Bake Your Heart Out Season 2 Episode 12 - Michigoose, Michigander

Bake Your Heart Out Season 2, Episode 12
Michigoose, Michigander

Frances runs into the living room shouting, startling Leslie and causing her to drop her mug.

Leslie: You owe me a new mug from the Newport Mansions.

Frances: Yeah, yeah. I get paid like ten grand for every word I say on camera, I can afford it.

Leslie: You aren’t really paid by word, right? I mean, that would explain some things but still. You aren’t, right?

Frances: No, silly! Now, I have some huge news. My family is coming to Rhode Island to visit.

Leslie: All of them?

Frances: Well, Jimmy told me he and Louise are flying in from Michigan with Jaime and Jane.

Leslie: Explain who these people are. I kinda tune you out when you talk about your family.

Frances: Okay, Jimmy is my brother. Louise is his wife.

Leslie: That I know.

Frances: Jaime is my niece. Not Jimmy’s daughter, but my sister Lara’s. Lara is too busy to fly out. Jaime is a lesbian who is married to Jane, my former assistant. You cut me off prematurely but my other niece Lauren, Jimmy’s girl, is also flying out from California.

Leslie: I’ve met her before!

Frances: She’s so sweet. She’s been so busy working as an actress on some cable show that I haven’t been able to see her much. But, finally, she’s going to visit me. She said she’s always wanted to visit Rhode Island, so I guess me moving across the country from her is all it took to finally see her.

Leslie: When are they coming?

Frances: Well, it’s Tuesday, so, three days.

Leslie: Three days? Oh, wow. That’s soon.

Frances: Yeah. I told them they better get here quick because we don’t have much more time here ourselves.

Leslie: Only two-and-a-half more weeks.

Frances: Yeah. Gonna be weird going back to California after living here for months.

Leslie: It already feels like winter in California here. I need a sweater just to walk downstairs for the mail.

Frances: You were pampered by being a lifelong Californian. This is nothing compared to Michigan winters.

Leslie: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Three days later…

Sam: Where is Frances?

Leslie: At the airport. Garry drove us today.

Sam: Wait, what?

Charlotte: It’s terrifying, I know. He’s a horrible driver.

Sam: Garry being bad at something? No way.

Garry: I’m right here, guys!

Diane: Will Frances be joining us for breakfast?

Leslie: No, she’s helping her family at the hotel. They have a lot of luggage, she’s not gonna make it for breakfast.

Sam: What, she doesn’t want to join us for our fiftieth-straight morning of Johnny Cakes and coffee milk?

Charlotte: What even is coffee milk?

Garry: The stuff you think is chocolate milk.

Charlotte: I always thought this restaurant just had weird-tasting milk!

Sam: Listen, we’ve all been working… mildly hard these past few months. Hard to blame Charlotte for not being able to tell the difference between chocolate and coffee.

Garry: She does judge a baking show. She probably should be able to tell.

Charlotte: Shut up, Garry!

Meanwhile, back at the Riviera Inn…

Melanie: Frances, that’s a lot of luggage in your arms. Do you need help?

Frances (wheezing): No.

Melanie: You need help, come on. Gimme that.

Frances: Thank you, I just didn’t want to seem needy.

Melanie: You were about to go into cardiac arrest. Or respiratory failure. Or both. I had to help.

Frances: It’s very much appreciated.

Melanie: I’ve been in your room, Frances. You have a lot of stuff there already. Why do you need so much more luggage?

Frances: It’s not mine. It’s my family’s.

Melanie: Your family? That’s today? I saw a bunch of people named MacKenzie checking in today, I never realized that was your family!

Frances: Yeah, that’s them.

Melanie: That must be why that man kept referencing his sister.

Frances: That’s Jimmy! He’s very proud of me.

Melanie: He should be! You’re a big star and a lovely lady.

Frances: Aww, thank you.

Melanie: Are they upstairs yet? They should help you with their luggage.

Frances: Jimmy’s up there. The others are still coming. None of them are exactly light packers.

Melanie: I’m here all day, I’ll be happy to help.

Frances: What are you doing here so early again? You’re usually not here in the morning.

Melanie: Filling in for one of the other girls again. You know how it goes.

Louise: Frances! You just grabbed luggage and darted off! You didn’t even bother showing us where the lobby entrance is.

Frances: Melanie, this is my sister-in-law, Louise.

Louise: Lovely to meet you, Wendy.

Frances: It’s Melanie. I just said her name is Melanie.

Louise: I’m sorry, I was looking at her name tag and I don’t have my glasses on so I thought it said Wendy.

Frances: You’re old, but you’re not that old!

Louise: I am not old!

Lauren: Well…

Frances: Lauren! Oh my god, it feels like forever since I’ve seen you, kiddo. I didn’t think you’d me here for another hour or so.

Lauren: The irony that I live an hour away from you but you’ve seen mom and dad way more than you've seen me.

Frances: We’re together now, that’s what matters.

Louise: Plus, all those years where we lived in your guest house certainly was enough togetherness time for Frances for many years to come.

Frances: Other than the fact that that definitely ruined my marriage, I loved that time.

Louise: How is Uncle Greg?

Frances: Dead. I dunno. Haven’t spoken to him. Marcia never talks about him.

Melanie: Who is Greg? And who is Marcia?

Jimmy: Her ex-husband and her ex-sister-in-law!

Frances: Jimmy, your daughter is here.

Lauren: Hi dad!

Melanie: I feel like I’m intruding on a family reunion.

Jane: Oh, hi!

Louise: Eh, she was doing that already.

Jane: I am part of this family now. You know that.

Louise: I was at your wedding, yes. That doesn’t mean I accept you as family. Just an in-law.

Frances: How sweet. The gang is all together again.

Jaime: Excuse me, you said that before you knew I was in here.

Frances: Jaime, I saw you ten minutes ago. I was including you, don’t worry.

Jimmy: I love our little reunion, but I think we need to get moving with this luggage. We’re all standing in the lobby. What if someone wants to get through here?

Melanie: Don’t worry, we’re in Rhode Island. All we have here is the beach, that’s where every single hotel guest right now.

Frances: I have to get to work, anyway. We need to get moving.

Louise: You're working today? And you’re helping us out? Why?

Jane: Frances is a nice person, that’s why.

Louise: Quiet, dingbat.

Frances: She really is the Garry of our family.

Jimmy: Who’s Garry?

Frances: Do you not watch my show?

Jimmy: Of course we do!

Frances: Garry has been my co-judge for five years.

Jimmy: I wasn’t sure what Garry you meant.

Frances: Who else would I mean? Shandling? Oldman?

Jimmy: It could’ve been Busey.

Frances: It wasn’t. It was the only Garry I know. Anyway, this has been fun. Let’s get that luggage unloaded and get me to work before Leslie beheads me.

Jimmy: Leslie?

Frances: Oh god, not this again.

Jimmy: Kidding!

Lauren: Oh, Derek, you’re here!

Frances: Who is Derek?

Louise: Lauren’s boyfriend.

Frances: Her what? This is a family gathering. No boyfriends.

Jaime: Word on the street is he won't be her boyfriend for long.

Louise: You be quiet about that!

Frances: Oh, great, she brought a boyfriend she’s gonna break up with to the family get-together.

One hour later, at the studio…

Paul: Oh, thank god you’re finally here!

Leslie: He wouldn’t shut up, Frances. Kept asking if you were coming. I almost punched him.

Charlotte: To be fair, you always want to punch him.

Paul: What did I ever do to you?

Diane: Think, Paul. Just think.

Paul: I get why you hate me.

Diane: Hated. Hated. Not anymore.

Frances: Anyway, now that that’s over with, uh, this is my family. My brother Jimmy, my sister-in-law Louise, my niece Lauren, her boyfriend, um…

Lauren: Derek.

Frances: Yes, Derek. And this is my other niece, Jaime, and her wife, Jane. The lovely Jane.

Diane: We’ve heard so much about you.

Jimmy: Aww, that’s sweet. You talk about your ole’ brother, Frannie!

Diane: No, Jane.

Jimmy: Oh…

Sam: It’s nice to meet you all.

Charlotte: We keep meeting everyone’s family while we’re here in Rhode Island. I feel like I’m gonna have to get mom and dad to fly out from England to meet you the gang.

Leslie: You haven’t met my family.

Charlotte: We have time to change that.

Garry: You already met my family.

Sam: Not everything is about you, Garry. Shut up.

Frances: Leslie, where do you want this ragtag group of people all somehow related to me?

Paul: It’s not like you guys get to see a TV set every day.

Lauren: Well, I do.

Paul: Oh yeah, you’re on that show about an assassin, right?

Lauren: Yes, that’s the one. Three Emmy nominations for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series, not that I’m bragging or anything.

Frances: Jimmy, can you be quiet during filming?

Jimmy: Of course!

Frances: You better. You wouldn’t shut up when I went to go see that documentary about Ruth Bader Ginsburg with you guys when I was in Michigan a few years ago.

Jimmy: That was one time. I shouldn’t have left Louise with the bag of candy.

Frances: Okay, I’ll trust you this time.

Paul: So we’re ready to go?

Frances: Look at me, Paul.

Paul: You look great.

Frances: I need to go to hair and makeup.

Leslie: You have a while until we need you for filming. Sam and Diane have to tell the contestants what they’re making and then they gotta make it. Don’t worry. We can film without you for a while.

Sam: She should have to sit through this.

Garry: Just give her a break, Sam.

Sam: Garry, don’t get brave.

Frances: I appreciate that, Garry.

Leslie: Come on, let’s get filming.

Diane: I’m ready to go! I love a good croquembouche!

Sam: A what? A crocheted blanket? This is a baking show. The Great American Knit-Off is on a different network.

Diane: A croquembouche. It’s a dessert. One that’s been made before on this show.

Sam: I’m just here to provide some light humor. Not to know baking terms.

Three hours later…

Sam: Alec, your croquembouche was, baldly, to die for. You are this week’s Top Baker, and you’re in the finals. And please, when we’re done filming, explain to me what a croquembouche is. You’re clearly gifted at making them.

Alec: Will do!

Sam: Ella, you’re also on your way to the finals.

Alec: Woo hoo!

Sam: I gave the good news, so Diane, you get the bad.

Diane: Really? This week? I don’t wanna do it now. This is the worst.

Jimmy: Just don’t do it!

Paul: Really?

Leslie: You’ve done it before. Somehow this is common on this show. Diane, just keep going, we can cut that out!

Diane: Will do! Julianna and Holly, you make up this week’s bottom two. I don’t want to say goodbye to either of you so close to the finale, but I must.

Jimmy: No, you don’t!

Frances: Jimmy, I swear to god. This is not a show with audience participation.

Jimmy: Sorry…

Louise: I’ll kill you if you embarrass me one more time.

Jimmy: I’m sorry.

Jaime: Oh my god, oh my god. This is…

Jane: What is it?

Frances: Everyone just shut up!

Leslie: Diane, just eliminate someone now. The viewers will wonder why Frances looks pissed so suddenly, but just announce it. We can edit this out, I just want to go to dinner.

Diane: Unfortunately, we must say goodbye to…

Jimmy: I bet it’s Ella.

Louise: She’s safe!

Frances: Get out!

Diane: Unfortunately, we must say goodbye to Julianne. I’m sorry, but your leaning croquembouche didn’t taste good enough to overcome how much it was lacking structurally.

Julianna: This has been an amazing experience, thank you.

Frances: Has it been?

Diane: Thank you for watching Bake Your Heart Out…

Sam: Good night!

Leslie: Cut!

Frances: Jimmy, what was that?

Jimmy: I’m sorry!

Frances: Not sorry enough!

Charlotte: Dinner’s gonna be so awkward.

Garry: I’m gonna be there, it’ll be awkward enough.

Charlotte: Don’t burn yourself, Garry. That’s just sad.

That night, at the hotel, Frances storms up to her room.

Melanie: What happened to Frances? She seems upset.

Diane: Her family embarrassed her on the set.

Garry: It wasn’t that bad.

Charlotte: It wasn’t good.

Frances enters the lobby.

Frances: I forgot my room key in the car! And also, my purse.

Leslie: Frances, calm down. It’s okay.

Frances: Never tell a woman to calm down.

Leslie: I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

Frances: I’m not mad, I’m just embarrassed. They’re so embarrassing sometimes.

Sam: Frances, come on. No one on the planet has ever not been embarrassed by their family. We all have weird relatives. I have an uncle who thought he was childhood friends with President Johnson. Not that President Johnson. The first one. My uncle was later diagnosed with a mental condition, but still, that didn’t stop him from interrupting my college graduation.

Frances: My family is incredible compared to that.

Diane: Your family is incredible compared to most. They love you.

Sam: Yeah, they came all the way to Rhode Island for you. That’s dedication.

Melanie: I’d take offense to that, but I know you love it here. Probably more than I do.

Frances: Okay, I will go tell my family I’m fine and maybe we can all go out for dinner. Sorry, Melanie.

Melanie: No worries. I got a Lean Cuisine in the freezer for me. I'm good.

Diane: You’re already so tiny, what are you eating Lean Cuisine for?

Melanie: My grandma had it in the freezer and I forgot to make myself something to eat tonight since I had to work earlier so I just grabbed that.

Frances: Don’t you get off earlier since you work earlier?

Melanie: I wish.

Leslie: All right, we’d better get going. Frances’ entire family is waiting for us.

Charlotte: Why did we even come back here?

Garry: I know you all hate me, but I don’t think it’s that hard to remember that I too have a family.

Frances: Yeah, but your family isn’t as outrageous as mine.

At the restaurant…

Frances: I’m so glad to see you guys. I’m sorry I got so annoyed.

Louise: You didn’t get nearly annoyed enough if you ask me.

Jimmy: No one asked you.

Frances: Stop the fighting. Now, Lauren, I still can’t believe you brought your boyfriend along! A Hollywood boyfriend, no less!

Lauren: You were waiting for him to go to the bathroom just to say that, weren’t you.

Frances: I was dying from the anticipation. I’m so surprised you brought him. You never even told me about him!

Lauren: We’ve been dating a year, he wanted to meet you. I’m sorry I forgot to tell you, I’ve been so busy with filming.

Frances: It’s okay. I’m just giving you a hard time. He seems nice. Maybe not “bring to Rhode Island nice,” but he seems nice.

Lauren: I’m glad you like him.

Jimmy: If it makes you feel better, Frances. I only learned about him ten months ago.

Frances: That’s… no, that doesn’t make me feel better.

Sam: Lauren, I think your boyfriend just tripped on his way back from the bathroom. He’s on the floor.

Lauren: What? Derek, where a-

Derek: Lauren Marie MacKenzie

Charlotte: Such a pretty name.

Louise: Thank you! Jimmy had no say in it.

Derek: I have loved you since the day I first met you on the set and your first question for me was “Are you here with my breakfast?” You thought I was your Grubhub delivery man, but in reality, I was your new co-star. You were embarrassed once you recognized that, but I thought it was just adorable. We’ve been inseparable ever since. I want to take that a step further.

Diane: Oh my god, Sam, look!

Sam: I have eyes.

Diane: I love love.

Derek: Lauren, will you be my wife? Will you marry me?

Lauren: Yes. I will marry you.

Frances: Oh, so that’s why you said they wouldn’t be boyfriend and girlfriend much longer.

Louise: yes. We just couldn’t tell you because, you know.

Frances: Completely understand, I have a huge mouth. Congratulations, kiddo.

Lauren: Thank you.

Frances: Rhode Island truly brings us all together.

Sam: I don't know if this is really something you can give Rhode Island credit for, but you know what? You take this. Be happy for your niece and give this weird little state the credit.

Frances: I think I know how to celebrate this engagement best: you all have to meet Mr. Snuggles!

What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return next week for the finale and read spinoff show Frances In the Kitchen on Monday at 8!

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