Frances in the Kitchen Season 1, Episode 6
The C Word in the Kitchen
Marcia is at home, looking into her bathroom mirror.
Marcia: Howard, could you come in here my beloved?
Howard (Marcia’s husband): What’s wrong, Marcia?
Marcia: Feel my breast.
Howard: Oh, kinky. It’s only six o’clock, you’re usually not in the mood unt-
Marcia: Get your mind out of the gutter, Howard.
Howard: Why else are you standing in front of my topless asking me to grab you?
Marcia: Think of why a person may need a second opinion on how their boob feels. Just think.
Howard: Umm…
Marcia: I felt a lump.
Howard: Oh, my god. Are you sure?
Marcia: Obviously not, that’s why I’m asking for a second opinion.
Howard: All right, let me feel.
Howard grabs Marcia’s breast.
Marcia: Ouch!
Howard: Sorry, I don’t make a habit of just grabbing. Where am I supposed to be looking exactly?
Marcia: Never mind. This was a pointless exercise. I’m gonna go over to Greg and Frances’s to tell them what’s going on because I know what I felt and I know what it could be.
Howard: I can go with, you know.
Marcia: Don’t worry. I want to do it alone. It’ll be hard enough without you there crying along with them.
Howard: Okay, I guess I’ll see you later.
Thirty minutes later, Marcia knocks on Frances and Greg’s door.
Frances: Marcia! Why, I just saw you a few hours ago at work. Did I accidentally take your purse home again?
Marcia: In, I need to come in.
Greg: Come on in, Marcia. You're sure acting strange, though. It’s scaring me.
Marcia: We need to talk.
Frances: Oh no, are you breaking up with me. That’s how all of my boyfriends started our breakups.
Louise: How many boyfriends did you have?
Frances: All right, it was just the one.
Marcia: Please, I really need to tell you this. Jane should probably be here, too.
Frances: Jane is at the mall, she wanted to get something for a “special lady.” She said she has to stop at the Post Office afterward, so I can only assume it’s for my niece Jaime. Lucky me.
Marcia: I can tell her tomorrow, I guess.
Lauren: Tell her what?
Marcia: Are they always around?
Greg: Yes.
Jimmy: And we love it!
Marcia: Okay, I’m glad you’re all here too because I’m fond of you. I think that I have cancer.
Greg: What? You what?
Frances: Marcia, are you sure?
Marcia: No, I’m not sure.
Greg: Why’d you tell sun then?
Marcia: Because I have a sneaking suspicion. There’s a lump on my breast. Howard tried to feel for it as well but he didn’t know where to look. It felt so uncomfortable and scary and I just told him to forget it. He meant well.
Frances: Do you need me to give you a second opinion?
Marcia: Frances, I need at least three dates before I let someone go to second base like that.
Louise: At least you still have your sense of humor, that’s something.
Jimmy: When good ole’ Aunt Betsy died of cancer, the joy was just ripped from her right when that diagnosis came down. It’s understandable, but she just wasn't the same.
Marcia: Y’know, I think it’s almost more terrifying to not know if I have it or not than to just assume I do. The wondering if I do or don’t have it just to ultimately have it would be such emotional whiplash. I don’t think I could take it. So for now, I’m just acting like I’ve got it and we’ll see if the doctors prove me wrong.
Frances: When are you going to the doctor?
Marcia: Well, I came over here right after I discovered it so I don’t have an appointment or anything, but I’m gonna try to get in tomorrow if I can.
Frances: Do you want me to take you? Or even meet you there for support?
Greg: I’ll go, too. If you want, of course.
Marcia: I’m gonna just go on my own, I think. I’m fine with doing this alone. I’ll need the support even more later.
Frances: Okay, sounds good. Would you like to join us for dinner? We’re just about to eat some spaghetti made by Louise.
Louise: It’s my grandmother’s recipe. She was a raging alcoholic so she put a lot of booze in there and I honor that tradition.
Jimmy: It’s delicious.
Louise: Oh, you have to say that!
Frances: As somewhat of an expert on food, it was always very good when I had it before. Marcia, you should try it.
Marcia: No, I’d better get home. Howard’s waiting for me.
Louise: Did you make dinner yet?
Marcia: No, not yet. I went right in the shower after work and then, you know.
Louise: Then you’re taking some booze-ghetti home for you and Howard. You deserve it after today and there’s plenty left.
Marcia: That’s very sweet.
Louise: It’s no trouble, really.
Lauren: She makes enough to feed the whole neighborhood.
Jimmy: One time, we had leftovers for two weeks. There was just so much food.
Marcia: I’m still really grateful you’re giving me some. The less I have to do tonight, the better.
Greg: Marcia…
Marcia: Yes, Greg?
Greg: You’re going to get through this.
Marcia: I sure hope so.
Greg: No, you are going to. You’re my sister and I love you and I need you to survive this. You’re the only family I have left.
Frances: Uh, excuse me.
Jimmy: Yeah, excuse me.
Greg: You guys know what I mean. Not my wife or her family. My immediate family. She’s all I’ve got.
Marcia: Greg, I can’t promise you anything. However, I fully intend on being here to harass you for years to come.
Greg: That’s the spirit we need to have.
Marcia: I will get by, I will survive.
Jimmy: Did you just quote the Grateful Dead?
Louise: What a hippie!
Jane: My god, you all look so sad. Who died?
Marcia: I might be.
Jane: What?
Marcia: Long story.
The next day, at work…
DeAnna: Frances! Would you look at that?, Already depressed from the ribbing I’m about to give you?
Frances: No today, DeAnna.
DeAnna: What’s wrong? Can’t stand to hear how right I am any longer?
Frances: I’m just not in the mood today.
DeAnna: No one’s in the mood to get told how wrong and annoying they are, Frances.
Frances: It’s very private and I don’t feel like talking about it to you of all people.
DeAnna: Is your husband gay? No wonder he’d marry you, that’s the only explanation.
Jane: She said leave her alone!
DeAnna: Fine, be like that.
DeAnna storms onto the set of her show.
Frances: I appreciate that, Jane. Thank you. She is so annoying. Especially today.
Jane: How are we going to tell Beverly?
Frances: I don’t know. It’s not going to be easy, though. I can’t even say the words without crying.
Jane: I can’t even imagine how you feel. I’ve only known Marcia for three years and I love her enough that I’ve been crying all day. She’s your family.
Frances: She and Beverly have been the best of friends for ten years now. She’s not going to take it well. I did think of something, though. It won’t make Marcia any better but it could make something good out of this. I’m going to bring it up to Beverly.
Jane: You’re always a thinker, boss!
Frances and Jane walk into the studio.
Beverly: Guys, you made it here before Marcia! Where is she, by the way? She’s late and she is never late. That’s kinda my thing.
Frances: Let’s go talk in your office, Beverly.
Jane: We have distressing news.
Beverly: I can’t believe you even know the word “distressing.”
Jane: Well, I do. Now can we go to your office?
Beverly: Sure, I guess.
In Beverly’s office…
Frances: Beverly, neither of us are shocked that we beat Marcia.
Beverly: Is she okay? You’re scaring the crap out of me now.
Frances: Marcia’s at the doctor’s office.
Beverly: Is she sick?
Jane: We don’t know yet.
Beverly: Huh? Why is she at the doctor then?
Frances: She found a lump on her breast last night. She thinks she has breast cancer.
Beverly: Oh my god.
Frances: That was the common reaction when everyone was told.
Jane: She wanted to tell you, but she got an early doctor’s appointment and had to take it. Hence, her having us tell you.
Beverly: Seriously, did you find a dictionary or something?
Jane: I have always been smart!
Beverly: This is too somber a moment for me to laugh, but just know that inside, I’m in stitches.
Jane: You have stitches? That’s not good!
Beverly: There’s the Jane I know!
Frances: I want to do something for Marcia, even if I can’t make her any healthier myself. I want to do a telethon to raise awareness and raise money to find a cure.
Beverly: We can do that. Certainly.
Frances: Can you call Charlie up and ask him if we can do it next week? I want her to be strong and healthy when we do it, I don’t want the planning to take months. I don’t even want to know whether she has it or not when we do it.
Beverly: I’ll call him now and pull some strings.
Fifteen minutes later, in the parking lot…
DeAnna: My god, Marcia. You’re late today.
Marcia: I’m not having a great day, DeAnna.
DeAnna: Neither am I. My new assistant, Eduardo left to get coffee a half hour ago and still isn’t back. I’m a little worried he just quit already. That would be my tenth assistant this year.
Marcia: Oh, that’s a shame. I might have breast cancer.
DeAnna: I’m sorry, I didn’t know. I can’t believe Frances didn’t tell me.
Marcia: She does hate you, that might be why.
DeAnna: She was particularly nasty today so that makes sense now.
Marcia: Yeah, your sister-in-law maybe dying usually does that to a person. I better get in there now, I’ve delayed them enough.
DeAnna: We’re on opposing team, as you know, but I’m going to be thinking of you. You need anything, let me know.
Marcia: Thanks, I appreciate it. Unlike what Frances said, you aren’t always evil.
DeAnna: That’s sweet.
Marcia walks into the set and doesn’t see anyone.
Marcia: Oh, come on. I’m not that late. Surely they didn’t go home yet.
Marcia walks back to Frances’s dressing room, the green room, and finally to Beverly’s office.
Jane: Marcia! You’re here! How are you feeling?
Beverly: Give me a hug!
Marcia hugs Beverly.
Marcia: I’m feeling okay, not sick at all. They did a biopsy and they said I’ll have results in between three and five days.
Frances: Well, we are all going to pray and send good thoughts to you. We’ll get through it together.
Marcia: Thank you. I know some people don't have any support system and I have such a large one and I’m so lucky.
Frances: Well, mostly sucky. Most people don’t have to see DeAnna Clifton every day. If you got it, we’re moving studios. Being around her won’t help you feel any better.
Marcia: Actually, I ran into her on the way in and she was very nice.
Frances: Are we sure she isn’t the sick one?
Jane: Even the worst among us can sometimes have moments of goodness.
Marcia: That was… actually insightful.
Frances: I don’t know. Some people can but DeAnna? That woman is pure evil.
Beverly: Are you gonna tell Marcia what we’re doing, Frances?
Frances: Oh, gosh, yes.
Marcia: What are you doing? Are we going to Disneyland? I’ve always wanted to go. It’s on my buck-
Beverly: Don’t say it. Don’t say “bucket list.” You’re not dying.
Marcia: I wasn’t saying I was dying.
Beverly: Whoops.
Frances: Unfortunately, now you’ve got your hopes way too high and this will be a letdown.
Marcia: It won’t be a letdown if it’s from the heart.
Frances: We had Jane make you a new beaded necklace!
Marcia: Oh… that’s nice.
Frances: Ha! I knew you’d be let down if it sucked that bad. That necklace could’ve been from the heart but you were disappointed.
Marcia: Are you really pulling a prank on a woman with cancer?
Jane: Yeah, Frances. That was mean!
Frances: Oh, you’re just saying that because it involved a bit of humor pointed at you.
Jane: I got Jaime a beaded necklace at the mall. Are you saying that’s a bad gift?
Frances: I’m sorry.
Marcia: What's my surprise? Don’t leave me waiting, I might not have the time!
Frances: We’re doing a breast cancer telethon next Monday. I know it’s hard to find anything positive in this experience but I figured you’d want something good to come out of it and this is what I can do. I don’t know if we’re gonna make much of any money or even make a difference, but they’re gonna give us ninety minutes to at least try. Best of all, in my eyes at least, DeAnna’s show will be preempted.
Marcia: That’s really sweet. I’m emotional. You got me emotional, Frances.
Beverly: This was her idea, too. She’s not even taking credit for something I came up with.
Jane: Or something I came up with!
Beverly: Jane… come on.
Jane: I come up with things!
Beverly: You suggested that we get a hot water machine in the office so you could make France her tea faster. That’s the extent of your successful ideas around here, really.
Jane: I know. I just didn’t want to feel left out.
Beverly: You’re a valuable member of the team, don’t worry. Just not the brains around here.
Frances: Should we get to work now? It’s pretty late and we have a whole episode to film.
Beverly: Oh my god, I forgot. We’re supposed to have that lady from SNL with a big forehead on with you today.
Frances: Let get moving!
Four days later, Marcia knocks on Frances’s door early in the morning.
Louise: Marcia? What are you doing here?
Marcia: Louise? What are you doing here?
Louise: What are you doing here?
Marcia: What are you doing here?
Lauren: Oh my god! Mom and I are here for breakfast. Aunt Frances is in the bathroom getting ready for work and dad and Uncle Greg are watching TV.
Jimmy: Hi, Marcia!
Greg: Marcia! Did you get any news?
Marcia: Wow, that’s a lot of hearing my own name.
Frances: Marcia!
Marcia: There we go again. Could you get Jane up here, please?
Frances: What happened?
Marcia: Just get her up here, I’ll tell you then.
Lauren: I’ll go get her.
Lauren walks to the basement and returns one minute later with Jane.
Jane: What’s going on? I’m very busy preparing for my long day today. We’ll be gone until at least nine o’clock, you know.
Marcia: I wanted to deliver some news in person.
Greg: Good news, I hope.
Jimmy: The suspense is killing me!
Louise: Jimmy! Really?
Jimmy: Oh sorry.
Marcia: No need to be sorry. I’m fine.
Frances: Clarify, please. You’re fine as in you don’t mind Jimmy being a dumbass -
Jimmy: Hey!
Frances: Or you’re fine as in you’re perfectly healthy?
Marcia: I’m healthy. I don’t have breast cancer.
Greg: Give me a hug!
Jane: Me too!
Lauren: Let’s just do a group hug!
Jimmy: Let me finish my bagel!
Louise: Just set it down, Jimmy. This is a nice moment.
Marcia: I’m so glad you were all here to keep me sane these few days. I know you would've been there for me through the whole journey if I actually had cancer.
Frances: We’re always going to be here for you, Marcia. Always.
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| In Loving Memory Ruth Bader Ginsburg 1933-2020 |
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