever you want. I’m just a bit disappointed in you, Jaime. You never came out to me. I’ve always been a big supporter of gay rights, I hope you don’t think I’d be upset with you for being yourself.
Jaime: No, not at all. I didn’t even tell mom and dad until recently. It’s nothing against you.
Frances: Well, now that that’s cleared up, I think we have a party to get ready for.
Jaime: Aunt Charlene and Uncle Elmer should be here soon to help Jackie.
Jackie: Mom’s picking up Uncle George and Aunt Sandy and Cousin Alec first. Then she’ll be here.
Frances: Who’s picking up Great Aunt Loretta? Or is she driving herself?
Louise: Hopefully with better interior decoration skills.
Jimmy: Louise, be nice
Louise: My house looks like we’re in Colonial Williamsburg.
Lauren: I like it!
Jackie: Thank you. And, Cousin Wendy and Mark are picking up Great Aunt Loretta. Elsa and Victor are meeting them here.
Frances: Victor?
Jackie: Oh, Elsa’s new husband! We have so much to catch you up on!
Frances: Thank god we’re here for the week!
Beverly: I can’t believe this all resolved so nicely. I’m a little disappointed.
Marcia: I know! I was hoping for there to at least be a bit of underlying tension.
Later that night, after the party…
Frances: I’m going to bed, you guys. I’m all tuckered out from that party I’ve never talked so much in my life.
Louise: I doubt that very much. Your mouth runs like a duck’s ass.
Frances: Jane and Jaime, I won’t freak out if I see anything, I promise. But I’m taking a few cookies to bed with me, just in case.
Jane: We’ll try to do it in my room from now on to protect you.
Frances: Oh, god.
Jane: Kidding! Maybe.
Frances: Good night!
Frances closes the door to her room and gets into bed.
Greg: That was fun.
Frances: It sure was. I don’t know why we didn’t come back earlier. You should’ve suggested it.
Greg: No comment.
Frances: You know, we’re finally alone. You wanna foo-
Loretta: Frances, who’s taking me home?
Frances: Oh my god, what are you doing in here!

What did you think of the episode? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return next week for another all-new episode!

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