POTUS’d Episode 3: Screw The Party


HOWARD is sitting with BOBBY in BOBBY’s home office. There are papers scattered throughout the room.

HOWARD
Nice place you have here.

BOBBY
You’ve seen it before.

HOWARD
Doesn’t make it any less nice.

BOBBY
We have to talk about something.

HOWARD
What is it? And where’s your wife and kids?

BOBBY
What wife and kids? I live alone.

HOWARD
Oh. I must be mistaken.

BOBBY
Yeah, so what I need you to do is find a Vice President.

HOWARD
Aren’t...I the Vice President?

BOBBY
Technically, for now. But we need to prepare you for the Presidency. You need a Vice President.

HOWARD
I don’t know, if I start interviewing people now, then that would just lead to more people knowing the secret. And the more people who know the secret, the easier it is for it to spread.

BOBBY
Crap, I didn’t think of that. Tell you what, let’s forget about the interview part. The two of us will work something out right now. So let me start by telling you about some of my picks and then you can say yours, okay?

HOWARD
I’ve done no research about this. You just called me over and said nothing of this.

BOBBY
So we’re on the same page.

HOWARD
Who is even in consideration?

BOBBY
Not past Presidents. I looked it up.

HOWARD
Alright, let’s hear your picks.

BOBBY
My first pick is this guy named Lukas.

HOWARD
And to be clear, is her someone you want or someone the party wants you to pick?

BOBBY
Everyone’s someone the party wants me to pick.

HOWARD
No! You can’t think that way! Let’s hear about people you want. You’re the one who was elected to be President, after all.

BOBBY
Okay then...there’s this guy named Lucas.

HOWARD
Bobby, you already said that.

BOBBY
This is a different guy. This Lucas spells it with a c and not a k.

HOWARD
I’ve never heard of anyone in government with that name, are you sure you’re thinking of Vice President of the United States?

BOBBY
I still have a brain! He doesn’t work in government, but he pretty much shares your policy positions.

HOWARD
Great! Like what?

BOBBY
Uh...

HOWARD
You don’t know my policy positions, do you?

BOBBY
I know they’re opposite mine.

HOWARD
How about I pick someone like you?

BOBBY
No, you should go with someone not terminally ill.

HOWARD
I don’t mean that! And very sorry again, by the way. I mean someone with your policy positions.

BOBBY
The party would hate that.

HOWARD
Screw the party, let’s fix the country instead.

BOBBY
So you finally admit it! You do think my policy positions would fix the country!

HOWARD
No, I don’t. Which is why we’re talking about making them Vice President.

BOBBY
Oh. Right.

HOWARD
But I do think having someone like you in my administration would be good for the country.

BOBBY
So who do you have in mind?

HOWARD
Come to think of it, I don’t really know all that much about too many people. I’m a newcomer, after all.

BOBBY
How about we just go with Lucas?

HOWARD
With a c or a k?

BOBBY
C.

HOWARD
Which one was that again?

BOBBY
The one I disagree with.

HOWARD
We’re just going in circles here. I want someone who has your policy positions.

BOBBY
Ohhh...yeah, there’s this guy named Taylor. He could be good.

HOWARD
And you know that because...

BOBBY
He’s who I wanted to pick for Vice President.

HOWARD
I think everyone wins in that situation. Think he’ll want to do it?

BOBBY
You kidding? His life long dream is to be Vice President! Maybe. But there is someone who loses.

HOWARD
Who?

BOBBY
The party.

HOWARD
Once again, screw the party. This is about the country.

BOBBY
You know what? I agree. It’s actually exactly what I told the party chair.

HOWARD
You told the party chair to screw the party?! When was this?!

BOBBY
I emailed them earlier today. Haven’t responded yet though.

HOWARD
Are you kidding me? They’re going to be very mad!

BOBBY
Not my problem.

HOWARD
Bobby, you need to get yourself together. We have enough problems as it is, don’t burn all my bridges before I even take office. You confuse me sometimes.

BOBBY
Understood. Now if you don’t mind, I’m a little tired.

HOWARD
Alright. Good meeting.

HOWARD leaves, while BOBBY goes to bed.

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